I’m Buzz Aldrin, the second person to walk on the moon.

Neil before me.

What did the dog say to Woody after accidentally swallowing Buzz Lightyear?

You got a friend in me.

How can we call Buzz Aldren a hero?

When he *literally* turned his back on the world.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a fly buzzing about one foot above the river. A trout saw the fly and thought, ‘If that fly comes down six inches, I can jump out of the water and catch it’.

What the trout didn’t see was a bear hiding behind the bush who also saw the fly and realised what the trout was up to and thought, ‘If I wait until the fly drops six inches, the trout will jump and I’ll catch the trout’.

There was a hunter watching the bear watching the trout watching the f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I remember when I first started using drugs. I was 18 years old. It all started with a spliff, the odd bong or two. Before I knew it, I'd started using amphetamines like speed and for a stronger buzz, I moved on to ecstasy.

It wasn't long after, that I started on the hard stuff, like cocaine and heroin.

I was a complete mess.

I was broke and my body was ruined.

But fuck me, what a night.

Woody walks in on Little Bo Peep and Buzz Light year in the bedroom...

Woody, baffled, says "What is going on here??"

Bo Peep Replies: "You've got a friend in me?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon...

"Well" he said, "it could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door.

Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we toss for it."

"And he won?" I said.

"Well, no" he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped do...

Why was Buzz Lightyear at the Lexus dealership?

To go beyond Infiniti

(Came up with this one from a meme I just saw) There's a bee in the drawer of my side table that buzzes and makes me think I got a new message on my phone...

Got a bee kiddin me.

"Doctor, Doctor, I keep seeing an insect buzzing around me"

"Don't worry it's just a bug that going around"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

American Samurai

There once was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai. So he put up posters throughout the land saying he was searching for a new chief Samurai. But after 2 months, only 3 Samurai applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese, and a blind American. So he interviewed all three.

The emp...

Yes, Buzz Lightyear could kill all the other toys

But Woody?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There’s a fly buzzing over the water.

A frog is sitting on a lily pad and he says if that fly drops three inches I’ll eat him for lunch.
A fish under the water is looking up and he says if that fly drops three inches that frog will jump, then I’ll jump and I’ll eat that frog for lunch.
There’s a bear on the side of the pond and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he ...

Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin were training for their moon mission in the moonlike deserts of the Western United States, where they had an encounter with an old Native American man.

The man asked what they were doing in the desert. They replied that they were going to travel to the moon, and explore it soon. When the old man heard that, he fell silent and pondered for a few moments, then asked the astronauts for a favor.

"What do you want?" the astronauts asked.

"...

Buzz Aldrin and Mike Collins were invited to the White House to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the moon landing...

Buzz got to enter the White House and meet with the president, but Mike had to spend the entire visit driving in circles around the White House.

Ironically, Woody and Buzz ...

were also the names of Andy's Mum's toys.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Fish and the Fly

Just below the surface of a nearby lake, a fish watches a fly buzzing along and thinks to himself, “If that fly drops 4 inches, I’m gonna jump out of the water and eat that fly.” A bear at the edge of the woods is also watching and he thinks to himself, “If that fly drops 4” and the fish jumps out ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Jazz Pianist

An Michelin star restaurant is looking for a pianist to entertain customers while they dine. The owner has been auditioning for weeks, but has had no luck finding someone suitable. One day, a guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager repli...

I missed the Vice Presidential debate...

Can someone please tell me what all the buzz is about?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A beautiful young woman is sunbathing on the beach of an upscale resort, when she feels a buzzing in her vagina.

Alarmed, she runs to her father for help. "I think there's an insect in my coochie!" she tells him, frantically dancing from the buzzing sensation.

They call up the resort's resident doctor. He takes her into his office for an examination.

"Yup. It looks like a bee has crawled into yo...

What would you call Buzz Lightyear if he was an alcoholic?

Buzzed Allyear

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ouch!

A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mens room door, it was "OCCUPIED".

The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautione...

Why was the Buzz Feed employee found dead in the washroom?

Because number two shocked him.

Where did Buzz feed learn to click bait so well from?

Me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fly is buzzing around a wolf hound.

Fly: What kind of dog are you?

Dog: I'm a wolf hound.

Fly: A wolf hound? Strange name . Why do they call you like that?

Dog: Well, it's quite obvious. My mother was a hound and my father was a wolf.

Fly: I see...

Dog: So, what kind of fly are you?

