UPJOKE
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Buzz Buzz

As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator. Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?' The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this t...

Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong are telling bad moon jokes at a party, and nobody is laughing.

Buzz sighs, "I guess you had to be there"

What did Bo-Peep say to Woody when he caught her f***ing Buzz?

##YOU GOT A FRIEND IN ME!

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Vibrator

A mother was walking down the hall, when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughterโ€™s bedroom... When she opened the door, she found her daughter scantily clad on the bed with a vibrator.

"What in God's name are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "Iโ€™m 35 and still...

How Buzz Aldrin introduces himself...

"Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin, second man on the moon... Neil before me!"

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A fly is buzzing around a wolf hound

Fly: What kind of dog are you?

Dog: I'm a wolf hound.

Fly: A wolf hound? Strange name . Why do they call you like that?

Dog: Well, it's quite obvious. My mother was a hound and my father was a wolf.

Fly: I see...

Dog: So, what kind of fly are you?

Fly: I'm a...

Every time I'm at the circus, insects keep keep buzzing around my head whispering the future to me.

Time flies when you're having fun.

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A powerful Emperor advertised for a new Chief Samurai. Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai,

Number One Samurai, "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and "swish"; the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Sam...

A farmer was milking his cow

At one point, he noticed a fly buzzing in the cows' ear.

Shortly after the farmer looked down at the bucket and noticed a fly swimming in the milk.

"Huh," said the farmer. "In one ear, out the udder."

Buzz Aldrin is a man who demands respect. I saw him speak a while ago and he said โ€œIโ€™m the second guy to walk on the moon...โ€

โ€œNeil before meโ€

I came up with this joke about a month ago, just remembered to post it.

A young woman had a real big problem, all her life it took her forever to go pee. Sometimes she would be sitting on the toilet for several minutes of agony before she could squeeze out a drop. It also made her so self-conscious that she was scared to date, despite being a fairly attractive woman....

"Buzz, why in tarnation did ya shoot the spaghetti?", Woody exclaimed.

Buzz leaned back with a satisfied smile.

"Wasn't up to my standards", he commented.

"What do you mean?", Woody replied.

"Flavours were off."

"You... you've had spaghetti?"

"It's a Space Ranger specialty. In all emergency ration kits. And given how many emergencies ...

Andyโ€™s Mom in Toy Story probably has toys too.

They may even be called Woody and Buzz.

How many BuzzFeed workers does it take to turn on an electric chair?

Thirteen. But number nine will shock you.

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I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

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I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon...

"Well" he said, "it could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door.

Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we toss for it."

"And he won?" I said.

"Well, no" he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped do...

A tourist in Madrid

A tourist hires a guide to show him around Madrid. He tells the guide, "If you don't mind, I'm trying to learn Spanish, so if I say something wrong, please correct me." The guide agrees, and they set off walking.

A fly happens to buzz by, and the tourist says, "Look at the *mosco*!" The guide...

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Tortoise and Rabbit. Antagonist view.

A different insight into the story of hare and tortoise:-

E๐’—๐’†๐’“๐’š๐’๐’๐’† ๐’•๐’‰๐’“๐’๐’–๐’ˆ๐’‰๐’๐’–๐’• ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’˜๐’๐’“๐’๐’… ๐’‰๐’‚๐’” ๐’Œ๐’†๐’‘๐’• ๐’ˆ๐’Š๐’—๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’†๐’™๐’‚๐’Ž๐’‘๐’๐’† ๐’๐’‡ ๐‘ป๐’๐’“๐’•๐’๐’Š๐’”๐’†โ€ฆ ๐‘บ๐’‚๐’š๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ ๐’•๐’‰๐’‚๐’• ๐’”๐’๐’๐’˜ ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’”๐’•๐’†๐’‚๐’…๐’š ๐’˜๐’Š๐’๐’” ๐’•๐’‰๐’† ๐’“๐’‚๐’„๐’†, ๐’‚๐’๐’… ๐’†๐’Ž๐’‘๐’‰๐’‚๐’”๐’Š๐’›๐’Š๐’๐’ˆ...

