Salary negotiation

Employee: I’d like to be paid what I’m worth.
Employer: And I’d like to pay you what you’re worth, but I can’t because there are minimum wage laws.

I got into an heated negotiation with someone on offerup over some gym equipment.

Hopefully it works out in my favor.

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

What did Trump say to China during the Trade War Negotiations?

It's my way, my way or the Huawei.

In my latest contract negotiation, my coach told me he wanted me to come off the bench next season. I replied...

That’s a non-starter.

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

The year is 2077...

Brexit negotiations continue.
Nevada has counted 98% of the votes.
Cyberpunk has been delayed again.

Just another round of Union negotiations . .

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract’s sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company’s chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, “T...

Jose Mourinho has been brought in to help Theresa May with Brexit negotiations.

He made leaving Europe look so easy.

I'm selling a book entitled: "How To Be An Expert In Negotiations".

I'll accept any price for it.

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Negotiations

An old, rich, oil tycoon walks into a Texas bar and addresses all the women "who will have sex with me for a million dollars?" After a few seconds a woman stands up and says that she will. The old man replies "good. now will you have sex with me for fifty dollars?" disgusted the woman replies "what ...

A mans life

So a lonely gentleman finds himself a attractive lady of the night to help satisfy his physical desires. After some negotiations they retire to a nearby hotel to consummate their business. While disrobing the young lady sees that the gentleman is rather unendowed, pointing and laughing she asks, “Wh...

Name Changes

Several hundred years ago a young hispanic boy was born. His mother wanted to give him a name deserving of her little king. Unfortunately, without medication and in pain she screamed when telling the nurse the name she picked. So instead of Prince, riIINS is what she heard and so Rins was his name. ...

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One fine saturday morning, the husband wakes up early and goes outside to tend to the animals on the farm.

When he returns, he grabs his gun, wakes his wife up, and declares "Woman: We're goin' hunting."

Stirred awake by his words, she replies "Awww husband, I don't want to go hunting."

"Woman, you know the rules. If you don't do what I want to do on a saturday morning, you've got to suck m...

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Pope taking a shower!

The Pope was having a shower and although he's very strict about celibacy, he occasionally felt he needed to exercise the papal wrist, and this happened to be one of those occasions. Just as he reached the Papal climax, he saw a photographer taking a picture of the Holy semen flying through the air...

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A millionaire and a guide were out hunting ducks with a dog.

The dog runs into a thicket and back out and barks once. The owner said good there's one duck in there. They go in and sure enough one duck. They get the duck and head to the next thicket.

The dog runs in and back out. This time he barks three times. Good there's three ducks. They go in and b...

Eldarion, son of Aragorn, High King of the Reunited Kingdom, was bored.

In a time of peace, there was not much to do, and he was long tired of his jesters. So he called for all of his subordinates, and announced a new prestigious title to which all are given candidacy; the title of “Duke of the Best Joke”.

 

Not wanting to disappoint, Finance Mini...

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way...

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called R. Jokes Communications.

After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright.

But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and qui...

The Belgian PM has enough of the French laughing at his fellow countrymen

In order to fix that, he calls the French president, asking him for a favor : doing something stupid, so that the world will laugh at France, for once.

After some negotiation, the French president agrees to build a bridge in the middle of nowhere, not above a river or anything.

The wor...

An old Indian walks into a bank and asks for a $5000 loan.

Clerk: What are you going to do with the money?

Indian: I'm going to go into the city and sell my handmade jewelry.

Clerk: Do you have collateral?

Indian: What's collateral?

Clerk: Collateral is something of value that can cover the amount of the loan. For example, do you...

Heard this from a Navy officer on shore leave.

A Commodore in the Navy found himself wrongly accused of trading secrets with the enemy, so he bluffed his way onto a docked submarine and ordered it out to sea so he could wait out the inquest in peace.


His superiors caught wind of this and ordered a nearby friendly destroyer to go to hi...

If women ruled the world there would be no wars

Just periods of very tense negotiations once a month

Life Rules For My Son

1. Never shake a man’s hand sitting down.

2. There are plenty of ways to enter a pool. The stairs ain’t one.

3. The man at the grill is the closest thing we have to a king.

4. In a negotiation, never make the first offer.

5. Act like you’ve been there before. Especially i...

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Sex with a Japanese woman...

A lawyer from New York, is on a business trip to Tokyo. In Tokyo he's negotiating a big deal between the company he represents and a Japanese firm. Talks take place in English at a sushi-restaurant in down-town Tokyo, between the businessman and Mr. Oki, head of the Japanese company.

The neg...

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