The 63+ Best Ting Jokes

You know that tingly sensation you get when you like somebody?

That's common sense leaving your body.

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band

But I had to quit as it was just one ting after another

Swedish Computer Terms

I really hate meetings

I really wish “me” werent in meetings

How did a Chinese guy have a Tamil name:

I recently met a Chinese man in Toronto and got to know that his name was "Kannaswami”.

I asked him, "How did you ever get a name like that being a Chinese?"

He said -"Many, many years ago when I first went to Canada, I was standing in line at the Political Asylums Immigration Counter....

A man comes walking out of a brothel

Right as he walks out i to the street, there's a little boy, smiling and pointing at the man, saying "Hah! I know what you've done! Ooh, I know *exactly* what you've done!"

The man is red with embarassment. "Would you keep it down, son? ", he said and gave the boy 10 dollars. "Take this and f...

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So a church needed a bell ringer…

The friar puts a sign outside that said ‘bell ringer wanted, tryouts Saturday morning’

Saturday morning rolls around, and there were three people lined up out front of the church waiting to try to ring the bell. A tall, muscular man, a skinnier, frail man, and an average sized man.

T...

Oooooo Eeeeee Oooooo Ahhh Ahhh Ting Tang...

I was shocked when my adopted daughter told me she was going to marry a Witch Doctor.

“Why do you want to do that?” I asked.

“Pwobabwy for financial secuwity,” she replied.

A bartender is working at a bar and has 3 customers.

All of them look extremely tired, with dark circles around their eyes and generally sluggish movements. As he offers a drink to the first one, the bartender says:

"Excuse me sir, I hope you don't mind me saying so, but you look incredibly tired. Can I ask why?"

The man looks up and sig...

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A genie grants a man one wish

"Budget cuts" said the Genie.
The man knew he had to make it count.
He said, "I wish I knew the answer to every question I'm asked."
The genie gave a nod then disappeared into a cloud of smoke.

The man didn't want to immediately melt his mind with the answers to the universe. Startin...

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An old lady was in bed with her young lover when she suddenly hears her husband pull into the driveway..

"Quick!" she tells her lover. "Hide in this cupboard!"

So saying she pushes the naked guy in the cupboard and hastily puts on her clothes. But the cupboard is a tight fit so the guy's balls are left out hanging between the cupboard doors.

The old husband enters the house and walks into...

Why couldn't this guy stop humping a bell?

Because it was A-dick-ting

I'm really pleased that our band has just signed a Jamaican triangle player.

Now every little *ting* is gonna be all right!

I would like to put on record my appreciation for the guys who play the triangle in orchestras.

Thanks for every ting.

Walking through Chinatown, a backpacker saw a Chinese laundry with the sign: "Sigurd Kristiansen's Laundry"

'Sigurd Kristiansen? How the hell does that name fit in here?' he wondered.
So he decided to check it out. He entered to see an elderly Chinese man behind the counter.
'How did this Chinese laundry get a name like "Sigurd Kristiansen's Laundry"?' the backpacker asked.
The elderly Chinese re...

Two roommates were arguing...

About who gets to use the microwave first.

Then things started getting heated.

One Jamaican strolls up to another Jamaican in the park.

'Aright man, nice puppy ya gat there,' said the first Jamaican. 'What's it breed?'

The second Jamaican replied, 'Dis ting breed air like all da other puppies, man.'

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A joke I made up 20 min ago

Me: “I’m going to tie a bell on the tip of my penis!”

Wife: “WTF!?! Why?!”

Me: “I know it’ll be kind of annoying at first, but trust me, it’ll become a-dick-ting!”

The cow Elsa

A wealthy farmer is away from home for a business meeting shortly over a week now when suddenly his phone rings in the middle of the night. The calling number is that of his country estate!

Caller: "Yes, this is your butler. I just wanted to tell you that your cow Elsa had died."

Farme...

Shaemus

A tour guide in Ireland was giving his tour to a group of tourists. As they traveled down the road, Shaemus pointed to a field of potatoes. "You see dat field o'er there? I planted de first potato in dat field.. but doo dey call me Shaemus de farmer?.. I tink not." The tour continues on for a bit un...

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle- not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking.

I said “What’s up...can't handle the pressure of performing on ...

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Colonel Reichman, an interrogation specialist for the German army, was walking around in a quaint little Swiss village one day during WWII. He spots a little shop selling clocks and watches and decides to enter.