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A man walks into a bar and sees a 5 gallon jug filled with $20 bills...

He sits at the bar and asks the bartender about it. The bartender replies,

"It's the $20 challenge. You put a $20 into the jar, complete a set of three challenges, and if you win you take home the entire jar!"

The man looked at it and asked what the challenges were, because that much m...

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Imagine a wilderness scene, a flowing river and critters running around There is a fly, buzzing above the river, but what he donโ€™t know is that there is a fish watching him, thinking โ€œThat fly is gonna drop 6 in. And Iโ€™m gonna jump up and get em, and have myself a good mealโ€

But the fish donโ€™t know that there is a bear watching him thinking

โ€œThat fly is gonna drop 6 in. Fish is gonna eat the fly, Iโ€™m gonna get the fish, and have myself a good mealโ€

But the bear donโ€™t know that there is a hunter watching him, eating a sandwich, and the hunter thinks

...

I found a vinyl record of Wasp Sounds at a charity shop...

...when I got home I put it on to listen to it - it was all wrong - the buzzing noises was nothing like wasp sounds.

Then I realised - I was playing the Bee side!

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The emperor of Persia wanted the best bodyguard in the world.

So he sent messengers throughout all the lands on the globe encouraging the nations to send their best warriors to come to his palace and compete for this prestigious title. After weeks of intense competition, the candidate pool was reduced to the last three competitors. Each had earned the honor o...

TIL: A fly will drink so much vodka it can hardly stand, but a bee will only take a little sip.

Just enough to get buzzed.

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An Englishman, A Scotsman, and an Irishman are at a barโ€ฆ

A fly starts buzzing around and decides to land in the Englishmanโ€™s drink. He takes the drink to the bartender and asks for another because of the fly.

The fly then lands in the Scotsmanโ€™s drink. He shoos it away and downs the pint.

The fly then lands in the Irishmanโ€™s drink. He down...

What did Woody say to Buzz Lightyear?

A lot of stuff, there's 4 whole movies plus some short films.

Why did the bee fail to get the job at a honey factory?

His application was nothing but buzz words

I wonder if Buzz and woody had ever met Andy's mom's toys.

They probably have the same names

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visiting grandma...

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on...

Yes, Buzz Lightyear could kill all the other toys

But Woody?

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A beautiful young woman is sunbathing on the beach of an upscale resort, when she feels a buzzing in her vagina.

Alarmed, she runs to her father for help. "I think there's an insect in my coochie!" she tells him, frantically dancing from the buzzing sensation.

They call up the resort's resident doctor. He takes her into his office for an examination.

"Yup. It looks like a bee has crawled into yo...

Woody walks in on Little Bo Peep and Buzz Light year in the bedroom...

Woody, baffled, says "What is going on here??"

Bo Peep Replies: "You've got a friend in me?"

Jet Fuel Booze

Dave and Pete were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft engineers in Darwin, Australia .

One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

Pete says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've he...

How can we call Buzz Aldren a hero?

When he *literally* turned his back on the world.

Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were training for their moon mission in the moonlike deserts of the Western United States, where they had an encounter with an old Native American man.

The man asked what they were doing in the desert. They replied that they were going to travel to the moon, and explore it soon. When the old man heard that, he fell silent and pondered for a few moments, then asked the astronauts for a favor.

"What do you want?" the astronauts asked.

"...

Where did Buzz feed learn to click bait so well from?

Me

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A man complained to his friend

A man complained to his friend "My elbow hurts I better go to the doctor." "Don't do that," volunteered his friend "there's a new computer at the drug store that can diagnose any problem quicker and cheaper than a doctor. All you have to do is put in a urine sample, deposit $10, then the computer wi...

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A well-to-do woman was on a safari around Kenya.

