Guinea Jokes - 40 Hilarious Guinea Jokes

Where did the guinea pig go when the pet shop exploded?

Everywhere.

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

Where did the guinea pig end up when it came out of the closet?

Gnawnia

What is a guinea pig's favorite unit of time?

Wheeks.

I'm sorry.

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A man walks into a store...

He walks up to the counter and says, "I'd like three pounds of Polish sausage, please."

The clerk replies, "What are you, a fucking polack?"

Incensed, the customer responds, "Oh, so if I wanted Italian sausage would I be a dumb Guinea? Or if I wanted bratwurst would I be a stupid kraut...

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An Afghan, an Albanian, an Algerian, an American, an Andorran, an Angolan, an Antiguans, an Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian.....

.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Camer...

A Guinea pig is the perfect pet....

They only live for 5 days and you don't have to feed or water them.

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How often do guinea pigs have sex?

Once a wheek wheek wheek wheek!

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What do you call someone who hoards old English coins?

A guinea pig

What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?

A hamster

I was a Guinea pig in a new drug trial recently.

Then it wore off and I was a boring old human again

Son asks his Dad for five dollars so he can buy a guinea pig.

His Dad says, "heres ten now go find yourself a nice Irish girl."

Man goes to a pet store to get his wife an anniversary present.

He walks into the store, owner greets him and asks how he can help him. He glances at the pets I the store and sees birds, guinea pigs, fish and stuff.

Husband: "Today is our anniversary and I'm looking for something real special for my wife."

Owner: "Boy do I have something special fo...

A Russian, a French and a German tourist walk through New Guinea...

...when, suddenly, a cannibal tribe emerges from the jungle and attacks them. They're caught and brought to the village, where the tribe's chief walks out.

"Ah," he says, "nice to meet you! Now, we'll eat you, of course, that's our tradition, but it's nothing personal, I don't want you to thi...

I had to eat a dandelion and hay cake today made from my girlfriend's new recipe.

I think she's using me as a guinea pig.

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Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.

But what a cookie.

It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field o...

3 little pigs

A wolf goes to the house of the first pig, which was made of straw. "Come out you pig, or I will huff and puff and blow your straw house down".

The pig stays put and the wolf starts huffing and puffing. Frightened now, the pig sneaks out the back door just as his straw house starts to blow ...

ENGLISH IS A FUNNY LANGUAGE

Let's face it -- English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant not ham in hamburger; neither apple or pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English fo...

So they say you can get a heart transplant from a pig now

Call me a Guinea pig doc'

So i've gotten a fish tank recently

And I check the Temerature and the pH-Value regularly. But my Guinea pigs keep diying. Do u guy have any advice?

Why are Italian cops so cute?

Because they're guinea pigs!!

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Pet store

Guy walks into a pet store...

- I need a new pet, my dog just died. You got puppies?
- Sir, forget the puppy, I have just the thing, a new craze from Japan... The toothless guinea pig!
- The toothless what?!
- The toothless guinea pig, sir. If you would like to step into the boot...

What did Moana say when she got her dad a new pet?

Papa! New Guinea!

What happens when a very small animal is born on the world’s second largest island?

New Guinea Pig

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The US Government spent $365,000 to test the effect of cocaine on quails’ sex drive...

The study has been met with fierce criticism by guinea pigs.

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NSFW A guy goes to get his girlfriend a dog for her birthday.

This guy's girlfriend wants a dog for her birthday. He decides he's going to treat her, and heads too a local dog breeder. He says, "I want to buy a dog for a girlfriend". He looks at a few of the various breeds, asks how much one of their cute puppies cost. The man replies, "$1,500 plus shots." He ...

A student is preparing for a vet school exam and has left it to the last minute...

With no chance in hell in of passing, he procrastinates by picking a random topic about animals from Wikipedia and starts reading. By the time he's finished (wasting lots of time looking up related articles) it's too late to read about anything else.

In the oral exam the student picks a quest...

A donkey is having a drink in a pub

when he spots a horse at the bar so goes over for a chat. "What do you do for a living then?" asks the donkey. "I'm a racehorse" comes the reply. "Oh right" says the donkey, "have you won any races then?". "Well", says the horse, " on the flat I've won the 2,000 guineas & the derby, & over t...

God is giving the animals purpose during Creation.

He goes over to three of the animals and quizzes them: "What is your purpose with Man?"

The horse, a large, strapping beast, says, "My purpose is to be Man's feet when he is tired, his back when he cannot lift, and his last refuge in times of hunger."

The cow, a rotund, meaty animal, s...

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A husband and wife go into a pet store...

The husband tells his wife that for her birthday present, the wife can pick out any animal in the store. She takes her time looking at all the different cats, dogs, guinea pigs etc., and isn't particularly fond of any of them.

She eventually sees this large frog in the far corner of the st...

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Horse and Donkey

A horse and a donkey meet in a bar one night, they get chatting and hit it off, the horse invites the donkey back to his place, they go back and all around the walls are pictures of the horse winning the derby, the Guineas, the oaks etc etc. So anyway they have a bang and the horse suggests going to...

Everyone knows the story of the three little pigs... here's another version:

The first little pig was playing in the forest, when the big bad wolf

spotted him and chased him back to his straw house. The pig hid inside,

peeking out at the wolf, who looked at the house, laughed, then huffed

and puffed and blew the house down. The pig, scared witles...

The U.S. congress has passed a massive budget to salvage a sunken vessel last year, today they announced their result

The U.S. navy believes it may have discovered the wreckage of the nation’s military submarine, Squalus, which disappeared a century ago off the coast of Isles of Shoals.

A navy mine hunter reportedly made a “contact of interest” while conducting an underwater search for Squalus. The contact w...

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A lonely man adopts a new pet...

A lonely man feeling distant from his wife decides to follow the advice of a coworker and sets out to find a pet to keep himself company.

On the way home from work one day, the man stops by a pet shop. Inside he finds the usual fare, hamsters, guinea pigs, goldfish, etc. As he looks around h...

Captain John McGrue was one of the most respected explorers

Born in England, he became known for his seafaring skills at a young age. At the age of 20, he heard the legends of the greatest drinks in the world, a quest many explorers had tried, but unfortunately none could complete the trip. McGrue was talked out of it by every friend, until at 28, already an...

There was this government inspector checking out a hospital

There was this government inspector checking out a hospital. He gets guided round most of the wards by a resident doctor, and things seem okay. They have just one more ward to go, when the doctor's pager goes off and he runs to take an emergency call, the inspector decides to proceed, and asks the...

What doctors really thinking?

- This should be taken care of right away.”

I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.

- “Welllllll, what have we here…?”

He has no idea and is hoping you’ll give him a clue.

- “Let m...

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The three pigs.

The first pig, Straw Pig, looked out his front window of his straw house as a big, bad wolf appeared in his driveway. At the top of his lungs, the wolf yelled “LITTLE PIG, LITTLE PIG, LET ME IN OR I’LL HUFF AND PUFF AND BLOW YOUR HOUSE IN”. Straw pig wasn’t worried, so he gave the wolf the finger an...

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The 3 Little Pigs

There were once three little pigs, named Jiggs, Willie, and Elmer. They lived a nice quiet life in their houses made of straw, wood, and brick, respectively. But wouldn't you know it, the Big Bad Wolf came strolling into town one day, hungry for some porkchops and maybe a little applesauce on the si...

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You have two cows..

USA: You have two cows. You outsource a farm to milk them and sell the milk to those who can afford it. You then use the profit to buy someone else's cow for your butcher to make steak with.

Russia: You have two cows. When you get sober you remember that the mafia took them away from you, so ...

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