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Maul Jokes

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Bob was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting.

He traveled
up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on
his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.


The black bear said, “That was a very bad mistake. That bear is my cousin, I’m going to give you two choices. Either I mau...

You know Darth Maul from Star Wars?

He's only half the man he used to be.

A man sees a dog mauling a small girl...

...and runs over to help. After the girl gets away, a nearby journalist comes to the man and says "That was incredible! Tomorrow, the headlines will read 'Brave New Yorker Saves Girl'", to which the man replies "But I am not a New Yorker." The journalist then says "Then they will read 'Brave America...

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A bear goes into a bar

he sits down and immediately mauls to death and devours the woman on the stool next to him.
he then calmly orders a beer

bartender: "sorry, we don't serve drug users in here"
bear: "but I don't do drugs"
bartender: "what about that barbitchyouate"

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Why is P0rnhubs number 1 user Darth Maul?

(I’m gonna get banned for this) Because he’s really horny

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Why did Darth Maul jack off into a piece of fruit?

Because the sith always comes in pears

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3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.

They attach a feeding muzzle onto the horse and funnel in smoke fro...

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A couple are about to have sex, when the man reaches for some lube...

Opening a new bottle, he notices the protective tape on the cap has already been torn off, suggesting the bottle may have tampered with.

That's weird, he thinks to himself.

"Do not use if seal is missing" it reads on the bottle.

The man thinks for a second, but not wanting to ru...

Official Darth Maul action figure on sale now!

50% off

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A rabbit is hopping through the woods. Hop! Hop! Hop! When he comes upon a giraffe. Now, this giraffe is about to smoke some weed. The rabbit looks up at the giraffe and say, "Giraffe, don't smoke weed! Weed is a drug and drugs are bad, come running with me through the forest!"

The giraffe looks at the weed, then looks at the rabbit, then back at the weed.

The giraffe tossed his blunt aside and they go running through the forest together. Run! Run! Run! Hop! Hop! Hopping along.

Soon they come to a clearing with a sheep.

This sheep is about to shoot up ...

Frank goes hunting in the woods by himself.

He comes across a small black bear drinking from a stream so he shoots and kills it. He then feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and sees a large black bear.

"Hey", says the bear. "You just killed my cousin. What's your name?"

"Um....Frank", the hunter says nervously.

...

What’s Darth Maul’s favourite alcoholic beverage?

*Qui-Gon* Gin

There's a sale at the Maul

Everything's half off

My friend got mauled by a bear....

but i'm not gonna discuss the Grizzly details......

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A hunter gets a new gun...

So a hunter gets a new gun one day and decides to go hunting with it. He goes out into the woods and stumbles upon a nice-sized black bear, so he takes his gun and shoots the bear dead. Then he feels a tap on his shoulder...

The man turns around and sees this huge brown bear and the bear says...

A man was mauled by a bear, but lived.

He said the pain was unBEARable...

I had a dream last night that I was mauled by a bear.

It was pretty grizzly.

Did you hear about Darth Maul's girlfriend?

She caught sithilis.

What do you call a Frenchman being mauled by a lion?

Claude.

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You go hiking with your best friend Terry. Both of you get lost, and Terry is mauled to death by a bear.

You bury Terry in a shallow grave and try to find your way back to civilization. However you end up walking in circles and days later, you find yourself at the exact same spot.

By this time, you've exhausted your supply of water and are severely dehydrated. Then you realize that Terry was ...

A grizzly mauled a guy in an elevator...

but I couldn't bear to see it go down.

My friend, who's star sign was cancer, died very ironically.

He was mauled by a giant crab.

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A man is at the zoo...

... and comes to a silver back gorilla exhibit and he notices a sign. The sign states " Please do not tap the gorilla". He looks around and says fuck it and taps the gorilla.

The gorilla breaks out the cage violently and starts chasing the man. He realizes the bad choice that he made. He star...

Did you hear about the man who got his entire left side of his body mauled off by a bear?

He's all right now.

Did you hear about the sith lord who went shopping?

He went to the Maul. Everything was half off.

Two friends go hunting....

While hunting, a bear attacks, mauling one of the hunters before being chased off.

The Survivor calls 911.

Survivor: “My friend's been attacked by a bear and I think they're dead!”

911: “Ok, calm down. Can you make sure they're dead?”

***BANG***

Survivor: “Okay, no...

A goat farmer and his wife one day went to feed the goats.

