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Hedges Jokes

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Daughters.

A mother had three virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl se...

Many people think hedges are annoying.

But why beat around the bush?

What do you call a bleak future society in which people are forced by the state to trim hedges into decorative shapes?

A dystopiary!

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[LONG]ish A man's trimming his hedges as the postman walks by...

He gives a friendly hello and then realises this is the perfect moment to ask a question that's been bugging him for some time.

"Is it true what they say, that you lot sleep with the housewives whilst the husbands are at work?"

"Ha! It is indeed. I've had every woman on this street, e...

I hired a private investigator but he spent two days staring at my hedges

Turned out he was a privet investigator.

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A Russian tourist in NYC doesn't know where to put his trash, finally settling on a side street.

But just as he's about to dump his trash, a police officer pulls up. The tourist tells him that he can't find a place to dump his trash. In return the police officer led the tourist to a beautiful garden with manicured hedges, blooming flowers, and neatly cut grass.

Officer: Here. Dump your t...

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My Wife Offers a Deal

In an attempt to use sex to encourage me to do some jobs in and around the house, my wife walked up to me and said,”I’ll make you a deal… you go outside and cut the hedges, and I’ll shave my pussy.”

I replied, “Don’t be stupid. We can’t both use the hedge trimmer at once.”

I hired a dog landscaper the other day.

I guess you can say he was "Ruff around the hedges".

A tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.

He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint British pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a few pints of stout.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants,...

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How much do you get paid?

The homeowner got into his grubbiest clothes one Saturday morning and set about all the chores he’d been putting off for weeks. He’d cleaned out the garage, pruned the hedges, and was halfway through mowing the lawn when a woman pulls up and yells out her window, “Say, what do you get for yard work?...

An American tourist in Moscow

Found himself needing to take a
leak something terrible. After a long search he just couldn't
find anyplace to relieve himself, so he just went down one of
the side streets to take care of business. Before he could even
get unzipped a Moscow police office asked, "Hey you -- what are ...

A man like me is hard to find.

I trim maze hedges.

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Hannibal Lecter escapes his prison, and begins a cannibalistic killing spree.

Bodies turn up all over the city, mutilated and butchered like livestock. The livers are missing from the bodies, as is muscle from the shoulders, legs and back, the tongues, a variety of human flesh all carved out and eaten by Lecter after killing his victims.

Not only that, but he escapes t...

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Three mean have all died and arrive at the Pearly Gates all together.

They are greeted by a small ball of light that introduces itself as an angel, and lets them know that due to budget cuts, only one of them may be admitted. When amazingly, nobody questioned the idea of heavenly budget cuts, the angel continued. In order to decide who would ultimately get the spot, h...

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