How did the black hole lose so much weight?

It's simple, he ate light!

Why don't black holes get good grades ?

They aren't bright enough.

If you aren't impressed with the picture of the first Black Hole

you clearly don't understand the gravity of the situation

Why are there no good jokes about black holes?

Because they suck the most.

Why do all planets want to date black holes?

Because they're so attractive!

An astronaut fell into a black hole...

After, a NASA official was explaining the situation to the dead astronaut's, now widowed, wife.

"What do you mean he was spaghettified?" The widow interjects.

The official replies, "I'm sorry. Your husband has... Pasta way..."

What happens to Musk when he approaches a black hole?

He gets Elongated

A black hole walks into a bar

A black hole walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender asks if it would like food with that.

The black hole says, "No thanks, I'm a light eater."

What do vegan black holes say?

"I'm on a strictly planet based diet"

People keep talking about black holes

I guess they have a lot of mass appeal.

How would you describe a black hole?

It sucks

What did the black holes say when they collided?

Nothing, they just waved.


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A Neutron Star wanders near a Black Hole...

Neutron Star: Hey, imma just pass by real quick."

Black Hole: \*Laughs\* You dense motherfucker.

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What do you call a rude black hole?

A masshole.

a black hole walks into a bar

the bartender didn't see it coming.

Be careful today when searching "Giant Black Hole Pics"

All I keep getting are scientific articles.

What did the black hole say after it swallowed an asteroid?

"It was good, but I wish it been a little meteor."

A guy tells me that black holes aren't frightening

But I don't think he understands the gravity of the situation here.

It took 8 of the world's most powerful telescopes to take a picture of a black hole.

They could of just asked for a screenshot of my bank account.

I put a black hole in my living room.

It's great. Really pulls the room together.

I told my friend, a black hole, the best joke I had in the book

They said they didn’t get it. I said “Wow, you’re dense”

How come when NASA shows pictures of their black hole, it’s “breaking news”

But when I show pictures of mine it’s an “HR violation”

A black hole walks into a bar...

Bartender says "Oh not you again!"

"Yeah it's me, set me up"

"Usual light beer?" says the bartender.

"Of course, bring on the puns"

Lady at the bar "So your the famous blackhole we have been hearing so much about and that you know the answer to every joke"


Due to spaghettification, if Elon Musk flew his shuttle through a Black Hole...

he would become Elon Gated.

Why did it take scientists so long to get a picture of a black hole?

If they wanted a picture of something devouring all life force around them, they could have just asked for a picture of my mother in law.

Three scientists were awarded the Nobel Prize for their work on black holes. The Trump Administration immediately objected

and said that research would should be directed towards white holes as well.

Which matter is denser than a black hole?

The grey matter inside lockdown protesters.

Two astrophysicists discussing black holes

One Tells the other: "We need to understand the gravity of this matter"

What is more heavy, one pound of your dad or one pound of a black hole?

Its relative.

Why did the black hole stop uploading to his YouTube channel

He was void of ideas

Everybody talks about how amazing the first black hole photo is

I think it's badly underexposed.

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I see people disliking black hole

If it was bleached then maybe they would like it

Then again, some ass holes need to lighten up

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Why are they saying today will be the first image of a black hole?

I've seen Kim Kardashian's sex tape

A star walks into a black hole

But the star doesn't seem to be fazed.

The black hole says, "Sir, I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation."

Some people don’t know why the black hole picture is such a big deal...

Honestly, they just don’t get the gravity of it.

The first image of a Black Hole will be revealed today

it will pull everyone together

I went to the Black Hole Nightclub.

It was really boring but the potential was infinite.

An amateur physicist was sucked into a black hole

Apparently, he didn't comprehend the gravity of the situation.

I see the black hole all over Reddit today...

It’s the only one without a NSFW tag.

The new image shows the black hole having bright ring formed as photons from light gets drawn in the intense gravity around a black hole that is 6.5 billion times more massive than the Sun…

..but it still doesn't suck more than your Mom.

Two astronauts are falling into a black hole while telling jokes.

One turns to the other and says "I'm afraid we're not aware of the gravity of the situation."

What's the only thing that can pleasure a supermassive black hole?

A Large Hard-on Collider

Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.

The black hole couldn't escape.

A Kerr black hole is one with a ring-shaped singularity in it, but the name also sounds a lot like the word "cur".

I'm sure there is a joke in there somewhere, I just can't make it out.

At my physics exam today, I was asked who discovered the black hole.

Apparently, Ron Jeremy was not the right answer.

Why are black holes so popular at parties?

Because they bring everyone together.

I stopped seeing black hole jokes all of a sudden.