Unfortunately for her the male goat was particularly aggressive that day and mauled her to death. During her funeral the farmers brother came from another town. His brother was amazed how many people showed up to the funeral and said "Look how many people came to pay their respects to your wife" In ...

Why did a cheetah's company go bankrupt?

Because it can't read, doesn't know what is money or a business, and mauled the HR manager at the first meeting in the first day of work? Seriously, who thought this is a good idea?

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A woman sees a funeral procession

The hearse is driving slowly, followed by a dog, and then behind the dog is a woman dressed in black, and then line of several dozen women.

The woman watches silently as the procession goes on and on. Finally she asks the last woman in line, "Who is it that passed?"

"Well," the woman ...

Once you’ve seen a lion eat a camper

you’ve seen ‘em maul.

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A family are sitting at the dinner table when their meal is interrupted when the family dog walks into the room with a dead rabbit in its mouth...

The family all panic as they identify the rabbit belongs as their next door neighbours'. In a desperate attempt to avoid being blamed for the rabbits death, they try to cover it up. Shampoo'ing the rabbits fur to make it look less obvious it has been mauled etc. Once the rabbit looks slightly more p...

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So there is this bear hunter

So this chap is out bear hunting. He sees a large bear, sneaks up on it, takes his shot and misses!

The bear spots him and charges. The hunter runs but trips and the bear is on him. To his surprise the bear doesn't maul him to death but says:

"Look, I've eaten today but I am a bit ho...

Two men are hunting in the woods...

One of them tries to shoot a bear, but misses and ends up being mauled by the bear. After the incident, as he is "bear"ly holding on to life the othe runs over and calls 911. "Help my friend and i were hunting and he got mauled by a bear, I think he's dead! " The woman on the phone responds "well we...

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A Bear Walks Into A Bar

A bear walks into a bar and asks for a drink.

“We don’t serve beers to bears in this bar,” the bartender responds.

The bear points his muzzle at an old guy next to him, and tells the drink slinger, “If you don’t give me a beer, I’m going to maul that guy.”

The bartender shrugs, ...

My wife's star-sign was Cancer, so I guess you could say it was ironic how she died.

Mauled to death by a giant crab.

What’s the best place to purchase lightsabres

The darth maul

If Sheev Palpatine goes shopping...

...does he go to the local market or to the Maul?

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One day a small rabbit was taking a run through the forest.

As he was running he came upon a giraffe. This giraffe was about to shoot up some heroin. The rabbit looked at he giraffe for a moment and then said, "Giraffe, don't do heroin. Heroin is a drug, and drugs are bad for you. Come running with me through the forest."
The giraffe looked at the rabbit,...

What is a grizzly bear's favorite venue?

The maul.

A group of friends are hiking in the mountains, when they spot a bear running towards them...

They frantically drop everything then start running from the bear. But the bear soon catches up to the slowest friend and mauls him.

The horrified friends watch in horror as the bear feasts on their deceased mate.

Then one of them breaks into tears sobbing:


"I feel so guilty...

What's the difference between a woman and a tiger entering a commercial center?

The woman is shopping in the mall and the tiger is mauling in the shops.

What do you call a Sith Missionary? [OC by my 7yr old son]

The Apostle Maul.

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“Grizzly found causing mayhem at a BBQ”

First, he mauled dad in the back garden. Then he cooked up some burgers, urinated in the punch and downed the lot of it.


The newspaper headline read: “Bear grills, drinks his own piss”

What was Obi-Wan Kenobi's favorite place to hang out?

The Maul.

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Two men are sitting having coffee in a diner. One of them goes to buy lottery tickets...

Two men are sitting in the diner, having their usual morning coffee.

“Well, I’m off to buy some lottery tickets” says the first guy.

“No.” Says the second man. “You shouldn’t buy lottery tickets!”

“And why not?” asks the first guy.

“Well let me put it this way” the second...

Obi-Wan cuts off so many limbs

he cuts off Darth Maul's legs

he cuts off Savage Opress' arm

he cuts off Grivous' hands

he cuts off many of Anakin's limbs

and so many random people in bars have lost their limbs to Obi-Wan Kenobi

Obi-Wan is a menace.

Considering that he is now dead and exis...

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A fresh batch of military recruits come in and meets the drill sergeant

The sergeant looks at the men and says "I'll your all a bunch of yellow bellied pansies! Are ya!"

