Carnival is offering a new voyage where you set sail and leave a bunch of senior citizens behind in the snow.

It's called a Ted Cruise

My Grandfather saw the Titanic. He shouted loudly to all within earshot "that ship is going to sink!". He was ignored. But he kept it up "Mark my words. That ship will sink on her maiden voyage!"

Eventually the ushers threw him out of the theater.

A Voyage to Italy

A young woman from New York was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomo...

What's the best snack for a voyage across the seas?

Ships and Sailsa

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Singles on a deserted island

A luxury cruise ship offered a cruise for young singles only. But halfway through the voyage, the ship crashed. The Captain had been having a affair and didn't see the giant rock formation. The cruise ship went down in record time (as did the Captain). Most people on board were too drunk to act fast...

Mac the sailor docked at New York after a frustrating three-month voyage. Unfortunately he'd lost most of his pay playing poker on board ship, so when he eventually found a lady of the night, all he could offer her was $0.50 and a pair of sneakers.

She refused with disdain.

He wandered around in search of a more accommodating girl, but was refused time and time again. Eventually he found a more sympathetic lady who told him that although she could not possibly accept his offer herself, he could always try Mabel down the road. But she wa...

What did the French dessert say when it was leaving?

Bonbon voyage

What is the name of Daniel Craig's last movie?

Probably, "Bond Voyage."

What do you call a bunch of masochists on an ocean voyage?

A bruise cruise

Lloyd Christmas and Harry Dunne is giving a press conference before their voyage to the sun ...

Lloyd: By our calculations we will land on the sun in the middle of winter

Harry: oh and we will make sure it’s nighttime for extra safety

Congratulations to the obvious winner of last night’s debate...

The voyager space probe hurtling away from our solar system at over 35k mph!

A sailor has just signed up to join a Transatlantic trade crew for their latest voyage...

The rest of the crew have worked together for years, so he's the only newbie. Initially, it seems to be a pretty ordinary job.

However, after the initial work of loading the ship and leaving the harbor was done, he noticed something weird.

During lunch or dinner, whenever most of the c...

There was a captain that took his ship on a long voyage...

...but the sailors got a bit randy during this voyage.

So the captain provided a barrel with a hole and instructed the sailors to relieve themselves into the barrel. If they filled it up, there would be a bonus, he promised.

The sailors filled up the barrel, and ther was peace on the ...

One day St. Peter had the day off and St. Patrick was left in charge of the pearly gates of Heaven.

After a short while an Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman are stopped at the gates by St. Patrick, who says, “Sorry, it’s crowded up here, you each need to answer a question correctly, or else you can’t enter Heaven. St. Patrick looks at the Irishman and asks "What was the name of the famous oce...

transatlantic voyage 5 dollars

A guy sees a newspaper ad that says "transatlantic voyage only five dollars". He's never been overseas so he heads down to the dock on the coast and sure enough, there's a shack with a sign "transatlantic voyage $5". He gives the attendant five bucks and is handed a pair of oars. The attendant sh...

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely, saying…..

"I must have taken Leif off my census."

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I wish my name was Voyager 2...

So I could have the first encounter with Uranus

There was a deep sea fisherman

That accidentally caught an eagle porpoise - a rare species of porpoise (though not endangered) that inhabits the waters off Southern Mexico to Peru (ie, the Pacific coast). This species has a down-turned snout ideal for catching bottom-dwelling mollusks (octopi and squid) that inhabit the reefs and...

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Sailor went to sea

A sailor, newly qualified, joins a ship on a long sea voyage. And he asks the first mate what they do for fun. The first mate says "we have a barrel with a hole in it, and everyone gets to stick his dick inside. Have a go". So the sailor tries it and it's an amazing feeling. Ecstatically he says to ...

A fisherman and his wife had two children: a boy and a girl.

They were deciding what to name the children, when the fisherman noticed that every time they stood on the balcony, the boy looked towards the ocean and the girl looked away from the ocean. So the boy was named Towards and the girl was named Away.

Years later, the fisherman decided to take To...

The year is 1804 and a young man enlists on a ship..

..his first voyage is to last 3 years, and even though the work is hard the young man takes to it like a fish in water.

After only a few days he is running the riggin like an old hand, he swabs the decks without complaint and spends his free time in amicable companionship playing cards or tel...

Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate!

The Voyager probe, flying away from Earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.

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A man finds himself as the cook on a ship...

A man finds himself as the cook on a ship that has just set off on a voyage. He does a quick survey of the kitchen. Everything seems good except in the pantry he finds several bags of potatoes that are all shaped like penises. "That's weird," he thinks as he goes and finds the captain.

"Hey, ...

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A man gets a job as a fisherman on

a trawler. They stay out at sea for a few days and still 3 weeks until of voyage to go. The man then gets restless and ask one of his shipmate “I really need to release some built up tension, what do you guys do?.
His mate replied “No problem, you see that barrels with the hole in the middle? Jus...

Please select a secret question from the list to help us confirm your identity.

What was your mother's maiden voyage?

