Why did the black hole get arrested

It commited mass murder

Two astronauts are falling into a black hole while telling jokes.

One turns to the other and says "I'm afraid we're not aware of the gravity of the situation."

Two black holes are jogging in space.

One says "You should slim down to get more attractive."

"Are you dense?" replies the other.

​

A black hole will devour the earth.

Sucks, doesn't it?

Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.

The black hole couldn't escape.

What's the only thing that can pleasure a supermassive black hole?

A Large Hard-on Collider

Man walks into a black hole and orders a drink.

Bartender says why the long face?

An amateur physicist was sucked into a black hole

Apparently, he didn't comprehend the gravity of the situation.

Strip clubs are deplorable. They're a moral black hole where the worst of the male half come to ogle at objectified naked women and frankly I feel they should be banned and anyone who walks through the door called out as a pervert.

...

But since we're here...

A black hole walks into a bar and orders a drink...

The bartender asks if he'd like food with that.

The black hole said "no thanks, I'm a light eater."

I put a black hole in my living room.

It's great. Really pulls the room together.

Why are black holes fascinating objects in the universe?

Once you go black, you never go back.

A Black Hole Conundrum

I understand that people are attracted to black holes, but I don't know how they see anything in them.

What did the black holes say when they collided?

Nothing, they just waved.

(Sorry)

I was about to make a joke on black holes but

I guess it doesn't matter

Why isn't it a big deal to get sucked into a black hole?

Cause in there, nothing is the matter.

What do Black Holes and the Catholic Church have in common?

They both have a lot of mass that you cannot escape!

I was arguing with a black hole.

Great conversationalist, but too dense to listen.

What are denser than black holes?

Flat earthers

A star walks into a black hole...

... but it doesn't seem phazed. The black hole turns to the star and says, "Sir, I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation."

Black holes are great

Better than great, really. They're de-light-full

A cow with no voice is thrown into a black hole

An immoovable object meets an unstoppable force.

Don't read discussions in /r/ask science about black holes.

It will pull you in.

Girl, you're like a supermassive black hole...

...because you're incredibly dense, nothing is more attactive than you, and once you suck me in there's no going back.

Did you hear the news about the collision between two black holes?

It's really making waves.

How do you show your appreciation towards black holes?

Thanks for nothing!

What do the USA and a black hole have in common?

They both have a problem with mass incarceration.

Meeting your ex IRL is like staring into a black hole

There should be something there, but there isn't. And it sucks.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Neil DeGrasse Tyson made a porno.

It’s called “Neil DeGrasse Tyson explores black holes”

The heaviest things in the universe

3 - Neutron stars

2 - Black holes

1 - The collective weight of the people who thought this was a yo momma joke

An astronaut who travelled to the edge of the universe noticed an anomalous reading...

...his shuttle readings came back to inform him there was a flat solid matter extending from his location to the universe's horizon, like a path.

He approached cautiously but a black hole suddenly formed behind the ship. The spacecraft went haywire, lights blinking, alarms blaring and he bare...

An astronaut walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "what brings you in today?"

The astronaut says, "well, I didn't *planet.* It's just that my wife - don't get me wrong, she's my whole *universe,* - has left a great big *crater* in my heart. I was *over the moon* when she and I got married, but recently she's been saying s...

My teacher says I’m a time waster and too dense.

I told her I absorb everything but the information just gets lost.

She didn’t believe me and is now forever circling.

Sucks being a black hole...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What is Stephan Hawking's favorite porn genre?

Ebony. The dude loves black holes.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A moth goes to the dentist.

"Come in," says the dentist, "What's the problem?"
The moth drops down into the chair and says "What's the problem? I don't even know where to start. First of all, my boss is a vicious tyrant who gets off on the petty torments he puts me through day in and day out, and I'm too spineless to stand ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

John really loves black women, but can never seem to date one. He seeks help from his friends.

He meets up with them: "Guys, I am 27 years old. Soon I'll settle down with a nice girl and build a family. But whatever happens, I really want to date a black girl. I fear that when I'll get married, I won't ever be able to fulfill this desire of mine."


Robert, his stoner friend, suggest...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why is Uranus classified as a planet

and not as a Black Hole?

I went to a space museum today but was a bit disappointed...

It was completely empty! Well, except for the black hole on display, but it sucked.

Why does Stephen Hawking date African Americans?

Because he loves to study black holes.

Don't trust any diet advice that tells you to eat light...

For that's most certainly the way to become a black hole.

A fisherman catches a magic newt in his net

The newt is startled at first but he looks around and sees that the net is actually rather large. Huge in fact, it seems to cover the entire pond! Realising that this isn't really a problem after all, he continues about his usual magic newt daily business. He swims around for a bit, visiting all of ...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third guy a quarter of a beer, the fourth guy get a eighth of a beer the fifth orders a sixteenth of a beer...

The bar then collapses into a black hole due to the crowd.

Why is Neil Degrasse Tyson such a famous physicist?...

On the day he was born he escaped a black hole...... and then he spent his life studying them.

Stellar objects and radio waves?

I always wondered, when hearing stellar bodies like pulsars, quasars and black holes emit radio waves, the following:

1) Are these waves akin to AM/FM/VHF/UHF type signals in that they transmit signals and sound?
2) If not, are these "waves" just variations in the redshift of hydrogen?
...

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar...

...which quickly becomes overcrowded. The bartender trying to take jocular orders for one beer than half a beer than a quarter of a beer and so on and so forth is crushed to death as are all the other patrons. And the mathematicians themselves, of course. Still they walk in. Somehow they force thems...

Have you heard the latest joke about physicists?

It collapsed into a black hole.

How do you know Stephen Hawking has jungle fever?

He knows a lot about black holes

You know you are a Physics nerd when....

Yo mamma so fat she attracts black holes

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jokes for the week of 4/6-4/12

A French breast scientist advises against wearing bras after a thorough study, thus tying for the best job ever and the best news ever.

A GOP rep said not gays nor NAMBLA can redefine marriage. Thankfully, nine fabulous people in robes can. ‪#suckit‬ ‪#nohomo‬ ‪#somehomo‬ ‪#yeshomo‬

Ki...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Apparently they're making a porno opera based on the music of Muse

They're calling it 'Supermassive Black Hole'