Clipped Jokes - 30 Hilarious Clipped Jokes

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Jack Russle and Great Dane at the vets...

A Jack Russell and a Great Dane are in the waiting room at a vets...

JR: "Why are you here ?"

GD: "Fuck off."

JR: "No, come on, let's be friendly, we're both dogs, we don't want to be here, we should support each other,"

GD: "<sigh>"

JR: "I'll tell you why I'...

Did you hear that the Great Flying Phoenix decided to get his wings clipped?

Now he just goes by Joaquin Phoenix.

I just clipped the worst ingrown toe-nail...

It was a feet.

A new group of auto thieves have been pickpocketing keychains clipped to tourists' bags and belts.

Authorities say to be on the lookout for these Pirates of the Carabiners.

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Three rottweilers at the vet

So Three Rottweilers are at the vet in the waiting room, to be seen. They are looking at each other with curiosity.

One finally talks to one of them and asks, what are you doing here?

The other explains to him, that he was lying quietly in the sun in the front garden when the postman ...

What do you call someone addicted to Pedicures?

A Clipped toe maniac

My wife’s dog got to where it wouldn’t listen to her.

So she took it to the vet. The vet said no wonder it won’t listen I’ve never seen that much hair in a dogs ears. He clipped some out and said goto the pharmacy and buy a bottle of nair hair remover.

Put a little on a qtip and rub back in there and that’ll take care of the problem.

So...

Two dogs, a Doberman and a German Shepherd, are in the vet's waiting room, and the German Shepherd says to the other "What are you in for?"

"Oh," says the Doberman, "I went for the postman. He said I ought to be put down, but my owner pleaded with him until he said that if she got me castrated instead then he wouldn't take it any further. So that's what I'm in for. How about you?"

"Oh," says the German Shepherd, "my owner was c...

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A Poodle, a Cocker Spaniel & a Great Dane are sitting in a veterinarian's waiting room.

The Great Dane asks, "What are you fellas here for?" The Poodle says, " The other night my owner had his boss and his wife over for dinner. I'd been feeling frisky all day and the wife's leg was looking good, so I jumpd up and started humping the heck out of it. She freaked out, my owner was furiou...

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Headaches.

A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear. He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me."

The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?"

"I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was m...

Engineers!

Background information:

In India we have long distance trains which are pulled using engines and have toilet facilities, and seats which double as beds. It issues two types of tickets one is to ride the train (used by people to travel short distances, 8-10hrs) and another is to ride the train...

A mother traveled across the country to watch her only son get married and graduate from the air force on the exact same day.

“Thank you for coming,” the son said. “It means so much.” “Of course I’d be here,” the mother replied. “It’s not every day a mom watches her son get his wings and have them clipped all in one day.”

We were driving down the road when a koala cut ahead of us and knocked into the car.

We sped up alongside of him and yelled out "Hey, you clipped us."

A lady is sitting in the vet waiting room with her German Shepherd...

The man sitting next to her says, "that's a beautiful dog you have there. Is he sick?"

The lady says, "No not really. It's just that every time I get down on all fours to clean my floor, he mounts me from behind and starts to hump me."

The man says, "Oh, so you're going to have him n...

Pierre the French Canadian got a job roofing

He was taking 100 lb bundles of shingles up the ladder to the roof. On his way up, the roofer slipped and pushed a bundle down on him. It clipped the side of his head, slicing off his ear. Everyone on the job site helped him look for his ear on the ground. One guy finally hollered “found it”. Pierre...

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Three Dogs Are Sitting in the Vet's Waiting Room

The dogs ask each other what they're in for.

The first dog sadly says, "I just can't help myself when it comes to the mailman. I just get so angry when he walks up to the door that I bit him. Now I'm being put to sleep."

The second dog says, "Oh no, that's terrible. I'm a barker myself...