What city did you throw up in?

What was the make and model of your first jar?

What was your favorite high school bleacher?

What is your favorite shorts seam?

What street did you jive on when you were 9?

What was your fir...

A captain of a ship was retiring after 40 years in the business.

He had some good voyages, and some bad, but it was finally time to sail one last time. Before each trip, the captain would open a small leather book, read a certain page, close the book and board the ship for the voyage. Only he knew what the leather book said. Not even his first mate knew what the ...

Who is going to win tonight's presidential election?

The Voyager Probe, speeding away from Earth at 38,000 mph.

Aliens and Western Classical Music

In 1977 Nasa launched the Voyager Spacecraft into space. The spacecraft contained multiple pieces of music, among other things, including J. S. Bach's Brandenburg Concerto No. 2. It's likely that extra-terrestrial life will have developed a fondness of German Classical music and will one day come to...

Captain Flint and his crew of cutlass wielding marauders, set sail for Clew Bay, ready to take down the Filthy Five Hundred and collect upon their bounty.

Retrieving the heads of these skallywags will net him $1 per ear, and Captain Flint was ready to lay down his life for it. With $1000 he could buy an entire fleet with 50 men per ship. He'd be the most feared Pirate in the Atlantic!

After 2 days of fighting by sea and shore, Captain Flint an...

Staking a claim

In 1897 a young man set out for adventure from the frontier city of Seattle. He'd risked his entire life savings to make the trek to the Yukon to prospect for gold.

He started his journey full of excitement and hope. he'd purchased his 2,000lbs of gear and supplies and two fine stock horses t...

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Once there was a boy in Alabama who loved trains.

It was his life, he’d get his dad to take him to train shows, play with them at home, read books about them in elementary school, the works. In high school he studied and kept his GPA high so he’d be able to go for his dreams: to be a train conductor. Upon graduating high school he got accepted int...

What does a terrorist say before a cruise?

Bomb voyage

A luxury cruise liner is about to leave port

when the engine breaks down. Every mechanic on staff tries everything they can think of to get it running, but no luck. Desperate, the captain begins asking passengers if there's any mechanics on board. A retired old salt steps forward and says "I have 50 years experience as a navy mechanic, mayb...

An Asian, a Mexican, and an American all get on a boat...

The captain looks at his passangers and tells them that in order to continue the voyage, each of them must throw over something they have a lot of in their country. The Asian tosses a few bags of rice, the Mexican tosses some tortillas, and the American tosses the Mexican.

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A legend of the Native Americans

While many people know of Sequoya, the Native American genius who developed the Cherokee alphabet, fewer have heard of another visionary – yet he made a discovery no less groundbreaking, owing nothing to the white man’s knowledge.

It fell out like this: In the early 1800s, a certain chief, ...

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A Sailor Walks into a Bar

He sits at the bar, and the bartender notices that he has a head the size of a baseball. The bartender then asks him what happened to his head? The sailor begins to tell his story.

"So I was stranded at sea, and I was approached by a mermaid who granted me three wishes. The first wish was for...

My 10 y.o. son cracked this joke on the driving range today.

I sliced the hell out of the ball. My son watched it land, turned to me and said, "that ball was like Star Trek Voyager ... way off course."

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The Cod Captain and His Seamen's Semen

Several centuries ago, Irish fishermen sought fortune fishing cod off the coast of Newfoundland. During the long cross-Atlantic journey, many captains worried about their men after so much time away from their wives.

One devoutly Catholic captain was especially concerned that his men might re...

Potty Training

Potty training my toddler can be likened to the maiden voyage of the Titanic...

At the beginning we are hopeful and excited but by the end everyone’s crying and wet.

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It was a fine day out on the sea...

when a young sailer prepared to set sail on his first voyage. Before he boarded the vessel, he came across an old pirate sitting drunkenly on the docks.

"Hey, old-timer," he began, "you look like you've seen your fair share of sea. Could you spare some advise for a young sailer?"

"Gar...

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Horny sailors

Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting drunk when one turned to the other and said, "You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they're fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty horny. With all the jacking ...

A sailor is being asked by a reporter

"Was there ever a situation in your voyages when you were afraid?"

"Yeah, once we were transporting a container of 500.000 dolls. A storm just started and the ship leaned hard on its side. At that moment all the dolls cried "MAMA"...That's when I shat myself with fear."

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Captain Loony Doubloon

At the last port-of-call before a long voyage, lonely Captain Loony Doubloon decides it's time he needs another parrot. He heads to the port's birdkeep, and finds the perfect talkative parrot perched on its swing within. The keeper discloses, however, that the bird was born with no legs, among anoth...

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An Irishman, a Frenchman, and an Afghani man are riding around the world in a balloon...

When they are over Ireland, the Irish man picks up an enormous bag of potatoes and says ‘I’m giving my country this bag of potatoes, in hopes that some hungry souls can find happiness from full bellies.’ He tossed the bag of potatoes over the edge of the balloon's basket.

The Frenchman and th...

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