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Claimed Jokes

My wife thinks our friend is lying when he claimed that he scaled Mount Everest, but I disagree.

I think..he made it up.

A couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary when the wife claimed that her and her husband hadn’t argued since their wedding night.

After being asked about how they did it, the wife explains that after their wedding ceremony, they went and took a little honeymoon in a horse and buggy. The horse walked ten miles and stopped, refusing to go further.

“That’s one.” Said the wife. The horse looked back, walked another five ...

A Man Claimed I stole His Guitar.

I told him his accusations were bassless.

My Nan recently claimed that she once gave a handjob to Albert Einstein...

What a stroke of genius.

I lost $5 million dollars investing in a bogus company that claimed to be planning to produce life like/sized Henry Winkler dolls.

It was a Fonzie scheme.

I once met a man who claimed to be a mushroom

He's was a bit simple but a really fungi

The police recently arrested a man selling "secret formula" tablets he claimed gave eternal youth.

When going through their files they noticed it was the fifth time he was caught for committing this same criminal medical fraud.He had earlier been arrested in 1794, 1856, 1928 and 1983..

I dumped my girlfriend after she falsely claimed Netflix was the cheapest streaming service.

I refuse to associate with a Hulu-cost denier.

My wife has claimed I’m too obsessed with eighties music

I said to her “Don’t, don’t you want me?”

New data has claimed that only 52% of students leave school with an acceptable grade in Maths.

Safe to say I am part of the 34% that struggled with it.

A man in India claimed that he could predict the price of bread at every restaurant he went to

Absolute naansense

Google fired an employee who claimed their technology was sentient.

Which is sad, because he was Chrome's only friend.

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Did you hear about the ventriloquist who claimed that he could use a live donkey as a puppet?

Turns out he was just talking out of his ass.

My boyfriend claimed size doesn't matter.

But then the wallpaper he put up all fell off.

Some bloke on the bus claimed to have the lowest amount of hair follicles on earth..

I said bloody hell that's a bald claim

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A man running for office claimed he was celibate...

Therefore he said "by voting for me there is no way I can fuck you over"

They claimed I'd never steal their eyes...

If only they could see me now!

A man who claimed he'd found a £100 million Picasso in his attic, which later turned out to be fake, has been accused of selling more forgeries...

Police said when they went to arrest him, he made a terrible scream, which they've also taken as evidence.

My friend claimed that all Jersey girls are trash.

I said that isn't true, trash gets picked up.

I recently read an article that claimed 77% of redditors don't understand the concept of percentages.

That's absurd, there isn't even that many of us.

I met this european guy last night who claimed he was a well endowed white supremacist

Well, he said he was a hung aryan

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Guy giving a lecture, on the paranormal.

Guy: "How many people believe in Ghosts?"

About 60 hands go up.

"How many have seen a ghost?"

About 15 hands go up.

"How many have spoken to a ghost?"

3 hands go up.

"How many have had sex with a ghost?"

One hand goes up, Paddy right at the back.
...

Bill Gates has often claimed how hard it is to give away 100 billion dollars.

Then he discovered divorce.

A Mexican magician claimed he could disappear.

He counted down uno, dos, poof! He disappeared without a tres.

It is claimed that Trump thought Finland was controlled by Russia

Finnish officials shrugged and said they thought the same was true of Trump

A man claimed he could jump higher than his house...

A man was talking to his friend and he said, "Dude, I bet $20 that I can jump higher than my house." His friend replied, "Ok, deal."
They went outside and the man jumped a foot into the air. "Well, time to pay up!" said his friend. "Nope!", the man said, "You owe me $20!" "How?" "I jumped a foot ...

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My Great Grandfather claimed to know Poncho Villa

As children we would pester him to tell us if he really did meet such a villainous man. He would lean forward in his rocking chair and, with a heavy Spanish accent, would say, "When I was a young man, I would ride to town to get food for the family. On one of these days, a man in a large sombrero ri...