They all respond "Sir, no sir!"

"Really?" He responds and points to the end of the table they're standing next to.

At the end of the table, a giant alligator sits in a cage hissing ...

Alaskan Bear Hunting Trip

A man saves up his money all Summer to go on an Alaskan bear hunting trip. He gets out into the wilderness and tracks through the underbrush for hours when he finally spots a little black bear. He gets that bear in his sights and BANG shoots him dead!

At just that moment he feels a tap on his...

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A rabbit is joyfully running through the forest...

...when he stumbles upon a skunk rolling a joint.

The rabbit looks at the skunk and says, "Skunk my friend, why do you do this? Come and run with me through the forest! You'll feel so much better!"

The skunk looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rab...

Two friends are out hunting together...

While they're out, one of them gets attacked by a bear. The other one shoots the bear and it runs away. The one who shot the bear sees his friend on the ground covered in wounds from the bear and calls 911.

"911, what is your emergency?"

"I think my friend is dead, he was just mauled b...

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A Brit, an Irishman, and an American are walking in the woods together and get lost.

They stumble upon a bridge over a deep ravine guarded by a menacing ogre.

"Halt! Stand where you are!" yells the ogre. "Only those who can answer my riddle can pass this bridge! If you get the answer wrong, you die!"

The three men are short on supplies and don't have a lot of options, ...

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The Hunters

Bill and his three hunting buddies head out into the mountains to hunt some deer at a cabin they rented. They bring classic rifles not very strong but good enough to bring down a deer. One of Bill's buddies notices a bear and takes a shot at him. The bullet hits the bear but it does nothing but piss...

A bear walked into a bar...

Looked about the crowded bar and didn't see anywhere to sit. A young woman caught his eye, they exchanged smiles and he walked over to her. Just as she opened her mouth to say hi he mauled and ate her.

He looked up to the bartender and said "Barkeep, I'd like a large Guinness."

The bar...

Dog fight

A guy walks into a bar with his dog on a leash the barman says, "Geez that's a weird dog; he's stumpy-legged, pink, and doesn't have a tail, but I bet my rottweiler would beat the heck out of it."
50 bucks is laid down. Out in the yard the rottweiler gets mauled to pieces.

Another dri...

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi hear about a bear causing trouble in the woods nearby.

The three men, friendly rivals, decide among themselves that what this bear needs to be soothed is some religion, so they declare it a contest to see who can convert it. They draw straws, and the Catholic priest is the first to try.

He heads into the woods, and comes back three hours later wi...

One morning, three hunters, a Frenchman, an Irishman, and a Czechoslovakian, entered the forest to hunt bears...

One morning, three hunters, a Frenchman, an Irishman, and a Czechoslovakian, entered the forest to hunt bears. Being somewhat exhausted, the Czech said, "*I'm tired. Why don't you two go hunting? I'll stay here and make up camp for the night.*"

The Frenchman and the Irishman continue hunting ...

Bad Dog

One winter day, a guy was walking down the street when he saw a mangy old dog lying in the middle of the sidewalk. It was covered in flies and seemed to be barely alive. Rather than try to help it, the guy gave it a sharp kick and laughed as it limped away.

Without warning, the guy became a s...

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Big Game Hunter goes to Siberia to hunt Russian Bear

When he arrives on the train station (probably the only one in Siberia) he is greeted by the village hunter/gatherer/provider who has a very mangy, tiny, old dog leashed with a massive iron chain.
\-"Right, I'll help you." says the native "Here's what we're going to need: A great big blow horn,...

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A man walks into a bar

And orders a few drinks. As the night goes on, he notices a sign on the wall.

It reads FREE DRINKS FOR LIFE! TAKE ON THE BAYOU CHALLENGE!

The man asks the bartender about the sign, and the bartender replies.

It’s a challenge to see who the manliest man in the bayou is. If you...

Preaching to a bear

A Catholic priest, an Orthodox priest and a rabbi argue who of them is the best preacher of their faith. The decide to settle the matter by going deep into the woods and trying to convert a bear. When they meet one week later, the Catholic and Orthodox priests are beaming with smug satisfaction, whi...

A missionary is treading the dangerous jungle...

He's been walking for weeks and has suffered mosquitoes, mud slides, leeches, dysentery and of course the unbearable heat and humidity. He's exhausted but in a few days he'll reach his destination.

Suddenly, a huge tiger leaps up from the bushes right in front of him. She's clearly hungry and...

