UPJOKE
christmas eveturkeygoosepanettoneducktriflenochebuenachristmashamporkbanquetpierogistuffingchristmas cakecherry

Christmas Dinner Jokes

On a serious note, if anybody knows of any lonely people who will be eating Christmas dinner alone because they have no family or close friends, can the let me know?

I need to borrow some chairs

A 17 year old male walks into a drug store

He says "I've been invited to Christmas dinner at my new girlfriend's house. Afterwards I hope there is a chance I get lucky, you know what I mean"

Clerk: "How about condoms then? They could come in handy. Here's a pack." The young man after paying walks to the door, stops, smiles, comes back...

What’s the difference between a Christmas Dinner and a Hooters Waitress?

One is all pork and turkey.


The other is all talk and perky.

I made a traditional German dessert for this years' Christmas dinner.

Unfortunately, it was stollen.

With everything so expensive this year, it could be just German sausage and cheese for Christmas dinner.

But that's a Wurst-Käse scenario.

How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit?

No Brussels!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny and his family are preparing for Christmas dinner.

Johnny goes upstairs to his brothers room while he’s playing video games. His brother gets a kill and yells “Yeah, eat that bitch!”
Little Johnny asks, “Hey bro, what does that word mean?”
His brother looks around hurriedly and replies “It means uh...a lovely lady.”

Little Johnny goe...

What do you eat after a presidential christmas dinner?

Impeach cobbler

My wife's inappropriate Christmas dinner joke

Last night My wife and I were having Christmas dinner with her parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and a German neighbor who is a widow. We were talking about messing up while cooking meals and I mentioned the first time I cooked a turkey I cooked it upside down. The neighbor was incredulous that...

What international disaster occurred after someone dropped the Christmas dinner?

The downfall of Turkey, the overthrow of Greece and the destruction of China.

Over Christmas dinner, I accidentally let it slip I'd lied about my degree in biology.

Me and my big face-hole thingy.

What did the turmeric say when there was a knock on the door during Christmas Dinner??

"Cumin! Tis' the season!"

I heard a lot of British people had special Brexit Christmas dinners this year...

It's like regular Christmas dinner but without the brussels.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't think I'll attend Christmas dinner this year.

My wife gave me a haircut this morning, and now she said she's going to make Christmas dinner with all the trimmings.

Little Johnny wore his Halloween costume to Christmas dinner.

Dad allowed it since oct(31) = dec(25)

I found my first grey pubic hair last night.

Last time I ever eat Grandma's Christmas dinner

What does Miley Cyrus have for Christmas Dinner?

Twerky!

I thought of that yesterday, apologies if you've heard it a thousand times already.

Jesus's favorite gun

My uncle is a member of the NRA. He came over for the Christmas dinner wearing a shirt with Jesus on it. I noticed his shirt and complimented it.

He then took his jacket off and showed me the back. On it, Jesus was holding a PK in one hand and an AK-47 on the other. Above it was text th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear readers, this Christmas day, one in five children in London will not have a gift from Santa!!

one in five children in London will not have a christmas tree at home.

one in five children in London will not have a christmas dinner with their family.



This is not an advertisement for Red cross or Salvation Army, one in five children born in London are Muslims and they dont ...

I was at Christmas dinner with my family and I asked my Grandfather what he does for a living...

My Mother replied, "I'm a ventriloquist."

(True story) So my mother misplaced her prized red mixing bowl for cooking Christmas dinner with (despite having several other mixing bowls to utilize instead). She became increasingly panicked when she couldn't locate it, asking out loud repeatedly: "Where's my red bowl??"

So I responded: "Why do you need that particular one? Does it give you wings??"

Quebecois Joke from French Class

A young boy walks into a pharmacy, and says to the clerk,

“Can I have some weight-loss pills?”

“For your mother?”

“No, for my rabbit! Dad wants to kill it for Christmas dinner!”

The Johnsons are celebrating Christmas...

Little Timmy, who just turned 6, never speaks. He is always silent and all the family thinks he's got some kind of problem.

While all the family is enjoying Christmas evening dinner, suddenly, little Timmy stands up and says:

"-Uncle"

All the family is speechless...

Long ago, when dinosaurs walked the earth,...

A young Tyrannosaurus Rex was out on the hunt when he stopped to take a drink from a nearby lake.

There, cooling off in the water, he saw the most beautiful Triceratops in all of Pangea. He asked her her name and invited her to go out hunting but she told him she wasn't really into that kind ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy starts dating a new girl...

A guy starts dating a new girl and his first time meeting her parents is over Christmas dinner.

They are all seated around the table and he suddenly has the urge to fart and can’t hold it any longer so he lets it go. It’s semi loud and smells terrible.

The dad looks over at the dog s...

The husband in a married couple kept farting horribly in bed,

The husband in a married couple kept farting horribly in bed, for years, it was terrible. His wife suffered greatly and kept nagging him to do something about his indigestion, often saying, “One day, Trevor, your horrible farting is going to force your guts right out!”

The husband only made f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don’t know if this ones on here yet

John went to the store to pick up a ham for his family’s Christmas dinner. He goes to the meat counter and asks for a ham, “Try this damn ham” the man at the counter said. “Excuse me”
John said, “no that’s what they’re called, damn hams” the man said and handed John a damn ham. He pays for the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Christmas Joke

A married woman walks up to Santa Claus and tells him that all she wants for Christmas is for her husband to be interested in s*x.
Santa then proceeds to give her a bottle of pills. He tells her to give them a try and then let him know how it's working.
So she takes the pills home and puts o...

Little Billy

Little Billy wakes up full of excitement on Christmas day. He rushes downstairs as fast as his little legs will carry him. Being from a poor family his parents can't afford much but he's grateful for what he receives. A small pile of inexpensive gifts are quickly opened by the young boy.

A li...

So I asked my dad...

So I asked my dad during Christmas dinner if anything were home made?
He replied "definitely not you."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Hypnotist. (NSFW)

A hypnotist decides to try out his magic on his girlfriend, Meg, one evening. After a romantic dinner he rakes out his pocket watch and slowly starts swinging it from side to side. Transfixed she stares at it.
He says "When I say head, Meg, you will suck my dick, and when I say right nut, Meg, s...

My mother asked if I knew what I was gonna do next year.

I told her that I didn't have any clue due to the debilitating state of my eyesight. Ever since I was four years old, I have had severe astigmatism and the diametric measurement of my foveal avalascular zone. When I was seventeen, I was told of the very real possibility of being blind and the age of...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.