How do you make three old ladies all yell profanity at the same time?

Have the forth one yell " BINGO!".

Why doesn't Oedipus use profanity?

Because he kisses his mother with that mouth.

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Profanity

Profanity is the crutch of the inarticulate motherfucker.

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My favourite long joke

Pete and Dave are on the first tee. Pete slices an enormous shot into the middle of a dense wood. ‘Oh no he says (insert appropriate profanity), I’ll never find that; that makes a whole box of golf balls I’ve lost this month. ‘

Dave says ‘you should try one of these,’ producing a ball from hi...

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A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband

**A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass but N-O-O-O-O, you said that might hurt!"**

What is the most commonly used computer programming language?

Profanity.

WARNING: This post contains multiple instances of profanity.

profanity
profanity
profanity
profanity

Why does the arrow on the computer screen use profanity a lot?

Because it was a cursor.

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A pastor’s wife walks into a butcher shop

She sees the most perfect looking cut of meat in the display case and asks the butcher what kind of meat it is. “That’s Dam Ham,” he replies
“I bet your PARDON?!” the lady says, “I am a good Christian woman, and I would kindly ask you not to use that kind of language.” The butcher explains, “Oh n...

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Guy goes to confession...

says, "forgive me father. I used profanity and said the lord's name in vain."

priest says, "please, tell me exactly what happened, my son."

"well father, i was playing golf and i was on a long par 4 and i sliced my tee shot into the trees."

"is that when you used profanities, my...

An old maid had a parrot who had a lot of profanity in its vocabulary

The only way to silence the parrot was to cover its cage with a cloth so it would think it was night time and go to sleep. One morning, the pastor comes to visit the woman right after she uncovered his cage, so she had to immediately cover it again. The pastor came in and heard the parrot say, “Godd...

I Recently I received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clea...

Little Bobby was in class and wrote “ICK” on his desk with a pencil. He dared little Jimmy to write a “D” at the beginning. The teacher, Mr. Brown, saw the whole thing. As Jimmy wrote the “D” the teacher approached them and Bobby blamed it all on poor Jimmy. Mr Brown shouted . . .

“Bobby!!! You penciled ick!!” Mr. Brown was fired for using profanity.

I saw a movie once with a lot of racist profanity

Obviously, it got rated a hard R.

Life before the computer:

Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show.

A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu.

A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad wa...

A pastors wife goes to the fish market

She’s looking to make fillets for dinner and asks the guy behind the counter for a suggestion.

“I’d recommend this right here, ma’am. It’s new to the market.”

“What kind of fish is it?” She asks.

“It’s dam fish, ma’am.”

The pastors wife abruptly says. “How dare you use th...

So, John received a parrot, as a gift.

Now this parrot was the rudest, noisiest, most foul mouthed parrot you can imagine. Every other word out of this parrot's beak was profanity, and strings of filthy insults - absolutely appalling behaviour!

Well, over the course of the next week, John tried speaking to it softy and calmly, pl...

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An American, a Japanese and an Indian were trying to show off how advanced their country's technology is.

The American goes first, looks at his hand and pokes it at a few places, proceeds to place it on his ear like a mobile and starts talking. After the call gets over here explains that he has a simcard embedded in his hand that let's him use it as a mobile. Everyone is impressed.
Then suddenly some...

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Watch your language.

Dad and son cuss too much, and mom has had enough. One night she tells them both, "I hear anymore profanity, and so help me, I will not be responsible for my reaction!"

The next morning, mom gets up and heads downstairs to the kitchen to start breakfast. Dad follows her and mom asks, "What do...

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A crusty old man walks into a synagogue

A crusty old man walks into a synagogue and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this fucking congregation."
The astonished woman replies, 'I beg your pardon, sir.
I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?'
'Listen up, goddam it. I said I want to join this fucking congregati...

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How are you likin' these sons of bitches?

One day a fisherman in a small town begins to catch a new type of fish in his nets that he's never seen before. Since he wasn't going to waste fish that he'd caught, he decides to go ahead and cook them anyways and see how they taste. To his delight, the mystery fish are quite magnificent. He digs a...

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Little Johnny swears all the time

His mother is at hers wit’s end. So she went to consult with a Priest.

