Swells Jokes - 13 Hilarious Swells Jokes

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Broke in a brothel

A young man turns 18 and decides to go to the local brothel for his first adult encounter. When he arrives, the madame meets him in the parlor and explains how things work. He settles upon what he wants and asks the price. The madame informs him it will cost him $100 for his requested services. He l...

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A Man is on vacation on the Farm....

and because the Weather is so nice he decides to Sunbath nude.

While lying there, a Bee stings him in his Penis.

It swells and hurts as Hell.

He goes to the Farmer to ask what he should do against the pain and swelling.

The Farmer tells him the best remedy is to hold his ...

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The Godfather’s relaxing at his social club...

...with his crew. The usual gaggle of young Turks waits in the wings, hoping to get noticed, hoping to move up.

The Godfather calls one of them over.

“Jimmy, I hear good things about you. They tell me you’re serious, that you can be trusted.”

Jimmy swells with pride.

“I ...

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A husband suspects his wife is having an affair.

But he fails to gather the adequate proof necessary to blame her.
One day after coming home he sees her wife in bed, stark naked.
"So my suspicion was right! Where is that bastard?" he shouts in anger and swiftly rushes to look for him.
He doesn't find anyone but right when he was about to ...

Science teacher fail.

Little Johnny is on a field trip with his science class; they're in the woods.
Johnny spies a snake. He asks "Hey teacher, is this snake poisonous"?
The teacher responds "No, that snake is not poisonous".

Johnny catches the snake. He proudly shows it off to his classmates. The snake tur...

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Gonorrhea

A man goes to the doctors after his toe goes black and swells up. After he is diagnosed with a dose of gonorrhea of the foot, he asked if it was rare. The doctor told him 'about as rare as the woman we had in yesterday, with athlete's cunt’

A Bridge to Hawaii

A man is cleaning out his garage and comes upon an old lamp. He figures what the heck, takes the lamp, rubs it off, and sure enough a Genie pops out. “Thank you for awakening me. I will grant you one wish.”
The man inquires “anything I want?"

“Yes, anything” says the Genie.
...

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A flying saucer lands in the middle of a farm one evening...

The farmer and his wife witness the landing and decide to investigate, discovering a male and female Martian couple aboard the craft. Being friendly, the farm couple invites the Martians to dinner back at the farmhouse.

One glass of wine turns into several, the conversation turns raunchy, and...

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A farmer couple is visited by aliens

Two space aliens, a male and a female, land their ship in the middle of a farm and meet the husband and wife who own it. They start talking and the farmers put them up in their house for a few weeks. They exchange stories about culture and technology. On the last night before the aliens depart, the ...

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The Mexican president has a rare cancer of the brain and is in need of a brain transplant. His only option is a risky new procedure that his doctor recently perfected.

He now has to “shop” for his brain.

“Sir, as this is a new procedure, our pool of brains you can choose from is rather small. Prices of the brains will vary,” said the doctor.

“Okay, show me what you’ve got. I have an important job, so I’ll need the best brain,” replies the president...

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I met my girlfriend in high school,

We were immediately best friends and spent days together having the most fun I had ever had. Then one day I asked her the question.

She said yes!

We were so happy together and we stayed together through high school. We both finished college together, we both got jobs together and event...

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Let's ask ISIS to be our Valentine

Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

"Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Thelma's father thinks a bit then ...

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First "Contact"

In the years that followed first contact between humanity and an alien race, individuals from both species took steps to integrate their two cultures. At one of several social conventions held to further this goal, a human couple and an alien couple meet and discuss their common traits. They eventua...

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