Inside, the owner, a lady standing behind the counter, immediately recognizes who he is and welcomes him into the shop, asking how she can be of assistance.

"Frauline,” he starts "Deez are all very nice little clocks and vatches you have in here, but ze von I am interested in is zat big grand...

A shout out to the guy who played the triangle with our band for the last few years...

... thanks for every ting.

Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry

A man was walking down the street and noticed a sign reading: "Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry." Being of a curious nature, he entered and was greeted by a Chinese man who identified himself as Hans Schmidt. "How did you come to have a name like that?" inquired the stranger. The man explained in very...

I asked my Dad what being an adult was like.

He told me, "A dull ting."

After many years in America, the local Korean owner of a convenience store was asked how it was that his name is Patrick Murphy.

When I come to America, there was long line of immigrants from all over the world. When immigration officer ask man in front of me where he comes from & what his name he tell him, " I'm from Ireland & my name is Patrick Murphy!" Then immigration officer writes his name down and tells him to ...

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Bob came home drunk one night...

Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St....

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There were three young priests...

about to take their final vows. The last test they had to pass was a celibacy test. For this, all three had to strip naked and tie a little bell around their penis. A belly dancer entered the room, and started slinking around the first priest. 'Ting-a-ling!'

The chief priest said 'Oh Patrick,...

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A gentleman on his way to a job interview in Brooklyn breaks the sole of his shoe.

Not wanting to arrive at the interview with a broken shoe, he asks some by-standers where the closest cobbler is.

“You’ll want Olaf Von Gundersen.” says one gentleman. “He isn’t very close by but he’s quick and his prices are just right.”

Having no choice, the man with the broken shoe...

Mr. And Mrs. Wong

Mr. And Mrs. Wong had a kid. But the kid was born white.
Mr. And Mrs. Wong was confused because two Wongs don't make a white.
So they named the kid "Sum Ting Wong"

(Translated from my dialect)

A man moves from China to the US looking for work

After he and his wife settle in, they find themselves prospering in their new country. Years later, they have a son, who grows up to be a powerful and respected businessman. One day, he comes home with a woman wrapped around his arm

"Mom, Dad" he says,"This is Tiffany Wong." His parents are...

It was just another day in the jungle, and the little tailor store was open as usual.

*ting a-ling-ting* The door jingles open and in walks a flea, a spider and a rat.

They all ask to be measured up and fitted for suits.

"Step this way", says the tailor and begins measuring up the flea with his tiny teeny tape measure.

"You're pretty fat for a flea", he says, a...

Hans Olaffsen

Walking through Chinatown, a tourist is fascinated with all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners.

He turns a corner and sees a building with the sign, "Hans Olaffsen's Laundry."

"Hans Olaffsen?", he muses. "How the heck does that fit in here?"

So he walks into the s...

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Have you ever tried masturbating with a bell attached to your penis?

I've got to tell you, it's a dick ting.

What do you call an autistic Chinese baby?

Sum Ting-Wong

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Jamaican debaters only want one thing

and it's to fucking discuss tings.

The Pope gets off a plane at JFK international airport...

He tells the limo to get in the back
“Why?” The limo driver replies.
“Because I’m the f#&$’n Pope” Said the Pope.
Next thing you know the limo’s going down the Brooklyn Bridge doin like 30 over the limit.
Cop pulls him over.
Pope rolls down the window
“Water you whining about” ...

Have you heard about the broke ornithologist?

His budgie-ting skills were horrible!

A Jewish guy walking through Chinatown notices a jewelry shop with has a big sign that says - Abe Goldberg jewelry.

He walks in and asks to meet Abe Goldberg. A Chinese man comes out from the back and says - herro, I Abe Golber.

The Jewish guy says, you're Abe Goldberg??? How did you get that name?

The Chinese man tells how when he was at Ellis Island, the guy in line before him was Abe Goldberg. ...

The teacher asked little Johnny..........

The teacher asked little Johnny, “What’s two and two?”.
He counted 1-2-3-4 on his fingers and said, “Four, teacher?”.
She said, ” Yes, that’s right, but you counted on your fingers. Put your hands behind behind your back and tell me what’s three and three”.
He put his hands behind his back,...

A guy visits NYC for the first time and decides to go see Chinatown.

As he’s walking around, amongst all the Chinese shops he spots a bakery called “Hans Olufsen’s Bakery”. Feeling curious, he walks in. Inside he sees an all Chinese staff, with several Chinese pastries on display. Even more curious, he notices the guy who looks like the manager and talks to him:
<...