Fly: I'm a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If buzz aldrin lost a part of his butt in a space accident his nick name woulf be...

Buzz lightrear

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The greatest swordsman in the world.

There was a competition going on in Spain to see who the worlds greatest swordsman was.The final three competitors had been chosen and were brought on stage in front of the anticipating crowd to showcase their talent.The first swordsman stepped forward causing the crowd to hush.One of the judges pro...

How was honey discovered?

A guy thought “Gotta see what’s all that buzz about”

The scale in the bathroom is nicknamed Buzz Lightyear.

When I step on it goes to infinity and beyond.

Why does a mosquito buzz in your ears?

It doesn't. It buzzes everywhere, only you can hear it from your ears.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After buzzing about in a public toilet, how long will a fly generally stay sat on a urinal?

Until it gets pissed off.

Yesterday the lady next door received a buzz from the front door. When she opened the door there was a man there. With a saddened look the man says "Lady, I'm terribly sorry, I just ran over your cat." Without hesitation the man tells the lady that he would like to replace the cat.

The lady looks up at the man and replies "Thats all right with me, but how are you at catching mice?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] There was a fly buzzing around above a river.

There was a fly buzzing around above a river.

 

There was a trout in the river watching the fly thinking, "If that fly would drop down about a foot I could jump up and I'd have dinner."

 


On the shore there was a bear watching the trout watch the fly...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fly is buzzing around over the surface of a lake...

Beneath the water the fly is being watched by a bass, who is thinking the fish equivalent of “if that fly drops 6 inches, I can leap out of the water and eat him”.

Meanwhile, a bear is watching the bass, the very same bass watching the fly. It knows that if the fly drops 6 inches, the fish i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Johnny and Sally are having fun climbing a tree, when all of a sudden a bee starts buzzing around her...

"Oh no! Johnny!" says Sally. "That bee went up my skirt!"

Johnny starts booting her on the ass, trying to hit the bee.

"Oh no, Johnny! Now the bee has gone into my underwear!"

Johnny starts smacking her on the bottom, trying to squish the bee.

"Oh no, Johnny! Now the bee...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Woody and Buzz

Or as I call them, dildo and vibrator.

Buzz Killington

Do you know why W.S Gilbert was frequently drunk on his transatlantic crossings?

Because he was a quartered on the portside!

Three mice walk into a bar…

After a few drinks, they get into a heated argument about how tough they are.

The first mouse says, “When I see a mousetrap, I lay on my back and set it off with my foot. Then, I catch the bar with my teeth and bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite. Only then do I make off with t...

A bee goes into a bar,

It comes out 2 hours later buzzing

Buzz feed steal so much content they should rename themselves

The Appropriated Press

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my mate and I were doing this pub quiz and he'd had a couple of drinks too many

and he was just at that state where he thought it was funny to buzz in on every question and answer "*My Dick!!*".

The quizmaster asks "What is the largest organ in the human body?"

***BUZZ!***

and we're waiting for it, and my mate calmly answers "The skin".

Which is of c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young couple were sunning themselves on a nudist beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman’s vagina.

The girl started screaming “Oh my God, help me, there’s a
wasp inside me!”

The boyfriend quickly covered her with his jacket, carried her to the car and raced to the hospital where he explained the situation.

After examining her, the doctor realized that the wasp was in too deep to ...

What do Buzz Lightyear and Bees have in common?

They both can fly.

What?

You thought I was going to make a pun? I'm not that shallow.

Now buzz off.

After several drinks last night, I had a great Buzz.

Unfortunately I was no longer able to get a Woody.

Rumor is that Toy Story 4 will focus on

Andy's mother's toys, which coincidentally are called Woody and Buzz too.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my...

A Man...

A Man is stopped by an Old Woman who was holding out seeds and says "take these seeds and you will be on your way to success."
The man takes the seeds and plants them, going to sleep and waking up the next day to find the seeds have sprouted into a gigantic tree. A booking voice rings out from ab...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call Buzz Aldrin's right testicle?

An astronut!!!

A reporter goes to see an inventor who claims to have invented a machine that can answer any question

The reporter is asked to speak his question into the microphone and the machine will answer it with 100% accuracy.

Sceptical but curious the reporter starts easy, "Where is my mother?"

The machine bleeps and buzzes and then announces "Your mother is at her book club, they have just rev...

Why did Neil Armstrong get to set foot on the moon before Buzz Aldrin?

