My wife asked me for a divorce today, citing that I was too "un-American".

I saw it coming from a kilometer away.

A scientist told me my climate change denial was wrong, citing the horrific brush fires we see wiping out swathes of vegetation all over the world.

I told him they were just plants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My brother's friend suspiciously flaked on lunch citing bad constipation. He asked me for my thoughts on it.

I told him his friend is full of shit.

You know what they say about citing a source with more than 2 authors..

It's not hard et al.

President Trump has tested positive for COVID-19

Doctors are expecting a swift recovery, citing that the virus is a hoax and fake news.

African conservationists call for the ban on hunting hippopotamus to be lifted, citing environmental concerns.

To me the whole thing seems so hippocritical.

Jesus and Satan were arguing over whom should be able to walk the Earth...

God stepped in and told both of them to draft a detailed, 7 page, 10 font, MLA format, report as to why they deserve it. He gave them 1 day to complete the report.

As they both were furiously typing and conducting web searches, and citing away, the final hour was upon them. All of the sudd...

Bed monsters

A guy had a fear that there was a monster living under his bed, and he decided to seek professional help. During the consultation, the shrink told him his situation was unusual but not unheard of. He can be cured, but it would take at minimum 6 session at $250 each.

The guy declined citing t...

I've decided to start listing the sources of my eggs.

It's very eggs-citing.

Bernard is sitting at the bar and slurs to the barman for another drink...

the barman, hearing how much he's clearly had, decides that it's time to chaperone this man out the back door, citing that he's clearly "had enough" for the night. A few minutes later, Bernard stumbles through the front doors again.
"BARman! Cahn ah plish haaav' adrink!"
The barman, again, doe...

Referenced my previous girlfriend in an academic paper

It was very ex-citing

A growing number of parents are trying to force feed their children.

Experts can offer no explanation. Citing, "Even Master Jedi use spoons."

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