As the visited a remote village she was pestered by enormous black flies just buzzing around her face.
She turned to the guide and asked "What is it with these flies everywhere?"
The guide replied "Ah yes Missy, these are Bum Bum flies"
"What an odd name" she replied.
"Yess Miss...

Have you heard the one about the electricians triplets?

An electrician is working on a light in his house. His heavily pregnant wife receives a call from the doctor, who informs her that she is having triplets. Overjoyed at the news she rushes into the room where her husband is working.


โ€œHoney, the doctor called. Weโ€™re having triplets! What s...

A bee gets pulled over by the cops

The cop says: Have you been drinking tonight

The bee says: I'm just a little buzzed

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

Why was Buzz Lightyear at the Lexus dealership?

To go beyond Infiniti

Buzz Aldrin and Mike Collins were invited to the White House to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the moon landing...

Buzz got to enter the White House and meet with the president, but Mike had to spend the entire visit driving in circles around the White House.

Why was the Buzz Feed employee found dead in the washroom?

Because number two shocked him.

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Thereโ€™s a fly buzzing over the water.

A frog is sitting on a lily pad and he says if that fly drops three inches Iโ€™ll eat him for lunch.
A fish under the water is looking up and he says if that fly drops three inches that frog will jump, then Iโ€™ll jump and Iโ€™ll eat that frog for lunch.
Thereโ€™s a bear on the side of the pond and...

(Came up with this one from a meme I just saw) There's a bee in the drawer of my side table that buzzes and makes me think I got a new message on my phone...

Got a bee kiddin me.

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If buzz aldrin lost a part of his butt in a space accident his nick name woulf be...

Buzz lightrear

What would you call Buzz Lightyear if he was an alcoholic?

Buzzed Allyear

Non alcoholic beer is like a vibr@tor without the batteries.

It fills you up nicely, but without the buzz.

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A man feels lost is life and decides to ask a rabbi for advice

He calls up the rabbi and asks for his address

The rabbi sais:

I live on the last house on 47th Street.
Now, when you come here, you can buzz in the apartment number with your left elbow and open the door with your right elbow.
When you enter the building, you can call for an el...

Yesterday the lady next door received a buzz from the front door. When she opened the door there was a man there. With a saddened look the man says "Lady, I'm terribly sorry, I just ran over your cat." Without hesitation the man tells the lady that he would like to replace the cat.

The lady looks up at the man and replies "Thats all right with me, but how are you at catching mice?"

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like using a vibrator with no batteries

Sure it fills you up but with none of the buzz.

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[NSFW] There was a fly buzzing around above a river.

There was a fly buzzing around above a river.

 

There was a trout in the river watching the fly thinking, "If that fly would drop down about a foot I could jump up and I'd have dinner."

 


On the shore there was a bear watching the trout watch the fly...

Did you hear about the BuzzFeed employee who peed on an exposed wire?

Number 1 shocked him.

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The Tale of Three Heavens

Once upon a time, long long ago, in village far far away, there lived a fairly affluent merchant who lived a nice luxurious life in his spacious mansion. The merchant befriended a homeless man who lived in front of the gates of his mansion and often gave him food.

One day, the merchant n...

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Johnny and Sally are having fun climbing a tree, when all of a sudden a bee starts buzzing around her...

"Oh no! Johnny!" says Sally. "That bee went up my skirt!"

Johnny starts booting her on the ass, trying to hit the bee.

"Oh no, Johnny! Now the bee has gone into my underwear!"

Johnny starts smacking her on the bottom, trying to squish the bee.

"Oh no, Johnny! Now the bee...

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A young couple were sunning themselves on a nudist beach when a wasp buzzed into the womanโ€™s vagina.

The girl started screaming โ€œOh my God, help me, thereโ€™s a
wasp inside me!โ€

The boyfriend quickly covered her with his jacket, carried her to the car and raced to the hospital where he explained the situation.

After examining her, the doctor realized that the wasp was in too deep to ...

The scale in the bathroom is nicknamed Buzz Lightyear.

When I step on it goes to infinity and beyond.

