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Flops Jokes

LeAnn Rimes put out a double CD - one was her greatest hits, and the other was her biggest flops.

It was the best of Rimes, it was the worst of Rimes.

Yo mama's so fat

she went out in high heels and came back in flip flops

My flip-flops keep disappearing all the time

That's why I call one of them Houdini and the other one dad

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Day 284 without sex...

Went jogging in flip flops just to remember the sound

What do you call a socialist wearing flip-flops?

Bernie Sandals.

What does a guy with 2 right feet wear to the beach?

Flop-Flops

Why don't dairy farmers wear flip flops?

Because they lactose.

My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out."

My wife shouted upstairs, "the sun's just come out." I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops and shot down the stairs. I was rather shocked when I got down to find our lad holding hands with his mate Michael.

Last Christmas my parents got me a pair of flip flops with matchbox cars glued to the bottom..

Cheap Skates!

What is it called when a dog has one ear that stands up and one that flops down?

Earectile dysfunction

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The hunter's sandwich

So there's a fly buzzing around above a stream. What the fly doesn't know is that a trout is watching. The trout thinks, "if that fly drops just 2 inches, I'm gonna flop out and get him". The trout doesn't know that there's a bear watching him thinking, "if that trout flops, I'm gonna rush him". The...

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According to my mom this is the first joke I ever told [NSFW text]

It's a warm summer day and an elderly gentleman and his wife are driving down the highway. They are in the midst of a heated argument; his wife has accused him of adultery. Although he is vigilantly defending his honor she is convinced that he has been cheating on her. Back and forth they shout, get...

While sitting on the couch my wife said "I feel like putting on a pair of flip-flops."

Then she changed the channel to the presidential debate.

I was just on my way down to the beach, and my wife asked me if I'd seen her flip-flops.

I hate it when she goes topless.

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There's a Morris Day and the Time double album for sale at my local record store.

It has their greatest hits as well as their biggest flops.

It was the best of Time and the worst of Time.

What shoe can’t make up its mind?

Flip flops

This one was made by my 8 Year Old brother: How did the fish cross the road?

It wore flip FLOPS!

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A man and his new guard dog

A guy and his dog walk into a bar. The guy orders a beer and the dog flops down on the floor and immediately starts licking its butt. "This is my new attack dog," the guy tells the bartender. "He's very dangerous." The bartender looks at the dog that is still flopped down, panting, licking. "He does...

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A little boy goes to the circus for the first time with his mom and dad...

His dad gets up and goes for a piss. While he's gone, one of the elephants rises up and rests his feet on a giant red ball. The little boy sees the elephant's genitals flop down and is shocked.

"Mommy! What's that thing under the elephant, that long hanging thing?"

Embarrassed, the mot...

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I haven't had sex in so long...

I ran across the parking lot in flip flops just so I could remember the sound.

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Day 240 without sex:

Jogged around the house wearing my flip flops so that I could at least hear the sound.

Journal: As of February 5th, 2020...

... It’s been 2173 days since I’ve been with a girl... I had to go jogging in flip-flops yesterday to at least remind myself of the sound…

The Priest & the Drunkard

A man flops down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie is stained, his face is plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin sticks out of his torn coat pocket.

He opens his newspaper and begins reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turns to the priest and ...

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A rich man and a poor man both happen to be looking at birthday cards for their wives...

The rich man and poor man find out their wives share the same birthday.

The rich man proudly boasts what he got his wife for the special occasion.

"I got her a brand new Porsche **and** a diamond necklace. You see, if she doesn't like the car, I'll just give her the necklace! What di...

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Police respond to a disturbance call at a house...

The cop hears loud music blaring inside and pounds on the door. A ten year old boy answers the door wearing flip flops, boxer shorts, and a sport coat There's chocolate smeared all over his face, and he's holding a beer in one hand and a cigar in the other.
Cop asks, "Are your parents home, youn...

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A man and a woman are getting married

Coming from very conservative families, they had been completely chaste, never having even seen each other naked.

