After years of abuse, people talking down on me for being unstable, using me, stepping over me, putting me down, i finally became stable. And it only took one nice guy and a folded coaster.

Singed, the table.

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I rode a roller-coaster and the woman next to me couldn't stop screaming.

It was like she'd never seen a penis before.

Why didn’t four ride the roller coaster?

It was two squared.

What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs on a roller coaster?

>!Jocelyn!<

I made a pot themed roller coaster

It’s called “The Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed”

Two Russian men walk into a Finnish bar

Where they take a seat and order two pints of the bar's finest beer.

The waitress arrives with the pints and two coasters for the gentlemen. She notices that they seem slightly confused.

Soon after, they order two more pints and when she noticed the coasters were missing she replaced ...

What vegetable loves roller coasters?

Celerweeeeeeeeeeeee!

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors...

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other
residents tolerated her and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and
Kooky Kevin stepped out with his arm outstretched.

"STOP!" he shouted in a fi...

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Every time I have sex with a girl, it’s like being on a roller coaster.

It usually last a few minutes, and she vomits after.

Anxiety is like a roller coaster

*Makes a decision.
Think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think think

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Say it out loud.

A Russian man walks into a bar and sits down, the bartender asks him what he wants and the man replies ‘a pint of beer please’

The bartender goes up to him a first places a cup coaster and then a pint of beer on top.

Few minutes later, the man asks for the same thing, so the bartender goes up to him places a cup coaster and then the pint on top.

Once again, few minutes later the man asks for another pint. The...

What do English speakers yell when they're on a rollercoaster?

Weeeeeeeeeeee!!!!

What do Spanish speakers yell when they're on a roller coaster?

Nosotros!!!!!

Him: why ride a roller coaster when you can ride me?

Her: because roller coasters actually make me scream

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Frank takes his hot blind date, Heather, to an amusement park.

Frank and Heather agree that Heather should decide on the first thing to do, then Frank, then Heather, then Frank and so on.

"What do you want to do first?" asks Frank. "I want to get weighed," replies Heather.

So Frank takes Heather to the weight guesser. "Let me guess," says the weig...

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I think it's weird that county fairs are being cancelled.

Don't get me wrong, I think it's a *good* idea, but... I just figured that anyone who isn't afraid to hop onto a 60-year-old rusty roller coaster, that gets disassembled and reassembled 22 times a year by a traveling meth head with an allen wrench, while eating a deep fried stick of butter, wouldn't...

Women are like roller coasters.

##

I tend to observe them from a safe distance, and I'll never go on a big one.

Why can't you use the Bible as a coaster?

Because the Bible story doesn't hold water.

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Having sex with me is a lot like riding a roller coaster

It's over in about a minute and makes you want to vomit

Did you know Helen Keller had a roller coaster?

You didn’t? Neither did she

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Optimist: The glass is half full.

Pessimist: The glass is half empty.

My mom: USE A FUCKING COASTER

What type of roller coaster goes through the Bronx?

The type where people scream in the flat parts.

-Jerry Seinfeld

Love is like a roller-coaster

It'll seem scary at first, it's happens fast, it has its ups, it has its downs, but what's most important is that you meet it's size restrictions.

Life with me is like a roller coaster.

There's a weight limit.

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What's the difference between a paedophile and a roller coaster?

You have to be a over 5ft to ride a roller coaster

Why didn't the Rooster go on the Roller Coaster?

He was chicken...

Women are like roller coasters

Women are like roller coasters, they have their ups and downs but in the end you always finish riding way to early.

An Irishman walks into a bar in Toronto and orders a drink.

The bartender, noticing his accent, asks him "What brings you to Canada?"

The Irishman says "Well, I was in a pub in Dublin and the coaster under my glass said 'Drink Canada Dry', so I thought I'd give it a shot"

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Roller coasters are like your first time having sex.

for the amount of time it takes to get there, you wish it lasted longer.

