UPJOKE
mammapaptitmouseknockernippleteatbosombreastmammillamamillamammary glandtatskirmishbrinkmanshipass

Tit Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was walking down the street with her left tit out...

A policeman stops her and says

_"Miss, do you know your left tit is hanging out?"_

She looks down says

_"Shit! I left the baby on the bus again!"_

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time there lived a ravishing Queen with huge tits..

Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague,Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor.Horatio thought about...

I hate it when youtubers have really big tit...

les and I click on the video purely to see what they named their video

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a preteen, all I wanted was a girlfriend with big tits. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits,

but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

Wh...

What do you say to a person, who is about to suck on an ape's tit?

Bon appetit

Tit for Tat

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that student isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" student says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Student says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what did one saggy tit say to the other?

If we don't get some support around here people are gonna think we're nuts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tattoo artist went to a coffee place and ordered coffee but forgot his wallet...

so he tells the woman at the counter that he can't pay for it. The woman gets angry at first and then asks "What can we do about this situation?" The tattoo artist says "Well I can give you a tattoo for free instead and we can call it even". The woman thinks for a while, reluctantly agrees to it and...

What should you do when you see a blue tit?

Say the safe word and take the ropes off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Are pirates ass men or tit men

Ass men. It’s all about the quality of the booty, not the size of the chest.

Came up with this a few months ago and keep forgetting to post it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God: "Adam, I'll let you name the birds"

Adam: "Tit"

God: "Uhh ok"

Adam: "Boobie"

God: "Stop naming them after breasts"

Adam: *Looks at rooster*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tits are like Lego bricks.

They're there for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.

If the Titan is used to explore the wreck of the Titanic, what explores the wreck of the Titan?

The Tit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I Asked My Wife For The Rake

I was doing yard work after the storm this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn’t find the rake. I yelled up to my wife, “Where’s the rake?”

She couldn’t hear me and she shouted back, “What?”

I pointed to my eye, then I pointed to my knee and made a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife is brilliant. She never says no to a shag, has great tits and even swallows.

But her bird collecting has gone far enough now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An eagle who had just been divorced went out looking for new love one day...

He was flying around, and on the ground he spotted a dove. He flew down,
had a bit of ding dong with the dove,
then flew away. The little dove laid there and said...

"I am a little dove, I've had a bit of love, but I liked it."

The eagle was still flying around, and on the ground...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was telling a girl I met in a bar last night about my uncanny ability to guess the day a woman was born on just by feeling her tits.

"Really?" she said. "Go on then... Try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on," she demanded, "What day was I born on?"

"Yesterday?" I replied.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Martinis are like tits...

Ones not enough and threes too many

(my grandpa's favorite joke)

A woman got breast implants made of wood yesterday.

This joke would be funny if it had a punchline

Wooden tit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you show me your boobs, I'll show you my tattoos.

Tit for tat.

I met a girl with 12 nipples today, sounds weird

Dozen tit?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tattoo parlour in my neighborhood is offering a free tattoo to anyone who would flash their boobs.

It’s their Tit for Tat special.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

my wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.

I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bet you one dollar I can touch your tit without touching your clothes

fuck it, it's just one dollar

Tit for tat

A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married. The gentleman replied, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman ... I guess I've been looking for the perfect girl."


"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry?"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What sound does a tit make when you press it?

*Boob

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks past a sign reading, "Tits - £10 each, Swallows for £30, £50 for a Shag", so the man walks in and asks, "how much for anal?"

The woman slaps him and shouts, "SIR! This is an aviary!!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

'Earth' without 'Art' is just 'Eh'.

Just like 'The United States of America' without 'heunedtatesam' is just 'Tits of Erica'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend invited me Great Tit watching

Turned out it wasn't bird watching at all, but did see great tits.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend started a tattoo parlor that only accepts payment in the form of flashing.

They named it tit for tat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

She let me touch her tit when I showed her my new tattoo.

Tit for Tat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Here's a joke: What'd one tit say to the other after the bra came off?

Nothing, they just hung out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Famed pirates Anne Bonny and Mary Read would board ships with their tits out to distract and intimidate enemy sailors.

It had no effect on their own crew because pirates only care about booty.

Six girls walking around naked sounds weird

Dozen tit?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

...."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."


The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your ass and lick it al...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Nun was taking a bath when there was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" She asked. The voice back replies "It's the blind man, can I come in?" The Nun thinks for a moment and says "yes that's fine". The door opens and the man says.

Nice tits, where you want me to hang the blinds?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was having a shower

when the door-bell rang.

"It's the blind man" he called.

That's ok, she thought so she quickly ran downstairs naked to open the door.

"Nice tits" he said. "Now, where do you want those blinds?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You can't spell advertisements without

semen between the tits

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm looking for a woman who has great tits and swallows

Signed: Ben the ornithologist

Daffy Duck is a massive tit.

If his initials are anything to go by.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[seriously] Joke Request or Challenge, however you want to look at tit.

I am not as creative, nor as clever as many of you. So that is why I am asking for help.

I have a router that broadcasts 3 signals: 2 are mine (2.4Ghz, and 5Ghz) the 3rd is guest (which is optional) access.

