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Declined Jokes

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I was in line behind this guy buying condoms and his card just got declined.

The old lady behind me whispered "He just got cock blocked by visa"

Today I was invited by a female janitor to smoke some weed at her apartment, but i politley declined.

I can’t deal with high maintenance women.

I have no idea why my credit card keeps getting declined

Every time I check my account online, it says I have an outstanding balance.

My friends tried to take me to an underwater tavern but I declined.

I hate dive bars.

God will protect me from COVID-19.

A good Christian man walked into Walmart and was offered a mask by the store greeter. The man politely declined saying God would protect him from Covid. Later the man went to his doctor for a routine check up. The doctor told him everything is fine and they also have all three different types of the...

Birth rates in Alabama have declined due to COVID19...

... restrictions prohibiting family gatherings.

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I tried to buy fertilizer and my card was declined. Its finally happened...

I cant afford shit.

The CEO offered an employee a bonus of $10k or to double it and pass it on

The CEO offered an employee a bonus of $10k or to double it and pass it on to the next employee.

The first employee elected to double and pass it on. The CEO thought what a generous individual this was and then moved on to the next employee.

The next employee also declined the (now)...

A man offered me a free 72 ounce steak if I could finish it all in 30 minutes or less. I politely declined....

Upon further thought, It was a huge missed steak

My debit card was declined at the local Marijuana dispencery today

Turns out the card was not linked to a joint account

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I was offered sex with a 21 yr old today

In exchange, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner. Of course I declined, because I am a person with high moral standards and strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now available with scented lemon or vanilla.

Boxers or Briefs, Mr. President?

In 1992 while being interviewed by MTV, Bill Clinton was asked if he wore boxers or briefs? Clinton replied, "Boxers"

In 2008 US magazine asked Obama, "Boxers or briefs"? Obama declined to answer the question.

Last week AARP asked Joe Biden, "Boxers or briefs"? Biden responded, "Depend...

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I got arrested for masturbating in public and declined a public defender.

I don’t think I’ll have a problem getting myself off.

I accidentally declined an offer

Nope unintended

When the nurse declined his request...

He simply said
**"When I donate blood I don't extract it, the nurse does"**
And walked out of the sperm bank.

A waitress demanded my sweater tonight after my credit was declined several times

She kept asking for my card again.

Did you hear about the astronaut whose request to bring an orange on the space shuttle was declined?

It was a fruitless Endeavor

Bounty Towels have declined making a Donald Trump Towel

The company explained that it was impossible to make the towel because Donald Trump was already too self-absorbed.

The custodians at my school kept insisting that I smoke kush with them, but I declined ...

I can't deal with high-maintenance people.

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD...

How bad is it you ask?

So bad,

THAT....

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer....

Two days after the city put up a stop sign someone ran it over, now it’s just laying in my yard. They declined my request to send someone out.

They said all re-posts must be at least a month apart.

DJ Khaled has just declined a role in his upcoming biopic.

When asked about his decision, he was quoted to have said "never play yourself."

For Christmas, I asked Mariah Carey if I could get her a big open space to park her cars, but she declined

She said “I don’t want a lot for Christmas”

My job application for the scissors company was declined after the hands-on interview

I just didn't make the cut.

Steve Winwood once asked me to be a part of his band

Ultimately, I declined his offer after remembering what my dad always told me.

"Son, remember to never play in traffic."

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

What did the surgeon say when the doctor declined going out after work?

Suture self!

My friend asked me if I wanted to watch Dr. Strange.

I declined because I have Stranger Things to watch.

If I got 1000 dollars every time I didn’t know if I had enough money on my card to prevent it from getting declined

It would never get declined again

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I'm a completely broke farmer. The other day I tried buying fertilizer on my only credit card and it was declined.

I literally can't buy shit.

I was invited to go bungee jumping

My friends said it would be a really great time

I declined

Disappointed, my friends asked me why

I simply stated that "I was brought into this world by a broken rubber and I'll be damned if I get taken out by one."

Instead of a Handyman, my apartment complex has a Handywoman.

She's a bit of a pothead but damn good at her job. Today she asked me if I wanted to smoke with her but I declined cuz I can't stand high maintenance women.

A spiritual Leader lay quietly. He was dying.

The disciples had gathered around his bed and recited some holy verses trying to make his last journey divine and pleasant.

