I wanted to buy a noose on Amazon...

But there are no reviews for it...

A girl asked me if I knew how to tie a noose.

I told her that if she came over I could show her the ropes and then we could hang

High school is like a noose

Extremely painful but it's over before you know it.

Today I read the noose found in Bubba Wallace’s garage wasn’t really a noose...

Fake Noose Media

I tried tying a noose once...

... I never got the hang of it.

Why did an old man love his noose so much?

Because in the end, it was the only thing that didn't let him down.

The FBI has determined the rope in Bubba Wallace's garage was a door pull and not a noose.

I guess no noose is good news.

A man murdered his wife and was sentenced to death.

There was a crowd waiting around the gallows to watch. As the hangman put the noose around his neck, he was asked, “Do you have any last words?”

The murderer said, “Yeah, I have a joke that I came up with while I was waiting.

“So, I hadn’t showered for a week by the day I killed my wif...

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

What is this? A noose?

No, I think knot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got a tattoo of a rooster in a noose on my shin.

I've always wanted a cock that hangs below my knee.

Breaking Noose!

Man fails to commit suicide!

Me to my noose making instructor:

Hey, I think I’m starting to get the hang of this!

The instructor: No, you’re knot.

The legend of the three kingdoms

There were three kingdoms, each bordering on the same lake.For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lke.One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires.

The ni...

There were once three square kingdoms on different sides of a triangular river.

One night, the king of the first kingdom invited all the people of all three kingdoms over to the castle to celebrate his daughter’s 18th birthday. All the people of the kingdoms were enjoying themselves, until an argument between the three kings broke out between whose daughter was the most beautif...

Damn... girl got a caboose like a noose.

It chokes me up.

A Rabbi, A Noose, A Sapling . . .

A young rabbi was out for a walk when he came across an older man sitting next to a newly-planted sapling. Around the man’s neck was a noose, with the other end of the rope tied to one of the tree’s twigs.

The rabbi greeted the man, then said, “May I ask what you’re doing?”

“What does ...

BREAKING NEWS: The president was found in his office after trying to commit suicide, his statement:

"Fake noose."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw a dead man with a noose around his neck with his penis fully erect.

Needless to say, he was hung.

How did the mathematician kill himself?

With a hypote-noose

A hangman was showing his apprentice around the gallows...

A hangman was showing his apprentice around the gallows when they arrived at all the different nooses

“Why do you need so many nooses?” Asked the apprentice

“Well you see, the first one is the 5 o’clock noose. The second one is the 7 o’clock noose and this third one is the 9 o’clock n...

I found a noose online that claimed to have a 100% success rate

They must have been right because there were no customer reviews

Far off, in a distant land, there were three kingdoms.

Each kingdom had faced a side of a triangular lake. The first kingdom was the youngest, and wealthiest kingdom. They have the most business, biggest buildings, and the strongest military.

The second kingdom, is about 50 years older than the first. They aren't the wealthiest, but they are wel...

The Island Joke.

There was an island with three kingdoms on it. Let's call them A, B and C. The island had a fresh water lake on it and the lake itself had an island. The three kingdoms always kept fighting over this island.

One day the three kingdoms decided to settle this dispute once it for all and sent sm...

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides. The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is more humble, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.


The kingdoms ...

What do you call an annoying rope?

A noose-ance

A man is brought to the gallows to be executed.

As they're putting the noose around his neck, he's asked if he has any last requests. he asked for a high five. But they left him hanging.

Once upon a time in a far away land...

There's a triangular lake, with three kingdoms on each side of the triangle.

The first kingdom is very rich, and the people are content. It has a very competent army, with a squire for every knight, and a total of twenty thousand knights. There is no hunger in the land.

The second kin...

Did you hear about the hate crime in NASCAR the other day?

Turns out, it was just some fake noose.

How did CNN react to Jeffrey Epstein's death?

Fake noose!

Some people claim Epstein killed himself.

Others are calling it fake noose.

Once upon a time, there was a triangular lake.

On each side of this lake there was a kingdom. Kingdom 1 was rich and proud. They showed off their wealth at every corner. Kingdom two was wealthy as well, but was humble about it. Kingdom 3 was in great debt, and was struggling to keep their citizens alive.

One day, the kingdoms started a wa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three kingdoms border a lake in the shape of an obtuse triangle

One kingdom lies on each side of the lake. For decades, the king's had argued over it's true owner, each claiming to be the first kingdom to settle there, and many tales of magical swords and godly favours to claim divine right. Eventually, this storytelling and legal battling came to no conclusion,...

Our country needs a moment of silence. President Trump has just committed suicide.

Oh wait no he didn’t, just fake noose.

What do you call someone who brings a poorly tied rope to the gallows?

A bearer of bad noose.