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Jewish Mom buys a new apartment

She calls her son once she is moved in and is gushing about what a nice place she has and invites him to come see it.

Of course he agrees so she starts giving him directions on how to get there.

"Once you park, head straight through the courtyard and you'll see a buzzer for the apartm...

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A fly is buzzing around over the surface of a lake...

Beneath the water the fly is being watched by a bass, who is thinking the fish equivalent of โ€œif that fly drops 6 inches, I can leap out of the water and eat himโ€.

Meanwhile, a bear is watching the bass, the very same bass watching the fly. It knows that if the fly drops 6 inches, the fish i...

Traffic violation

After pulling a farmer over for speeding in an urban area, the police officer starts to lecture him about his callous disregard for public safety. The officer goes on and on, even belittling the farmer saying he must be a "hick from the sticks" and not know how to behave in a civilized area.
<...

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After buzzing about in a public toilet, how long will a fly generally stay sat on a urinal?

Until it gets pissed off.

BuzzFeed vs. Reddit war (reworked joke for the situation)

BuzzFeed and Reddit were at war.

BuzzFeed was on one side of a hill and Reddit was on the other side.

Reddit yells: I only have 1 meme over here but i bet it can beat your best 100 memes.

BuzzFeed send their best 100 memes. After some time Reddit yells back: Send your best 1000...

Buzz Killington

Do you know why W.S Gilbert was frequently drunk on his transatlantic crossings?

Because he was a quartered on the portside!

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Woody and Buzz

Or as I call them, dildo and vibrator.

BuzzFeed's "Ten ways to tell if someone is a terrorist"

#6 will blow your mind!

Buzz feed steal so much content they should rename themselves

The Appropriated Press

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Three rats are at a bar telling stories on how tough they are....

The first rat takes a shot and says, "Whenever I find rat poison, I like to crush it up and do lines just to get a good buzz for the day."
The second rat takes a shot and says, "That's nothing! Whenever I find cheese on a mousetrap, I purposely trip the spring & right before I get crushed I ...

Treadmill joke.

So, I wake up early, drink some energy drinks and ride my treadmill to stay healthy. I'm feeling very confident with my workout and put in more time, running harder and for longer. Eventually I want to continue my success onto the rowing machine and so I start to wrap up, looking to the little scree...

I can't wait to read the BuzzFeed article on "20 Things You Will Love about Stranger Things"

Eleven will blow your mind!!!

What do Buzz Lightyear and Bees have in common?

They both can fly.

What?

You thought I was going to make a pun? I'm not that shallow.

Now buzz off.

After several drinks last night, I had a great Buzz.

Unfortunately I was no longer able to get a Woody.

What if Muslims wrote BuzzFeed posts?

13 reasons to be a Jihadi, no.7 will blow your mind off!

What do you call a drunk astronaut?

Buzzed Litebeer

What did woody and buzz say to your mom?

"Strange to see your toys have the same name as us."

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There's this fly buzzing around in a barn...

This fly is buzzing around a barn when he finds a huge pile of cow manure. "Yum!" says the fly and he buzzes down to it and gorges himself until he's so full that his wings can't carry him anymore.

"That's alright," thinks the fly, "If I get a little air first then I'll be able to fly no prob...

Why did Neil Armstrong get to set foot on the moon before Buzz Aldrin?

They wrestled over it. Neil had the stronger arm.

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Three Samurai are debating over who the best swordsman is...

As they stand around debating, one of the samurai notices a fly buzzing around. He removes his sword from its sheath, swings it quickly through the air with a deft swipe, and re-sheathes it. The other two samurai watch as the fly falls to the floor cut in half.

The second samurai says, "That'...

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A Jewish son calls his mom

Son: Hey mom I am going to come over later today is that good for you?

Mom: of course, but are you coming alone?
Son: yes mom.

Mom: oh but how will you buzz my apartment?

Son: it's not a problem I'll just hit the key pad

Mom: oh but how will you be able to press the f...

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