I was hanging out with my friend from Mexico the other day and he asked me how runny I like my cottage cheese.

I told him "No whey, Jose"

I don't get why they call it cottage cheese...

I always eat it in my apartment.

A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.

As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck.

The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.”

The woman, astounded, t...

Dad’s first drink with his son

I took my son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?...

A quiet cottage applied to be a part of the Boisterous Domicile Club

They refused him entry.

They said he wouldn't be a loud inn.

What do you call gangsters living in the woods?

Cottage G's.

Did you guys hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?

Da brie was everywhere!

It’s going to cost them a lot of cheddar!

Luckily they have a Swiss account saved up.

It surely won’t be gouda.

It even destroyed their onsite cottage!

What did the mouse build his house with?

Cottage cheese

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A walk on the beach

On my first (and so far only) visit to Hawaii, I was staying at a beautiful little cottage outside Hilo. There's a neat little place called Uncle's Awa Club, where they hold a farmer's market, live music, food of all kinds... Right in the lava zone, very remote.

I'd read about one of the boot...

The difference between Canadian and American men...

Back during WWII, an American GI met a Canadian soldier fighting along side him. The two fought together throughout the war and both made it home safely.

After the war, the two returned to their respective homes and decided to marry their respective sweethearts. The two became such good fri...

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Hugh the Blacksmith

So there are three friars living atop a mountain, and they tend to the most beautiful garden in all the land.

One day, one of the friars decides he could make a flower one hundred times prettier than all the other flowers in the garden, if only he could cross-breed a few that he had already.<...

A man is driving in the the remote wilderness of central Iceland

when his car broke down. After trying in vain to restart it, he got out, opened the hood and started tinkering with the engine. He was about to give up hope when he heard a voice behind him.

"That'll be your alternator. You've got an uneven air gap between rotor and stator and it's causing it...

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A man divorces his wife..

He's very aggravated and starts kicking items around the living room to take out the frustration. During his rampage he kicks over a bottle and a genie pops out.

The genie says "You have 3 wishes.."
"Great" the man said.
"But there is a condition, anything you get, your wife get...

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An American Man Moves to Scotland

Fed up with his life in the states he packs up everything he owns and moves to a tiny cottage in the far north highlands of Scotland. He lives there quietly content for over a month before meeting anyone.

One day the American hears a knock on his door and opens it to find his neighbor a big, ...

A man is walking along the beach when...

...he trips over an antique lamp. A genie pours out, ominous and towering. "Thank you, kind soul," the genie says, "I have been trapped in that lamp for so long. You're a gentleman and a scholar for freeing me."

"I'm no such thing," says the man, "I'm a simple man with simple needs."

"...

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How the Seven Dwarfs got their names..

Miss Snow White was a randy cow
And desperate for a fcuk,
So off she went into the woods
To try and get some luck.

She’d almost given up looking
When she saw some chimney smoke,
Then she stumbled on the cottage
And went on in for a poke.

Her clothes came off in second...

Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teen Is In Trouble

Sometimes stays in bed till after 6 am.

In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.

When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou suck!"

His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

Defiantly s...

Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar.

Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who is a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, “We don’t serve your kind in here.” One of the yogurt cartons says to him, “Why not? We’re cultured individuals.”

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The fisherman

A man and his wife are staying at a lake cottage when they notice a couple driving up one day with a "Just Married" sign on the back of their car. Every morning he sees the man who just got married head out to fish in a row boat all day long. After a week of seeing this, the man says to his wife, "I...

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer...

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned ...

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A Russian one (slightly NSFW)

In fact it's not a joke, it's what we call 'baika' here, a funny story from someone's life. So here it goes

A company of friends goes to Finnland. They move into a cottage village and one of them has to take a shit after this really long way 'train - ferryboat - bus'. And it turns out to be ...

The Italian bride

A newly married Italian couple is spending their honeymoon in the bride's mother's country cottage. It's the 1930s the bride’s father died long ago, and they don't have much money so this is the best they can do. The new bride, a lovely young woman, has never left her village and never been with a m...

Job Fatality in Ireland

An Irish woman is making supper when she hears a knock on the cottage door. It's the priest and he has his hat in his hand, looking solemnly at the ground.

