UPJOKE
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Breakup Jokes

What does the sniper say to his gf after a breakup?

I won't miss you.

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After my breakup I talked to my ex one last time and said: “Do you know what’s been the best thing since I left you, it’s-”

“Oh, I know. You’ve been out shagging anything that moves!” she said. “Sowing your wild oats, getting your prick into anything with a pulse. I know exactly what you’re all about!”

“-it’s that I’ve actually been able to finish a fucking sentence without being interrupted.”

Why did the lizards breakup?

Because he had ereptile dysfunction.

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Mr. Johnson walks into a doctor's office and says to the doctor, "My penis has turned orange."

The doctor asks to see his penis, and sure enough, Mr. Johnson's penis is as orange as a carrot.

"What's wrong with my penis?" asks Mr. Johnson.

"When someone's penis turns a strange colour," says the doctor, "it's usually because of stress. Have you lost your job recently?"

"Y...

I remember the day my Ex sent me a breakup text, my mom asked me what I was reading.

I told her:

''Tips to cook delicious food.”

And then she asked me why I was crying. I answered:

"I have reached where they are cutting onions."

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A breakup!!

A couple was going through a rough breakup. The guy was asking the girl to return all the gifts/things/whatever he gave the girl. The girl returned them all.

In the end he says "what about the blood I gave you in hospital during your accident?"

She throws a tampon at his face and says ...

Why should you never breakup with a goalie?

Because he’s a keeper.

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Bad breakups are like a successful visit to the toilet.

You look back and think “What a piece of shit!”

A friend of mine was telling me about the time his wife tried to leave him by writing a breakup letter after he came home late again.

She left a note, saying, "I've had enough and have left you. Don't bother coming after me."

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, my buddy comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him wa...

I hate breakups...

Especially when they try to let you down gently.
"It's not you, it's me"

"I just need some space"

"We can still be siblings".

Why did the physics teacher breakup with the biology teacher ?

There was no chemistry

What does an AI do after a breakup?

Machine Yearning

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What does a Dalek call breakup sex?

<<<EX-PENETRATE>>>

At a Diplomats' dinner, a waiter tripped and shattered the beautiful plate in which he was carrying a large turkey.

Hushed silence turned into a roar of  laughter, when the quick-witted Diplomat  announced:


"Gentlemen ! 

You have just witnessed 4 major international events happening :-


Fall of Turkey

Breakup of China

Spillage of Greece 

 and

Frustration of ...

My on and off Lego girlfriend

and I have been going strong for a while now.

But the last breakup we had, I was left alone to pick up the pieces.

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What's the worst part about dating a Japanese girl?

The breakup: You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

I had to breakup with my girlfriend

After she lost her toes in a climbing accident.

Afterall I am lac-toes intolerant.

My first breakup was in grade two...

She left me for the guy with a new pencil.

Breakups in China are the worst

You see her face everywhere.

After my breakup I moved into a new place and bought a dalmatian. Every day I took that dog for a walk past our old place and, day after day, I trained him to pee in her flowerbed and take a dump on her lawn. . .

It was a classic case of Spot Marks the Ex!

Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?

Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.

Dual Heart Attack Message By A Girl.

1st Message: “Let’s Breakup Now, Its All Over”

2nd Message: “Sorry-Sorry, That Was Not For You“

Scientists- Only a tiny percentage of universe is observable, the rest is beyond our reach.

Women after Breakup - I've seen it all.

Why did the square breakup with the circle?

She wasn't edgy enough!

What does the Earth do after a bad breakup?

Gets drunk off its axis.

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*After Breakup due to commitment issues*

Girlfriend : You're an unreliable pathetic fuck. I'm leaving! Bye!
Me : Can't say adieu.

A Man With One Wish

There was once a man named Benny. Benny was old, tired, and most of all sad. He had no friends, no family, and worked the worst job. The only thing he ever looked forward to was seeing his beautiful neighbor on his way home from work, Jenny.

One day after coming home from work he say a stran...

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A businessman stops at a farm for the night

During a long road trip, a businessman spots a farm with a sign out front advertising rooms to rent for the night. The businessman decides to stop for the night.

The farmer shows the man to his room and says "I hope you don't mind getting up early, as I have three roosters who all crow about ...

Why do Bookworms breakup ?

Because they are not on the same page.

I just had a breakup for being honest

GF: You know to day is Valentines Day right?

ME: mmm...yeah, so?

GF: Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous.

ME: Well, that explains why they've received flowers doesn't it?

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Disney Breakup

Mickey and Minnie have been having problems for some time now. After hearing of Barbie and Ken's breakup, they too decide to call it quits. Donald goes to Mickey to console him and says, "She's been a problem since day one. I'm glad you finally saw that she's crazy." Mickey looks at Donald and repli...

Why do night owls enjoy breakups?

There ain't no sunshine when she's gone.

For men, having a bad breakup is like going through menopause.

It sucks until you realize you don't have anymore girl problems.

A banker friend of mine had a breakup recently

He lost interest.

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