They wrestled over it. Neil had the stronger arm.

What did woody and buzz say to your mom?

"Strange to see your toys have the same name as us."

There was a very well liked guy named Jimmy, and had always aspired to be a pilot, just like his dad.

Unfortunately, life took many rough turns for him in high school; one night while driving late one night, his tire blew out and he lost his right eye. Having only half his vision, his dreams of being a pilot were crushed, and he didn't know what to do with his life.

Jimmy, now fitted with a b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irish, English and a Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down, and one lands in each of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches into the pint, rips the fly out and shouts "Spit it out ya bastard! Spit it out!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's this fly buzzing around in a barn...

This fly is buzzing around a barn when he finds a huge pile of cow manure. "Yum!" says the fly and he buzzes down to it and gorges himself until he's so full that his wings can't carry him anymore.

"That's alright," thinks the fly, "If I get a little air first then I'll be able to fly no prob...

Girl guides

I was accompanying my eight-year-old daughter who was
selling cookies door-to-door for the Girl Scouts. After visiting
several homes, she commented on the different styles of
doorbells: some buzzed, some rang, some warbled.

We made a game of guessing what the next bell would sound li...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me and my little brother tested out a new lie dectector machine.

The lie detector only buzzes when a truth is told and does nothing else when a lie is told

My litlle brother was so exited and he wanted to try it out first. So I let him go. He told a truth saying "My favourite game is baseball!" and the detector buzzed. Then I said its my turn now. "No! On...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Toy Story

What's a mix of Viagra and alcohol have in common with Toy Story?

You get a buzz and a woody.

Me and my friend were out camping in a thick tropical forest.

As we set camp for the night, we were being swarmed by huge mosquitoes. My friend, being a person who was brought up in a posh neighborhood, had never seen such an insect and was terrified. After having a hard time spraying mosquito repellent inside the camp and our sleeping bags, we slid into our s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Frenchman, German, and an Irishman walk into a bar

They all go up to the bar and order: Red Wine for the Frenchman, a pint of beer for the German, and glass of whiskey for the Irishman.

They all sit down together to enjoy their drinks and talk. They'd been sitting a bit when a fly buzzes around their heads and lands in the Frenchman's wine. ...

People have often said that bees making honey sounds cool...

...but honestly, I never understood what all the buzz was about.

What do bees do if they need a ride?

Wait at the buzz stop!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three starving flies are buzzing around..

When they spot a huge pile of shit. The flies dive right in and get to eating, in fact they ate so much they found out they cant fly anymore. This is a big problem because the yard that the shit is in happens to be filled with insects and animals that would eat them if they tried to walk across to s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men crash land on a desert island, 3 days later they find a magic lamp in the sand on the beach

>**this joke works best if you do the actions when you're telling it**

The men get very excited about the lamp and as they dust the sand away it hums and buzzes before a genie emerges in a puff of blue smoke.

"You have freed me from my prison," says the Genie, "For this, I will give...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Johnnie didn't know what else to do to have sex with his wife...

... every time he tried, she would make him feel like a perv and would lecture him about going to church to get rid of those dirty thoughts.

They lived in a small town and after work, Johnnie was a regular at a bar. Each night, everybody would make a toast and people would vote for the best t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How Bangkok became the capital of Thailand

Long ago there was a king of Thailand, and he unfortunately passed away due to old age. However the people of Thailand saw this as an opportunity to grow and create a capital and have a new young robust leader.

The people decided to go to the surrounding tribes and select a few fit young men ...

Did you hear about Murder hornets?

They’re the latest buzz

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes into a record shop

and says "do you have any sound effects albums of insect noises? Crickets, cicadas, beetles, that sort of thing?"

Store guy: "yeah only this second hand vinyl, should be perfect though."

Guy buys the record but he's back to the shop within the hour, says "sorry mate this record is no...

Good pickup line.

Two male flies are buzzing around the farmyard when they spot a female fly landing on a fresh pile of cow dung.
The one fly says, "Wow, she is cute! I'm going to try to talk to her, wish me luck."
He swoops down, lands right next to her and says, "Excuse me Miss, is this stool taken?"

A nun walks into Hooters... [NSFW]

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walks into Hooters. The place was buzzing with music and conversation, and every once in a while the lights would go out. Each time the lights would go out the place would erupt into cheers, however when the revelers saw the nun the place went dead silent. S...

A state trooper pulls over a farmer...

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.