She's says "oh no, it's bad news isn't it father!"

"Yes, tis" says the priest.

"About my husband?? is he dead, father?" She...

A cabbie and a priest are at the gates of Heaven...

St. Peter invites the cabbie and the priest into his golf cart, to show them to their new residences. Although the cab driver had spent his life speeding, drinking and scamming, he was dropped off at a beautiful lakefront mansion.

Seeing this, the priest thought to himself: "if that's where ...

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Never argue with a woman

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out herself.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read a book. ...

A man is very thirsty...

A man is very thirsty. As he is stumbling down the country road he sees a cow grazing in front of a cottage. "I'm saved!", he says to himself as he milks the cow and quenches his thirst.

The man knocks on the door to pay for the milk. "Your cow's milk saved me," he says. The home owner repli...

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3 Chinese tortures

A lonely and tired wanderer is rambling and ambling across China. He has been wandering, and pondering life for three days. He stumbles upon an old cottage and thinks, maybe I may stay here for the night, as three days without rest, food, or drink, is a long time, and he was quite tired. So, he knoc...

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Like the Book...

Disclaimer: I am retelling this joke exactly as I heard it, so I hope I don't get in trouble.

Little Red Riding Hood was sitting upstairs in her room listening to music, when her mum calls her down into the kitchen, so she heads downstairs. When Red enters the kitchen, her mum asks, "Little ...

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So a guy is hiking in a forest and it's getting dark

He's too far from his car to make it back by nightfall and the woods are dangerous at night. Luckily, he comes upon a clearing with a quaint little cottage in the centre. A middle-aged Chinese man is sitting outside the cottage watching the sunset.
The hiker asks the wizened man if he could stay ...

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The Devon Farmer

A Devon farmer is out walking his land one evening and sees a smartly dressed man crouching down by a stream, about to take a drink.

"ERE, ee dun wanna be doin at - tis full o arse piss and cow shite" says the farmer in his broad west country accent.

"I'm terribly sorry but I've just m...

Latvian Joke

Man sits in broken cottage with daughter. Man is cold and hungry. Man not have potato for days.
"Knock, knock" is heard at door.
"Who there is" man say.
"Politburo"
"Politburo who" say man.
Politburo burst in cottage rape daughter. Man now cold, hungry and sad.

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Murphy...

...had had a very rough life. He was orphaned at the age of four, and was physically abused at every foster home he lived in. When he made it to high school, he was determined to study hard and make something of himself. But he was a sickly boy, and missed so much school that he didn't graduate.<...

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Not part of the retirement plans.

A man takes early retirement and leaves the big
city for a crofter’s cottage in the Scottish
Highlands. After a month of isolation he hears a
knock on his door. He answers it and sees an
enormous Scottish farmer standing outside. ‘I
hear you’re new around here,’ says the farmer,
‘Y...

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Talking dog.

A man was driving through the countryside one day and he passed a nice little cottage and there was a sign outside saying 'Talking dog for sale'

so he pulled into the driveway and knocked on the door. An middle aged man answered.

"I believe you have a talking dog for sale?"

"Yes...

The fishing trip

A grandfather and grandson are away on a fishing trip. They get up early in the morning and go out in the boat. They manage to catch a few nice sized bass before going in for breakfast.

While eating breakfast the boy turns to his grandfather and says, "Grandpa, these plates are kind of dirty....

Drinking joke from Finland

Pekka and Jukka are sitting in a cottage in the middle of nowhere. For 3 days they are drinking like hell, before they finally run out of booze. So Pekka says to his mate: “Go and look in th shed. Maybe there’s something left we can drink.”
Jukka returns after a few minutes with a bottle of menth...

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The magic frog

There's a man who has fifty inch long penis. But he can't get any sex, because every woman who sees it faints at the sight. So he goes to the doctor and begs him to shorten it. But the doctor refuses - he can't shorten a perfectly good penis, he tells the man, but he does happen to know a witch who ...

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Great Hospitality

A traveller was driving through countryside when his car broke down. There was a cottage near by so he went up to it and knocked on the door. Sam opened the door.
"My car has conked out," said the traveller, "Where can I spend the night?"
"Why, right here of course!" said Sam, "Come in and a...