What do you get when you cook a special type of meat south of the border, but then put off eating it until the next day?

Fillet mañana

Never put off till tomorrow,

what you can do the day after tomorrow.

In order to put off nutting for an entire month, in November one must

Masterwait

A man calls law firm

"Smith, Smith, Smith & Smith" person of the other side answers. "Can I speak with Mr. Smith?" he asks "Terribly sorry sir, but he's at the court this morning." "Oh, I see. How about Mr. Smith then?" "He retired last year." "Oh" the guy is getting a bit put off. "Mr. Smith then?" "No, sorry, he's...

In honor of Sir Sean Connery (2 of 2)

James Bond is sitting at the bar doing a vodka martini, shaken not schtirred, when he notices a beautiful woman at the other end of the bar.

He glances at his watch, looks up and gives her a knowing wink.

Intrigued, she walks over, smiles and says, "What was that all about? Why did y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon....

An out of work pianist with Tourette's Syndrome was strolling around the streets and bars of Soho one sunny afternoon.

Walking down Dean Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window: 'Pianist wanted for evening performances'.

"Fucking get in there you cunt!" he says to himself...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens in Vegas

A guy is walking along the strip in Las Vegas and a knockout looking hooker catches his eye. He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker, 'How much do you charge?' Hooker replies, 'It starts at $500 for a hand-job.'

Guy says, '$500 dollars?! For a hand-job? No hand-job is wort...

What's the one good thing about being a depressed procrastinator?

You'll always put off killing yourself.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A jewish man goes into a public restroom

He goes to the urinal as another man enters and starts using the urinal next to him. The other man looks over at him and asks, "Are you a Jew?"

"Why yes, I am," he replied.

"Are you circumcised?" The second man asked. A bit put off, the first man answered warily.

"A strange ques...

A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway...

A homeless man was one day walking down an alleyway from which you could see the back gardens of these mansion like houses on the street. He looks into a garden and sees a man in a suit crying and looking at the pool.

The man in suit fills his pockets with rocks and suddenly jumps into the po...

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