I guess we've passed the event horizon

The supermassive black hole in the core of the Messier 87 galaxy measures 40 billion km across, three million times the size of the Earth, and has a mass 6.5 billion times that of the Sun.

Almost as big as your mom.

The first picture of a black hole was released today

but technology will need another century before it can capture an image of your mom.

Scientists have taken the first pictures of the interior of a black hole.

It's all pink.

It’s amazing that we got a picture of a supermassive black hole 52 million light years away from us...

Maybe, one day we can get a full picture of your mom.

We need more jokes about the black hole

Said no one ever

Two black holes are jogging in space.

One says "You should slim down to get more attractive."

"Are you dense?" replies the other.

There's a petition going around to name the black hole after Chris Cornell from Soundgarden

There gonna call it the cornhole

They finally released the first picture of the black hole the other day.

I found the story really sucks you in and helps you grasp the gravity of the situation.

I was arguing with a black hole.

Great conversationalist, but too dense to listen.

What are denser than black holes?

Flat earthers

Strip clubs are deplorable. They're a moral black hole where the worst of the male half come to ogle at objectified naked women and frankly I feel they should be banned and anyone who walks through the door called out as a pervert.


But since we're here...

What do Black Holes and the Catholic Church have in common?

They both have a lot of mass that you cannot escape!

How do you show your appreciation towards black holes?

Thanks for nothing!

Don't read discussions in /r/ask science about black holes.

It will pull you in.

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Niels Bohr: "So Let me get this straight. If I was having sex with my girlfriend and I thrust at the speed of light, would my penis gain infinite mass?"

Albert Einstein: "I suppose it would. One thing is for sure, you'd certainly create a black hole..."

The heaviest things in the universe

3 - Neutron stars

2 - Black holes

1 - The collective weight of the people who thought this was a yo momma joke

If you wanted to see a black hole...

I could have just shown you my student loan statement.

Why are black holes fascinating objects in the universe?

Once you go black, you never go back.

Did you hear the news about the collision between two black holes?

It's really making waves.

Meeting your ex IRL is like staring into a black hole

There should be something there, but there isn't. And it sucks.

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What did the black hole say to the Catholic priest?

"I'm sorry, father. I'm rather critical of mass."

Today I pulled a key off my keyboard [long]

Today I pulled one of the CTRL keys from my keyboard and was shocked to find myself looking down at the entire universe: stars planets, black holes, the whole thing was right there beneath my keyboard.

I was so shocked I called a friend in to show her. After five minutes of gazing into total...

What do the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?

They both circle the black hole looking for cling-ons

With all that's going on, I told my dad that finishing my degree in astrophysics may not be the kind of science the world needs right now.

He looked away from the TV long enough to say, "Black holes matter."

Sigh... "Yeah, Dad. They are."

The deep hole [PG]

Two guys, Jim and Dwight, were out for a hike. While on their jaunt they came across a pitch black hole the size of a minivan. Amazed Dwight walked carefully to the edge. He looked into the utter darkness and exclaimed "Woah! Hey Jim, how deep do you think this goes??"

Jim saunt...

An astronaut walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "what brings you in today?"

The astronaut says, "well, I didn't *planet.* It's just that my wife - don't get me wrong, she's my whole *universe,* - has left a great big *crater* in my heart. I was *over the moon* when she and I got married, but recently she's been saying s...

A cow with no voice is thrown into a black hole

An immoovable object meets an unstoppable force.


A grad student was reading through a cosmology working draft when he discovered one that referred to the majority of stars in the sky as Bowie Remnants. Confused, he emailed the professor and asked for an explanation.
Well, a Bowie Remnant is what you get when a bright star tries to collapse i...

Why was Stephen Hawkins arrested when he was visiting Uganda?

Because he was looking for black holes.

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What is Stephan Hawking's favorite porn genre?

Ebony. The dude loves black holes.

I went to a space museum today but was a bit disappointed...

It was completely empty! Well, except for the black hole on display, but it sucked.

Don't trust any diet advice that tells you to eat light...

For that's most certainly the way to become a black hole.

My boy asked me what the pictures from space were yesterday.

I told him they're black holes, son.

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Neil DeGrasse Tyson made a porno.

It’s called “Neil DeGrasse Tyson explores black holes”

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What does the universe's largest known star VY Canis Majoris & a Labia Majora have in common?

They both lead to black holes

Why is Neil Degrasse Tyson such a famous physicist?...

On the day he was born he escaped a black hole...... and then he spent his life studying them.

An astronaut who travelled to the edge of the universe noticed an anomalous reading...

...his shuttle readings came back to inform him there was a flat solid matter extending from his location to the universe's horizon, like a path.

He approached cautiously but a black hole suddenly formed behind the ship. The spacecraft went haywire, lights blinking, alarms blaring and he bare...

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