“My daughter, sometimes we have to strike where it hurts the most, to educate our children. Let me ask you, do you give your son a monthly allowance?”

“Yes, Father, I give him 50 bucks.”

“So, every time he u...

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A man was playing golf

..and he missed his shot

"Fuck I missed!" He exclaimed

Shot after shot he would shout the same phrase.

"Fuck, I missed!"

Behind him, was a priest who was very angry with this man's profanity. The priest says to the man,

" If you swear once more, I will make god s...

A priest goes golfing with his nuns....

A priest who typically goes golfing with his friends every Thursday afternoon gets a call saying his buddies won't be joining him one morning. Still wanting to go, he asks three of his nuns to go with him for company. They agree, somewhat hesitantly.

On the first tee, the priest's shot lands...

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Little Timmy

Little Timmy was in the car with his parents and brother when a police car cut them up. The dad honked the horn and screamed
"What an absolute cunt!"
"Daddy, What does cunt mean?" Timmy Asked
"Um it means police officer Timmy, just a friendly way to describe one" the dad replied in pani...

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A man walks into a bank

and walks up to a pretty, young clerk.

"I want to open a fucking bank account," he says.

The clerk looks up, mildly shocked, sure she's misheard. "Excuse me?"

"You heard me," says the man. "I want to open a fucking bank account."

The clerk puts down her pen. "Sir, I'm go...

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NSFW An old woman buys a parrot.

She asks the salesman if it speaks and he assures her it does but he warns her that it was a sailor who was the first owner.

When she gets home and puts the parrot in it’s cage it starts saying all kinds of profanity and obscene words.

She hurries down to the pet shop and tells the sho...

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Some good tips for your English class.

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It...

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A farmer was minding his business on a day like any other

A farmer was minding his business on a day like any other doing chores and caring for his land.

By noon just as he was enjoying lunch, a black government car comes rolling down the road. A few agents get out and slowly approach him.

“We are to perform a search of your premises on sus...

The one language programmers all know

Is profanity

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Parrot discipline

One day a woman decided to get a parrot. She was in luck, because the pet store had a previously owned one very cheap, but when she got it home she found out why: its previous owner had been a sailor, and the parrot's language was awful. Whatever she tried, it just kept squawking "Fuck off, bitch!" ...

All gamers are bilingual...

They speak both English and Profanity.

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My Uncle Sal is gone 20 yrs today and he told me this joke when I was 5. I remember it vividly to this day (34yrs old), and still laugh thinking of him saying it in his quirky voice and animated gestures

Bear and Rabbit are walking in the woods together toward the stream.

Bear stops to squat and take a hot shit.

As Rabbit patiently waits close by, Bear finishes up and politely asks Rabbit:

"Hey Rabbit, do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur??"

"Why no Bear, ...

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A young boy walks in on his parents arguing...

It's the evening of Thanksgiving and a young boy happens upon his parents who are arguing loudly in the kitchen. "You're a bitch!" Yells the father. "You're a bastard!" Yells the mother. "Well you've got floppy tits!" Says the father. "Yeah? Well you've got a crooked dick" Cries the mother. The fath...

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Little Tommy is walking to school one morning

[Long]

He passes by a couple of older boys, they are having a conversation. Tommy overhears them talking about something called "blue love". Little Tommy is curious, and asks them what blue love is. The boys give him a somewhat offended look and walk away.

Little Tommy goes to class, s...

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NBC President Flies Into Rage After Network Fails to Produce Industry Minimum Ten Cop Shows‏

NEW YORK - During a staff meeting this week, NBC President of Entertainment Robert Greenblatt erupted into a profanity-laced tirade when he was informed that the network's new season of prime-time dramas and comedies failed to meet The Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers (AMPTP) requ...

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So a man and a priest are fishing...

A man and a priest are fishing when all of a sudden the mans pole jerks forward. With all his might the man reels in his reward and looks at it and says "wow this is one long son of a bitch". The priest turns around and looks at the man straight in the eyes and the man, trying to cover up his profan...

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A Damn Good Sermon

A man finally goes with his wife to church, after promising her for weeks that he'd go. Surprisingly, the man was so impressed with the preacher's sermon he stopped on the way out to shake his hand.

"Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a DAMN fine sermon."

The preacher says, "Why thank...

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