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Au Jokes

Au

Don't you dare downvote. That joke was pure gold.
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An American tourist is hit by a car in downtown Sydney, AU.

He is in a coma for 24 hours. When he wakes up in the hospital, he is very disoriented.

"Did I come here to die?" he asks.

The nurse replies, "No, love, you came here yestadie!"
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What color does your skin turn when you pour molten gold onto it?

Au-burn




^He^^He^^^He^^^^He
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My Au Pair from Finland has been finding school very difficult of late.

So much anticipation and excitement around my school as it's the first Dux Scholar we've ever had.

Anticipation runs high as we'd all like to see his academic capabilities in our 'not-so-great' school.



Every subject imaginable; Physics, Geography, English, Chemistry etc, we are...

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...
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One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
 
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
Americ...

How do French football fans like their coffee?

Au lait, au lait au lait au lait
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I am taking a test and I need to know what element Au is. Can someone help me?

I'm going to fail this test if I don't have the answer
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Why did the French person commit suicide when they couldn't find their olive oil?

Because they had lost the *huile d'olive*
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When the king farted, why did nobody laugh?

Because noble gases don’t cause reactions.
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The cost of joining the Roman Numeral Society was exactly $499

They wouldn't let me in because I didn't have ID...
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A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, “Jesus is watching you.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo ...
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Police last night raided the Home For Retired Thieves and Au Pairs....

...they proceeded to search every crook and nanny!
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I’m writing a Goonies fan fiction…

I’m calling it [AU] Guys
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I lost my gold bar.

Au man!
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What's the difference...

between a piece of outdoor furniture and a talkative live-in nanny?

One is a patio chair and the other is a chatty au pair!

(I'll see myself out now...)
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C, E-flat, and G go into a bar...

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying...
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So I arrived at the restaurant……………..

So I arrived at the restaurant a bit early for a family meal.
-"Would you mind waiting for a while?" asked the manager.
"Not at all," I replied.
-"Good," he said.
And then added,
-"Take these 2 Coq au Vins over to the couple by the window, then start clearing tables 4 and 7"
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I know that "adios" means "bye" in Spanish, "au revoir" is "bye" in French, and "ciao" is "see you later" in Italian, but I've always wondered how you say "bye" in Japanese, Russian, and Icelandic.

I guess you could say I'm bye curious.

How did the Silver bar get the Gold bar's attention?

Au
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What do you call a depressed pair of croissants?

Pain au pain.
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Two chemists walk into a bar.

The first one says "I think I'll have an H2O." The second one says "I think I'll have an H2O too." But nothing happened because no bar carries fucking hydrogen peroxide.

What did Sloth say when he found gold?

AU GUYS!!!
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Old army joke from Romania(Ukraine's neighbor) about Russian soldiers

This joke was left to me by my grandfather who fought in a couple of wars before he passed away and it's in regard to statues of Russian soldiers in the old USSR.



Russian soldiers,

why did they put you

up there?

Because you lied to the people,

or because y...
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A scientist drops a bar of gold on his foot by mistake...

"Au!", he exclaimed.
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Did you hear about that massive chunk of gold?

It’s au-fully heavy.
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What did the iron say to the gold when it tried to wake him up?

AU, get out of here!
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Are you made of Gold, Titanium, Sulfur, and Carbon?

Because you are Au.Ti.S.Ti.C
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Why is North America so salty?

Because its Na.
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If Sloth discovered the gold in the Goonies.

He would have shouted 'AU guys!'
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What’s better than pain?

Pain au chocolat
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Why does Hilter hate going to Arby's?

They keep giving him Au jus sauce.


I'm going to hell.
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What did Silver say when it saw Gold walking across the street?

Au!
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Can't believe Goonies didn't win an Oscar

It deserves one of those AU guys!
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An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

But au pair a day keeps the social workers away.
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What do you call a periodic table when the gold is missing?

Au revoir.
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Do you know what happens if you eat gold?

Au shit

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The man and the horse couldn’t agree on what to name the new planet

Despite hours of brainstorms and workshops, the man and the horse couldn’t agree on what to name the new planet.

“New Terra is the sensible choice”, said the man, exasperated.

“Don’t give me that more-evolved-than-thou horse-shit”, said the horse, “why don’t you let a non-dominant life...

A french pastry chef spends his holidays in the US and needs to go see the local medic...

Pastry chef : Euh Docteur, I häv terribeul pain when I eat chocolate!

Doctor checks him out and after a few moments says : Ah yes, typical case of <puts on sunglasses>... PAIN AU CHOCOLAT.
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when gold crushed your feet

**au**\-ch
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85 year ol man marries....

And sees his doctor "I just married an 18 year old au pair girl, and she wants to have a baby as I am getting old. Is there anything I can do to help speed this up?"

Doctor looks at the old man and says "get a young lodger!" With a wry smile.

