Ting Jokes - 51 Hilarious Ting Jokes

You know that tingly sensation you get when you like somebody?

That's common sense leaving your body.

I would like to put on record my appreciation for the guys who play the triangle in orchestras.

Thanks for every ting.

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There were three young priests...

about to take their final vows. The last test they had to pass was a celibacy test. For this, all three had to strip naked and tie a little bell around their penis. A belly dancer entered the room, and started slinking around the first priest. 'Ting-a-ling!'

The chief priest said 'Oh Patrick,...

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An Asian man goes to rent a car, and the clerk sees the man's name is Herschel Leibowitz

The clerk asks him how an Asian man like himself got the name Herschel Leibowitz. He responds in a heavy accent "When I was going through immigration, we were in a line in the area where we give our names. The name of the man in front of me was Herschel Leibowitz. When they call for me to ask me ...

I used to be in a reggae band once. I played the triangle.

I ended up leaving though, it was just one ting after another.

I just got a job in a reggae band!

I’m the triangle player, I just stand at the back and ting

Oooooo Eeeeee Oooooo Ahhh Ahhh Ting Tang...

I was shocked when my adopted daughter told me she was going to marry a Witch Doctor.

“Why do you want to do that?” I asked.

“Pwobabwy for financial secuwity,” she replied.

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle- not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking.

I said “What’s up...can't handle the pressure of performing on ...

How did a Chinese guy have a Tamil name:

I recently met a Chinese man in Toronto and got to know that his name was "Kannaswami”.

I asked him, "How did you ever get a name like that being a Chinese?"

He said -"Many, many years ago when I first went to Canada, I was standing in line at the Political Asylums Immigration Counter....

Legend has it there was a Sensei who is said to have bested all of his opponents by waiting for just the right moment to strike

He went by "Tai Ming"

I'm really pleased that our band has just signed a Jamaican triangle player.

Now every little *ting* is gonna be all right!

I want to change my name to Mark, marry a woman named Ting, and name my son Scott.

So that I can say that my son is scott from markandting.

A bartender is working at a bar and has 3 customers.

All of them look extremely tired, with dark circles around their eyes and generally sluggish movements. As he offers a drink to the first one, the bartender says:

"Excuse me sir, I hope you don't mind me saying so, but you look incredibly tired. Can I ask why?"

The man looks up and sig...

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Bob came home drunk one night...

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St....

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An old lady was in bed with her young lover when she suddenly hears her husband pull into the driveway..

"Quick!" she tells her lover. "Hide in this cupboard!"

So saying she pushes the naked guy in the cupboard and hastily puts on her clothes. But the cupboard is a tight fit so the guy's balls are left out hanging between the cupboard doors.

The old husband enters the house and walks into...

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Three men were going through Holy Orders to become priests...

They had passed all the tests up to this point and we're ready for the final test. They stood before the bishop and he told them that the final test would prove their devotion to God. They were instructed to take all their clothes off and tie little bells around their dicks.

The bishop told t...

Walking through Chinatown, a backpacker saw a Chinese laundry with the sign: "Sigurd Kristiansen's Laundry"

'Sigurd Kristiansen? How the hell does that name fit in here?' he wondered.
So he decided to check it out. He entered to see an elderly Chinese man behind the counter.
'How did this Chinese laundry get a name like "Sigurd Kristiansen's Laundry"?' the backpacker asked.
The elderly Chinese re...

A man in ancient Rome cannibalises his wife and frames his neighbor Ridiculus.

Ridiculus goes to court and says, "I'm-a in-nocent-a! You have-a gott to beli-eve-a me!" (Ancient Romans sounded like Italians, in case you didn't know.)

They sentence him to fight in the colosseum. Turns out he his quite good at fighting. In no time he becomes the best, and he makes a great ...

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I wrote this one yesterday. Hopefully it's worth the read...

It was 1987 and Mr O'Neal had been working in his tailor shop for little creatures solidly, all year!

*ting-ting-ting-ting-tinnng... ting* The door jingles open and in hops a flea.

He approaches the tailor and says, "The big dance is tonight. I need the finest suit in your store".
...

Why couldn't this guy stop humping a bell?

Because it was A-dick-ting

Two roommates were arguing...

About who gets to use the microwave first.

Then things started getting heated.

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A joke I made up 20 min ago

Me: “I’m going to tie a bell on the tip of my penis!”

Wife: “WTF!?! Why?!”

Me: “I know it’ll be kind of annoying at first, but trust me, it’ll become a-dick-ting!”

A shout out to the guy who played the triangle with our band for the last few years...

... thanks for every ting.

One Jamaican strolls up to another Jamaican in the park.

'Aright man, nice puppy ya gat there,' said the first Jamaican. 'What's it breed?'

The second Jamaican replied, 'Dis ting breed air like all da other puppies, man.'

What do you call a cow that's had an abortion?

Decaffeinated! Bah dum dum...ting

I asked my Dad what being an adult was like.

He told me, "A dull ting."

It was just another day in the jungle, and the little tailor store was open as usual.

