UPJOKE
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Don't Worry Jokes

Doctor: "Don't worry Dave, it's just a small operation"

Patient: "but doc my name's not Dave!"

Doctor: "I know, it's my name"

If your parachute doesn't deploy don't worry..

You have the rest of your life to fix it.

My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry

I'll return.

As I was going under for my eye surgery, I heard my doctor say, "It's just a simple eye surgery. Don't worry. You got this, Jeff."

I just barely managed to say, "I'm David, not Jeff."

He said, "I know. I'm Jeff."

Don't worry if you missed 4/20

Because today is 4/20 too!

I have a phobia of elevators. But, don't worry...

I'm taking steps to avoid them.

I'm in the hospital right now. Don't worry about me, I'll be fine.

But let me just say, the Dyson Ball Cleaner has a very misleading name.

This morning I fell into a giant vat of bleach, but don't worry...

I'm all white!

I like huffing brake fluid, but don't worry:

I can stop any time I like.

Doctor to patient: Don't worry, It's pretty common to get an erection during a rectal examination

Patient: I don't have an erection..
Doctor: But I do.

Surgeon: "don't worry, Micheal. This is but a small surgery"

Patient: "my name is not Micheal. It's Dan".

Surgeon: "I know. My name is Micheal".

*after 500 surgeries.

Patient: "Doctor, I'm really worried. This is my first surgery".

Surgeon Micheal: "Don't worry. This is my 500th surgery".

Patient: "thanks Doctor. Now I know...

If you've ever fretted about the eventual heat death of the universe, don't worry...

Everything's gonna be 0 K

If you don't know what a prefix is, don't worry....

It's not the end of the word.

Don't worry, plenty of more fish in the sea

Except wherever the Chinese fishing fleet has been.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't worry, no matter what your stance is on anal sex..

I'm sure you'll partner will be right behind you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't Worry. The Tides Will Take Care of It.

Upon learning that the captain of the freighter that blocked the Suez Canal was ambivalent about the mess he created, the ship has been re-christened as the *No Fucks Ever Given.*

How do you offend an American?

Don't worry, they'll find something to be offended about.

My friend's a gynecologist and recently went deaf, but don't worry...

He's been reading lips for years

Jewish mothers, right?

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.
She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"
"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your fa...

Hands shaking, voice trembling, I faintly rasped, "Mom, I'm in the hospital, but don't worry, I'm fine."

After a silence that seemed to go on forever, she replied, "You have to stop this. You've been a doctor for 3 years now."

If you forget the rules of Chess don't worry...

... you're allowed to check

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On day six of the Creation, God announced to his archangel underlings, "Today we're creating a place called Canada.

"Today we're creating a place called Canada. Pull out all the stops. Give it beautiful mountains, lakes, plains, forests, and sandy beaches. Underground, give it oil, gold, etc. Oh, and plenty of fish and wildlife."

"Sir," interjected an archangel, "aren't you being overly generous to the...

Don't worry about Steve Bannon

He'll be alt-right

Don't worry about missing a shot after yelling "Kobe"...

He didn't make it either.

Don't worry about straying from your diet today.

It's Tom Brady's cheat day, too.

How can you tell who owns bitcoin at a party?

Don't worry, they'll tell you.

I've lost a third of my weight, but don't worry.

I'm ight.

If you are not in love on Valentine's Day, don't worry.

You don't have to be dead on Halloween, either.

A capitol wioter almost got awested and beaten by the cops today but don't worry

He's all white

Don't worry guys, when we look back on 2020

we'll say it was pretty sick.

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Don't worry about the toilet paper shortage

There are plenty of ass-wipes to go around.

Lenin was on the deathbed, with Stalin sitting by his side...

Lenin says: "Joseph... I'm not sure you're the right man to lead the country after me. I don't know if the people will follow you."

Stalin responds: "Don't worry, Vladimir Ilyich. Half of the country will follow me, and the other half will follow you."

Don't worry guys, the coronavirus won't last long

It's made in China

Don't worry too much about Net Neutrality!

Spending extra dollars to use some websites will give you a "sense of pride and accomplishment"!

Don't worry if you miss 4:20

Just wait 2 minutes as it is 4:22

Don't worry about your smartphone or computer spying on you...

Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years

A giant fly is attacking New York, but don't worry...

The SWAT team is on it.

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Wedding night

Sophia had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian girl living under the watchful eye of her mother, she remained a virgin up until she and her husband took their wedding vows…

On their wedding night, the newlyweds stayed at her mother's house, and Sophia was nervous. Her mother...

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Don't worry; that was an insect.

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect." To which, her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the gro...

Don't worry you're not fat! Come on chin up

Both of them

Don't worry if you don't understand the term "universal predicament".

It's a common problem.

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I lost my penis in an accident and they took me to the hospital.

The doctor said "don't worry we have a range of penises we can surgically attach. We have small, medium and big. They all cost £10,000. I'll leave you to discuss it with your wife" 20 minutes later the doctor comes back in and asks for a decision.
"I've discussed it with my wife and we've decide...

