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Claiming Jokes

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All those people claiming Donald Trump is like Hitler need a reality check.

After all, its not like Donald Trump could write a book.

Edit: alot of people moaning in the comments "this is a stupid joke, Trump did actually write some books so this makes no sense!?".

Look at the sub you are in, some of these posts you'll see will just be jokes. If you are the sn...

What's it called when a female member of a religious community keeps claiming that she can see things others can't?

Habitual nunsense

Multiple reports claiming Sting has been kidnapped

The Police still have no lead.

I met a person claiming to be the greatest lumberjack.

I asked "How do you know, you are the greatest"

Well, have you ever heard of the sahara forest ?

I replied you mean the Sahara desert ?

Well I guess they call it that now.

Who runs Mexican Amazon?

Jeff Pesos

It's a silly joke but I thought of it on my own today! I found a 200 peso bill on the ground today and I was saying pesos in different accents out loud with a coworker when the joke popped into my head. I don't think I've heard it anywhere before. After I got home and searched it h...

How many Texas cops does it take to save children from an active shooter?

Still under investigation.







Edit: For those who assume I think any part of this situation is funny... [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black\_comedy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_comedy). Also who gave me a Wholesome award? That's seriously messed up.

Edit ...

People keep claiming I caused a car accident

I don’t know what they’re talking about because I did it on purpose

Can you believe I was thrown out of my church for claiming Jesus spoke with a lisp?

It was a real slap in the faith...

My friend called me for help, claiming he had turned into a harp.

I raced over there only to find he was a lyre.

Went on a site claiming to offer the best diet programme...

The first thing it asked me is if I accept cookies!

A Woman walks in the forest and meets a genie.

A woman one day takes a hike around the forest by her house, to take some time off from people.

She stumbles upon a teapot, grabs it, and (obviously) rubs it. A Genie appears:

"Hello lady, you've released me from my trap. Now I shall grant you 3 wishes, but theres a catch. Whatever I g...

I’m not claiming my neighbor is in the mob, but...

There was a mole in my yard and I asked him to help me kill it.
He asked if it needed to look like an accident.

My wife got onto me the other day, claiming I spent too much time moistening food while cooking!

Thinking the accusation was ridiculous, I asked:

"Baste on what?"

She said: Your meat.

A man walks into a bar claiming he has a talking dog

He goes up to the counter and bets the free drinks all night if he can prove his dog can talk to which the bartender agrees.


The man asks the dog, “What is on top of a house?”


“Roof!” says the dog.


Not good enough according to the bartender so the man tries again. ...

A Doctor claims to treat patients with 100% Results otherwise he will give 100$

A man walks inside the clinic and says **"Doctor, I have lost my taste buds. I can't feel the taste of anything."** The Doctor replies **"Don't worry. I will give you a syrup and you wil regain your taste buds. Nurse, pls give him the blue bottle."** The man drinks the content of the blue bottle and...

I am sick of people claiming that white people can't dance

Have they never heard of Michael Jackson?

Three vampires are arguing amongst themselves.

Each is claiming to be the most vicious.

The first one suddenly runs off, and comes back in fifteen seconds, blood dripping from his mouth.

'See that house over there?' he says, pointing. 'I've killed all of the family members inside and sucked their bodies dry of blood.'

The s...

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Couple claiming Virginity:

Couple claiming Virginity:
Girl:If this Is your 1st time,then how did u do it so well?

Boy:If this Is your 1st time,then how do u know that i did well???

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses careful...

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Captain Hook is claiming that he was sexually assaulted by his first mate some years ago.

It's a classic case of he said, Smee said.

I was dating a girl claiming to be related to King Louis the XVI and got mad

after I declared "so no head?"
Immediately she begins storming off

My friend threw away some Nag Champa I bought for them claiming to be allergic to it.

I feel like they are very incense-itive.

Did you hear about the documentary claiming the twin towers were brought down by a large sneeze?

Gesundheit 9/11.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A compulsive liar walks into a doctor's office claiming to be constipated...

The doctor tells him he's full of shit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Arabian oil tycoon met this very attractive lady and fell absolutely in love with her. so he proposed to her, claiming he would be able to grant her anything in the world. The lady not wanting to offend him by rejecting him outright, thought of ridiculous requests that are near unfulfillable

For the first request she said she'll only marry him if he buys her a 1000 acre mansion, thinking that there isn't and give up. Surprisingly the tycoon said "Ok, I build I build" and immediately gets his butler to contact a construction company to build it.

Next the lady decided to make her ...

A pastor was charge for assault after claiming he was a pacifist.

He also stated that if anybody disrespects the Bible they will catch these pastor fist.

My girlfriend claims I can’t carry on claiming to have French-Italian heritage when people ask me where I’m from.

Corsican.

Greenpeace have come up with a new name for shrimp hunting, claiming it's the same as mass murder.

They're calling it columbrine

A women stopped me in the coffee shop the other day claiming she met me through a vegetarian-only dating website...

but I had never met herbivore.

Rick Santorum is claiming that Mitt Romney and Ron Paul have teamed up against him...

Which is kind of ironic — that Santorum can be brought down by two men forming a civil union.

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