My Nan recently claimed that she once gave a handjob to Albert Einstein...

What a stroke of genius.

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..

Bill Gates has often claimed how hard it is to give away 100 billion dollars.

Then he discovered divorce.

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A man running for office claimed he was celibate...

Therefore he said "by voting for me there is no way I can fuck you over"

An explorer claimed the Ancient Egyptians had Bitcoin technology before anyone else!

He stumbled upon a tomb filled with ancient gold money, and shouted “Look at this crypt! Ohh currency!!”

Two american jewish men send their sons to Jerusalem to learn about their culture.

A year later the two are having a chat:

-- I am so disappointed in my son, I don't know what to do... Once he returned, he claimed to have become christian!

-- My son as well, this is a tragedy.

-- We should go see our Rabbi, maybe he can guide us.

The two then visit the...

My boyfriend claimed size doesn't matter.

But then the wallpaper he put up all fell off.

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A Bishop has been arrested for failing to stop sexual abuse happening directly in front of him. He claimed he was powerless to stop it

because he could only move diagonally.

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I met a man who claimed he was constipated

I think he was full of shit.

They claimed I'd never steal their eyes...

If only they could see me now!

Girlfriend moved out

Before she left, she claimed I was too much into football.

And we were only together for 3 seasons!

Stuttering Bible Salesman

A pastor concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who wo...

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Guy giving a lecture, on the paranormal.

Guy: "How many people believe in Ghosts?"

About 60 hands go up.

"How many have seen a ghost.?"

About 15 hands go up.

"How many have of you have spoken to a ghost.?"

3 hands go up.

"How many have had sex with a ghost?"

One hand goes up, Abdul right at ...

My friend claimed that all Jersey girls are trash.

I said that isn't true, trash gets picked up.

A man was found dead in his apartment. His friends claimed he died because he bet that he could eat $500

The autopsy concludes that, indeed, he put his money where his mouth was

Friendship Among Men

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

Is Hell endothermic or exothermic?

The e-mail was on the weighty matter of the nature of hell, as allegedly posed by a Dr Robert Shambaugh of the University of Oklahoma school of chemical engineering. It purports to be a final exam question from May 1997.

His May 1997 question for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class ...

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court-martial long

I was an M.P in the British army for a number of years.
We get called Red Caps.


I was passing through the Canteen, Mess, food, hall.

I had to arrest 2 chefs and bring them before the court marshall.
Turned quite violent.


I got bruised and worse.

...

I dumped my girlfriend after she falsely claimed Netflix was the cheapest streaming service.

I refuse to associate with a Hulu-cost denier.

I got so annoyed at having to wait so long in the hospital waiting room that I decided to just barge into the nearest door to demand treatment. The paque claimed it belonged to Dr Essings.

But it was just full of bandages.

A friend just got an intellectual property lawsuit filed against him.

He told a «your mother» joke to someone, and the target of it claimed he’d come up with that joke first, and demanded compensation.

I have no idea which way it’ll swing, but I’m gonna bring popcorn to the trial where a judge decided whether someone’s mother is fair use or public domain…

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I was watching porn and I saw this add. It was for pills that claimed to make your penis 12 inches longer and I thought, “that’s ridiculous......”

“Nobody wants a 13 inch penis.”

It is claimed that Trump thought Finland was controlled by Russia

Finnish officials shrugged and said they thought the same was true of Trump

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Israel Health minister who previously claimed that CORONA Virus is “divine punishment against homosexuality.”

Has tested positive for the virus!!!

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Three women are sat at a bar, discussing the damage done by childbirth

Three women are sitting at a bar, all discussing life post childbirth. They get into a heated debate regarding who has the most stretched up pussy. Woman one claims that post childbirth she’s able to fit 4 fingers into it.

“That’s nothing!” Claimed woman 2, who proceeds to disclose she’d bee...

I saw a sign that said "Free Afghanistan"

But it turns out someone already claimed it.

My local church had troubles getting their insurance to pay for the lightning damage

The insurance claimed it was deliberate damage by the owner.

I recently read an article that claimed 77% of redditors don't understand the concept of percentages.

That's absurd, there isn't even that many of us.

In bogan speak, Sheila= typical Aussie girl and Bruce= typical Aussie boy.

Sheila didn’t come home one night. When Bruce asked her where she'd been she said she spent the night at a girl friend's house. Bruce was a bit suspicious she'd been sleeping around so he rang her ten closest friends, but none of them had seen her. Next week Bruce didn't come home one night. Sheila ...

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A regular at a popular bar got into a friendly bet with the bartender.

He challenged the bartender to a tasting contest.


He claimed that he could name any drink that the bartender could whip up. If he could name every one of them right, all his drinks would be on the house. If he lost, he had to pay for all his drinks, and an additional £50.


Amus...

There were once a man that was claimed to be the laziest man on earth

Nobody had seen him ever do anything but lay on his bed and breath. That's it.

On one day the people from the city where he lived wanted to know if he was actually the laziest person on earth. So they created a contest where the laziest person won a lot of money.

People from the whole ...

My dad claimed he could jump higher than a 7 foot fence.

Of course he was right though, Fences can't jump at all!

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An intestine claimed to have a higher IQ than the brain.

But the intestine was full of shit.

What'd the Gen Z-er say to the spice shop owner who claimed to have the largest spice plants of anyone around?

I'm here for a good thyme not a long thyme

A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport

A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden device called a "slide-rule"  as well as a code device called an "abacus" that he claimed was a calculator....

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The American Medical Association has weighed in on Trump's Coronavirus strategy

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologist had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.    Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring unde...

Donald Trump claimed his trips to Mar-a Lago didn’t cost the taxpayers anything.

He paid for them with Frequent Liar miles.

(Thanks, father in law)

A Mexican magician claimed he could disappear.

He counted down uno, dos, poof! He disappeared without a tres.

A man once challenged everyone that he can answer all questions with just two sentences.

The man claimed that all questions can be answered by either "None of your business" or "None of my business".

Then a wise man came to him, and asked, "Don't you think answering questions like that make people unhappy?"

The man replied with "None of my business."

The wise man th...

I met this european guy last night who claimed he was a well endowed white supremacist

Well, he said he was a hung aryan

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I’ve just seen an advert on Pornhub that claimed it could “teach me to have sex without cumming”

I’m not paying 25 bucks for that when I could just ask my girlfriend how she does it.

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