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Long ago, a king issued a challenge to see who can first cross a crocodile-infested river.

On the day of the challenge, the participants were shocked to see how dangerous the river actually was. Crocodile backs were visible nearly every part of the river and the width of the river seemed to stretch miles away to the other bank.

The king, eager to see some violent gory entertainment...

When an unpopular President completed his presidency, he wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it.

He stressed that it should be of international quality. The stamps were duly released and the former President was pleased. But within a couple of days of the release of the stamp, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he was furious. So he ordered an investigatio...

A world wide law for sailors

A new world wide law is issued for all the sailors in the world: they need to go and get all the children they conceived outside their marriage.

Stan, a sailor from San Francisco, came out to his wife and told her that besides the three children they had together, he has three more around the...

The FDA has issued guidelines on animal testing

All companies testing on rats are encouraged to switch to lawyers, for the following reasons:

1. They are easier to breed

2. Nobody cares what happens to them

3. There are some things rats just won't do

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A classic joke from my childhood.

There is the private in the army. On the day before he was about to be sent to the front lines, he has to visit the quartermasters and get issued his weapons.

Unfortunately, he overslept and ended up being very last in line. When he finally made it to the desk, the gun master regretted to inf...

An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad.

Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died.

Until then, she’d never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued.
“You must take the loyalty oa...

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If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...



This is an old joke and sadly some of this has come to pass.



If General Motors Built Cars like Microsoft...

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: "If GM had kept up with technology li...

As the United States reopens, the federal government has issued a rapid coronavirus test that’s just 25 cents.

Heads is positive. Tails is negative.

What do you call a shipment full of military issued t-rexes?

small arms

A Pakistani cleric issued a new fatwa that orders you to stay in your homes and study the scriptures.

As expected, they're calling it the *Quran*tine.

ISIS has issued a travel warning to terrorists

The terrorist group has urged supporters to avoid “the land of the epidemic”.

Meanwhile in Britain, Ariana Grande concert tickets are selling out a lot faster.

Why are all boats issued with rubber toilet seats?

Because loo slips sink ships.

The PM of Canada issued the building of a dam

The dam was finished and started working, giving the people much needed electricity. Years passed, and the PM eventually got a pet deer which he named Frenklie. When a privatisation wave had recently hit his country, the deer asked him why he wasn't giving the dam for privatisation as well. The deer...

My company issued us new ladders.

They were cheaply made and barely supported 100lb of weight, but when I posted a picture to Reddit it got taken down by the mods.

I forgot to mark it as NSFW.

What's the difference between how flour is sifted, a parking citation issued to the leader of the Confederate army and 45% of this nation's pets?

One is generally fine, one is a General Lee fine, and one is generally feline.

I’ve been issued Community Service..

I was assigned the “Recycling Program”. I figured I’d start here since there’s a lot of reused content which would reduce my searching.

How would you describe an annoyed mother giving birth?

She's having a minor issued.

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Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

Peggy Johnson was suing her neighbor, Dave, for harassment after he kept calling her "pig."

The two were fighting over their backyard borders, and so Dave took up to calling her a "pig." Peggy took him to court and sued him for harassment. The judge wanted to settle this immediately and issued an order for Dave to stop calling Peggy a "pig."

"Dave, I'm giving you a chance to walk aw...

Police issued a warning of an escape criminal who is a mime

The police also said that the criminal have done unspeakable things

In the time of the Holy Roman Empire

There was a chronic shortage of hay with which to feed the Army's horses. So much so that the Emperor issued a mandate that restricted its use, even going as far as cutting in half the width of all brooms.

This became standard use and over time no one questioned it. With the exception of lowl...

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