BREAKING: The President's recent suicide attempt failed last night when the rope broke. His statement:

"Fake noose."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and an American are in a plane that crashes in the Amazon...

They are swiftly captured by a tribe of cannibals. The leader of their tribe tells them that outsiders from the sky are to be sacrificed for the good of the people. They will be cooked alive, the village will feast on their flesh, they will make weapons from their bones, and use their skin for canoe...

Why can't Donald Trump be hung for treason?

Fake Noose

I witnessed a suicide. [OC]

I was hiking up a fairly large hill, could be considered a small mountain, that had a steep cliff near the top. I saw a man standing there with a noose tied around his neck, the other end was tied to the cliff.

I told him that he shouldn't do it, theres more to life than this. He started clim...

Kim Jong Un didn't kill himself.

It was fake noose.

How do you know when a lawyer is well hung?

You can't get your fingers between their neck and the noose.

My depressed roommate is into autoerotic asphyxiation

Every time I see a noose around his head, I don't know if he's coming or going

What do you call reports that Jeffrey Epstein didn’t actually hang himself but instead was murdered?

Fake noose.

Snow everywhere, it's Christmas time...

The man looks at the tree.

"Only one last thing left to hang!"

He grabs a noose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The mosquito that brings disease...

A village elder is brought a mosquito caught from a swarm. The townsfolks fear it may bring disease. So the elder says - "I will take this mosquito, and I will determine the aspects of the disease that it may bring." The elder rips up the mosquito into pieces. He places each one into a tiny square d...

There was once a land, far away, and many years ago, that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake.

There was once a land far away and many years ago that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake. They often warred and casualties were fierce. So they agreed to hold a tournament of all their champions on an island in the middle of the lake. The first being rich and influential sent twenty Knight...

Jussie Smollett has made some scathing comments on the new indictments against him.

According to him, it’s all based on fake noose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake....

There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and ...

Donald Trump gets executed

and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly.

"But Donald, CNN says you were killed!" Ivanka cried.

"Nope!" Donnie beamed, holding up the ro...

In Medieval Europe, there once was a triangular lake.

This triangular lake was quite large; so large, in fact, that three separate kingdoms were built on each side of this lake. These kingdoms were very different one from another.
The first kingdom was the richest - smooth stone walls built like a fortress, lavish houses for all, and a generous king...

If Jesus was killed in 1865,

Christians would be walking around with nooses around their neck instead of crosses.

What were Donald Trumps last words before he was hanged?

"Fake noose, folks!"

Donald Trump is standing in the gallows...

The executioner is fitting the rope around his neck.

Below the platform are all the news networks. They are all clamoring for a final statement before the man is hanged for his crimes.

Trump simply smiles and shakes his head.

Finally, one question is heard above the roar of the...

Whenever I tell people about my suicide attempts, they all say that I should get help.

Literally no one is ever actually willing to solder the wires or tie a proper noose for me though.

I recently found out that suicide by rope typically uses a running knot.

That's noose to me.

What do bottoms use to kill themselves

a-noose

Once upon a time there were three kingdoms.

They all bordered a large lake, which created trade and travel for all three kingdoms. Eventually, the ruler of the first kingdom decided that it wanted to control the whole lake. With his superior navy, he took control. In the generations to follow, his kingdom prospered. The second kingdom tried i...

If Thanos hangs himself

He'd use a thanoose

Girls say they like a guy who is hung

But when they walk in and I am stung up by a noose they freak out

A man was sentanced to death

His execution would be by the noose at the gallows.

With the executioner readying him, about to cuff him when the priest asked the man with the rope around his neck if he had any last requests.

The man said "yes." *He raised his hand into the air just in time to prolong his cuffing by...

Manafort and Cohen flip on the President. Trump is convicted of treason. He is 'hung by the neck until dead.' Miraculously, minutes after his hanging, he walks out of the gallows and addresses the press:

"Fake noose, folks."

I must say I'm shocked by Jeffrey Epstein's suicide.

How did he get the noose around his chin?

How can you tell when a man is well hung?

When you can barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Did you hear about the mime that hung himself at the Trump Rally?

He's fine. It was just Fake Noose.

A Western Joke (OC)

Three brothers, Marty, Jim, and Joe Sly, were apprehended robbing a small town bank after shooting the security guard.

The judge sentenced them to death by hanging, but the people realized they didn't have a gallows.

They used a square box for the base, put a heavy pot on a raised pl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once, there were three kingdoms by a lake.

The first was very rich and powerful, while the second was on a good slope up top. The third was an absolute shitshow, and had nothing to show for itself.

One day, the three kingdoms found out that there was a lot of gold and riches deep in the lake, and all of them claimed it. To decide on o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man lost an arm...