*ting a-ling-ting* The door jingles open and in walks a flea, a spider and a rat.

They all ask to be measured up and fitted for suits.

"Step this way", says the tailor and begins measuring up the flea with his tiny teeny tape measure.

"You're pretty fat for a flea", he says, a...

Swedish Computer Terms

What do you call an autistic Chinese baby?

Sum Ting-Wong

Have you heard about the broke ornithologist?

His budgie-ting skills were horrible!

A man comes walking out of a brothel

Right as he walks out i to the street, there's a little boy, smiling and pointing at the man, saying "Hah! I know what you've done! Ooh, I know *exactly* what you've done!"

The man is red with embarassment. "Would you keep it down, son? ", he said and gave the boy 10 dollars. "Take this and f...

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Have you ever tried masturbating with a bell attached to your penis?

I've got to tell you, it's a dick ting.

A man moves from China to the US looking for work

After he and his wife settle in, they find themselves prospering in their new country. Years later, they have a son, who grows up to be a powerful and respected businessman. One day, he comes home with a woman wrapped around his arm

"Mom, Dad" he says,"This is Tiffany Wong." His parents are...

A Jewish guy walking through Chinatown notices a jewelry shop with has a big sign that says - Abe Goldberg jewelry.

He walks in and asks to meet Abe Goldberg. A Chinese man comes out from the back and says - herro, I Abe Golber.

The Jewish guy says, you're Abe Goldberg??? How did you get that name?

The Chinese man tells how when he was at Ellis Island, the guy in line before him was Abe Goldberg. ...

Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry

A man was walking down the street and noticed a sign reading: "Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry." Being of a curious nature, he entered and was greeted by a Chinese man who identified himself as Hans Schmidt. "How did you come to have a name like that?" inquired the stranger. The man explained in very...

After many years in America, the local Korean owner of a convenience store was asked how it was that his name is Patrick Murphy.

When I come to America, there was long line of immigrants from all over the world. When immigration officer ask man in front of me where he comes from & what his name he tell him, " I'm from Ireland & my name is Patrick Murphy!" Then immigration officer writes his name down and tells him to ...

Irishman walks up to an Englishman...

...and says, "Look, here's de ting: why are some of are werds missin' de letter 'H'? Lissen to de way aye say 'ting', fer example. Aye tink the British have been stealin' some of our H's, dat's what I tink!" The British man replies, "Don't be shtupid."

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A genie grants a man one wish

"Budget cuts" said the Genie.
The man knew he had to make it count.
He said, "I wish I knew the answer to every question I'm asked."
The genie gave a nod then disappeared into a cloud of smoke.

The man didn't want to immediately melt his mind with the answers to the universe. Startin...

What do you call a muppet hanging itself?

Kermit-ting suicide.

A karate dojo and its owner had to change their names.

The parents of the dojo's students were very concerned upon hearing how their children acquired their skills, when they told them "From Master Bei Ting!"

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Colonel Reichman, an interrogation specialist for the German army, was walking around in a quaint little Swiss village one day during WWII. He spots a little shop selling clocks and watches and decides to enter.

Inside, the owner, a lady standing behind the counter, immediately recognizes who he is and welcomes him into the shop, asking how she can be of assistance.

"Frauline,” he starts "Deez are all very nice little clocks and vatches you have in here, but ze von I am interested in is zat big grand...

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NSFW Why does Captain America watch incest porn?

It makes the southern parts of him all tingly.

How to speak Chinese

That's not right..................................Sum Ting Wong

Are you harbouring a fugitive?...............Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me asap......................................Kum Hia Nao

Stupid man........................................Dum Gai

Small horse....

A tourist in L.A. is walking through Chinatown

When he sees a sign saying, “Hans Olafsen’s Laundry.” Curious, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. “How did this place get a name like Hans Olafsen’s Laundry?” asks the tourist. The old man says, “It’s named after me. I’m Hans Olafsen.” “That’s an unusual ...

What do you call it when a comedian falls back on childish humor simply to avoid complete failure?

Pun-ting

sea

When you swim in the sea, and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
When your eyes glass over and shine like you’ve broken your spine, that’s a moray.
The ambulance bells will ring, and they’ll ting
And you’ll siiiiing
“That’s a moray”
When the jaws open wide and there’s more teeth ...

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Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church...

Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter, and once in awhile he went on one of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was.

Vhile dey were taking up the collection, O...

How does this name fit?

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners. He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, Hans Olaffsen's Laundry.
Hans Olaffsen?, he muses. How in the world that name fits in here? So he decides to walk into the shop and s...

What do you call creepy wind chimes?

Stranger Tings

My neighbors came around the neighborhood this morning with flyers complaining about how someone stole their delivered dinner from their front stoop last night.

If you ask me, it feels like an overreaction for some poorly seasoned vegetables, overcooked salmon, and the lemon-tinged green beans, all of which had already gone cold anyway.

If your friend makes you feel sick, they're probably toxic.

If they give you a tingly feeling, they're probably radioactive.

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