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Vell, Ole and Lena went to the same Lutheran Church...

Lena went every Sunday and taught Sunday School. Ole went on Christmas and Easter, and once in awhile he went on one of the other Sundays. On one of those Sundays, he was in the pew right behind Lena and he noticed vhat a fine looking woman she was.

Vhile dey were taking up the collection, O...

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Three men were going through Holy Orders to become priests...

They had passed all the tests up to this point and we're ready for the final test. They stood before the bishop and he told them that the final test would prove their devotion to God. They were instructed to take all their clothes off and tie little bells around their dicks.

The bishop told t...

How to speak Chinese

That's not right..................................Sum Ting Wong

Are you harbouring a fugitive?...............Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me asap......................................Kum Hia Nao

Stupid man........................................Dum Gai

Small horse....

sea

When you swim in the sea, and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
When your eyes glass over and shine like you’ve broken your spine, that’s a moray.
The ambulance bells will ring, and they’ll ting
And you’ll siiiiing
“That’s a moray”
When the jaws open wide and there’s more teeth ...

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I wrote this one yesterday. Hopefully it's worth the read...

It was 1987 and Mr O'Neal had been working in his tailor shop for little creatures solidly, all year!

*ting-ting-ting-ting-tinnng... ting* The door jingles open and in hops a flea.

He approaches the tailor and says, "The big dance is tonight. I need the finest suit in your store".
...

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NSFW Why does Captain America watch incest porn?

It makes the southern parts of him all tingly.

Firefighters

One night outside a small town in Southern Ireland, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all fire departments for miles around. When the fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company presi...

What do you call a cow that's had an abortion?

Decaffeinated! Bah dum dum...ting

2 drums and a cymbal were thrown off the cliff.

*Bud dum ting*

What do you call a muppet hanging itself?

Kermit-ting suicide.

My neighbors came around the neighborhood this morning with flyers complaining about how someone stole their delivered dinner from their front stoop last night.

If you ask me, it feels like an overreaction for some poorly seasoned vegetables, overcooked salmon, and the lemon-tinged green beans, all of which had already gone cold anyway.

If your friend makes you feel sick, they're probably toxic.

If they give you a tingly feeling, they're probably radioactive.

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In light of people getting slapped by the pope.

There was this poor old guy named Donald who hears that the pope is going on tour and will be parading through his town. Donald was very excited that he might get a chance to meet the pope and shake his hand. So he decided to make a plan. He thought that the pope would want to meet the richest man i...

The Chinese immigrant

There's an old Chinese guy in my hometown who goes by Giacomo Antonelli. One day, I asked him how he ended up with an Italian name. He said that when he came to the US, he somehow got on the wrong ship and ended up traveling the long way from China to New York instead of San Francisco. The guy in fr...

What do you call creepy wind chimes?

Stranger Tings

I was in a bar the other night...

...and overheard three very hefty women talking.
Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, ladies are you from Scotland?"
One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales you bloody idiot, Wales!"
So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales fro...

Irishman walks up to an Englishman...

...and says, "Look, here's de ting: why are some of are werds missin' de letter 'H'? Lissen to de way aye say 'ting', fer example. Aye tink the British have been stealin' some of our H's, dat's what I tink!" The British man replies, "Don't be shtupid."

Some of my favorite Scandinavian UFF DA jokes

Ole and Lars were business partners and good friends. One day Lars started off for work and discovered he'd forgotten his tools. Returning home, he looked around for his wife, Lena, and finally found her in the bedroom. To his surprise, she was on the bed with no clothes on. "Vat in the vorld are yo...

A classic

Judge "I see by your filing sir that you are suing the defendant for damages and injuries received when his cattle truck ran a red light and broadsided your car, now the damages I can understand but the defendant has provided a police report that says you claimed to be uninjured at the scene, why ar...

What's the difference between a wind chime from Germany and a wind chime from Jamaica?

Not a ting

Walking through San Francisco 's Chinatown ,

a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners......When he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry.'

'Moishe Plotnik?' he wondered. "How does that belong in Chinatown ?"

He walked int...

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Hans Wolfgang

A man, (lets call him Adam) is walking through his new city neighborhood looking for a dry-cleaners. He goes on to find one cleaners called "Hals Wolfgang's Express Clean." Curious, he walks in the building to find it almost empty, exept for the manager, a small, old, asian man. Adam walks up to the...

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