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Bursts Jokes

A Man Bursts into a Bar....

A man bursts into a bar and says "Bartender, quick! I need 12 shots of your finest single malt scotch whiskey!!". The bartender immediately springs into action, pouring out shots. The man takes them each as quickly as the bartender can pour, one after the other. The bartender exclaims "I've never se...

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An Irish man bursts into a bar and demands a beer. He pounds it and slams it back and demands another. The bartender asks what's wrong?

The Irish man angrily slams the second beer and says, "You know, you build 100 roads for the community. But do they call you Seamus the road builder? No!"

He orders another beer and slams it back. "You build 1000 walls for the villages. But do they call you Seamus the wall builder? No!"
...

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A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

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A man wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun bursts through the door of a bank

"Go to the back and give me everything you've got!" the man says.

The woman replies, "Sir, this is a mistake, this is a SPERM bank."

"I don't give a shit, you go get me what I told you!"

The woman goes to the back and comes out carrying a tray full of sperm samples.

"Open...

A guy goes to jail. First night after lights out he hears someone yell out, "49!", then the entire cell block bursts out laughing.

A few moments later, someone else yells out, "88!", and everyone laughs again.

The new inmate turns to his cellmate and asks, "What's with the numbers? Why is everyone laughing?"

His inmate replies, "Well, we've all been here so long we've heard every joke. Instead of telling the entir...

An armed masked man bursts into a bank yelling "EVERYBODY PUT YOUR HANDS UP, THIS IS A ROBBERY!"

The patrons and staff, terrified, comply.


He's loading up his sack with cash when his mask slips off. He quickly pulls it back up and sees two guys who may have seen his face. He points his gun at the first.


"Did you see my face?"


"Yes"


BANG, he sh...

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This pissed off guy bursts into a bar full of people with a rifle.

“Who the hell’s the asshole who slept with my wife?!”

Some guy answers:
“Woah! Woah dude! You’re gonna need more bullets.”

You are always stranded if the tire bursts in your Apple car

Because it has no jack.

Police bursts into a man's house.

They put him on the floor, handcuff him and all that shabang.

One of the officers says to him: "You are arrested for illegally downloading the whole Wikipedia!"

The man says: "I'm sorry officer.

I can explain everything."

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A software tester walks into a bar

Backs into a bar.

Runs into a bar.

Crawls into a bar.

Dances into a bar.

Flies into a bar.

Jumps into a bar.

And orders:

a beer.

2 beers.

0 beers.

987654321 beers.

a lizard in a beer glass.

\-1 beer.

"qwertyui...

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A man badly damaged his dick in an accident

The surgeon says “we’ve developed a new technique that can rebuild your penis, using a section of an elephant’s trunk”; so the guy decides to go ahead.

The operation is a great success. A couple of weeks later, he’s having dinner at a restaurant with his wife. Suddenly his dick bursts out of ...

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A man bursts into his therapist's office . . .

. . . apologizing for being late because he overslept. "But I had an Incredible breakthrough in my dream. I was talking to my mother and she suddenly turned into YOU! That's when I woke up, got dressed, grabbed a coke and a donut, and rushed to your office".

The therapist says "a coke and a d...

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An irate woman bursts through the doors of a bar, angrily screaming, "All lawyers are assholes!"

This enrages a patron at the end of the bar, who stands up and shouts, "Hey! I take offense to that!"
"Why?" she asks, sneering at him, "You a lawyer or something?"

"No," he retorts, "I'm an asshole!"

So a man is chillin' in his sofa one afternoon when suddenly his wife bursts into the room...

She starts yelling:

*"I'm so tired of seeing you there all the freacking day! Go move your ass! Look! I'm cooking a French recipe and I need some snails! Take this cash and get me some!"*

The man tries to elaborate an excuse but the yelling-storm is too strong and blocks th...

A man bursts into a doctor's office...

...and is frantically looking for the doctor. Finally he finds him in one of the rooms but he is with someone. Still, the man shouts out, "Doctor! Doctor, you have to help me. I think I'm shrinking!"

And the doctor says, "Now, now. You'll just have to be a little patient."

