Did you hear about the lumberjack who got fired for cutting down too many trees?

He saw too much

What crime is punishable by death in the kingdom of trees?

Treeson

Joe's Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever...

Why don't you see elephants hiding in trees?

Because they're really good at it.

Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days ?

Dunno, they just seem a bit shady

"Daddy... what's an alcoholic???"... "Well, son... see those four trees? An alcoholic sees eight..."

"But daddy, there are only two trees!?"

Why do trees in Wisconsin lean south East?

Because the Bears suck and the Vikings blow

What do I know about bonsai trees?

Very little. (Edit: wow! Silver, gold, and platinum! Thanks, anonymous Redditor(s). And six (6!) upvotes!)

Why are Christmas trees bad at sewing?

They keep losing their needles.

What do Millenials and Christmas Trees have in common?

They used to thrive, but now they're dead inside.

What music do trees love listening to?

Bach

One day an atheist was taking a walk through the woods. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. " And to think they were all created by a cosmic accident" As he was walking alongside the river he suddenly heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to see a seven foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path but he looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.
Suddenly he tripped and fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up he saw the bear right on top of him...

People are like trees

If you hit them with an axe, they die.

Why would trees be excellent postal workers?

They're always on root.

How do trees connect to the Internet?

They log on.

Why are there trees in Paris?

So the Germans can walk in the shade.

Did you hear about the guy who tried to grow an apple orchard without trees?

His efforts were fruitless

How do lumberjacks keep track of all the trees they cut down?

With a logbook.

A farmer walks into a hardware store and asks for a chainsaw that can cut down 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The farmer is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back, complaining that it would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY! The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what’s wrong, and the farmer says: “What’s that noise?”

You know Tinder right? Well have you heard of the new app for people trying to find trees?

It's called Timber.

An atheist in hell

An Athiest in hell



An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and th...

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trees are clever

Tree: Holy shit I need to plant my seeds but i cant move because im a tree.

*Thinks

Tree: Hey, monkey face.

Monkey: What?

Tree: Taste my balls

A friend of mine chops down trees, and then hauls away the lumber with a fleet of F-350 Super Duty pickup trucks...

...he's pining for the Fjords.

My 4 year old just told her first joke: How do you get an elephant down from a tree?

“Elephants can’t climb trees you doofus”

I’m actually quite proud of her!

Sometimes I wish I was a Tree

So I could make a living from all the exposure I get from an unpaid internship.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It would really sucks if breasts were made out of trees...

Wooden tit?

Roses are red,

Roses are red,

violets are red,

trees are red,

grass is red,



fu\*k my garden's on fire

I attended a comedy seminar once... It was horrible, they needed more trees.

Because comedy comes in trees.

What do you call it when an environmentalist cuts down an endangered tree?

Treeson.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors. There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. ...

Why shouldn’t you go near big trees?

They’re really shady.

I was telling jokes about trees, but everyone who listens to me

Arbored.

What's big, white and can't climb trees?

A fridge.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lion is taking a peaceful drink out of a jungle stream, when a gorilla spots him through the trees

The gorilla sneaks up behind the lion, grabs his hindquarters, and screws him up the butt


The lion roars out and the gorilla takes off through the trees. The gorilla manages to stretch out his lead a bit, when he comes on a camp. The gorilla decides to disguise himself as a human on saf...

There was an old man who lived by a forest.

As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the...

What Do Humans Know About Bonsai Trees

Very Little

Lovers carving names on trees

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

Why doesn’t the Lorax go to Vietnam?

Because the trees can speak for themselves

What type of Apple's grow on trees ?

All of them

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