There's a pair of twins, Ivan and Oliver Peterson.

They both became doctors. Not medical doctors, but doctors in meteorology.

They study the rain. You know,

Dr.I.P.

Dr.O.P.

Ivan was out with his young daughter and ran into a friend he'd not seen in years.

"This is Beth." Ivan said, introducing his kid. "And what's Beth short for?" his friend asked.

*“Because she’s only three."*

A Russian family always ate very bland food. However, one day they invited their Mexican neighbor over for dinner. When little Ivan asked his Babushka while their food tasted so much more flavorful, she replied:

Jesus is the reason for the season.

Why was Ivan Pavlov's hair so soft?

because he conditioned it

Where did Ivan the Terrible get his coffee?

Tsarbucks

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This is a traditional Scottish joke. I heard it from my dad, he heard it from his dad, and he had it shouted at him by a guy called Johnny Glue-bag

There was once a Russian wrestler with the stage name Ivan the Terrible. His name was well earned for every man who stepped into the ring with him would be killed. He had two infamous moves: the half pretzel which would cripple you for life and the full pretzel which would break your neck and kill y...

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John from America and Ivan from Russia go to hell. Satan asks: what hell will you go to, Russian or American?

\- what's the difference?
\- in American hell you need to eat one bucket of crap a day, and in Russian - two buckets.
John immediately said that he would go to American hell.
And Ivan decided that he had lived all his life in Russia and was not going to betray his country. And went to...

Real happiness

A Russian, a Frenchman and an Englishman were discussing the meaning of real happiness


The English said "real happiness is reading a good book on a rainy night with a hot cup of tea by your side"

The Frenchman said : "non mon ami, real happiness is to meet a beautiful girl make lov...

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Ivan!

Ivan who?

I'van trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty.

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Soviet Meat Queue

A mixed group of Soviet Citizens are in line outside a butchers in Vitebsk, 1950.

The butcher comes out, and says:

> Comrades, due to problems with the supply structure, there is limited meat today. All Jews must leave the line.

The Jews leave the line.

Time passes....

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What did Ivan say while he was scratching his ass?

Ivan itchy anus

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Ivan Pavlov walks into a bar...

The bell rings, and he says, “Oh shit, forgot to feed my dog!”

Boris and Ivan are walking down the street in Leningrad

Boris: “It is beautiful day in Soviet Russia! I am happy to live in glorious motherland!”

Ivan: “Nyet. *We* are happy to live in glorious motherland.”

Boris: “Blyat. My bad.”

Ivan: “Our bad.”

There once was a man named Ivan who lived with his family in a Siberian forest...

After years of living in the harsh region, Ivan became rough, tough, hard to bluff, and extremely used to hardship.

He was large, muscular, and able to chop down a fully grown Siberian pine tree with one swing of his axe. This came in handy as Ivan had to chop down many trees to be used as fi...

Two Russians, Vlad and Ivan, decided to have a race.

Both long distance runners, they decided the end would be a large rock a few miles past the Russia-Finland border.

Vlad was ahead for most of the race, but he faltered soon after the border and was passed by Ivan, who won.

"I told you I would win!" said Ivan.

"You may have won,"...

In the year 2000, Putin was elected President of Russia...

The night after he was sworn into office, Vladimir Putin had a dream. In it, he stood in a long, elegant hall, and was surrounded by all of the great leaders of Russia, from Ivan the Terrible to Boris Yeltsin. Looking around at them all, he eventually bows his head and says:

"Great rulers o...

Why do Ivan Pavlov's dogs have the shiniest and softest fur?

Repeated conditioning.

Soviet-Russian Ivan died and came to the gates of heaven

Soviet-Russian Ivan died and came to the gates of heaven. Saint Peter stated:
- Unfortunately you will go to hell, but you can choose, whether you go to the capitalist or communist
hell.
- I want to go to the communist hell, Ivan answered without hesitation.
- Why on earth? Saint ...

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The Story of Ivan Ivanavich (Warning: long)

There once was a man from the Ukraine named Ivan Ivanavich. Now Ivan and his family were dirt poor, in fact they were so poor, that they had to sell the cockroaches and rats they found in their hovel to make some spare change to to feed their many family members. One day Ivan decided it was time to ...

What do Winnie the Pooh and Ivan the Terrible have in common?

The same middle name.

(Shamelessly stolen from Cortana.)

An English athlete, a French athlete and a Russian athlete are all on the medal podium at the 1976 Summer Olympics chatting before the medal ceremony.

“Don't get me wrong" says the Englishman, "winning a medal is very nice, but I still feel the greatest pleasure in life is getting home after a long day, putting one's feet up and having a nice cup of tea".

"You Englishman" snorts the Frenchman, "you have no sense of romance. The greatest ple...

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A world champion in grizzly bear hunting wanted to shoot a polar one

He's got yet another prize in USA for hunting grizzlies, proving he's the best there is. Doesn't matter how hard it would be to hunt one, he would track them and hunt them.

One day he wanted the challenge, and thought he would step up his game and hunt for polar bears. He's no expert in polar...

At the Polish-Russian border

A Russian border patrol walks down the line, expecting a quiet evening when suddenly he sees something dangling from a tree. Someone hung himself. Right there. At the border. He calls his partner.

"Ivan? Come quick, there's someone hanging from the tree! Someone committed suicide right here a...