A guy bursts into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but saran wrap underwear.

The doctor takes one look at him and says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

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A man with a gun bursts into a bar

He shouts "which one of you fuckers slept with my wife"

A voice from the back calls back "you haven't got enough bullets mate"

There are a pair of twins called Ving and Ling. Ving decided to go to the town hall to change his name. Ling decided to give him a lift there. When they arrived Ling reminded Ving that he would disgrace their family if he changed his name to Lee.

Ving takes a form and quickly fills it out to change his name. He sends off the form, but immediately starts to regret it. He is told that to revoke his form he must pay a small fee. Ling takes out her purse and is about to hand over the money when suddenly…
A man, their father, bursts through th...

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A man bursts into a sperm bank, wearing a mask and weilding a gun.

He goes to the woman behind the counter, puts the gun in her face and screams "OPEN THE VAULT!" She timidly stammers, "Sir, this is a sperm bank. There's no money..." He cocks the gun and screams, "I SAID OPEN IT!!!" She reluctantly leads him to the big freezer, "see" she says, "it's just test tubes...

A young guy bursts into a small corner shop late one evening…

“I landed a hot date tonight and she will be over any minute. I need a bottle of wine, a pack of condoms and a bag of oranges!”

The clerk cant help his curiosity. “What are the oranges for?”

“Halftime”.

The king's guard bursts into the throne room...

Out of breath and in a panic they alert the king
> Sire, the peasants, they're revolting!


The king nods and responds:
>Mmm yes, they are quite disgusting aren't they

A guy is spending his first night in prison

He hears someone in another cell shout out "37!" and the whole cell block bursts out laughing.

Another guy shouts out "74!" Same thing.

"46!" and everyone loses their minds.

He asks his cellmate "What's going on? Why are the numbers so funny?"

"Well we've all been here so...

A guy bursts into a gas station laughing like crazy

Gas station manager asks him what's so funny.

Guy says "There's a blonde outside trying to open her car door with a coathanger through the window"

"I know, I gave her the coat hanger, she locked herself out of her car" says the gas station manager.

Guy stops, then bursts into ev...

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"Sir, we're mining too many useless minerals."

Hitler: "Mine less then"

*Grammar Nazi bursts in*

"MINE FEWER."

*Hitler looks over* "Yes?"

[EDIT](http://www.reddit.com/r/AntiJokes/comments/2dmxah/sir_were_mining_too_many_useless_minerals/)

A woman bursts out of the examining room, screaming after her doctor tells her she is pregnant

The director of the clinic stops her and asks what the problem is. She tells him what happened and another doctor has her sit down and relax in another room while he marches down the hallway to where the woman’s doctor had informed her of the pregnancy.

“What is wrong with you? Mrs. Miller is...

A guy is jailed for the first time...

A guy is imprisoned for his first time


On his first night, a few minutes after lights-out, his cellmate moves closer to the cell-bars.

A while later, someone from another cell shouts "Number 13!". His cellmate and the entire block bursts into laughter. The new prisoner finds this s...

A man bursts into a confession booth

"Father!" he cries, hardly able to breathe. "For the last month I have been having daily orgies with just me and 5 women from my street. Two of the women are a twins"

"My child, this is wanton. I can absolve you but once this has stopped"

"There has been much sodomy Father. Every depra...

A masked thief bursts into a bank...

As he climbs over the counter his balaclava catches and comes off for a second, before he quickly puts it back on.

The thief says to the cashier "did you see my face?", the cashier says "yes, I did!". Then the thief shoots her dead.

The thief then goes up to a customer and says "did yo...

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A man bursts into his bedroom, holding a duck....

He is clearly drunk, his wife notices as she wakes up.

"This is the pig I fuck when you've got a headache!" he screams.

"That's a duck, dumbass," his wife replies.

He tells her, "I was talking to the duck!"

A new guy starts work at a bakery.

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

A man bursts into a dentist’s waiting room.

“Oooh, ooooh, I’m a moth, I’m a moth!” he exclaims. 

 “This is dentist, not a psychiatrist,” says the receptionist, “why did you come in here?“ 

 “Your light was on,” says the man.

