UPJOKE
event horizonmassneutron starbinary starsolar massmilky wayquasarspacetimeblack bodygalaxymatterno-hair theoremelectric chargetemperaturestar

How did the black hole lose so much weight?

It's simple, he ate light!
upvote downvote report

Why don't black holes get good grades ?

They aren't bright enough.
upvote downvote report

If you aren't impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole

you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation
upvote downvote report

I put a black hole in my living room.

It's great. Really pulls the room together.
upvote downvote report

Why do all planets want to date black holes?

Because they're so attractive!
upvote downvote report

An astronaut fell into a black hole...

After, a NASA official was explaining the situation to the dead astronaut's, now widowed, wife.

"What do you mean he was spaghettified?" The widow interjects.

The official replies, "I'm sorry. Your husband has... Pasta way..."
upvote downvote report

A black hole walks into a bar

A black hole walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender asks if it would like food with that.

The black hole says, "No thanks, I'm a light eater."
upvote downvote report

It took 8 of the world's most powerful telescopes to take a picture of a black hole.

They could of just asked for a screenshot of my bank account.
upvote downvote report

What did the black holes say when they collided?

Nothing, they just waved.

(Sorry)
upvote downvote report

What happens to Musk when he approaches a black hole?

He gets Elongated
upvote downvote report

What did the black hole say after it swallowed an asteroid?

"It was good, but I wish it been a little meteor."
upvote downvote report

Be careful today when searching "Giant Black Hole Pics"

All I keep getting are scientific articles.
upvote downvote report

What did the black hole say to the photon passing through its galactic backyard?

“Get bent.”
upvote downvote report

A black hole walks into a bar...

Bartender says "Oh not you again!"

"Yeah it's me, set me up"

"Usual light beer?" says the bartender.

"Of course, bring on the puns"

Lady at the bar "So your the famous blackhole we have been hearing so much about and that you know the answer to every joke"

Blackhol...
upvote downvote report

What do vegan black holes say?

"I'm on a strictly planet based diet"
upvote downvote report

Did you hear about the astronaut who was nonchalant about flying near a black hole?

He didn't understand the gravity of the situation.

Ba dum tiss.
upvote downvote report

What’s the difference between a black hole and a Mediterranean museum?

The museum has many Cretian dishes, but the hole only has one accretion disk.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NASA recently decided to launch Uranus into a black hole

Personally I don't think it's a good idea to be rubbing Uranus and Heranus together.

Due to spaghettification, if Elon Musk flew his shuttle through a Black Hole...

he would become Elon Gated.
upvote downvote report

Someone was falling into a black hole

The gravity of their situation was really becoming apparent.
upvote downvote report

How come when NASA shows pictures of their black hole, it’s “breaking news”

But when I show pictures of mine it’s an “HR violation”
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a rude black hole?

A masshole.

Everybody talks about how amazing the first black hole photo is

I think it's badly underexposed.
upvote downvote report

I told my friend, a black hole, the best joke I had in the book

They said they didn’t get it. I said “Wow, you’re dense”
upvote downvote report

The first image of a Black Hole will be revealed today

it will pull everyone together
upvote downvote report

Why did it take scientists so long to get a picture of a black hole?

If they wanted a picture of something devouring all life force around them, they could have just asked for a picture of my mother in law.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you fuck a supermassive black hole?

With a big bang.

Some people don’t know why the black hole picture is such a big deal...

Honestly, they just don’t get the gravity of it.
upvote downvote report

An amateur physicist was sucked into a black hole

Apparently, he didn't comprehend the gravity of the situation.
upvote downvote report

I went to the Black Hole Nightclub.

It was really boring but the potential was infinite.
upvote downvote report

The supermassive black hole in the core of the Messier 87 galaxy measures 40 billion km across, three million times the size of the Earth, and has a mass 6.5 billion times that of the Sun.

Almost as big as your mom.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Neutron Star wanders near a Black Hole...

Neutron Star: Hey, imma just pass by real quick."

Black Hole: \*Laughs\* You dense motherfucker.

I see the black hole all over Reddit today...

It’s the only one without a NSFW tag.
upvote downvote report

People keep talking about black holes

I guess they have a lot of mass appeal.
upvote downvote report

A guy tells me that black holes aren't frightening

But I don't think he understands the gravity of the situation here.
upvote downvote report

What are denser than black holes?

Flat earthers
upvote downvote report

A star walks into a black hole

But the star doesn't seem to be fazed.

