Holy Land Jokes - 28 Hilarious Holy Land Jokes

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land....

While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. An undertaker told them "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home. The undertaker asked "Why? Why would you spend $...

A husband and Wife from the States visit the Holy Land...

During the trip the wife tragically dies. A funeral director in Israel tells the husband that she can be buried in the holy land for $500, or shipped back to the US for $4000. The husband immediately says, "Let's ship her back to the states." The funeral director asks why, when it's so much cheape...

Apparently Kraft are opening a new factory in the Holy Land. They're calling it . . .

Cheeses of Nazareth.

A minister is vacationing through the Holy Land

And is taking a historical trip to all of the sights associated with Jesus. Finally, he reaches the Sea of Galilee, where he is planning on taking a ferry boat across the water. Once he gets up to the ticket counter, however, he is shocked to learn the outrageous price of a ticket, and has to unfort...

The Holy Land isn't a fake place

Israel

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Call my ass the holy land

Because several Catholics have forced their way into it

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Death in the holy land.

A irishman and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem when the wife died suddenly. The undertaker said it will cost £5000 to ship her home or £50 to bury her here.

The husband said ship her home. The undertaker said "but Sir why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the mo...

So a man was on vacation in the holy land

A man and his wife where off on a lovely vacation in the holy land touring biblical sites when a few days before they where supposed to leave his wife dropped dead of a heart attack. So the man was approached by the mortician who told him he could fly her back to the states for a few thousand dollar...

A man and his wife went on vacation to Israel, his mother-in-law decided to go, too.

One night on the trip, the mother-in-law died of a heart attack. The couple visited a local undertaker who said that it would cost $1500 to take the woman's body back to the US.

"However," said the undertaker, "We could have the funeral and bury her here in the Holy Land for only $150."
...

i was in Jerusalem for a holiday

Needing my cuppa of java i wandered into a cafe and was served by a male barista. I found it odd that there were no female Baristas so i made it a point to keep a lookout for them across the holy land.

From Starbucks to coffee club, from hipster cafes to neighborhood coffeehouses, not a femal...

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An old Jewish man rubs a lamp, and a genie emerges.

"For freeing me from the lamp, I will grant you one wish," the genie says.

The old man instantly pulls out a map of Israel and says, "My deepest wish is that the Jews, Muslims and Christians in the Holy Land will live together in peace and fellowship forever."

The genie hangs his head ...

Have you ever been to the Holy Land?

Israeli cool.

Jesus is walking through the Holy land...

and he comes across a large group of excited people. He walks up to he group and asks, "what is going on?" An excited villager looks at him and yells "We caught a witch! Go grab a stone! We're gonna stone her!"
Jesus think about the comments and walks to he center of the group. there is a ...

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Two beggars

It is Easter Sunday in front of Saint Sophia’s Cathedral in Constantinople sometime during the Crusades.

Two beggars are sitting in front of the cathedral.

One is wearing a tattered suit of armor and is covered in bandages. In front of him is a sign: “Give Alms to a poor Crusader who ...

Donald Trump visits Israel for information.

During a trip through Jerusalem, he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him:

"You can have him sent home for $ 50,000, or buried here in the Holy Land for just $ 100."The American diplomats go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes. Th...

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An evil black knight and a holy white knight meet on the field of battle

The black knight calls out to his opponent, "behold the power of my sturdy lance and my steed! We will conquer this land and enslave its people on behalf of the dark wizard!"

The white knight responds, "nary have I enountered such a vile and wicked man! The people of this holy land shall rem...

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Two warring nations....(kinda long)

Two warring nations have been fighting over their "holy land" for hundreds upon hundreds of years. One day, they decide to send their best philosopher to a duel of knowledge, to determine who truly deserves the "holy land". The only dilemma is neither nation speaks the same language.

So the t...

Men being Men

Once a group of men decided to take an expedition to the holy land.

Their guide explained to them that on the way they might see some women bathing in open and they should not get distracted at all.

When they see anything like that, they should just say “Praise the lord” and move on. ...

Trump goes to Israel

and while praying at the wailing wall, suffers a massive heart attack and dies. The Israeli diplomat says they can bury him in the Holy Land for 100 bucks or embalm him and ship him back for 50k. The American diplomat opts for the 50k option. The Israeli asks “why take the most expensive solution...

This is the story of Easter

While travelling throughout Jerusalem, President Trump suddenly gets a heart attack and subsequently dies. De undertaker tells the american diplomats and bodyguards that accompanied him this: "You could have him sent home for $50000 or you could bury him here in the holy land, after currency exchang...

President Trump is in Israel for the Mideast Summit. He gets ill and dies...

President Trump is in Israel for the Mideast Summit. He gets ill and dies.

The local officials tell his aides that they could return the body to America but to honor the President they offer to bury him there in the Holy Land.

The aides confer and tell the official that they will take ...

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Im so smart for thinking of this

One guy says to another: Hey, did you know, there's a Middle Eastern country on the Mediterranean Sea, and it’s regarded by Jews, Christians and Muslims as the biblical Holy Land!

The other guy says: I don't believe you, you're talking rubbish.

So the first guy says: No, it isr...

There is a horrible crash and 50 Pikeys are killed in a bus.

All 50 of them are sent up to heaven and are outside the golden gates where they are met by Saint Peter.

"Can we come in" one of the men ask.

Saint Peter has a look through the long list of sins they've committed and grimaces.

"You have all caused alot of...

Chastity belt

During the crusades a knight was about to leave for the holy land , but he was worried about his wife. He wanted to ensure her faithfulness till his return. So he had a chastity belt made and tied it around his wife, as he was about to leave he thought , that what if he loses the key in the confusio...

Elderly vacation

An elderly couple were vacationing in Jerusalem and on the night before the return trip, the wife passed away in her sleep unfortunately.

When the widowed husband went to retrieve his beloved wife’s body he was given two options.

1. Pay $5k for expenses in order to have his wife shi...

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A man went to Israel with his wife...

This guy i heard of went to Israel with his wife, and when they got there, she had a rare illness and she died. So now, this guy's stuck here in a foreign land with a dead wife, and to bring her back home and bury her, the guy needed $15k. He was telling some of the locals that he was too poor to af...

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Three explorers

There were three explorers who were sailing the seas in search for new land. They land on a small island, but as they leave their ship, they are confronted by a group of savages and their chief.

The chief says, "You are trespassing on our holy land and for that you must pay the consequences. ...

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A man marries a Jewish woman, and for their honeymoon they go to Israel. The mother-in-law insists that she come along.

Reluctantly, the couple allows her along the trip. After only two days, the mother-in-law has a heart attack and dies.

The daughter is so distraught that the husband is left to make all the funeral arrangements by himself. He's sitting in the undertaker's office when he walks back in.
...

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