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An intestine claimed to have a higher IQ than the brain.

But the intestine was full of shit.

Islamic state claimed responsibility

for american presidential elections.

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Israel Health minister who previously claimed that CORONA Virus is “divine punishment against homosexuality.”

Has tested positive for the virus!!!

Friendship between men and women...

Friendship between women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day h...

A guy in my class just claimed that a ring-shaped coral reef is also an island.

But it's not an island, atoll.

My dad claimed he could jump higher than a 7 foot fence.

Of course he was right though, Fences can't jump at all!

My ex girlfriend recently claimed she had a great memory

She was definitely lying because it didn't take her long to forget me

When CBS interviewed R. Kelly, he claimed "I love my kids"

However, he seems to also be in love with other people's kids as well

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This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, ”Doctor, I haven’t had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”

The doctor smiled and said, ”Have you tried to give him Viagra?”
The lady frowned. ”Doctor, I can’t even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimed.
”Well,” the doctor continued, ”Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are having beans, stir it in,...

RE-PHRASE: People on Twitter claimed that if Dog the Bounty Hunter found Brian Laundrie before the government did, they would never pay taxes again

Well that certainly motivated the FBI

A 15 year old boy comes home with a Porsche

His parents began to yell and scream. “Where did you get that car?”

He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

“With what money?” Demanded his parents. “We know how much a Porsche costs!”

“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

The parents began to yell e...

There were once a man that was claimed to be the laziest man on earth

Nobody had seen him ever do anything but lay on his bed and breath. That's it.

On one day the people from the city where he lived wanted to know if he was actually the laziest person on earth. So they created a contest where the laziest person won a lot of money.

People from the whole ...

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I met a guy who claimed his jizz was rainbow colored

I asked him how that felt, to which he responded:

“I can’t complain”

Donald Trump claimed his trips to Mar-a Lago didn’t cost the taxpayers anything.

He paid for them with Frequent Liar miles.

(Thanks, father in law)

The Iowa Wage and Hour Department claimed a man owning a small farm was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well, there are my hired hands. One has been with me for four years; the other for three. I pay them each $600 a week, plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 a month plus ...

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I’ve just seen an advert on Pornhub that claimed it could “teach me to have sex without cumming”

I’m not paying 25 bucks for that when I could just ask my girlfriend how she does it.

A man was found dead in his apartment. His friends claimed he died because he bet that he could eat $500

The autopsy concludes that, indeed, he put his money where his mouth was

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A Bishop has been arrested for failing to stop sexual abuse happening directly in front of him. He claimed he was powerless to stop it

because he could only move diagonally.

She claimed to be a copy editor

but she had no proof.

I found a noose online that claimed to have a 100% success rate

They must have been right because there were no customer reviews

Some inmates claimed Blackbeard was best...

but I don't believe in cons' piracy theories.

The woman's bumper sticker claimed she was pro-life...

...but her reckless driving suggested otherwise.

Did you hear that Donald Trump claimed the Canadian Prime Minister uttered a falsehood?

It was Trudeau

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I met a man who claimed he hadn't had a bowel movement in nearly 3 weeks.

I'm pretty sure he was full of shit...

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I met a man who claimed to be able to make moonshine in his rectum.

He said it was the best moonshine he ever tasted and I absolutely had to try it. I thought "it would make for a pretty interesting story". Butt still...

The computer was claimed to answer anything correctly.

But the CEO didn't believe it, so he asked "Where's my father right now?". The computer beeped and whirred for a few seconds, and spat out "Your father is fishing in Canada". The CEO joyfully chortled "See, your computer isn't always right, my father died when I was 10 years old!" The computer sp...

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I used to know a guy who claimed he never took a shit in his life...

I stopped talking to him after I realized he was just full of shit.

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My mom said she had an aunt who claimed to never poop

She must've been really full of shit

I recently met an indian baker who claimed to be socially rebellious

He called himself a Naan-Conformist.

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