I would like a witty or cleaver name to use in these 2 slots. They have a max o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me and my wife came to an agreement. She would let me get a tattoo if I let her get a breast augmentation

Tit for tat you could say

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A deaf couple wants to know when to have sex...

The wife says, "If you want to have sex, squeeze my tits once. If you don't want to have sex, squeeze my tits twice."

The husband says, "OK if you want to have sex, pull my dick once. If you don't want to have sex, pull my dick 437 times."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It has been scientifically proven that girls reach the age of puberty earlier than boys…

Girls develop tits around the age of thirteen, boys develop them around the age of forty…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What would you call Mike Tyson if he was a villain in Star Wars?

A Tit Lord

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mother superior tells two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. One nun suggests to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The nuns look at each other and one nun says, "He's blind, so he can't see. What could it hurt?" They let him in. The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you wan...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Irish men in a pub…

… called Mick, Pat and Tat. The barman says "Are you all related?"

Mick said "Yeah we're triplets!"

Barman said "Triplets!, how come you and Pat are 6ft tall and Tat is only 4ft tall?",

"Well!" said Mick "Me and Pat were
breast fed so there was no tit for Tat!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Easy way to search your wife.

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said,
"I've lost my wife here in the supermarket."
"Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled.
"Why talk to me?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day

one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he's depositing

"I win it through gambling" he answers

"nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling"

"wanna proof? how about we bet on 1000$ that...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tits are like pizza...

...It doesn't matter what size, they're all good.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the prostitues fresh ink?

She traded tit for tat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Apple announced a breast implant that plays music...

The iTit is considered a major social break through since women have always complained that men stare at their breasts but never listen to them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy says to a Blonde girl.

I bet I can guess when you were born just by fondling your tits,

no way says the Blonde, go on then, so 20 minutes later the

Blonde says OK when was I born?

Guy says: Yesterday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself
a complete makeover, She told him,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said,"I bought th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bra, car battery and some jumper cables walk into a bar..

The car battery and jumper cables go find a seat while the bra asks the bartender for 3 beers. The bartender replies, "I'm not serving you! You're obviously off your tits and your two mates look like they're about to start something."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins !" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock Cit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On their 50th anniversary, a woman asks her husband, "What did you think of me when you first met me?"

The husband replies, "I wanted to fuck your brains out and suck your tits dry." The woman then asks, "What do think of me now?" The husband takes a good slow look, running his eyes up and down all over her body. Finally, he answers, "I think I did a pretty good job."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Celibacy or .....

Before being ordained 6 priests had to stand nude with a bell tied to their cocks. Anyone whose bell rang had no spiritual purity. A naked girl with big tits & a shaved fanny danced before each one. 1st priest no reaction. She went down the line with no response from them till she reached last p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Nuns are ordered to paint a room

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope contracts a rare terminal illness.

The best specialists were quietly called in from around the world for consultation. After much debate and research, they determined that the only hope to save the Pope's life was for him to have sexual relations with a woman. His advisors were notified and they in turn spoke in confidence with the p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s metal and has a dozen tits?

The bin out the back of the breast cancer clinic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What if trees had breasts?

It wood be nice, wooden tit.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my mate has started dating twins!

I asked him the other day "how do you tell them apart?"

He said

"Well, Stacy is the blonde with a perfect ass, great tits, and a fantastic figure...


... And Brian's got a cock"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wakes up in the hospital. An attractive nurse says “you were in a bad accident and you can’t feel anything from the waist down”…

So the man replies, “well then can I feel your tits?”


-Gilbert Gottfried original told on the Doug Loves Movies podcast. RIP Gilbert.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two cowboys are out riding the range and talking about their favorite sex positions

The first cowboy says the “rodeo” position is his favorite.

The second cowboy says he’s never heard of it before and asks how to do it.

The first cowboy responds, “Well, you mount your lady from behind then reach down and grab her tits. Then you whisper ‘these feel almost as good as ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My small grandson got lost in the shopping mall.... (NSFW-ish)

My small grandson got lost in the shopping mall....

He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The guard asked, "What's his name?"

"Grandpa"

The guard smiles then asked, "What's he like?"

The boy hesitated for a moment then replies,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is the area between a woman's chest and hips called a waist?

...because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man sees a lady in a bar with a large bosom...

He asks, "Excuse me, can I bite your tits for a thousand dollars?" She says, "Hell yea!" So they go to a secluded corner, and she opens her blouse. The man puts his face in her tits for nearly five minutes. Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He says, "Nah, it's too expensive."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There’s a Nun taking a Bath

And she hears a knock at the door.

She gets worried so she yells “who is it?”

Guy replies “it’s the blind man”

Nun says “oh okay, come in”

Blind guy says “Nice tits, now where do you want the blinds?”

*Heard this today, did not do any due diligence to see if it wa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Difference between twins

I've fucked a set of twins.
People have asked me how hard it was to tell them apart, but it was actually quite easy. You see, Caroline was a redhead with an amazing pair of tits,
And frank had a cock.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun goes for a bath

Ten minutes in there's a knock on the door. She looks around to grab her towel but must have left it in the bedroom. She peeps out the window to see who has called.


