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Heirloom Jokes

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A family heirloom

I walked into an antiques shop and said "I've got a vintage wooden dildo for sale if you're interested"

The assistant looked curious so I took it out of my bag and showed it to him.

"Jesus, it smells a bit funny!" he said.

"I know" I replied. "It's been in my family for years"

What do you call an heirloom vape pen?

A family Juul

TIL I learned that Bono from U2 holds the record for most private investigators hired to recover a lost heirloom.

To this day he still hasn't found what he's looking for.

A frog goes into a bank (long)

A frog walks into a bank and walks up to the teller. He says, “my name is Kermit Jagger and I’d like to take out a loan.” The teller says, “nice to meet you, I’m Patti, but I have to tell you, we don’t loan money to frogs.” Kermit says, “no it’s ok. I have collateral. Here is this priceless heirloom...

Sugar tongs

A mother from Brooklyn decides to pop in on her son Michael to see his new Manhattan apartment. When she gets there she's shocked to learn that her son has a female roommate.

Her son assures her that there is nothing going on between him and his roommate, that they have separate bedrooms, tha...

Ricardo was a young Italian man.

He lived in Milan. On his 16th birthday his father Antonio, in a rite of passage, gave him a hunting rifle that was a family heirloom. The rifle had been handmade by Antonio’s father who founded the Rolle Carabiner Company after World War II.

Ricardo cherished the rifle and he practiced with...

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Memories of my grandma

I grew up with 2 brothers and a sister. Our parents tried their best - but it was difficult for them to make time for each of us as individuals. That's why each of the kids alternated spending a weekend at grandma's every month.

I always looked forward to that Saturday morning breakfast. G...

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The Hypnotist at the senior's center

One day the local senior's center brought in a hypnotist to entertain the elderly. He pulled out an old family heirloom pocket watch and waved it back and forth, slowly, repeating 'watch the watch' in a calm, soothing voice.
Back and forth it went, 'watch the watch, watch the watch' until the wh...

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Why Would She Destroy 100 years of Memories?

This morning my wife was destroying her inherited, four-generations old, heirloom dining collection. When asked why, she replied, "Fuck China!"

Did you hear about the Smiths' tradition of carving the names of the people next in line to the family fortune into their old weaving machine?

It's a family heirloom.

I found some dusty old boxes in my closet and in them were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw...

There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.

Then, I got to the one that sparked the most memories: My grandfather's most prized collection!!

Every day since January 1st, 1949, he co...

A young man and a young woman met at a party, fell in love and moved in together.

Soon, some say too soon after that, they got married. As the newlyweds didn’t have a car, the mother of the bride decided to gift them the family heirloom, a 1965 Mustang GT350 that the brides grandfather had been racing back in the day.

For a while all was well and the bride and the groom sp...

I inherited my great grandad’s underwear...

They were fruit of the heirloom

A man was walking down a bright road when he came across an elderly women

He noticed she was searching for something, and that she appeared very distressed. He asked her, "Excuse me 'mam, do you need some help?" She replied " Oh yes please! I lost my necklace! It's a family heirloom and it's priceless!" He asked, "Okay well let's think back, where do you think you lost it...

My grandmother died and left me a tomato.

I shouldn't have asked for any heirlooms.

A group of canned vegetables were sitting on a shelf

and one of them was twisting around and checking himself out.
"Hey!" He cried proudly. "I'm one hundred percent corn, nothing else!"
Some fancy new can of Brussels sprouts swiveled to look at him. "But who cares? You're just corn." He said witheringly.
"Well I'm not corn. I'm heirloom...

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A Frog Walks into A Bank

Patricia (Patty) Mac worked as a loan officer for a bank. One day a frog walks into her office.

“How may I help you” Patricia asked.

The frog replied, “I would like to take out a $20,000 loan”.

“You, a frog, wants a loan”?

“Yes, please”.

Patty runs his credit ...

A Lumberjack is out cutting wood with his son

A Lumberjack is out working and has brought his son along to show him what he does, as he hopes the son will inherit the business one day. The following conversation occurs.

Son: Why do you do what you do, Dad?

Lumberjack: Well son, this is our family business! I inherited it from your...

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A famous hypnotist is performing at a retirement home

A famous hypnotist is performing at a retirement home. He decides to try mass hypnosis.

He starts by telling everyone that it is a speacial day as he will be using a family heirloom, a pocket watch that is more than 200 years old. He asks the audience to focus on the watch as he swings it fro...

Quasimodo needs to retire...

Quasimoto had been working for many years ringing the bells at Notre Dame and had decided it was time to retire. He placed a want ad to hire a replacement but as neither the pay nor the working conditions were very good, some time passed without any response.

One evening he heard a knock at...

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My first OC joke. (Long)

A man walks into an antique shop. He approaches the female cashier and
asks, “Is this your store?”

She nods her head, “My parents owned it for a few decades, I had since inherited it.”

The man then asks her, “Would you like to see a magic trick?”

The woman, barley amused, dec...

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Voodoo Dick

This businessman is going away on a trip for 2 weeks, and he doesn't want his wife to get lonely and mess around while he's gone, so he stops by the adult outlet in town. He looks around and sees lots of dildos, sex dolls, vibrators and etc, but nothing that would keep his wife occupied for 3 weeks....

There is a line at the pearly gates and St. Peter says,

"Ladies and Gentlemen, heaven has reached its capacity. We can only take in ten more souls, so we have decided to take the ten that have the most interesting story of their death."

Many souls tell their tales and St. Peter grants nine souls their entry. The very next soul that comes up has on...

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There was a rich man ready to go on a long business trip

He knew his wife was the flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't like the idea of her screwing someone else.

So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex...

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