One day an atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. " And to think they were all created by a cosmic accident" As he was walking alongside the river he suddenly heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to see a seven foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path but he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
Suddenly he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up he saw the bear right on top of him...

What do I know about bonsai trees?

Very little. (Edit: wow! Silver, gold, and platinum! Thanks, anonymous Redditor(s). And six (6!) upvotes!)

Friends are like trees

They fall down if you hit them multiple times with an axe.

A farmer walks into a hardware store and asks for a chainsaw that can cut down 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The farmer is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY! The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what’s wrong, and the farmer says: “What’s that noise?”

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It would really sucks if breasts were made out of trees...

Wooden tit?

I was telling jokes about trees, but everyone who listens to me


How many trees have been burned in the Amazon so far?

Roughly 5 Brazilion

What's big, white and can't climb trees?

A fridge.

Why shouldn’t you go near big trees?

They’re really shady.

After 150 days off flooding, Noah released all the animals from his ark and commanded then to go forth and multiply.

After some time, he saw that the flocks and herds were regaining their numbers, but he came across a pair of snakes who had laid no eggs, and were just laying about.

"Why have you not multiplied?" he asked.

To which the snakes responded, "we can't, we're adders."

Noah being ...

If money doesn't grow on trees...

Why are they called bank branches?

Why don't you ever see hippos hiding in trees?

Because they're really good at it.

Two trees and a woodpecker

There are two trees next to each other who are arguing over what type of tree is growing between them. One is a birch tree one is a beech tree. The birch believes that the small tree is a son of a birch and the beech tree believes that the small tree is a sin of a beech. A woodpecker fly’s by and th...

Lovers carving names on trees

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

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A lion is taking a peaceful drink out of a jungle stream, when a gorilla spots him through the trees

The gorilla sneaks up behind the lion, grabs his hindquarters, and screws him up the butt

The lion roars out and the gorilla takes off through the trees. The gorilla manages to stretch out his lead a bit, when he comes on a camp. The gorilla decides to disguise himself as a human on saf...

Two big trees are talking in the woods.

One big tree says to the other. “Dear Fir, what do you suppose this little bitty tree is between us? Do you think it’s the son of a beech or the son of a birch?”

“I’m afraid I do not know, kind fir,” says the other tree.

In the meantime a woodpecker lands on the baby tree. The first...

What do you call a sleepy guy who cuts trees?


Trees don't register,

They *log* in.

People are like trees

When you cut them in half they die

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A Navy Chief rolls onto base and sees two marines, one is digging a hole and the other marine is filling in a hole behind him.

A Navy Chief rolls onto base and sees two marines, one is digging a hole and the other marine is filling in a hole behind him. He doesn’t think much of it until lunch when he goes for a walk and sees the two still at and a whole line of freshly dug and filled in holes. He walks up to them.


A couple of trees were shopping for a car...

They bought a two-cedar.

I was going to make a joke about trees

But I’m stumped

Why are tall trees so happy?

They are high.

A Lumberjack went for a job, interviewer said tell me your previous employment, he said I cut down all the trees in the Sahara, interviewer, but the Sahara is a dessert.

Lumberjack says yeah it is now.

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Why are Christmas trees and priests similar

The balls are just for show

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A brand new lumberjack is being shown around the work site where he will be felling trees.

The foreman takes him to the barracks, "Here's where you'll be sleeping, son, you have the top bunk over there" and motions to the corner of the room, "Up at 5 a.m., lights out at 10 p.m." The new hire looks at the shabby conditions but thinks he can put up with it for the pay he'll be receiving....

What do dogs and trees share most in common?

They both come with bark

What do you get hanging from apple trees?

Sore arms.

Why do people hang out around aspen trees?

They're very *poplar*.

Why don't pine trees eat salad?

Because they're coniferous.

What part of the brain deals with knowledge of trees?

The treefrontal cortex.

As a lumberjack i know i have cut down 2,718 trees.

Because every time I cut one down I keep a log.

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Did you know elephants paint their balls red to blend in with cherry trees? What’s the loudest noise in the jungle..?

A giraffe eating cherries

George Washington had enacted a strict army policy about cherry trees

Dont axe, dont tell

A man goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The server sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it will cut through over 100 trees in one day.

The man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees but after working for hours he only cuts down two trees.

“How can I cut for hours and hours and only finish two trees?” he asks himself.

Next day the man brings the chainsaw back to the store and says it doesn’t work prope...

