UPJOKE
chryslermoveschemeevademinivanskirtduckfiatsidestepeludefudgehedgeparrystratagemchassis

Did you know 95% of Dodges are still on the road?

The other 5% somehow made it home.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Take most Ford and most Dodge models...now put the word Anal in front of the model name

Anal charger, Anal challenger, Anal expedition, Anal Fiesta...

Dodged the bullet

A girl asked me today if she is wearing too much make-up. I told her my reply depends on whether or not she intends to kill Batman.

A tough looking cowboy dressed all in black rides into town..

He ties his horse’s reins to a post outside a saloon and walks in. He pauses just inside the swinging doors and surveys the raucous room.

All heads turn as silence descends. The cowboy confidently approaches the bar and orders one shot of ‘Red eye’.

All eyes are still on the cowboy a...

I chose not to put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay...

... because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and started chatting regularly. Every day, sometimes throughout the day. Slowly we learned more about...

Two Hunters and a Goat

Two hunters are walking along in the deep of autumn, stalking a buck, when they come across a clean-cut, 10-ft diameter hole, that goes too deep to see the bottom.

“A sinkhole?” one hunter asks, “How deep does this go?” The other shrugs.

The first hunter looks around and finds a stick,...

I wish the auto manufacturers would make up their minds.

I was behind a van that said Dodge on the back of it then a truck that was marked Ram. What do they want us to do? Avoid them or hit them?

A British Airways plane...

Makes a crash landing in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean

Somehow everyone survives, and the pilot comes over the speaker system... Ladies and Gentlemen, please listen to my instructions very carefully, those who can swim I want you out on the left wing, those who cant swim, I want you out on...

What brand of RAM do you buy if you want your computer to go faster?

Dodge.

dodges a mine there

I wasn't close to my father when he died. Which is lucky because he stepped on a landmine..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Beth had her Dodge truck stolen

Beth had her dodge truck stolen. She called the police and they told her they'd send their best detective out in search of her Dodge. The woman called her son John and told him all about what had happened. When John told his girlfriend about it, she was wrought with distress. John said to her, "don'...

If Dodge made an electric car...

Would it be called a Dodge Chargeable

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office...

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office, where he is read the riot act. The captain says, "You're a good cop, but these reports just aren't going to cut it anymore, Joe! They're practically illegible! The next report, if there's even one word misspelled on it, you are going on sus...

What drugs do boxers take to dodge better?

Antifistamines

What do you call a Dodge made out of silicon?

A Hemi-conductor!

Playing dodge ball with kids is so much harder than it looks

You have to use both your hands to throw them

Chrysler is introducing a new car to its line-up to honour Donald Trump

The Dodge Drafter will go into production in Canada this year.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes back in time to kill hitler

He arrives in the year 1919 and approaches a young Hitler, he runs up to him with a knife but Hitler sees him coming and trips him up and dodges out of the way.

"Who are you!?" Says Hitler, the man says "I'm a time traveler from the future that's come back to kill you!" Hitler replies "Fucki...

I dont wanna do what I did in Texas.....

Man rides up to a saloon on a beautifullly patterned Palomino stallion, ties the horse to the rail, walks inside, orders lunch and a beer. After his meal is done he gets up, pays the waitress and walks out the doors...to find his horse missing.

He sighs mournfully, removes the safety loops on...

A new bartender is working the saloon in Dodge City

When a cowboy burst through the doors from the street shouting, "Look out everybody, Big Bill Johnson is coming to town!"

The saloon burst into a panicked commotion as everyone scrambled for the door. In the rush, the bartender is knocked down and passes out.

When he came to, he heard...

What did the three legged cowboy's dog say when he walked into Dodge city?

I'm looking for the man who shot my paw!

What do you call it when you have to dodge pottery?

Evasive maneuvers

Found a man with a red dodge with a custom licence plate that read Klifford

Klifford the big red dodge.

(Based on a real event)

If you could have a Dodge Viper or the girl of your dreams, what colour would it be?

Black and blue of course.
...
The girl, not the car.

(Courtesy of my son, the sicko).

Why didn't Isaac Newton dodge the apple?

He didn't understand the gravity of the situation.

Old lady gets into a Merzedes-Benz taxi cab

As she hops in, the driver asks her where she's going. She gives him an adress, as she's just arrived to town to visit family.

They keep going for a bit, when the old lady notices the very characteristic Mercedes-Benz ornament emblem mounted on the hood.

"So what is that thing for?" s...

Someone threw a beer at President Trump during last nights National Championship Game.

It was a draft, so he easily dodged it.

Two best friends went to heaven.

At the pearly gates a saint stopped them and asked, 'Were you faithful husbands on Earth?'