NSFW - A masked man bursts into a sperm bank with a gun...

He runs up to the woman working the front desk and screams, "OPEN THE VAULT!"

The woman is frightened and confused, "Sir, this is a sperm bank!"

"OPEN IT!", he yells while waving the gun.

She complies and opens the vault.

"Now take out a sample and drink it!", he demands....

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A man bursts into a talent agents office and says

I have a great act for you, ‘I can sing out of my arse’
‘You can sing out if your arse’ exclaims the talent agent. ‘I have to see this!’
So the man climbs up on the agents desk, drops his pants and proceeds to drop a big turd, in the middle of the desk.
The talent agent is furious, ‘I thou...

A Chinese fella bursts out of the janitorial closet and exclaims

Supplies!

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A woman bursts into her man's room, holding a ticket...

She yell's "I just won 15 million dollars in the powerball Harold! Pack your bags!"
The husband jumps out of his seat "Oh my god! Should I pack for Hot or Cold weather!?"
The wife replies "I don't give a fuck just get the hell out!"

A patient bursts into a doctor’s office

A patient bursts into a doctor’s office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!"

The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later."

Guy bursts into a dentist's office

Guy bursts into a dentist's office and says "HEY, listen here buddy, you have to help me NOW: my teeth are SO sensitive they can sense impending EARTHQUAKES" the dentist looked at him sternly for a moment and said "you've got some nerve"

It’s 1961, and a NASA scientist is sitting in his office when an intern bursts in

“Sir! Sir! The Russians...”

The scientist looks inquisitively at him. “Yes? What about them?”

The intern takes a moment to catch his breath and says, “The Russians have gone into space!”

The scientist jumps out of his chair. “ALL OF THEM?”

“No, just one.”

The scien...

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Studies show that 6 in 10 people suffer from sudden bursts of anger.

The other 4 are FUCKING WANKERS.

A woman bursts into the clubhouse at a golf course, out of breath...

“Is there a doctor in the house?” She gasps.


A guy nursing a pint at the bat looks up. “What seems to be the problem?” He asks.

“I’ve been stung by a bee.” She replies.

“Where?”

“Between the first and second holes.”

He returns to his drink. “Clearly madam, your...

A woman works in a sperm bank. She is taking a bottle of specimen when a man wearing a ski mask and a gun suddenly bursts into the room.

The gunman points the gun at her, and tells her to drink the specimen. The woman is both scared and shocked. Afraid for her life, she opens the bottle and swallows the liquid. The gunman removes his mask, revealing himself to be her husband, and says:
'See, that wasn't so hard, was it?'

This is for Robin Williams

A man goes to see a doctor. Doctor asks what seems to be the trouble. The man says, "Doc, I'm depressed. Simply, I can't sleep sometimes, I can't eat, I feel down and irritable most days. I just can't feel 'happy.'"

The Doctor says, "I've got the perfect fix for you. In town tonight is the g...

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

What bursts when dropped , but can never be caught

A Fart.

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Tickle Me Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manage...

Rupert Grint bursts into the room, "Mum, I just got a part in the Harry Potter movie!"

"Serious?"

"No, Ron."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cowboy rides in to town

A cowboy rides in to town on his horse and ropes it in front of a canteen. After a few hours of drinking he walks out and finds that his horse is missing. The cowboy turns around and bursts in to the canteen. Seeing the cowboy pissed as Hell the place goes quiet. The cowboy looks around and with a d...

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A man bursts into a doctor’s surgery. “Doctor, doctor! I’ve got strawberries coming out of my anus!”

The doctor asks if the man would like some cream for it

An old southern farmer is out one day with his dog repairing a fence row when suddenly part of it bursts into flames..

Wow I did not expect this post to blow up.

A woman decides to surprise her husband with a brand new luxury wardrobe...

While he's at work she goes to IKEA and finds a beautiful wardrobe, buys it, and returns home. Reading the instructions, she easily assembles the marvelous piece of furniture

Then, as she stood satisfied about her work, a bus passed by the window and the whole wardrobe fell apart. Stunned, ...