A man was sitting

on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift. “I’d like to be eight again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big b...

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At the peak of the cold war the Russians started a project to mass produce war robots.

The plan was divided into 4 stages, in the first stage the scientists were tasked to perfect the technology of remotely controlling the robots.

The second stage was giving the robots a perfectly humanoid stucture and give them the ability to perfectly copy human actions.

T...

What's the fastest ride at the carnival?

You would think it would be the roller coaster.

But really the carousel has the most horse power.

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One day, a red fruit loop looked at himself in the mirror and said, "I need to become an orange fruit loop."

It was a daunting task. But after working out for two hours a day, with five-gram weights, and getting a degree in economics, *wa-zaam!* he was an orange fruit loop. But he was still hungry.

Again Looking at himself in the mirror, he said, "I need to become a yellow fruit loop." It was a d...

A man visited his heavily bandaged friend in the hospital.

Upon seeing his injuries, the friend asked: “What happened to you?”

“Well, we went to a theme park and decided to ride a roller coaster,” the man explained. “As we came to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it, but it was too small and I co...

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Imagine if they made an amusement park called Sex Flags

It would be a fucking roller-coaster

You Might be a Redneck Jedi If…

* You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with ya’ll."
* Your Jedi robe is camouflage.
* You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
* At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
* You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
* You have ever had a...

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A priest was assigned to a new church

He was really stressed out during his first mass; he could barely speak to the people. Before his second mass, he visited his superior and asked him how to suppress his nervousness. His superior told him to add some vodka into his water and after a few sips, he'd immediatly feel more relaxed.
...

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An American man and his son went on vacation to Finland.

When they arrived, a cab driver greeted them at the airport. "What should we do on our first day here," the father asked his son, excitedly. The driver interjected, "Well, if you're not natives, I'd suggest the roller coaster that teaches your or language." Confused, the father and son look at one a...

What's the best place to propose to a French person?

At the top of a roller coaster so on the way down they say wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Joe took his date, Kerri, to the carnival...

Joe, using one of those online matchmaker services, get's a date with Kerri.

Joe decides to take Kerri to the carnival.

As they walk down the midway, he asks "What would you like to do first, Kerri?"

"I want to get weighed," she said.

They ambled over to the weight gues...

4th of July Alcohol puns: American Heroes edition.

So this all started with Abraham Drinkin.

Help us come up with more. It has to be a character from American History to celebrate today as well as some sort of alcohol theme.

Here's what we have so far (some are better than others) :

Abraham Drinkin

John Wilkes Booze
...

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In the land of Cheerios...

In the land of Cheerios there is a cast system. At the top there are the king and queen Cheerios, next come the noble Cheerios, then the night Cheerios who are responsible for law enforcement in the land, then come the peasant Cheerios who are somewhat oppressed but work hard and get by, and then th...

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I was at an amusement park with my friends.

They all said the invisible roller coaster was great, but I didn't see the attraction.

[NSFW] "What was your first time like?"

Three friends are chilling in a bar, drinking and talking. One of them asks "What was your first time like?"

The first guy says "My first time was like riding a roller coaster. It started slow, then got really intense and fun, but it ended too quickly."

The second guy says "My first t...

The teacher asks all the students to draw something on the board that's exciting...

All the other kids draw rockets, jet planes, roller coasters, and so on. But little Johnny goes up to the board, draws a dot, and sits down.

The teacher says "Johnny, there's nothing exciting about a dot. How can a dot cause excitement?"

Johnny replies "That's not a dot, it's a period,...

Roman Rollers

Back in the days of the Roman Empire, the famous Emperor Nero instituted a new game.

The players would take those little disks you set your glass on in order to protect the furniture, and see who could get the most distance rolling them across the floor.

They were the first roller coas...

On the day of Michael Jackson's death

The two paramedics arrive at Neverland Ranch to find Michael unconscious and not breathing.

The rookie says to the veteran "What should we try first?"

"I reckon the roller coaster."

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