5 months later the old man visits his doct...
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I swear I’ve had this brand of brothy sandwich dip, before!

Never mind, label says it’s just “Dave’s Au Jus.”
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Why is the Gold Coast called the Gold Coast?

Because the country it's in is called *Au*stralia. If it were the Silver Coast, it'd be *Ag*stralia.
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I’m going to open a gold-plated fasteners company

It’s going to be called Au Nuts
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I got struck by a golden axe

Au!
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Walks into a bar chemistry jokes

Silver walks into a bar
He sees gold in the distance and yell’s,
“AU! Get outa here!”

Helium walks into a bar
The bartender says,
“Sorry we don’t serve noble gases here”
Helium doesn’t react
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Hitler walks into a pub

And orders a French dip, when the waiter comes out to give it to him he says,“Here is your French dip and Au Jus sir”, Hitler responds with “Au Jus!?! WHERE!?!”

They say the golden wind comes in during this month...

Au gust
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At the risk of getting egg on my face and being too cheesy.

Omelette au fromage.
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We went for a hike at the weekend , despite the blustery conditions , and despite taking 2 steps forward then 3 steps back we battled against the weather quite well.

Then it happened, from nowhere came down the sandwiches, sausage rolls, scotch eggs quiche and Vol-au-vent and then I realised we was being buffetted by the wind.
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An Australian, Frenchman and a British man are in a desert...

The three had been walking for a couple of days in blazing heat, they stumbled onto a ravine and begin to bathe in it.

The three men look up in horror to see see a group of tribals with spears pointing at them, the men are brought to the chief of the tribe.

The chief says "you trespass...

Chemistry jokes #3

H2O is water and H2O2 is hydrogen peroxide. What is H2O4?

Drinking

I’m trying to find the best chemistry jokes but all the good ones argon


Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"
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As a chemist I can conclude that Freddie Mercury's voice is full of beryllium, gold and titanium

Because his voice is Be-Au-Ti-full
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What's Orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot ( and Donald Trump.) Credit to: @brandonwho_au
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To show off how wealthy he was, I saw a guy inhale a line of 24K gold dust

It was really Au inspiring.
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A chap goes to the doctor about his erectile disfunction

A chap goes to the doctor about his erection, and the kindly doctor prescribes him some Viagra. He explains to him that he needs to take it an hour before the act, so the next night the chap gets home early and prepares a romantic dinner for his wife.

He then calls her in the office where she...

#28736. A guy goes into a lawyer’s office...

... and asks the lawyer, “Excuse me, how much do you charge?”

The lawyer responds: “I charge AU$1,000 to answer three questions.”

“Bloody hell – That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?”

“Yes. What’s your third question?”
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What did the rest of the periodic table say as gold went home at the end of the day?

Au revoir!
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Mick Jagger is sitting on a cloud.

He sees a piece of gold on the cloud with him and throws it off exclaiming

Au get off of my cloud!
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So I’m at the dentist yesterday...

So I’m at the dentist yesterday, the dentist has a needle deep in my gums. As he’s concentrating, he casually says, “how are fat chicks and bricks alike?” I was like “au-ha-oa-iea” (his hand still in my mouth) He goes “welp, sooner or later their gonna get laid by a Mexican.”

True story.
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Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they’re so good at it!
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Why are french people always so sad?

Because they eat Pain for breakfast
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My friend asked me if she could use my periodic table

I said "sorry, I left it atom"
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What is a nanny's favorite fruit?

Au Pair.
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I did the math on Hurricane Florence rain fall...

There is predicted to be 17 Trillion gallons of rain falling from Florence.

The width of a milk jug is 5.5"

Rain x Width = 93 Trillion inches

93 Trillion divided by 12 gets you 7,791,666,666,666 Feet

Divided by 5280

1,475,694,444 Miles

Divided by 93,000,000 ...

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In service

A young boy jumps into hot bath, within a few minutes he is calling out to his mum. "mummy something happened to my willy"
The mum rushes upstairs to the boy only to find he has had his first erection.
"Don't worry" said the mum, "your willy is just a totem pole, it becomes hard and upright re...

A proton, electron and a neuton get into a bar fight.

The bartender calls cops and they show up to arrest everyone. The cops cuff the proton and electron but they let the neutron go because nobody could press charges.
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What does Australia and Atlantis have in common?

They both live down under
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(OC?) A man walks into a French bakery

He goes up to the counter and is offered some chocolate to which he declines, whilst noticing that there's not much for sale. The baker then hits him over the head with a rolling pin. "Ow what did you do that for?!" They only had pain au chocolats
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I saw a burglar on the CCTV of my elements shop. He was taking gold, iodine, carbon, uranium, platinum, and three bottles of nitric oxide. I said over the tannoy....

'Au, I C U! NO NO NO!'


I didn't mention the Fifth Element because it was so overpriced and overhyped.
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