The first replied, 'Yes, I've never betrayed my wife, I barely even looked at other women.'

The saint replied, 'Very good, very good. You can drive this brand new sports car! Here, take the keys!...

Homemade and 100% organic

Since it's my cake day, I'll give y'all a joke that I created by myself. One that tickles me.

Two car salesman were talking to each other about their sales. They were really impressed with the commissions they were making with electric cars. Then, one of them asked, "Why doesn't Dodge sel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young boy applied for a job at a store...

The store manager said: “We are looking for somebody with sales experience but we’re having a holiday sale tomorrow and you can give it a try.”

At the end of the day the manager checked the day sales and was shocked, the boy had sold $79,083.25 worth of merchandise.

He asked the boy ho...

Ok this is a groaner, so I expect down votes...

One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink, when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder.
‘Thump...

Two hunters are tracking a deer when they stumble upon a deep hole...

They can’t see the bottom of this hole and were wanting to see how deep it went. One of the hunters found an anvil next to the hole and threw it down. They were waiting to hear the thud of the anvil hitting the ground but they didn’t hear anything. Suddenly, the hunters heard a charging sound. The h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man is in need of a job,

And he looks through the classifieds to see what's available. He finds an ad from a farmer in need of some extra hands, so the man calls up the farmer and agrees to meet the next day to see what work he'd be doing.

The farmer greets him at the gate and begins to show the young man around. Fir...

At a recent rally, somebody threw a beer at Trump's head...

He's fine. It was a draft, so he dodged it.

Dog limps into Dodge City with a bloody leg, Marshall Dillon says "what brings you to town dog"? ... dog says

Im lookin for the man that shot my paw!

My son came up to me crying.

"Dad, I left my girlfriend because she was popping holes in my condom."

I frowned. "Sounds like you dodged a bullet there."

"Yeah, sort of," he replied.

"So, why the tears?"

He said, "I was wearing it at the time."

Did you hear that Ted Nugent had a beer thrown at him at one of his shows?

He was okay. It was a draft so he dodged it easily

This 4th of July, the British should celebrate Independence Day too.

Now they feel like they dodged a bullet.

A middle aged bachelor has an obsession with tractors.

His entire house is decorated with them. He has tractor wallpaper, tractor memorabilia, many many model tractors, pictures of tractors, tractor bed sheets, even his car looks like a tractor (not a real tractor due to legal reasons).

As it is, his obsession with tractors had left him awkward, ...

Looking back, I'm glad I didn't get that YouTube internship

I really dodged a bullet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Bravest and Fiercest

The king was getting old and did not trust his sons to rule his kingdom after his passing. He decided that he must find a husband for his daughter. This man, who would one day take the throne, had to be the bravest and fiercest warrior in all the land.

The king devised a test. his engineers ...

Why does Trump dance to "YMCA" and "Macho Man" but not "In The Navy"?

Because he dodged the draft, so he can't relate to it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A school teacher, a police officer, and a hedge fund founder are trapped on a deserted island.

After scavenging for days with little success, they come across a magical lamp. The officer decides to give it a quick rub and out pops a genie.

"Hello, I am here to grant each of you an imperishable supply of food and water as you await your rescue. Be warned, it can only be consumed only ...

You’re out!

When you have a little toddler, it’s a fine line between teaching them to catch and winning at dodge ball.

Once upon a time, a King wanted to have some fun...

.... He went on a podium and said loudly: "I will give half of my fortune to anyone who manages to tell me a lie that I, myself, admit that it's a lie."

An old man walked to the King and said: "I can draw rainbows wherever I want."

The King replied: "That's true, I saw you making one y...

I was attacked by a man in the street, he started throwing words at me that began with 'TH'

I dodged this, there and then but i didn't see that coming...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A taxi driver picks up a woman from the airport who sits in the back as a passenger

The woman wanted to ask a question so she leans forward and taps the driver’s shoulder to get his attention.

The driver gets startled so bad that he loses control of the cab, nearly hits a bus, swerves to barely dodge a light pole and finally halts near a glass bus stand.

The woman an...

What’s the difference between the “China Virus” and the Vietnam War?

Trump dodged the Vietnam War.

Jerry Clower joke (Uncle Vercy`s Trial)

Since I couldn't find this joke in text form anywhere I took the time to type it out myself lol (No Spell Check)

Flew from Los Angeles California to Des Moines did a show there in the civic center. Then to Minneapolis Minnesota, Its 28 Degrees below 0 I slept between the mattresses. Then I l...

This is actually a true story, when I was 17 I had a choice to study in Canada or the USA. I chose Canada because it was less expensive

In retrospect I dodged a bullet, maybe multiple bullets

Tribe

There is a tribe that has a ceremony for a boy to be a man, by making the boy, wearing a gloves that is full with ants, not once, but 20 times. And be reminded it's not just any ants, it's bullet ants.