Materialism

A Wall Street broker parked his brand new Lamborghini on the street at the front of his office so that all of his coworkers could see it and envy him. As he was opening the door, a cab flew by, clipped the door, and then kept going. The broker sat there for a moment in shock, staring through his w...

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There were 3 men.

There were 3 men who grew up together in a small town Jim, George, and Jerry. They were known for the quirks, Jim being a fire bug, George being a nature lover, and Jerry being a deep sea diver. One day Jerry happens upon a bottle with a note on it along the coast. He rushed to show his friends hi...

Jokes from the 90's seem popular here. How about one from the 80's?

Little Timmy had a severe stutter. However, his mother decided that this was no reason for him to not live a normal life, and so decided he should try taking the bus to school on his own.

"It's very simple," she assured her nervous boy. "When you board the bus tomorrow morning, tell the cond...

Two farmers each buy a pig at the market

The farmers, let’s call them Clarence and Earl (because those are the only names I can think of that sound like the names farmers would have), decide that in order to save money they would keep the pigs in the same pen. Clarence then tells Earl, “let’s clip the ear off of one of the pigs so we can t...

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Shamus....

Ya see tha' wall over there lad? I built that wall. I built that wall with mine own two hands. I chiseled every brick, laid every speck of mortar.

But they don't call me Shamus the wall builder, no.

Ya see tha' dock down there lad? I built that dock with mine own two hands. I drove e...

Two Dogs Are In The Vet

Two dogs are in the vet office, waiting to be seen. The first dog turns to the one to his left and asks, "what are you in for?"

The other dog looks at him sadly and says, "our neighbors got a really smoking hot poodle, so I jumped the fence and did her right then and there. I'm here to get ne...

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2 dogs were at the vets

One says to the other "what are you here for?" The other says "my owner got sick of me fucking her everytime she bends over, so I'm being put to sleep". "That's terrible!" The first dog says.

"What about you, what are you here for?"

The first says "I've also got a habit of fucking my...

Vets waiting room

Two dogs in a vets waiting room. 1st dog is old, grey around the muzzle has a bad limp and smells bad.

2nd dog, much younger, says to the old dog, '' Why are you here today '' Old dog replies, ''I am going to be put to sleep, i'm in very bad health, and my time has come''

Young dog...

The Dog Pound

Three dogs were in a cage at the city pound: A Pit Bull, a German Shepherd and a Great Dane. The Pit Bull told the others "I was eating my dinner and my owner's two year old niece tried to grab my food, so I ripped out her throat. Now they are going to put me to sleep."

The German Shepher...

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It's a dog's life

Three pitbulls are sitting in the waiting room of the local vet's, when one pitbull says to another "What you in for?" The pitbull replies "I bit the postman so I'm here to be put to sleep" the pitbull turns to the other pitbull and asks him "What you in for?" The other pitbull replies "I got loose ...

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The Dogs

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, discussing why they were there. The first dog, a poodle, told his woeful tale.

"My owners bought the great new sports car with leather seats. They took me for a ride in it one day, and I was so excited, I couldn't help myself. I we...

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A Labrador, Rottweiler and German Shepard are sitting in the waiting room of the Vet clinic...

The Labrador looks over to the other two and asks

"What're you boys in for?"

The Rottie says "Ahh man, well for years the Mailman's been taunting me, and just the other day I found the back gate open as he arrived. I knew this would be my fate, but I couldn't help myself and I bit him...

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3 dogs

(All spoken in Dog language!)
Three dogs were locked up at the vet, the first asks one of the other dogs,
"why are you here ?"
He replies, "I really love sleeping on the couch they have been telling me for years but it's so comfortable, I just can't help it, so they are putting me down"<...

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3 men go to Kmart to buy condoms..

...the first one is 75 years old. He asks one of the clerks which aisle the condoms can be found. She tells him Aisle 5. When he gets to Aisle 5 he sees another clerk, a very attractive female, putting boxes of condoms on the shelf. She asks him if she can help him. He explains he would like to buy ...

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