''Who's there'' she yells
" Hi Sister Kathleen, it's the blind man " is the response


" He's probably loo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Psychiatrist

A guy goes to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist draws a circle and shows it to him.

"What's this?" asks the psychiatrist.

"A tit," says the guy.

The psychiatrist then draws a square.

"What's this?

"It's a tit," says the guy.

The psychiatrist then draws a tria...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with big tits?

One is a crusty bus station,
the other is a busty crustacean

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two blokes were on a plane one day.......

........ and they were sitting side by side. Coincidentally, they each had one black eye. They started talking.. 'hey mate do you mind if I ask how you got your black eye?'. 'Yeah no worries', the other one responded. 'I was at the airport check in and when I got to the counter, I couldn't help but ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was asked, “Tits man or ass man?”

I really wish I had gotten there earlier when they were giving out super hero names...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man visits an old tavern

and sees an artist carving a beautiful pair of breasts into the veneer on the back wall. The entire upper section of the tavern has fantastic pairs of tits carved all over, and it is quite a sight to behold.

The man asks the artist, "is this all your work?"

The artist responds, "it is....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

blonde with big tits

A guy walks in and asks the bartender Isn't that Bush and Condi Rice sitting over there?



A guy walks in and asks the bartender Isn't that Bush and Condi Rice sitting over there?



The bartender says Yep that's them.



So the guy walks over and says Wow this i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How does a snake hold up her tits?

With a Co-Bra.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman flashed her tits at me today....

I just sat there and giggled like a school boy.



Then she said to me " will you stop mucking around and check this lump, doctor."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated a girl who had bad eczema on her chest.....

Lovely girl, cracking pair of tits.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mate is shagging twins

My mates shagging twins who both like it up the arse. I asked how he tells them apart?

"That's easy", he said. "Sally's got massive tits and a nice shaved pussy. Derek has a moustache and big hairy bollocks"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alternative phrases to “calm your tits”

• Soothe your boobs
• Hakuna your tatas
• Give that rack a rest
• Don’t have a rack attack

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher asks her students to use the word fascinate in a sentence.

First she calls on Sussy. "My dad and I went to the movies and we were fascinated!" Sussy says.
"Well that's pretty good, but I wanted you to use fascinate not fascinated."

So she calls on Mary next. "My family went to the zoo, and it was fascinating!" Mary says.
"That's not bad either,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman gets out the shower

A woman is just getting out the shower when there's a knock at the door. She doesn't have a towel at hand so she shouts, "Who is it?".

"It's the blind man"

Realising the towel no longer matters, she opens the door.

The blind man says, "Nice tits, love. Where do you want the blin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband grabs her tits....

...and yells Merry Titmas honey! Wife whacks his balls....and yells Jingle Balls to you too!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once there lived a horny man (NSFW)

There was once a horny man, who always wanted to suck the Queen's tits. He kept fantasizing, but he knew that he could never do it. He got a friend who was in the King's Palace, so he decided to ask him for help. The Friend agreed to help the horny man to fulfill his dream, but the horny man should ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Alabama girl sees her mother showering

An Alabama girl sees her mother showering. She sees her tits and asks: "Mom, what is that on your chest?"

The mother says: "Nothing important sweetie, you'll get them too when you are older!"

Later in the day, she sees her father showering. She sees her dad's dick and asks: "What's tha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lady jumps out of the shower and door bell rings...

\- "Who is it?" she yells, trying to find her robe.

\- "It's the blind man"

The lady goes to the door topless and opens it.

\- "Nice tits lady! Now, where do you want your blinds installed?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a girl with no tits?

You don't call her

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Winter is nearly here...

Winter is nearly here & our native birds will soon be finding food scarce. Please go to the pet shop & buy a bag of nuts for our feathered friends. There's no finer sight on a winters morning then a pair of tits around your nut sack. Just remember however its a bit late in the year to expect...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"What a lovely pair of Blue Tits" said one Bird Watcher to the other

"Will you please shut up!" shouted everyone else at the Avatar 2 screening

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors,

all of whom could not figure out how to cure him. Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinals that he had some good news and some bad news. The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was tha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly woman goes to the doctor for a check up. NSFW

The old woman enters the doctors room and the doctor asks her to sit on the table so he can examine her. He starts by testing her reflexes.

The doctor takes out his reflex hammer and taps on one knee. The elderly woman gasps but her leg doesn't jerk. Concerned the doctor hits the other knee,...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An 80 year old grandma wants to join an outlaw biker gang

The gang leader says "Well, do you have a bike?"

"Sure! I just bought a new Harley!"

"Are you ok with drugs?"

"I should hope so, I take 20 pills a day!"

"Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"

"No, but I got swung around by the tits once!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me: *Stares at Medusa's tits*

Medusa: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Me: *Already rock hard*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nuns are painting the chapel on a hot summer day.

Nuns are performing a much-needed renovation on the chapel. Today they paint... and the AC isn't working great (that's getting fixed tomorrow). It's a sweltering hot summer day, so they decide that since they're all sisters in Christ, they'll just lock the doors and strip of their gowns and other cl...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.