UPJOKE
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An invisible man married an invisible woman...

Their kids were nothing to look at

What’s red and invisible?

No tomatoes.

how did the doctor cure the invisible man? [OC]

by taking him to the I C U

When I was in high school I wished that could be invisible so that I could sneak in the girls locker room.

Now I’m married And a beautiful woman takes her clothes off in front me and pretends I’m invisible every day!

What's invisible and smells like carrots?

Bunny farts!

What did the kid say when he saw the invisible man pee?

Urine visible!

My friend has designed an invisible aeroplane.

I can't see it taking off.

My wife ran into the room suddenly and yelled: “Quick! Do you know of anything physical that gives off no smells? Zero. Sort of like an olfactory camouflage that would be utterly invisible to the nose?”

Confused, I thought for a moment, and then replied: “What you are describing makes absolutely no scents”

What do you call a parent-teacher conference where the teacher is invisible?

a transparent teacher conference.

Lately I've been feeling a little invisible and have decided that to get noticed, I will have my legs removed and replaced with a horse's body...

...That way, wherever I go, I will be the centaur of attention.

My son today accidentally drank invisible ink.

I'm sat with him in the emergency room waiting to be seen.

what do you call an invisible protocol droid?

C-through-PO

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible.

After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Barack says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I ...

I’ve spent my whole life searching for an invisible dolphin.

But now I don’t see the porpoise.

What do you call an army of invisible people?

Notsees.

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Imaginary Friend.

I once had an invisible friend from Japan.

My mom said it was just my "imagine Asian.."

Courtesy of my kid when she was seven: what’s invisible and smells like bananas?

Monkey farts

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The emperor of Persia wanted the best bodyguard in the world.

So he sent messengers throughout all the lands on the globe encouraging the nations to send their best warriors to come to his palace and compete for this prestigious title. After weeks of intense competition, the candidate pool was reduced to the last three competitors. Each had earned the honor o...

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Joe, Chris, and Adam go on a weekend hunting trip

As they are all sitting around the fire telling tall tales, cleaning their guns, and celebrating their successes, Joe suddenly finds himself overwhelmed by nature's call and strikes off into the woods to relieve himself.

Chris and Adam talk about everything and nothing and how their families...

He turned invisible!

Three friends are at the pub, telling stories to each other.

"... I swear Frank, I turned around and suddenly I couldn't see it anymore. It must have turned invisible. Invisible, I tell you."

" Or it just got away? Maybe it fell?"

"Invisible! INVISIBLE, I TELL YOU! It was as inv...

I’ve never understood the idea of invisible planes.

I just can’t see them taking off.

Bob the Builder dies and goes to heaven

But on the way he's kidnapped by Satan and dragged down to Hell. After a while, God realises Bob is missing and phones Satan to complain.

"Well," says Satan "he's doing a couple of little jobs for me. Just a bit of decorating. Then I'll send him up to you."

Time passes. Still no sign o...

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Superman is flying over Metropolis

And is feeling horny af. Suddenly, he sees Wonder Woman stark naked sunbathing on the roof of the Justice League HQ.

He thinks to himself "I'm Superman, right? Faster than a speeding bullet. I can fly down there and have my way with Wonder Woman and be away before she even realises..."
<...

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Bored Superman

One day Superman is flying around looking for crime. Lex Luther is locked up along with all the other villains so not much is going on. Superman sees Batman crouched next to a gargoyle on a building so stops by to see what's up. "Hey Batman what's good wanna do something?" Batman answers gruffly, "I...

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What's invisible and smells like carrots?

Rabbit Farts..

My 7 yr. old neice told me this the other day, and I bout lost my shit..lolol

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?

He couldn't see himself doing it.

Why is the Invisible Man the worst lawyer?

He can never appear in court.

I’m in the Emergency Dept at the hospital because I swallowed invisible ink.

I’m waiting for someone to see me.

Did you hear about the author who writes using invisible ink?

Here's a list of his books:

Why did the police officer refuse to try and catch the invisible thief?

Because he didn't think he could see it through.

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Superman is out flying and sees wonder woman naked on a rooftop with her legs wide open and moaning in delight

He thinks to himself that as he is faster than a speeding bullet he can do his business with her and fly off before she knows it. He toys with the idea and decides to go for it. He swoops down fucks her with lightning thrusts and zooms off in a flash. The whole event lasts less than a second. As soo...

The nurse tells the doctor that there’s an invisible man in the waiting room

The doctor replies:

-Tell him I can't see him right now

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My friend just asked me, "If you became invisible, what would you do first?"

I said, "I'd go to Paris, find a performing street mime and beat the shit out of him; the round of applause he'd get would be astounding."

If I was invisible for the day

I’d kick a mime to death

"Gravity: noun. 1. The invisible force that pulls objects to celestial bodies."