GRANPA, GRANPA CROAK LIKE A FROG

A six-year-old goes to the hospital with her mother to visit her Grandpa.  When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her mother and bursts into her Grandpa's room.  "Grandpa, Grandpa," she says excitedly, "as soon as my mother comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

 

"W...

While visiting the old folks home, little Charlie asks his grandmother, "Grandma, what is 'dark humor'?"

His grandma replies, "Watch, I'll show you." She points at a man in a wheelchair, and says, "See that man over there? Go and ask him to stand up."

Charlie gasps. "But grandma...!"

His grandma then points at a man with no arms. "And see him? Tell him to clap his hands! Hah!"

Char...

A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette die and go to heaven...

There they are greeted by St. Peter who looks at them grimly.

"Unfortunately, heaven is quite full at the moment so you must all undergo a test to prove your worth. Before you all is the stairway to heaven totalling one thousand steps. On each step I will tell you a joke, they will get progre...

A young blonde fears that her boyfriend is seeing another girl...

One day, the girl is visiting her boyfriend's apartment for lunch and stumbles across another woman's discarded garments on his bedroom floor. After sitting coolly through the meal, avoiding eye contact, she quietly excuses herself without explanation. She is incredibly hurt, and on her way home fin...

A woman bursts out laughing in a NASA control room witnessing a comet on an impact course with Earth.

Director: Margaret, this is beyond catastrophic, what on Earth are you laughing at ?

Woman: Sorry, it's just the comet reminds me of my husband.

Director: What are you talking about ?

Woman: Well, it's coming too quickly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes on vacation to Jamaica.

Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love-making she asks him, “What is your name?”
“I can’t tell you,” the black man says.
Every night they meet, and every night she asks him again what his name is, and he always responds the same, he can’t tell her.
On...

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Boys have a thing and girls don't. Pt 2

*Hijacking the title from the front page*

Little Tommy was coming home from school after any regular Monday of 3th grade. As he passed his classmate Susie’s house, he saw her playing with her dolls in the yard. Being a miserable 9 year old he yelled over to Susie. “Hey Susie, you see this bik...

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth...

The doctor comes in and informs him that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. Your son is just a head!

But the father loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and
compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad
takes him to the bar an...

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Doctor just told a nun that she is pregnant.

Nun: "Doctor, you can't be serious - I haven't had sex with a man even once in my entire life! I am saving myself for God!"

Doc: "Sorry, but the tests show undoubtedly that you are pregnant..."

Nun leaves the doctor in anger and bursts back into church shouting: "Ok, who in the name of...

I Think I’m a Moth!

A man bursts into a doctor’s office breathlessly flapping his elbows and exclaims, “Doctor can you help me? I think I’m a moth!”

“I can’t help you,” replies the doctor, “I’m a cardiologist. I help people with heart problems. You have a head problem. You need a shrink!”

“I know,” replie...

Sunday morning, a man bursts into church and interrupts the sermon, shouting "It's a miracle! I'm walking! I'm walking!" "What happened?" the preacher asked.

"They stole my car" the man replied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man goes to The Circus of Pagliacci

He doesn't laugh. At the end of the show Pagliacci ask him why he didn't laugh. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Pagliacci says, 'I think you should see a doctor.' Man bursts into tears....

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[OC] Three married women are discussing blowjobs.

"My husband always asks for them," the first woman complains, "but I can't stand the taste."

"Make him swallow whole chunks of pineapple," suggests the second woman. "It will change the flavor of his semen."

The third woman perks up at this. "Wait, the taste changes depending on what m...

Starting Early

There was a little girl named Suzy and she liked to play with one of the little boys in her neighborhood named Jack after school. One day, Suzy comes home ecstatic and her mother asks, "Suzy, why are you so excited?". Suzy replies "I was playing with Jack and he said he'd give me a dollar if I climb...

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A pregnant woman was shot during a bank robbery...

After being rushed to the hospital and treated in the ER, the doctor tells her some good and bad news. The good news is that she's having triplets, all boys and they're all healthy, the bad news is that they've each got a bullet inside of them and will pass this Bullet naturally in +- 18 years.
<...

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