I guess you could say that the female that is born in this tribe........



...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

WWII as a bar fight...

I made a bar fight for WWI in honor of the 101 anniversary of its end, and someone requested one for the sequel. So here it is.

Germany went into a deep depression after his defeat in the last fight. His bar tab from his enemies' victory drink was crushing. He started hitting the gym, and wan...

What's the difference between Twitter and Vietnam?

Trump would never dodge a Twitter war.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob, an Olympic class wrestler - has a match with Bjorn, a Lapland wrestling grandmaster

Before the meet, Bob's coaches warned him that Bjorn has a deadly stranglehold move called "the pretzel". They warned him not to dip his right shoulder while standing face to face, or he will certainly lose.

Bob keeps this advice in mind as he wrestles Bjorn - but he loses concentration for ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Story from the Old West

Scene: The old west, in a Saloon, somewhere in Dodge City or Tombstone, AZ or the like....


A old man bursts through the doors and starts shouting "Everybody, y'all better clear out o' here.  Big John's a comin' to town!!!"


Everyone in the saloon jumps up knocking over table...

What’s the best kind of car to use in a demolition derby?

Dodge

My wife caught me performing an action scene from The Matrix, but luckily she thought I was doing yoga exercise..

I just ~~dodge~~ dodged a bullet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My driving examiner looks fucking astonished.

I can tell he's never seen someone dodge pedestrians this smoothly before.....

My girlfriend's sister invited me over to her house to watch The Matrix.

I think I dodged a bullet.

hellcat and the mx-5

A Dodge Challenger Hellcat is roaring through the mountains when little mx-5 catches up to it. The Hellcat pushes harder, hard on the gas on the straights, hard on the brakes before the turns. But no matter what the Hellcat does, the mx-5 is still right on the Hellcat.



Finally the Hel...

Our parents had to walk uphill both ways in 2 feet of snow to get to school...

But they didn't have to dodge bullets when they get there.

TIL that the majority of car companies make cell phones,

Except for Dodge, they just make Chargers.

Officer couldn't believe his eyes.

A man was driving along in his beat up old dodge, when suddenly it broke down. He was parked on the side of the road trying fix it, when a Jaguar pulled up in front of him and offered to help. After a few minutes the two men obviously weren't going to get the old car going again, so the Jaguar drive...

What’s the last thing my friend told me before I got hit by a car?

Dodge

"When I started my job, they handed me three envelopes."

"*These three envelopes were left to you by the previous employee who was recently let go. He said to open them in order if you ever got into a jam.*"

The job didn't seem so tough, and after all, why would I want to take advice from the guy who was just fired? I threw the envelopes into a dra...

A Roman Catholic priest, a Southern Baptist minister, and a Rabbi were all at a bar...

They were all arguing over who could convert the most followers to his respective religion.

A rather drunk man at the bar yells, "Anyone can convert a person! It takes real skill to convert a bear!"

The three religious mean agree, and set out to prove who could most effectively convert...

After completing filming of License to Kill, Timothy Dalton was dismayed when producers told him they wanted him to retire from the James Bond franchise.

He pleaded with producers to give him just one more film but they already had his replacement lined up, a younger actor they felt was more suitable for the leading role in an action movie. But Dalton wouldn't quit that easily. He convinced the producers that if he could best his would-be replacement...

Tony Stark gives TED talks for a post-Iron Man living

He has done it many times before, and his 'If you're nothing without it then you shouldn't have it' motto is widely followed by the entire world.

"But I'm nothing without GTA V!" "If you're nothing without GTA V then you shouldn't have it." for example.

One day, the entire world is in ...

Rich man shenanigans

There was once an extremely wealthy man who was known for his eccentric habits. One fine evening, he sent out an invite to all the young, able-bodied men of his city for a very "special" dinner, promising a grand prize for one lucky soul.

Knowing the rich man's generous nature, a hundred you...

Two men are walking the woods.

They come across a large hole the ground, several meters across and apparently bottomless.

After examining the hole for a moment, they decide to throw something into the hole to see how long it takes for it to hit the bottom. The first man throws in a pebble, and after a long pause hears noth...

To all the ladies that turned me down

Man you dodged a bullet

Where does steel wool come from?

Dodge Rams.

Three men arrive at a checkpoint near the gates of heaven

The first man walks up to god, who is reading the summary of his deeds before deciding which vehicle he is to use to drive to heavens gates with.

"I see you were quite unfaithful with your wife, cheating on her a total of three times." The man looks down in shame. "You are to drive up to heav...