The black hole says, "Sir, I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation."
upvote downvote report

In the first photo of a black hole

, scientists will find a large number of headphones, lipstick, umbrella, charging treasure, data cable, single socks, ...
upvote downvote report

What is more heavy, one pound of your dad or one pound of a black hole?

Its relative.
upvote downvote report

What's the only thing that can pleasure a supermassive black hole?

A Large Hard-on Collider
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I see people disliking black hole

If it was bleached then maybe they would like it

Then again, some ass holes need to lighten up

I was arguing with a black hole.

Great conversationalist, but too dense to listen.
upvote downvote report

Yo mama so fat

She has a watch for every time zone she's in,
When she walks past the tv, you miss 8 seasons,
She beat galactus in a planet-eating contest,
Thanos couldn't snap her out of existence,
Flash died before he could do a lap around her
And she ate a black hole because she was hungry
upvote downvote report

Meeting your ex IRL is like staring into a black hole

There should be something there, but there isn't. And it sucks.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the black hole say to the Catholic priest?

"I'm sorry, father. I'm rather critical of mass."

We need more jokes about the black hole

Said no one ever
upvote downvote report

They finally released the first picture of the black hole the other day.

I found the story really sucks you in and helps you grasp the gravity of the situation.
upvote downvote report

Two black holes have a rendezvous.

Turns one to the other and says "Do you find me attractive?"
upvote downvote report

The first picture of a black hole was released today

but technology will need another century before it can capture an image of your mom.
upvote downvote report

A cow with no voice is thrown into a black hole

An immoovable object meets an unstoppable force.
upvote downvote report

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's common between assholes and black holes?

They both suck duhh.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Niels Bohr: "So Let me get this straight. If I was having sex with my girlfriend and I thrust at the speed of light, would my penis gain infinite mass?"

Albert Einstein: "I suppose it would. One thing is for sure, you'd certainly create a black hole..."

The new image shows the black hole having bright ring formed as photons from light gets drawn in the intense gravity around a black hole that is 6.5 billion times more massive than the Sun…

..but it still doesn't suck more than your Mom.
upvote downvote report

There's a petition going around to name the black hole after Chris Cornell from Soundgarden

There gonna call it the cornhole
upvote downvote report

Why are black holes so popular at parties?

Because they bring everyone together.
upvote downvote report

What do Black Holes and the Catholic Church have in common?

They both have a lot of mass that you cannot escape!
upvote downvote report

How do you show your appreciation towards black holes?

Thanks for nothing!
upvote downvote report

Did you hear the latest news from black holes?

​Nothing has come out
upvote downvote report

Did you hear the news about the collision between two black holes?

It's really making waves.
upvote downvote report

What do the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

They both circle the black hole looking for cling-ons
upvote downvote report

With all that's going on, I told my dad that finishing my degree in astrophysics may not be the kind of science the world needs right now.

He looked away from the TV long enough to say, "Black holes matter."

Sigh... "Yeah, Dad. They are."
upvote downvote report

Why are black holes fascinating objects in the universe?

Once you go black, you never go back.
upvote downvote report

how does a female astronaut pick up men?

"have you ever been inside a black hole?"
upvote downvote report

The deep hole [PG]

Two guys, Jim and Dwight, were out for a hike. While on their jaunt they came across a pitch black hole the size of a minivan. Amazed Dwight walked carefully to the edge. He looked into the utter darkness and exclaimed "Woah! Hey Jim, how deep do you think this goes??"


Jim saunt...
upvote downvote report

A friend said my sense of humor was so dark...

that is was like a black hole. Not even a light pun could escape it.
upvote downvote report

Cosmopology

A grad student was reading through a cosmology working draft when he discovered one that referred to the majority of stars in the sky as Bowie Remnants. Confused, he emailed the professor and asked for an explanation.
Well, a Bowie Remnant is what you get when a bright star tries to collapse i...
upvote downvote report

A Kerr black hole is one with a ring-shaped singularity in it, but the name also sounds a lot like the word "cur".

I'm sure there is a joke in there somewhere, I just can't make it out.
upvote downvote report

It’s amazing that we got a picture of a supermassive black hole 52 million light years away from us...

Maybe, one day we can get a full picture of your mom.
upvote downvote report

Three scientists were awarded the Nobel Prize for their work on black holes. The Trump Administration immediately objected

and said that research would should be directed towards white holes as well.
upvote downvote report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.

Do Not Sell My Personal Information