They wanted to give him warm milk to drink but he declined.

One of the disciples took the glass back to the kitchen and decided to add some brandy con...

Tom Brady asked me if I could help him after his house’s air conditioning system broke.

I declined because I’m not a big fan.

Refusing tea with grandma

A guy was invited to tea by his grandmother. He declined. When asked why he answered "I don't accept cookies".

Yesterday I was at Wal-Mart. And a lady was standing in front of me at the register. Her bill came up to about $200 but her card declined. It was just food. So y’all already know what I did.

Helped her put each and every item back. #itstheseasonofgiving

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Putin has a sex life problem...

...his sea-men count has declined.

The Anteater

An anteater walks into a bar! The bartender, who is extremely famous, asks if he can get him a drink. The anteater responds "noooooo." This surprises the bartender as no one has ever declined a drink before. He decides to ask the anteater if he'd like a basic drink, a rum and coke! The anteater resp...

My great grandpa, on his death bed, offered to sell his vital organs on the black market to help pay our rent during economic crisis.

We declined his offer.

We got evicted a week later, and he died another week after that, but at least his heart was in the right place.

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Going to hell

Johnny died and arrived in Hell.

He was met by the Devil and was told that in the new kinder, gentler, more customer focused Hell, each person is offered three choices of torture.

The Devil explained that these tortures run in 1,000-year cycles and you could pick which cycle to begin w...

Three elderly ladies are sitting on a park bench in Central Park. Suddenly, a man dressed in an overcoat appears from behind a tree. The man casually opens his coat and flashes the unsuspecting ladies.

Surprised, the first lady had a stroke. The second lady also had a stroke. The third lady, though, declined to touch it.

Why is Oedipus bad at Latin?

He conjugated where he should have declined.

>!Latin verbs have conjugations and latin nouns have declinsions.!<

Ronda Rousey says she contemplated suicide.

Holly Holm declined the rematch though.

I was invited to a funeral at 6 AM

But I declined, because I'm really not a mourning person.

Prequel joke

Why couldn't Anakin pay for his dinner?

His master card declined

Two friars were behind on their belfry payments.

So they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they politely declined, He went back and begged the friars to close. They ayet...

From the Newsdesk: Television Star turned Politician loses bid for reelection amidst corruption allegations...

Our request for a comment from Sideshow Bob's campaign staff was declined

So, someone asked me a question the other day.

They asked me if I wanted to do a threesum.

Of course, I declined the offer. Im not really a big fan of math.

Really, Jen?

My sister, Jennifer, started a vlog where she could be 100% herself. She called it “Really Jen”. She recently went hiking and was doing a video about group of ticks she came across in the woods which she swore were in a polyamorous relationship together, if you can believe it.

Anyway, she ask...

Robert Mugabe, an unpopular dictator from an African nation, visited Israel with his top government officials.

Unfortunately, he died during the visit. The Israelis offered to bury him in Israel for free, explaining that it will save money that can be used to help the poor people of his country. His entourage discussed the proposition and declined the offer saying that they'd rather bring back the remains of...

A man is hitchhiking on a lonely road.

After a good while an old beat up truck stops and picks him up and after a couple of minutes of small talk the driver ask the man if he wants some booze. Sure he says and gets handed a bottle. When he tries to drink it the smell of bad moonshine overwhelms him and he declined the drink. The old man ...

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A man was traveling through Asia when one night, he stopped at a monastery

He asked the monks for a place to sleep and some food, and the monks indulged him. But that night, he couldn't sleep. He kept hearing this droning, thumping sound. After a while, he went to investigate. He followed the sound down the stairs, into the basement. There he encountered a richly decorated...

There were once two flower shops across the street from each other, but one was more successful than the other.

The one that was more successful was owned by two friars, and they were always the center of attention. Everyone wanted to buy flowers from the cute friars with their funny brown coats. But the owner of the other shop was not making money. He was tired of it. He had asked them many times to close sh...

A clergyman was walking and saw a farmer loading hay and struggling with the work.

"you look tired son,take a rest" he said.
No,my father would hate that" he replied
"Don't be silly, everyone needs a break sometimes. Come take some cold water" the clergyman replies.
Again the farmer declined. This continues for about two minutes, until the clergyman says "your father must...

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