UPJOKE

### Girls who talks about girls' problems are great.

But girls who talk about environmental problems are Greta.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### God is creating the world, and he talks to the canadians

He says to them “You will have the best land ever. It is beautiful, in the summer it is warm and in the winter it snows beautiful snow flakes. It is called Canada. You will have prosperity and food for all your days.”

He then gets the Australians, and says to them “I give to you Australia. Yo...

### Time traveler talks to a mathematician

The time traveler says, "Hello, in my grad school I have learned that it is impossible for any number which is a power greater than the second to be written as the sum of two like powers such as x^n + y^n = z^n for n > 2."

"Show me how you proved it," the mathematician says.

"Indeed...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### If a man talks dirty to a woman, that’s sexual harassment. If a woman talks dirty to a man….

…that’s \$7 a minute.

### A Man talks to a Lawyer

A man talks to a lawyer and says "My wife wants to divorce me."

"On what grounds?" The lawyer asks.

"On any ground where she can get a judge to okay it." The man responded.

The lawyer tries again with "I mean does she have any ground for the divorce?"

"Yeah she owns half ...

### A girl come home from kindergarten and talks to mom:

\- Mommy, our teacher never saw a horse in her life!

\- Why do you say that, sweetie?

\- I drew a horse in class, and she didn't know what it is.

### An old man talks with a friend

\- You know, I think my wife is beginning to become deaf, but I'm not sure. Are there tests that can be done before going to the doctor?
\- Yes there is, says his friend. You could measure the maximum distance at which she can hear you.

The man goes home and find his wife in the k...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A patient talks to his therapist after a suicide attempt

"So Greg, I've been informed that you attempted suicide the other day. Is this correct?" asks the therapist.

"Yes, it is unfortunately true. My wife decided to divorce me and the kids chose to live with her, it struck me hard man." said Greg.

"I know this is gonna be hard for you to do...

### [OC] Everyone talks about being an "Alpha Male"...

I definitely consider myself a Beta male, lots of fun features, but I don't always work correctly...

### Obama, Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and, as former world leaders, were being given a tour of hell

While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Qu...

### A man talks to God

He says: "What is a million years to you?"
The man the asks: "What is a million dollars to you?"
Man: "Can I have a penny?"
God: "Just a second"
Man: ...

### There has been much said and sung about the "Eye Of The Tiger", but how come no one ever talks about the other four letters?

The Tea of the Tiger was quite a refreshing and pleasant event!

### DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher.

He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown dr*gs."

The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."...

### WW1 pilot talks to class

He tells about a dogfight he was in. “There were Fokkers to the right, Fokkers to the left, Fokkers above and Fokkers below.” The teacher says, “Children, Fokkers are a type of airplane.” Pilot says, “Yeah, except these Fokkers were Messerschmitts. “

### I told myself I should stop drinking...

But I'm not going to listen to some drunk who talks to himself.

### An artist talks to his curator about his recent sales

Artist: "So? Did I sell anything?"

Curator: "You won't believe this: a man came by and asked if the value of the paintings will rise after the artist's death. I told him that I think so. So he bought the entire gallery.

Artist: "Wow! That's great! who was he?"

Curator: "It was y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### Don't bet Johnny NSFW

NSFW

One day Johnny's dad goes to school and talks to his teacher and says don't bet with Johnny. His teacher is puzzled.

That same day Johnny shows up and says to his teacher I bet you 25 dollars I can guess what color underwear you are wearing. His teacher laughs and agrees.

...

### What do you call a psychic that only talks to male spirits?

Misogymystic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

### A man talks to a cockroach...

A man says to a cockroach: "My penis is 10 times your body length."

Cockroach replies: "And yet I can make your wife scream 10 times louder than you can..."

### They say, "Money Talks."

All mine says, is "Goodbye."

Horchata

### A man talks to a doctor

Man: Doc, I'm afraid of flashbacks

Doctor: So when did this all start?

Man: AAAAHHHHHHHHH

### One Ancient Rome citizen talks to another....

One Ancient Rome citizen talks to another
-if only you knew with how many women I have slept!
-mmm?
-no, not that many obviously

### Everyone talks about the little Spanish flea, a record star he thought he'd be, but nobody talks about his cousin, the little Spanish tick.

He was a massive freaking prick.