UPJOKE
deathheartbloodaveragelitertraumaveinbrainstrokearteryinjurychestheadcomorbidityanxiety

Bleeding Out Jokes

How do you stop a lawyer from bleeding out?

Attorney kit.

What do you call a confederate that's bleeding out?

A rebel without a gauze

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Russian Mafia boss Semion Mogilevich, Japanese Yakuza boss Kenichi Shinoda, American Gangster boss Al Capone and Mexican Cartel boss El Chapo Guzman are in a plane.

They have been on a flight for hours and are all bored.

Mogilevich says: "I'm bored, let's see which mafia has the biggest balls" he looks over at one of his henchman and says "Hey I order you to slit your throat." The henchman does exactly as he says and bleeds out in front of them.

M...

There was a man who was in love with tractors

He really loved his tractors, he had tractor posters on his walls, dvds about tractors, he owned a lot of tractors…this man loved his tractors.
But there was one thing he loved more than his tractors, his lovely wife. One day she was out in the fields and she got crushed by a tractor, she was squ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Russians are getting so low on guns in the Ukraine invasion that Ivan was given a broomstick with a banana tied to it instead.

What am I supposed to do with this he asked his CO? Don't be ungrateful for what glorious Mother Russia has given you he answered, just point it at the enemy and say "Bangety Bang Bang". OK, I guess I can try that Ivan said, what's the banana for though? That's a bayonet you stupid ass said the CO, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American, a Mexican, and a Canadian are all shipwrecked on a tropical island..

When they are taken captive by the local tribe. The tribal lead tells them "the bad news is, we are going to kill you. We will use your bones for our tools, your muscle for food, and your flesh for our canoes. The good news is, we will let you choose how we kill you.

The American chooses to ...

A man jumps off a cliff with faith that God will save him

The man hits the ground full force and is left barely alive and bleeding out. A doctor passing by notices the struggling man and says, "Sir, I'm a doctor, please let me help you!" To which the man replies, "Get away from me! I have faith that God will heal me!" And the doctor walks away. Another doc...

Mods removed my post from r/showerthoughts

I created a post titled “Falling in the shower can be fatal” but the mods removed it DESPITE having that thought in the shower.

So, not only am I missing out on Karma, but I STILL don’t know how to stop myself from bleeding out on the bathroom floor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A classic joke from my childhood.

There is the private in the army. On the day before he was about to be sent to the front lines, he has to visit the quartermasters and get issued his weapons.

Unfortunately, he overslept and ended up being very last in line. When he finally made it to the desk, the gun master regretted to inf...

A German officer watches over his outpost during the Great War.

He's polishing his handgun when one of his soldiers below sounds the alarm. Down he rushes, gun in hand, to see a battle going on between his men and the British. He joins his men, and the fight seems to go on for hours. The gunfire only stops when out of the sky comes an artillery shell, destroying...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Spaniard, a Frenchman, and an American are on a rain-forest expedition...

When suddenly, out of nowhere, they are captured by a tribe of cannibals. The chief of the tribe has the men brought before him.

"Our tribe has lasted for many, many seasons." he says, "Mainly due to our chiefs being able to make changes to benefit our tribe. I have decided that during **my**...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A kid'a parents didn't want him to learn bad words...

*English isn't my first language so tell me if there are any mistakes*

So one day the father was taking the kid to the mall for a haircut, they walk out the door and the father suddenly remembers he forgot his keys.

He forgets him and his SO's idea and says "Shit! I forgot my keys" th...

A gambler walks into an underground casino with $100 in cash.

He immediately heads for the roulette table and slams it all down on red 34.

The roulette wheel spins... aaaaannnd.... black 26.

Just like that, he loses all of his money.

He walks over to the Casino Manager and begs him for an alternative method of payment so he can continue...

A man walks into a bar, at night

He walks in and is seated next to the most beautiful woman he's ever seen in his life. All he can think about is how he has to marry her. He strikes a conversation with her and they hit it off. They leave the bar and as they're walking out she gives him her number, her name was Lela.

They had...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.