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Dr. Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it he just couldn't. The guilt was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he would hear in internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Dave don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to have sex with one of his patients and you won't be the last. Just let It go Dave."
But invariably another voice in his head would b...

I parked my car outside parliament. "Sir, you can't park here," said a cop. "This is where our politicians work."

"Don't worry, I've locked it."

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My favorite burn I've gotten for being trans

I was born female and transitioned to male. Early on in my transition, my gf and I were playing a video game, and I called her a noob when she died.

Her: Yeah okay Pinocchio.

Me: Pinocchio?

Her: You know... "I want to be a real boy!"

Edit: thanks for all the support and a...

Don't worry if you have been cheating on your taxes.

It'll be fine.

I donated $10 to Bernie's campaign

Don't worry ladies, I also donated $7.80 to Hilary.

My wife was in labour and started shouting "Wouldn't, couldn't, shouldn't, didn't, can't!"

"Don't worry" said the midwife "they're just contractions"

Don't worry, there are experts who are trained to deal with the coronavirus.

We call them coroners.

This girl ran up to me at the cemetery and said "I need to pass through the cemetery but I'm scared to walk alone. Can you walk with me across?"

I said "Oh yeah of course. Don't worry, I used to be super scared of cemeteries when I was alive too."

I was watching the women's volleyball. 2 minuets in there was a wrist injury

Don't worry though I'm alright now

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"So, I guess you've never been with a prostitute before then." She said.

I replied "Well, No, but how can you tell?"

She said "Look, don't worry about it, just take the pound coins out my vagina and we'll start again."

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This is my absolute favorite "so bad it's good" joke

A man went to the doctor with a horrible itch in his ass. After an examination, the doctor gave him his diagnosis:

\- You have an enormous tapeworm in there. This is not a matter of normal treatment, so my advice to you is to insert a boiled egg in your anus followed by a gummy bear. Call me ...

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A woman pregnant with triplets walks into a bank.

Suddenly, armed men storm in and try to rob the bank. A shootout occurs and the woman is hit by bullets several times.

Shortly after, the woman is brought to the hospital and gets emergency surgery. The surgeon is able to remove all bullets except three due to endangerment to the triplets. ...

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Don't worry, it's not sexist!

I'm half woman on my mothers side.

Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac,

You can always take something for it.

I'm running a low fever and have a slight, dry cough. But don't worry

It's just Corona Lite.

Don't worry if you ever forget how to throw a boomerang...

it'll come back to you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lots of people are upset that R. Kelly posted bail, don't worry though

It's better to be pissed off than pissed on.

I don't worry about Friday the 13th.

It's bad luck to be superstitious.

Don't worry, God will save me...

Said the man to the policeman.
"Suit yourself," the cop said, "it's the apocalypse."
A little while later, a bus comes up to the man.
"Get in, we'll save you!"
"Don't worry," the man said, "God will save me."
"Suit yourself," they said, "it's the apocalypse."
The man went up ...

My bride stood up in front of everyone. She said, "I would like to make a speech, but don't worry I'm not going to bore you with a long one," to which I smiled.

Until she added: "Instead I'll talk about the groom's good traits."

One of my friends stood up. "So, you won't be mentioning his taste in women?"

Are you single too? Don't worry, you're not alone.

(deleted) -- mass edited with https://redact.dev/

I don't worry about my friend whose fiancee left him at the altar

I know he wants to hang himself, but he can't tie the knot.

Don't worry about losing health care under the Trump administration

We won't need it after the EPA starts restricting oxygen

The other day I was really stuck in a jam, don't worry though...

I preservered.

If you're feeling lonely tonight, don't worry. Just watch a horror movie.

You won't be feeling lonely for long...

My wife said, don't worry "I'm just windowshopping" while on zalando, amazon and aliexpress.

Guess what I said when she caught me browsing Tinder?

Two IT workers get married...

At Thanksgiving, their family asks them, "When are you going to have children?"

Couple: "Don't worry, we are working on it. ;)"

Next Thanksgiving, the couple still don't have children and their family asks, "Is there a problem? I thought you were planning to have children?"

Coup...

2 deer are talking together when another animal comes by, the animal says "don't worry, I'm not going to eat you", so one of the deer responded saying:

"He's lion"

An assortment of GoT puns (don't worry, no spoilers)

Note: I have not seen a single episode of GoT, nor have I read the books. All my knowledge is based off of what I hear in the news. Feel free to insert your "OP knows as much as Jon Snow" joke here.

So, here goes:

What should George R.R. Martin have called the Night's Watch? The Snow P...

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Pilot says to the passengers on a 747 Jumbo Jet one of the engines has failed but don't worry it only adds quarter of hour to the journey then a second and third engine fail Captain says don't worry it will only add another hour and half to the journey, Paddy says:

Fucking hell if the fourth engine fails, we could be up here all day...

A pirate goes to the dermatologist.

A pirate goes to the dermatologist to check the red bumps on his arm.

The dermatologist looks at them, and says "Don't worry, they're benign."

The pirate says, "Arrr! I counted them meself, and there be eleven of 'em!"

My daughter asked if I am going to die someday...

I said "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."

An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911)

"I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!"...

