I hate breakups.

Especially when they try to let you down gently.
"It's not you, it's me" "I just need some space" "We can still be cousins".

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After my breakup I talked to my ex one last time and said: “Do you know what’s been the best thing since I left you, it’s-”

“Oh, I know. You’ve been out shagging anything that moves!” she said. “Sowing your wild oats, getting your prick into anything with a pulse. I know exactly what you’re all about!”

“-it’s that I’ve actually been able to finish a fucking sentence without being interrupted.”

I remember the day my Ex sent me a breakup text, my mom asked me what I was reading.

I told her:

''Tips to cook delicious food.”

And then she asked me why I was crying. I answered:

"I have reached where they are cutting onions."

During our breakup, my ex said that my ego was way too big

But I think it’s one of the things that makes me so great

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What does a Dalek call breakup sex?

<<<EX-PENETRATE>>>

What does the sniper say to his gf after a breakup?

I won't miss you.

Why did the lizards breakup?

Because he had ereptile dysfunction.

Why did the physics teacher breakup with the biology teacher ?

There was no chemistry

My first breakup was in grade two...

She left me for the guy with a new pencil.

After my breakup I moved into a new place and bought a dalmatian. Every day I took that dog for a walk past our old place and, day after day, I trained him to pee in her flowerbed and take a dump on her lawn. . .

It was a classic case of Spot Marks the Ex!

Breakups are the best excuse.

Your friends want to go out to that restaurant you hate?

Just look sad and say: “My girlfriend and I used to love going there...”

Boom, nobody wants to go anymore. Pity works wonders.

Your boss asks you at stay late Friday night?

Look sad and say: “My girlfriend and I use...

I had to breakup with my girlfriend

After she lost her toes in a climbing accident.

Afterall I am lac-toes intolerant.

Why should you never breakup with a goalie?

Because he’s a keeper.

Breakups in China are the worst

You see her face everywhere.

What does the Earth do after a bad breakup?

Gets drunk off its axis.

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Mr. Johnson walks into a doctor's office and says to the doctor, "My penis has turned orange."

The doctor asks to see his penis, and sure enough, Mr. Johnson's penis is as orange as a carrot.

"What's wrong with my penis?" asks Mr. Johnson.

"When someone's penis turns a strange colour," says the doctor, "it's usually because of stress. Have you lost your job recently?"

"Y...

Why do night owls enjoy breakups?

There ain't no sunshine when she's gone.

My on and off Lego girlfriend

and I have been going strong for a while now.

But the last breakup we had, I was left alone to pick up the pieces.

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*After Breakup due to commitment issues*

Girlfriend : You're an unreliable pathetic fuck. I'm leaving! Bye!
Me : Can't say adieu.

Why do Bookworms breakup ?

Because they are not on the same page.

Why did the square breakup with the circle?

She wasn't edgy enough!

A banker friend of mine had a breakup recently

He lost interest.

I just had a breakup for being honest

GF: You know to day is Valentines Day right?

ME: mmm...yeah, so?

GF: Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous.

ME: Well, that explains why they've received flowers doesn't it?

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Disney Breakup

Mickey and Minnie have been having problems for some time now. After hearing of Barbie and Ken's breakup, they too decide to call it quits. Donald goes to Mickey to console him and says, "She's been a problem since day one. I'm glad you finally saw that she's crazy." Mickey looks at Donald and repli...

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What's the worst part about dating a Japanese girl?

The breakup: You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

Britain will be just fine...

you always lose a few Pounds after a breakup.

Dual Heart Attack Message By A Girl.

1st Message: “Let’s Breakup Now, Its All Over”

2nd Message: “Sorry-Sorry, That Was Not For You“

Apparently the Brexit is inspiring other countries to hold their own referenda, and could lead to the breakup of the EU.

Could this be The Final Countdown for Europe?

Scientists- Only a tiny percentage of universe is observable, the rest is beyond our reach.

Women after Breakup - I've seen it all.

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A businessman stops at a farm for the night

During a long road trip, a businessman spots a farm with a sign out front advertising rooms to rent for the night. The businessman decides to stop for the night.

The farmer shows the man to his room and says "I hope you don't mind getting up early, as I have three roosters who all crow about ...

Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?

Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.

A pretty Killer joke.

In high school I had two girlfriends. The first was a nice girl with a twin brother who I dated for a couple weeks starting on Valentines day, before "it wasn't working out". She was as gorgeous as her brother was handsome, and they could have anybody they wanted, so I was more shocked when she agre...

A Man With One Wish

There was once a man named Benny. Benny was old, tired, and most of all sad. He had no friends, no family, and worked the worst job. The only thing he ever looked forward to was seeing his beautiful neighbor on his way home from work, Jenny.

One day after coming home from work he say a stran...

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