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Robin Hood was dying

Robin Hood was dying. He had lived a great many years, and now he was old, grey, and bedridden. He put out messages for all his friends to see him; and so at the appointed hour, Maid Marian, Little John, Friar Tuck, and the rest of the Merry Men gathered in his bedchamber.

"Maid Marian, my l...

Just spent the last hour tightening every bottle top and jar in my house…

That will teach my wife for saying she doesn’t need me anymore…

An Irishman, a Scotsman and an Englishman are on a plane.

The engine dies and they know they're screwed.
Looking around the cabin they find only two parachutes.

The Englishman says "I'm the richest so I should get one of them. My money can do the most for the world"

The scotsman says "my families the biggest so I should get one, there'd be...

A Roman Famine

Long ago in Ancient Rome, there was a great famine all across the land. As food became ever more scarce many people found themselves tightening their belts to get by. And inevitably, a man was taken to court for the crime of having committed cannibalism against his wife.

Due to the horrific n...

NSFW: Too Tight!

So I just heard this one from, believe it or not, my sweet old mom. I'm not sure if it's original or not.

An older woman goes to a plastic surgeon who has perfected a fantastic new technique. As he's doing a face lift he installs a little screw on the top of each clients head. This way, ...

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A beautiful young woman is sunbathing on the beach of an upscale resort, when she feels a buzzing in her vagina.

Alarmed, she runs to her father for help. "I think there's an insect in my coochie!" she tells him, frantically dancing from the buzzing sensation.

They call up the resort's resident doctor. He takes her into his office for an examination.

"Yup. It looks like a bee has crawled into yo...

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A priest visits a mechanic to get his annual car maintenance

The mechanic says his car is in good shape and that it shouldn't take too long so it wouldn't hurt to wait around a bit. As the mechanic was finishing putting the wheels back on the car he notices the priest's concerned look.

"What's the matter sir?"

"Oh, I had a wheel come loose last ...

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My favorite medical joke

A lady in her 50s goes to see a plastic surgeon.
"Doctor, I'd like to do something about these wrinkles on my face, but I live out in the country and I don't want to have to keep coming back to see you often."
He says, "Sure, well we have this new device called 'The Knob.' Basically we just i...

Lost in africa

Two friends became lost during a safari in Africa. Whilst discussing how to find their way out, they heard a viscous snarl to their left. Upon looking they saw what appeared to be a very hungry leopard. At that sight, one of them bent down and started tightening his shoe laces.

His friend sai...

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