Train Tracks

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head were walking through a forest when they come upon a set of tracks.
"They must be a set of polar bear tracks," says the blonde.
"No, no, they are a set of deer tracks," says the brunette.
The red head then exclaimed, "Are you kidding me? Polar bear! This ...

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A hearse drives past Paddy and his mate who take off their hats out of respect. The hearse is followed by a man with a big scary-looking dog, followed by a procession of several hundred men dressed in black...

"Who's in the coffin?" Paddy asks his mate.

"I hear it's the wife of the fella with the dog." His mate replies.

"Oh yeah? What happened to her?"

"I hear, the dog hates women and mauled her to death." His mate replies.

"Oh yeah?" Paddy runs across the road and grabs the ma...

Two hunters are in the woods when one is killed by a bear...

The second hunter scared off the bear, and immediately rang 911. 'I'm in the woods with my friend' he said. 'He was mauled by a bear, I think he might be dead! What should I do?'

The operator at the other end replied 'Well the first thing you must do is make sure he is definitely dead'. The ...

In ancient times, an mighty warrior of the Germanic tribes cut a swathe through the Roman Legions.

His name was Dolf, but he was more commonly called by another name, whispered by mothers to their children as a warning - "The Red", owing to the spatters of Roman blood that covered his wolfskin armour after battles.

It was a week before Christmas night that Dolf strode into a small inn, own...

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A Frenchman, a Russian, and a Mexican all arrive in hell...

...when the Devil appears before them. He says that to get out of hell, they must each complete three tasks: have sex with a woman 100 times, kill a bear, and drink 100 shots of tequila.

The Frenchman, being French, decides he'll start with making love to the woman 100 times. He starts out we...

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Roy Rogers and the mountain lion

Back in the 1950s, cowboy star Roy Rogers bought a brand new pair of expensive cowboy boots. Cowboy boots are notoriously stiff when they're new so Roy spent all morning oiling and working the leather to try to soften them up a bit. He then took them out onto the back porch to dry in the sunlight wh...

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The Bear Hunter

One day a hunter took his trusty Winchester to the mountains to hunt for bear. He hid behind a rock that overlooked a beautiful valley and waited.

Soon a brown bear appeared by the stream which ran through the valley. The hunter aimed and fired and killed the bear dead.

Suddenly then t...

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So this guy walks into a bar...

...and walks up to the bartender. As he is ordering his drink, he sees a jar full of money in the counter.



He then asks the bartender what tha jar is all about, to which he replies with, "Oh, the jar is part of a challenge I decided to set up for the patrons of the bar. Winner takes a...

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A caterpillar is looking at a flower bud [NSFW]

On the lowest branch of a tree, there is a caterpillar looking at a bud. Hungrily, it says: "I'll be damned if don't eat this bud. But I'll wait until it has bloomed so that I can go and fill my belly !!" and then it waits patiently for the bud to bloom.
Higher on that tree, a sparrow is looking...

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[Long] In the midst of World War 3, a fighter pilot is shot down behind enemy lines and taken prisoner.

Upon reaching the prisoner encampment, the pilot notices three tents in front of him before he is approached by the enemy commander.

"Prisoner! We will give you an opportunity to gain your freedom by completing three challenges in the tents behind me, which if successfully completed, you w...

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A long bar joke

A man walks into a bar. Orders a beer. The bartender asks him: "You look like a tough man, and we have three challenges for men like you, if you make it, you'll get free drinks til the day you die." - "Sounds interesting, what do I have to do?" -"Aight!", goes the bartender, "#1: you have to shotgun...

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Guy walks into a bar joke.....

A man who is down in the dumps walks into a bar. He tells the bar tender how is wife was cheating on him and in the divorce he got screwed out of everything and has no money, no house, nothing but the clothes on his back. He then asks the bar tender what it would take for him to drink free for the n...

The wooly miner

A wealthy couple's anniversary is coming up and the wife is having a hard time finding a present for her husband because he already has everything he has ever wanted.

So she's walking down the street and decides to go into a pet store in search of a suitable present. After looking around for ...

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Two men go for a hike. (Long)

A Czechoslovakian and a Russian decide to take a trip to America to hike Mt. McKinley. After their long flight and hauling all of their gear, they get to the base of the mountain. When they reach the ranger station, the rangers tell them that the mountain has had a serious bear problem lately. ...

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