A dark humoured joke told to me by an old fellow, so ye have been warned:

A man had lost an arm.
He grew extremely depressed because of this, to the point where he was prepared to kill himself.
The noose was set, but out the window something caught his eye:
A man with no arms, and he...

I just read North Korea sentenced Trump to death by hanging for calling Kim Jong-un 'short and fat'.

Fake Noose?

I set my alarm 30 minutes before I need to get up every morning

I need 10 minutes to snooze, 10 minutes to sit on the end of my bed hating life, and 10 minutes to convince myself to take the noose off.

This one is sure to rope you in

A rumor was circulating around work that a coworker had hung himself. We were all pretty taken aback by it as he was kind of the office clown, always cheerful and cracking jokes. He just didn't seem like the type. We were even more taken aback when he showed up to work the next day, healthy as can b...

Donald Trump is convicted of treason

His punishment is hanging. On the day of his execution, the rope is tied around his neck as thousands watch. The floor drops, but Trump is unharmed. The noose was fake.

My favourite Math pun

There were once 3 kingdoms that bordered the same lake. In the middle of the lake there was an island, and the 3 kingdoms had been fighting over it for years. No one seemed to be able to keep the upper hand for very long and no one had been victorious. The wars over this little island were very cost...

King Hype Oten ruled all the land.

He was the magnificent king of the Triangular Kingdom, but he was also the executor for those on trial. He hung his victims, a sign to everyone else. But the way he tied the noose was strange. It would kill people in seconds, and for some, it decapitated them. After he died, the noose was never used...

Swedish superstition

An American woman is married to a Swedish guy. Their marriage is otherwise happy but (i) they are both in Reddit and (ii) she has noticed that every now and then he seems to disappear in the middle of the night and come back with a strange smell about him.
Then one night she's not quite asleep ye...

You know what the worst thing about execution by hanging is?

It’s such a noose-ance.

After binge watching CNN, fox, and msnbc - simultaneously - for nearly two days - a man decided he would hang himself in protest of the media's lack of integrity...

Thankfully was unsuccessful. The rope broke.

He probably would be dead right now if not for that fake noose.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The monkey and the Lion

Deep down in the depths of the jungle, the fierce lion roared at the monkey who had just made it up his tree.

"Oh monkey why won't you come on down !" He roared .

"NO, your going to eat me!"

"I'm not little monkey, I'll ask tiger to tie my front paws up. "

The lions fr...

A rancher and his family have a milk cow...

A rancher and his family have a milk cow, and not much else to their name. The milk is the sweetest, toppest grade dairy around.

One day, the rancher wakes up and finds his milk cow dead. Unable to face life with his sole source of income gone, he sets up a noose in the barn and takes his lif...

I was about to kill myself yesterday...

Had the noose tied and stool ready. Just when I was about to hang myself, I decide to call the National Suicide Hotline. I told them that I was going to hang myself. They said "Hang on for a moment".

What do you call it when an incel threatens to kill himself when someone doesn't respond to his desperate and creepy messages?

Fake noose.

A guy wants to commit suicide

A guy wants to commit suicide but he has tried in the past and failed. This time he is ready and has a failsafe plan. He decides that he is going to swallow poison, shoot himself in the head and hang himself at the same time. He goes to the local bridge and ties a rope around the railing. He places ...

Whats Donald Trumps least favourite game?

Consequence free hangman.
He doesn't like the fake noose.

A spy is captured by terrorists in a hostile country. [Long]

The terrorists lock him in a windowless room with a chair, a table, and five items on the table. The terrorist comes in and says that each day, the man may pick one of the items to be removed. On the last day, the terrorists will kill him with the remaining item. The spy looks at the table to see a ...

What did the condemned prisoner say when he was informed that the hangman forgot the rope?

No noose is good noose.

I asked a criminal what he thought about the gallows?

He said,

"No noose is good noose."

There are three kingdoms, one on each side of a roughly triangular lake...

One of the kingdoms is marvelous, almost every house build lavishly, the royal castle made of gold, protected by an army of shining, masterful knights. This gold kingdom is the most wealthy of the three.

One of the kingdoms is modestly wealthy, each house built to last and the castle a beauti...

How did Keemstar kill himself?

He got right into the noose.

What did the executioner say to the death row inmate who had their execution date expedited?

Boy have I got noose for you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Russian version of the guillotine joke (different punchline)

(fyi: Russian belief is that if anything goes wrong during the execution, it is divine intervention, and it is every bad mojo to try to execute a 2nd time if the prisoner survived.)

So...

The Germans catch 3 spies in Berlin during WW1. A Frenchman, an American, and a Russian. They wan...

Skin Canoes

Three men were exploring the deepest part of an african jungle. The come across a cannibalistic tribe that tied them to stakes and began a bonfire.

The chief walked up to the men and said,
"Three things happen tonight. First, you will die. Second, you will be eaten and your bones licked cl...

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