I am the Lorax, I speak for the trees

They need a translator, they only speak Vietnamese.

What's worse than a dead baby nailed to a tree?

A dead baby nailed to three trees.

Back in the 60s,my little brother thought he could communicate with the trees and i used to think he had some mental issues...

That is until i was drafted to Vietnam

If trees could scream would we still cut them down?

We might, if they did it all the time for no good reason.

Why are trees good at math?

They know how to get square roots

I checked into a hotel and the place was crawling with people dressed up as evergreen trees.

Dang Firry conventions.

What do you call trees who are sad about the death of a fellow tree?

Mourning wood

How do trees greet each other?

They say "Woods-up bro"

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Roses are Red, Violets are Red, Trees are Red....

Oh shit the gardens on fire!

Why do trees make good missionaries?

They make people beleave in them.

Dad: I don't trust those trees son.

Son: why not dad?
Dad: I don't know, they seem kinda shady

I speak for the trees!

So an ant is walking through a field, scavenging for food. Suddenly, his legs stiffen up and he has trouble walking. "Feet! He says, angrily. "Why have you failed me? I must search for food, but I am unable to walk." "Not us!" Squeal the feet. "We only are only meant for gripping the ground or ...

An argument developed between the forest animals

It was over a small sapling that had grown between two large trees. One side argued that it was a son of a beech, the other thought it was the son of a birch.

They asked the woodpecker to decide the matter, since he was the expert on trees. He flew down to the sapling, took a sample and ret...

Two trees are having an argument in the forest.

A new a sapling has popped up between a maple and a pine and the two of them got into an argument over what kind of tree it is.
The maple thinks it's a son of a birch, and the pine thinks it's a son of a beech. Neither one was willing to concede to the other.
Maple "it's a son of a birch"

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The wind was howling through the trees...

"Shut the fuck up," said the trees.

Why are the trees planted so close together in Paris?

So the Germans could march in the shade.

So they've started planting trees actively nowadays.

Well that's a releaf

Why dont trees like going fishing?

Because they can only cast a shadow.

When winter is finally over, the leaves on trees begin grow back again.

What a releaf.

The son went to his dad and asked him, "Dad, what's an alcoholic?"

So the dad replied, "Do you see those four trees? Well, an alcoholic would see eight."

The son replied, "But Dad, I only see two."

You wouldn't think that a pastry frosting made from magical trees would be very good,

but it's actually enticing!

Damn those trees,so insulting..

Throwing shade left and right

Why are there so many trees next to the roads in France

The germans like marching in the shade

Two old trees stood tall looking at a young sapling growing nearby

One day, a strong oak tree and a fine beech tree were chatting when they noticed a small sapling growing nearby. The forest was a very competitive place. They both wanted this sapling to be their offspring but there was no way to tell from where they stood. The oak tree saw a woodpecker flying throu...

What kind of trees are Trump supporters?


I hear there is an academy for people who want to learn how to graft limbs onto trees.

I want to start a new branch.

Carobs grow on carob trees in warm climates. They are frequently transported to other regions by air.

Usually by pilots of the carob bean.

The sun is singing, the birds are blazing, the trees are shouting...

I think I may have taken the wrong medication.

A man rating trees

A man was rating his 3 Oak trees. Oak C was great, Oak B was even better, but the other was just okay.

Have you seen that awesome video of a Koala drinking tea high up in the trees?

It’s super high Koala-tea

Whats worse that 7 babies tied to one tree?

one baby tied to 7 trees

What did Wolverine use to cut down trees before he got the adamantium treatment?

He used a huge axe, man.

Q: why did the trees take a nap?

A: for rest (forest)

Ever wonder why angels are put on top of Christmas trees?

‘‘Twas the night before Christmas, to Santa’s dismay

Because the North Pole was in a bad way

The elves were on strike and not making toys

And the reindeer were out getting drunk with the boys

Santa sat in his sleigh and pondered his plight

When what came his way ...

Two trees stood ogling a bush...

One says to the other, "I totally wood."

If humans were trees, how deep would the roots be?

Two feet.

If trees had legs I know what I'd shout if I saw an axeman coming...

Run forest! Run!

My girlfriend "Dad joked" me on a hike.

I asked my girlfriend what she thought trees would sound like if they talked while on a hike.
She said "I bet we couldn't understand them"
I said "why do you think that?"
She said "because they probably only bark"
She then laughed the next half mile down the trail barking occasionally an...

Why are pine trees always stoned ?

They have to many cones

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