The day before their wedding, the woman comes up to her fiancĂŠ and says "Honey, I've got something to tell you. I've been stuffing my bra, I'm actually very flat chested" and the ...

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Three men are marooned on an island...

Three men are marooned on an island desperately seeking a way to get off.
A cannibal approaches them and flops his penis out. 'If the length of your three penises together is as big as mine, then I'll show you how to get off the island. Otherwise you'll be killed and eaten.' The native's nob was...

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A priest walks into a pub

A priest walks into a pub and orders a pint of Guinness. "There you go," says the barman." but I warn you we don't tolerate any religious conversation in this pub." "Far be it from me," replies the priest. "In fact, I bet you a drink that you mention religion before I do." "You're on," says the barm...

What kind of sandals does a person with 2 left feet wear?

Flop flops

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This couple were watching Uri Geller on TV

Uri said:" I want people to put something that is broken or they want mended on top of the TV and with my mind power, I shall fix it".
The guy unzipped his trousers and flops his dick on top of the TV. Wife said:" honey, he's trying to fix things, not raise the dead".

A guy comes home from work,

He flops down in his favorite chair and yells, "Honey! Bring me a beer before it starts!" His wife br8ngs him a beer and he chugs it down. A few minutes later, "Honey, bring me another beer before it starts!" She reluctantly brings him a second beer and he chugs it down. Soon, he yells once more, "H...

What footwear is indecisive?

Flip-flops

A biker pulls up outside a roadside bar in Louisiana after a long day in the saddle.

Stiffly he walks in, gets a beer and sits down.
By his third, he realises some of the locals are looking at him and whispering. The biker walks out and returns a few minutes later with an alligator. He drops it on the floor, drops his pants and flops his tackle in the alligator's mouth. Snap! The...

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My go to joke- Guy sees “piano player wanted” sign window..

So he goes in, says he wants the job. Manager says, “alright, but 1st I gotta see if you’re qualified” So he plays a song and it drops the managers jaw “wow! That was amazing, was that Beethoven??” “No” the man replies “that’s an original. I call it ‘your tits are so big, my eyes are poppin outta my...

Went to see the psychologist.

She asked “Do any sounds irritate you?”
“Real or imaginary?” I inquired.
“Let’s go with imaginary” She said curiously.
“A spider wearing flip flops” I said.

What is Hillary Clintons favorite type of footwear?

flip-flops

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My favorite Christmas joke....

A rich man and a poor man are sitting next to each other at a bar on Christmas Eve. The rich man says "I got my wife a diamond ring and a Lexus for Christmas. That way, if she doesn't like the ring, she can drive her new car to the jewelry store and exchange it." "That's nice." the poor man responds...

There were five distinctive wet little thuds against the garden fence....

That told me mowing the lawn in my flip flops may not have been a great idea.

Super computers are like soccer players

Tons of flops.

I was walking around Taiwan...

I was walking around Taiwan and bought some flip-flops for my feet. I said, “I wonder where these were made.”

I looked under the bottom, it said, “Just around the corner.”

No-Toe Joe was the restaurant's best waiter

Something of a local attraction, he wore flip-flops to show off his signature missing digits. Despite those, however, he was a fast worker, efficient, personable, and a generally great guy. Everyone loved to work with him, and everyone loved being served by him.

Well, almost everyone.

...

A Brit and an Indian walk down the streets of Brussels.

All of a sudden, a large German military plane passes overhead.
The Brit says "Holy cow, what was that!"
The Indian flops down on his hands and knees. "Where's the holy cow?"

Misquoted Intentions

Two friends, a black guy and a white guy, share an apartment. The white guy's watching TV when the black guy, obviously agitated, flops down on the couch.

Black Guy: Man, I wish I could get a girlfriend.

White Guy: Well, you know what Henry Ford said...

Black Guy: What!? That is...

A man goes to his doctor

His doctor says, “your test results came back and I’m afraid I have bad news and worse news”

The guy says, “well I guess give me the worse news first.”

Well, Bob, you have cancer, you only have about a month left to live”

The guy flops into the chair, gutted.

“Oh my god, ...

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