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Issued Jokes

David Byrne gets elected US President. His first official act is to ban the penny. He issued an executive order to...

Stop making cents.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Long ago, a king issued a challenge to see who can first cross a crocodile-infested river.

On the day of the challenge, the participants were shocked to see how dangerous the river actually was. Crocodile backs were visible nearly every part of the river and the width of the river seemed to stretch miles away to the other bank.

The king, eager to see some violent gory entertainment...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A publishing company is under fire for their headline "Half of Senate Are Fucking Idiots." So they issued a correction the next day

"Half of Senate Are Not Fucking Idiots."

The FDA has issued guidelines on animal testing

All companies testing on rats are encouraged to switch to lawyers, for the following reasons:

1. They are easier to breed

2. Nobody cares what happens to them

3. There are some things rats just won't do

My company issued us new ladders.

They were cheaply made and barely supported 100lb of weight, but when I posted a picture to Reddit it got taken down by the mods.

I forgot to mark it as NSFW.

Why are all boats issued with rubber toilet seats?

Because loo slips sink ships.

ISIS has issued a travel warning to terrorists

The terrorist group has urged supporters to avoid “the land of the epidemic”.

Meanwhile in Britain, Ariana Grande concert tickets are selling out a lot faster.

I’ve been issued Community Service..

I was assigned the “Recycling Program”. I figured I’d start here since there’s a lot of reused content which would reduce my searching.

When an unpopular President completed his presidency, he wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it.

He stressed that it should be of international quality. The stamps were duly released and the former President was pleased. But within a couple of days of the release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he was furious. So he ordered an investigatio...

British archaeologists have issued an exciting new Brexit update today.

By digging 96 feet below the Westminster.

The PM of Canada issued the building of a dam

The dam was finished and started working, giving the people much needed electricity. Years passed, and the PM eventually got a pet deer which he named Frenklie. When a privatisation wave had recently hit his country, the deer asked him why he wasn't giving the dam for privatisation as well. The deer...

What do you call a shipment full of military issued t-rexes?

small arms

The president issued a statement that...

he could no longer pull back his foreskin but he later retracted it.

Eyyyy bb, were you issued a Senegalese skydiver's certification?

Because you got permission to jump in Dakar.

As the United States reopens, the federal government has issued a rapid coronavirus test that’s just 25 cents.

Heads is positive. Tails is negative.

Police issued a warning of an escape criminal who is a mime

The police also said that the criminal have done unspeakable things

A boy from the backcountry was drafted into the Army.

On the first day, they issued him a comb. Later that day, the barber shaved his head.

The next day, they issued him a toothbrush. Later that day, the dentist pulled three of his teeth.

The next day, they issued him a jockstrap.

He has been AWOL ever since.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Jewish Samurai

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai. So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief.

A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

today in the UK the MET office issued a yellow weather warning for impending snow...

... really just taking the piss there aren't they.

yesterday, Judge Thompson issued the longest sentence in the Supreme Court's history,

needless to say, it was run-on.

What's the difference between how flour is sifted, a parking citation issued to the leader of the Confederate army and 45% of this nation's pets?

One is generally fine, one is a General Lee fine, and one is generally feline.

After a flood of forged financial documents from a small eastern european country, an urgent warning was issued by banks worldwide

CHECK CZECH CHEQUES

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