A new widow is talking to the funeral director

She says, "Lying over there is my John, God rest his soul. And he's laid out in his favorite brown suit. I kept my promise to send him here with that suit, but he looks awful in brown."

"Here's $200. I want you to get him a blue suit for the viewing and funeral."

The undertaker says he...

A guy's looking through the job vacancy ads...

...times are tough and there's not much about.

He comes across a job at the local zoo..."help wanted"... He doesn't  have any experience but he decides to give it a shot.

He gets to the interview and the zoo keeper says..." look mate I'll level with you. I've promised the directors I...

I was so nervous having to present my proposal to the board of directors that I ended up constipated.

Luckily, motion passed.

I hate seeing directors make the same movie. It gets boring, I guess I'm...

Board of directors

Today I passed my exams to be a funeral director

Shame it's a dying trade

The top executives of the Budweiser beer company decide they need a fresh, new marketing initiative. One suggests that the Catholic church, being a well known, global brand just like themselves, would be a suitable sponsorship partner, so they send two of their most persuasive directors to Rome.

They are granted an audience with the Pope and explain that they want a commercial link-up with the Vatican. This would, of course, involve some careful 'product placement'. What they suggest is that the words in the Lord's prayer , 'Give us this day our daily bread', be replaced with, 'Give us this...

I have a very important job in my company. I make sure that there are enough seats when the Directors meet.

Basically, I'm the Chairman of the Board.

Why do funeral directors hold most services before 12 pm?

Because they're mourning people.

A CEO and his board of directors gather for a meeting

CEO: We need to stop testing our products on animals.


Board: Why? Shampoo companies do it all the time.





CEO: Yeah but we make hammers

Movie directors are the worst....

They're always going around making a scene.....

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I have one question for porn directors who end scenes with a thirty second close-up of the dude's face.

Where the fuck do you get off?

Two managing directors ...

Two managing directors are talking. "Tell me, Eric. How do you get your employees to show up so early every morning?"

Eric: "Very simple. I have 50 employees but only 40 parking spaces".

Why did the directors of the performance ask for a stage made out of Scrabble tiles?

So they could have a play on words.

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In the Beginning was the plan.

And then came the assumptions. And the assumptions were without form. And the plan was completely without substance. And the darkness was upon the face of the workers. And they spoke among themselves saying: “It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh.”

And the workers went unto their supervi...

Problem with pay equality is that men tend to go for higer paying jobs

...like doctors or directors. While females tend to settle with lesser paying ones like female doctors or female directors.

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Three musicians and their wives are all killed in a terrible accident on their way to a music conference.

They are music teachers -- a band director, orchestra director, and choir director. They arrive at the pearly gates and, after a bit of a wait, St. Peter appears and asks them what they want. The one steps forward and says, "I'm a band director, and my wife and I just died and would like to get into...

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John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache

Had a case of cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"E...

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