In a supermarket lvan lost sight of his wife.

In a supermarket Ivan lost sight of his wife. He comes up to a nice young lady and asks, "Will you talk with me for a couple of minutes, please?"
"Why should I?"
"It's always the same -- as soon as I get into talking with a pretty woman my wife abruptly pops up from out of nowhere.

Disappointed that the purchased LSD has no effect,

Ivan sat on his dragon and flew away.

Kim Jong Un and Vladimir Putin were having a meeting in a 20 story building.

During a break the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.

First, Putin called his guard Ivan into the room, opened the window and said, "Ivan, jump down."

Ivan replied in tears, "Mr. President, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son."

Putin expla...

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It's the 1950s, and four Russians come to Moscow after a long trip...

They check in a hotel; Ivan is trying to sleep, while his three friends start drinking and talking. Ivan asks them to stop several times, but they just ignore him.

Soon, they get really drunk and start telling political jokes; they laugh so noisily after each one that Ivan, really pissed off ...

A Russian doctor complains to his superiors about his work conditions

Ivan later wished he’d got an office on the ground floor.

Russia has identified the first Russian to be diagnosed with coronavirus.

Ivan Chestikoff.

The longest circumcision in history

I had this mate and he used to go on about it his job all the time, you know the type? Work, work, work! Well this was particularly annoying in his case, as he was a professional circumciser.

I said to him one day do you enjoy your work? And off he went...

He said yes it’s a fantasti...

A Russian Doctor invented circumcision

Dr Ivan Karchakokov

An alien was sent to earth to make contact with the human race...

He crash lands in the woods of Siberia. Wandering around, he spots two men sitting by a tree, drinking.He thinks what's the best way to make contact. After a while, he approaches them:

"I am Salurn".

"Pour him some vodka, Ivan. It's quite cold. Let him warm up"

He accepts the dr...

One Soviet citizen asks another...

One Soviet citizen asks another, "Where does Ivan Ivanovich live?"

He replies, "If you mean that Ivan Ivanovich who used to live across the street from the prison, and whose relatives visited from the West, he now lives across the street from his house."

During 1945, 2 Russian pilots crashed their plane

On the radio, their last words were.

“Hey Ivan you always say you want make joke at your dying breath, what is it?” Said the co-pilot.

The pilot turns around

“Nothin’ much, just that we are Stalin’. “

Communist Russia wins the space race

Teacher: Ivan, tell us, who was the first country to land people on the Moon?
Ivan: It was our mother Russia, Comrade!
Teacher: Very good, Ivan! And what did the first Russian cosmonauts find on the Moon?
Ivan: The American flag, Comrade!

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An American and a Soviet die and go to hell...

Satan meets them at the gate.

"Just for fun, I'ma give you two both a choice. You can either go to American or Soviet hell."

"What's the difference, trucker?" asks Arlo Freedom.
"Would they not simply be the 2010s versions of our countries?" entreats Ivan Dmitrovich.

"Not rea...

North Korea

Kim Jong Il and Vladimir Putin are having a summit meeting in Moscow. During a break, they’re bored, and they decide to take a bet to see whose bodyguards are more loyal. Putin is on the 20th floor and calls on his bodyguard Ivan, opens the window, and says: “Ivan, jump!” Sobbing, Ivan says: “Mr. Pr...

Do you like my Russian leader puns?

Ivan practicing.

And if you need to borrow money I'll Lenin to you.

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At the end of the 1930s in a small cell of a Soviet prison

At the end of the 1930s three man share a cell in a Soviet prison awaiting their execution. Sitting silently the whole time the first man wants to break the ice and asks:

"So guys, how did you end up in here?"

The second man replies:

"I'm in here for voting for Ivan Iwanowitsch ...

Soviet Joke

Petja sees Ivan Vasilievich sitting on a rail track. Being tired and wanting to sit he walks up to Ivan and says: Ivan Vasilievich, move over!

'What will communism be like?' Russian joke

One day, as a young man, Ivan asked a member of the Party, "What will it be like once we have built communism?". The Party man replied, "The shops will be full of goods, and we will have no money". Four decades passed, and the Soviet Union fell. After the fall of the USSR, Ivan found himself walking...

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Two Russians were walking through the woods...

And they came across a pile of brownish muck.
"Look like dogshit?" asks Commander Igor.
"Ya! Look like dogshit!" answers Ivan.
"Smell it!" commands Igor. Ivan gets down and takes a whiff.
"Smell like dogshit?" asks Igor.
"Ya! Smells like dogshit!"
"Taste i...

an old Russian man wants to visit a friend in germany

an old Russian man remembers a good friend he had in east Germany, and he decides he should go check up. He doesn't have enough money for a plane, however, so he decides he will drive. The next morning he and his wife get into their car and start driving. Several hours go by on the empty road and af...

I hear Apple have released a line of people movers

They call it Ivan

Regular Russia, not the Soviet one

Ivan and Igor are standing at a bus stop in Russia. It is freezing cold and raining hard. A limo drives by and splashes icy water all over them. Ivan says to Igor, “This is a terrible place to live, I want to go to America.” Igor responses, “Why do think America would be any better.” Ivan stares at ...

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Pavlov's doorbell

One tuesday afternoon Ivan Pavlov is reading the paper, when his neighbour rings the doorbell. Ivan jumps up out of his chair, suddenly remembering: "Shit, I need to feed the dogs!"

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