Columns Jokes

Dear Walter:

I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a few hundred yards down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's hel... read more

A contempt-table

Anonymous:
Hi! I'm a lady aged 26 married with one kid. Last week my husband was off duty and I had to drive alone to work. I left my husband with the maid and my baby at home. I drove for just about two miles from home and my car engine started to overheat so I had to turn back to get another ca... read more

I guess it's a less charged word.

Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the aforementioned task in a timely and efficient manner within the structure in which said bulb is housed and being dependent on the following variables:

Whereas it should be taken in to account that ceiling heights may differ significantly f... read more

He doesn’t like the front of his house and decided he wants new columns, new everything. He selects a contractor and starts working on choosing materials. He ultimately decides on a wooden column with a rustic flair, and a slate tile under the front porch.

The contractor does the work well—h... read more

Brutus: Columns, sir.
Caesar: You call them sir? I know you don't have the authority I do, but have *some* self-respect.

die and go to heaven at the same time. St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates, and then shows them to their accommodations. He brings the math teacher to a luxurious mansion, with a hedge maze, marble columns, and a fountain. The priest thinks to himself, "If the math teacher gets this, imagine w... read more

He floated his stock while the rest of the world was in liquidation.

The greatest journalist? Samson. He took two columns and made an impression on everyone.

a guy goes to his rabbi, and says, "I think my wife is trying to poison me. What do I do?"

The rabbi says, "Let me talk to her. Don't worry."

A week later, the rabbi contacts the man. "I spoke to your wife for more than 3 hours...take the poison."

[credit to dinner party down... read more

Patio Furniture!

I got this joke from a great collection of cheezy jokes [here!](http://www.publicradio.org/columns/dinnerpartydownload/2011/08/episode-109-the-2nd-annual-icebreaker-show.html)

A hipster goes to an antique market where he spots a cool looking brass lamp. It's only $20, so he buys and takes it home.
He spots a black mark on the side so he gets out the brass polish and rubs it to remove the mark. There's a flash and this giant Middle Eastern dude appeares in his lounge. "... read more

The shop owner assured the man that if he rubbed the lamp a genie would appear and he would get 3 wishes.

The man spent many days planning for his three wishes and finally rubbed the lamp.

When the genie appeared the man exclaimed in wonder. It was true! "For my first wish....."
<... read more

Polish peasant digs up an old lamp, rubs it, genie pops out—the usual scenario—and offers him a wish. Pole scratches his head, says, “I think I’d like the Chinese to invade Poland.” Genie does a double take, shrugs, and wham! The Chinese roar across Poland, burning and bayoneting everything in their... read more

A man falls asleep one night with depressing thoughts of his failures in life; never has he been able to provide for his family what he wants them to have. He wakes up the next morning on the floor of a room with only a white painted ceiling and floor. No walls. Just clouds as far as he can see. In ... read more