"That's very nice, Elphaba. But I said try _defying_ gravity."

Invisible Cow

How can you make a cow invisible?

Camooflage

I’m a librarian so I put out a display of invisible books on April Fools day.

But my patrons saw right through it.

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Me to my therapist: I feel like I'm invisible to people.

Therapist: Who said that?

I was going to buy an invisible sword...

But I don't see the point.

My dad dressed up as The Invisible Man today

He's had the costume on for the last 20 years

What's the invisible woman favorite font??

________________________________________________________________

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The joke store

A guy gets a job at a practical joke store.

To help him learn the ropes, the proprietor has him spend the first week just sorting through all the different practical jokes they sell, learning what they do and making sure everything's correctly labelled and organised. And what a variety! They'...

A man walks into the doctor's office and tells the receptionist: "Help! I think I'm invisible!"

She replies: "Sorry, the doctor can't see you."

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So the invisible man masturbated the other day

No one saw him coming.

Invisible

Why is the word invisible visible when you spell it that way, but not when you spell it as

When a woman is dating the Invisible Man,

can she really say she's seeing someone?

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The old king was suspicious of the young queen cheating on him.

So, with the help of a witch, he placed an invisible blade in the Queen's Hoo-Haw.

3 days later, the King summoned all the men he suspected and ordered them to take of their pants.

To the King's surprise, he found that all their penises had cuts in them from the blade, except for th...

I've done it... I've figured out how to turn invisible!

Hi! Do you have five minutes to help save the children?

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Did you hear about the guy who turns invisible when he masturbates?

I never saw him coming

Invisible...

A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."

The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."

The Invisible Man has a warrant out for his arrest.

The charge is "Failure to appear".

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Superman is flying across town when

He spots Wonder Woman laying on a roof top naked. All exposed soaking up the sun. He thinks to himself, "I'm Superman. I'm faster than a speeding bullet. I could swish down there, do a few pumps and be out before ya know it!"

So, Superman swoops down, pumps out at Mach III and is gone jus...

"Doctor, doctor, I'm invisible! You need to check me out, I need help!"

"Well I'm sorry but I can't see you right now, please come back some other time".

If you were invisible...

You could have a perfectly normal relationship with a blind person.

My friends always told me I'd never figure out how to be invisible.

If only they could see me now.

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What did the porn star say to her coworker, The Invisible Man?

"Well... I did not see that coming."

sorry if it's a repost, but I've never seen it and I gave myself a chuckle coming up with it.

Invisible man found dead in his apt.

Where do we draw the line?

The invisible man, the wolf man, and Dracula played poker.

They tried to get the mummy to play but he had no skin in the game.

The invisible man tried to bluff but people saw right through him.

Dracula ended up bleeding them dry, leaving the wolf man howling mad.

My mate has invented an invisible vehicle (OC)

I asked him 'What, like a car?'

'Not really' he replied 'It's more van-ish than that'

Why did the blond girl became the Invisible Woman?

Because she has to be dense enough for light to bend around her

What would you get if you crossed a football player and the Invisible Man?

Football like no one has ever seen.

Why is there no Wi-Fi in church?

Because they don't want to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

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A college student was driving through rural Scotland on holiday

When he came across an old stone pub that must have been several hundred years old. He thought to himself that this could be an opportunity to sample some of the local ale, so he parked and headed inside.

When he opened the door, however, the bar was empty except for one old bartender polish...

They say invisible ink is making a comeback

I can't see it happening

Invisible calendars...

... that's something you don't see every day.

Scientists have discovered a way to make dolphins nearly invisible to the human eye.

I don’t really see the porpoise.

Today I tried to pick up a girl by telling her I was invisible.

She saw right through me.

My biology teacher asked me to make a diagram of bacteria.

When he questioned why I submitted a blank piece of paper, I told him : "it only appears blank because its invisible to the naked eye"

I ran into a salesman offering me a pencil with invisible lead.

I almost bought it, but I couldn't really see the point.

after the invisible man had kids he became a cross dresser. You could say he was a...

trans parent

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Did you hear about The Incredible Hulk taking Viagra!?

NSFW:

I figure, since the same jokes are on repeat in this Reddit, again and again, I would throw out a freshly created one.

Apparently, now that the Hulk has been taking Viagra, his catch phrase has become:

"Don't make me horny. You wouldn't like me when I'm horny", whe...

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Ever heard the one about Superman, Wonder Woman and the Invisible Man?

Superman is flying around one day when he spots Wonder Woman laying on the beach butt naked. He thinks to himself "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I could fly down there, take care of my business and be gone before she can blink an eye". So he swoops in, does his thing and disappears into the sky...

What's the difference between an invisible boy and an invisible girl?

I don't know. I can't really see it.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people.

Others have no imagination whatsoever.

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

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