Donald Trump is set to star in a sequel to the movie Dodgeball

Because if you can dodge a draft you can dodge a ball.

A guy is speeding on the highway..

A police officer notices him and starts following him, trying to pull him over. Instead, the guy just speeds up more and more, trying to dodge the officer. The officer is having none of it, and after a a wild chase and a couple more police cars involved the guy is finally stopped.

The office...

I've been having trouble meeting girls, so I asked my dad for some advice. He said that if I wanted to break the ice, the next time I go out, I should use this pickup line...

"Ford F-150, Chevy Silverado, Dodge Ram, Toyota Tundra, Nissan Titan, GMC Sierra, Honda Ridgeline..."

Running late to work

So I’m on my way to work. This Dodge Durango is in front of me is going slow. Then I noticed it was for sale. the number was on the back window. So I decided to call it.

ME “ i’m calling about the blue Durango”

THEM “ok, yes it’s for sale”

ME “Does it run”

THEM “yes it d...

So I saw a guy get hit by a car today and I couldn’t help but laugh

It was ironically a Dodge

Dave is a talented mime who works at the local zoo.

He is very good at his job and is well liked by the guests of the zoo. One day, the zoo's famous orangutan dies suddenly. Not wanting to close the exhibit, the zoo approaches Dave with a proposition. Dave is to dress up in a realistic orangutan suit and pretend to be the orangutan, until the zoo can...

I got a new tag on my car

On the front of my car, there's a license plate that says "Dodge."

That's not the manufacturer, it's a suggestion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Damnit Oscar!

So a man is going to meet his girlfriends parents for the first time and is incredibly nervous. He arrives just before dinner and is sitting in the living room with the father and their dog Oscar while the girlfriend and mother are preparing the meal.

Being nervous, the mans stomach is turnin...

President Obama is doing his morning exercises...

...and jogging around the White House grounds when one of the Secret Service agents suggests he should see how fast he can circle the White House ten times. After all, it is a presidential tradition to try it at least once, and being moderately athletic, he figured he'd make pretty good time. So he ...

What's the difference between officer Darren Wilson and Michael Brown?

Officer Wilson can dodge a bullet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An owl flew into a Kebab place and started dancing.

The customers were amazed and started taking videos.

Every day, it returned, and soon the owl became a tourist attraction.

Visitors from different continents came to see the owl, while the Kebab place prospered.

One day, the owner, a man named John Spon, decided to lock up the o...

What Car Manufacturer does Gohan Hate the Most?

Dodge

A man is standing at the office water cooler...

...Talking animatedly telling his coworker he found that his girlfriend was poking holes in his condoms. He elbows the other guy and says "luckily I found out years ago I'm sterile, really dodged a bullet there."

The other guy scoffs "is it really dodging bullets if you're shooting blanks?"

I was playing a quiet game of Scrabble with a friend

and he's a very sore loser. He was losing so badly, that he got extremely angry, picked up the bag and started throwing words beginning with 'th' at me.

I managed to dodge this, there and then. But I did not see that coming.

i went to a redneck barbers to day,

sat down in the chair then quickly changed my mind got up and walked away.

Think i may have dodged the mullet on this one.

What does a car do when a ram is running towards it?

Dodge.

What is the best paradox?

A Stormtrooper shooting at a red shirt. One can't hit anything, and the other won't dodge.

What car brands mean

Ford-Flipped Over Rebuilt Dodge

Pontiac-Plan On Numerous Trips In Another Car

Fiat- Fix It Again Tony

Chevrolet-Cracked Heads, Every Valve Rattles, Oil Leaks Every Time

Nissan-Needless Innovations, Silly, Stupid, Automotive Nonsense

GM-Gluteus Maximus

GMC-Go...

Topical Jokes (5/25-5/26)

Hey, sorry for the tardiness! Been on the road lately. Here's some jokes to cap up the last couple days.

Governor Christie met with Snooki over the weekend, but things got a tad awkward when Christie licked his lips and asked, "But seriously, are you actually a meatball?"

Big Catholic ...

A man goes to a local newspaper office to place an ad for his wife who just passed away

He looks devastated, can barely talk. A clerk welcomes him, offers him a chair, and asks him what does he want to say in the ad:

- "Goodbye, Mary."

The clerk doubts, but then asks:

- "You're not going to put an address for the funeral service?"
- "Just goodbye Mary", repli...

I once saw a dart hit a man and instantly paralyze him.

Those little Dodge's sure can pack a punch.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A plane crashes in a jungle

and three guys are the only survivors. They have to walk out of the jungle to civilization. While they are walking they hear "Foo Foo" and a big blob of shit lands on one guy's head. He is disgusted and brushes it off. He immediately falls over dead. The other two guys are freaked out, but they hav...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.