My wife complained about the fireworks that went on until midnight on the 3rd, I told her it was just a little fourth-play.

This just happened and she looked over and told me it was the first actually funny thing I had said in a couple of years so I thought I would post it. I'm sure someone somewhere has said this before but damnit let me relish in this moment.


Bonus, before that the last funny thing I said w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm sexually attracted to metal boxes with locking systems.

But don't worry. It's safe sex.

A wife asks her husband if she were to die, would he remarry?...

...and her husband says "yes I would remarry I like living a married life and spending time with someone else. The wife gets uncomfortable and proceeds to ask " well would you let her live in our house?" And the husband says "yes I'd let her live here there's nothing wrong with this house." That wor...

An original joke walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Welcome to /r/Jokes! I don't think I've seen you here before." Original joke replies...

"Don't worry. Within a week or two, I'll be a regular here!"

4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.

The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.

The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things...

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't ...

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Don't worry, anyone who doesn't take action in protecting net neutrality will get FREE sex when this blows over!

Specifically, you'll get fucked by Comcast and Verizon.

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain. “Please doctor you’ve got to help me. I’ve been stung by a bee.”

"Don't worry;" says the doctor, "I'll put some cream on it."

"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor, "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

"Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house."
<...

A rich businessman is dying and his friend comes for a last visit.

"Fred...", whispers the businessman, "I have to tell you something..."

"What is it, John? You can tell me everything.", says Fred.

"You know, that trade we were making with the Italians, the package we were delivering; Fred, I didn't deliver it, I kept it for myself... I kept 500 dolla...

I was getting a prostate exam and the doctor said "don't worry, it's perfectly normal to get an erection"

I just wish he'd put his pants back on

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Little Johnny went to his first rodeo with his mom and dad...

Dad went off to buy a beer, and little Johnny happened to spy the bull's cock flopping around beneath his belly.

"Mommy, mommy! What's that long thing beneath the bull's belly!?" Johnny asks, pointing.

Embarrassed, his mom looks away and mutters, "Oh, don't worry about that, Johnny. T...

I visited a doctor about my low libido, and he said don't worry I will help you

According to my neighbor, the doctor came to my place and mowed my lawn when I was at work, What a nice guy.

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Cheating

A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's friend, when all of a sudden the telephone rings, she answers. After hanging up she says, ''That was Harry, but don't worry, he won't be home for a while. He's playing cards with you.''

A young man wanted to marry

A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married. His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was, and he told him that it was Samantha a girl from the neighborhood.

With a sad face the old man said to his son, "I'm sorry to say this son but I h...

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A blonde boards a plane, flying economy...

Once the plane has taken off, and the seatbelt signs have turned off, she gets up, takes her stuff, and moves a few rows forward to an unoccupied first class seat.

One of the cabin crew approaches her, and politely says "excuse me madame, but you can't sit here. This is a first class seat, an...

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage.

(Disclaimer: I believe this is OC because I heard it in Cantonese and I've translated it, so also, apologies for bad English)

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in it hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other,...

A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat..

Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're a handsome fellow." The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer. The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You're a smart man." Starting to freak out, the guy say...

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Little Johnny's mother was upset about her son's swearing habit, so she takes him to the church.

There, the priest is waiting. After finishing her own confessions, Little Johnny's mother talks about her situation.

"I don't know what to do with my son anymore, Father," she says. "He started a while ago to say swear words, and now he is saying one in every sentence."

"Why, I have ju...

Recently a man was cooled down to absolute zero

Don't worry, he's 0K

Lawyer joke

There is a trucker who hates lawyers so much he always runs them over with his truck whenever he sees one. One day he sees a priest hitchhiking and decides to give a ride to the holy man. As they go along the road, the trucker spots a lawyer by the side of the road and steers to run him over. At the...

After each battle, Napoleon would walk down and shake the hands of all his soldiers

Each time, he would ask them the same three questions:

How old are you?
How long have you been serving in the army?
Which of the two battles have you fought in?

One time, a new, foreign soldier did not know French and was worried about what to say to Napoleon when it was his turn...

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

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A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?"

The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano.
...

2 guys were eating breakfast together

"Do you want some of my bacon?"

"No thanks I'm Jewish"

"Don't worry it's free"

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When girls find out I have a small penis they all say the same thing. "Don't worry about it, size isn't important.

I wouldn't fuck you even if you had a huge dick."

Two little boys stole a big bag of oranges from a neighbor...

They decided to go to a quiet place to share the lot equally.

One of them suggested the nearby cemetery.

As they were jumping over the gate to enter the cemetery, two oranges fell out of the big bag but they didn't bother to pick them up.

A few minutes later, a drunkard on his w...

After many years of not going to church an elderly lady decides to go to her local service.

Although very poor and with worn-out clothing, she dressed in her best and headed out. As she approached the church, she saw all the people dressed in such splendor. Not a stain, not a rip or tear on any of their clothes. The preacher and deacons stood and welcomed people as they entered.

She...

My girlfriends nervous about giving birth. I said don't worry, women have been doing it for over 100,000 years..

.. Or in the case of Republicans, women have been doing it for 6,000 years or less

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of al...

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