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Snake Bite Jokes

Snake bite

Did you hear about the Australian guy who had a snake come out of the toilet and bite his sack? The guy was OK but the snake died...it had a nut allergy.

Always carry a whiskey flask in case of a snake bite.

With that in mind, always carry a small snake. ~ W.C. Fields

Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous?

Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all

*Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified*

Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. L...

Snake bite

Two hunters go out into the woods and one of them gets bitten by a snake, collapses and stops breathing. The other hunter quickly calls emergency services and says "You have to help me, my friend just got bitten by a snake and died." The operator says "OK, calm down. First, make sure he is dead." Th...

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Two guys are out hunting, when a rattle snake bites one of them on the dick.

Two buddies are out hunting. After a long day, they sit down to have a drink and relax. They both sit down on some fallen logs. Right as they settle in, a rattlesnake comes up from under the log, and bites one of them right in the dick.

The man starts screaming and falls to the ground. His bu...

Did you know cat's are impervious to most rattle snake bites?

Said every dog ever.

Short lawyer jokes

Why wouldn't a snake bite a lawyer?

\- Professional code of ethics



When do you know a lawyer is lying?

\- When the lawyer's lips are moving



Why state A has more lawyers and state B has more toxic waste dump sites?

\- State B got to chose first

A priest, a doctor, and a politician are kidnapped by an evil psychopath.

The psychopath says ‘I'm going to get each of you to hold a snake for ten minutes, the most venomous snake in the world. If it doesn't bite you, I'll let you go. If you refuse, I'll shoot you.’

The priest says a short prayer, kisses his cross, and holds the snake. It bites him, and he falls ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Two friends were hiking in the woods

As they're hiking a snake bites one of them in the balls Panicking the other friend ran to get help from a park ranger. He asks the ranger what to do. The ranger says you have to tie off the limb really tight to prevent the venom from circulating and suck the venom out of the bite. The guy runs back...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the desert...

The Lone Ranger gets off his horse for a piss by a cactus. Suddenly, a rattle snake lunges out and bites him right on the dick. Tonto hears him scream and comes running over. He's lying there on his back, moaning in pain.

Tonto says, "I'll ride back to that native village we passed a while a...

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake.

My uncle Larry got bit by a snake. Not knowing if it was poisonous, he quickly grabbed the creature by the head, bit it in half and drove me, himself and the snake's body to the hospital.

As soon as we got there, the doctor informed us that for future reference proper term was *venomous* and ...

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Dave and John

\*Dave and John were walking in the forest when John was bitten by a snake at his penis.\*



John (in extreme pain): Hurry up Dave. Call the doctor!



\*Dave calls the doctor..\*


Dave: Hello doc, we have an emergency, my friend John was bitten by a snake, what ...

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Billy Bob and Joe Junior are out hunting.

A rattle snake bites Joe Junior on the dick.



So Billy Bob phones 911. He says "Help me please. My friend has been bitten by a rattle snake."

The operator says "Okay. What I need you to do is put your mouth on the wound and suck out the poison."

So Joe Junior says "What...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two friends are out hiking...

Bob and Larry are out hiking when Bob has to take a leak. He unzips and starts peeing against a tree when a snake bites him right on the penis. He's affected immediately and starts convulsing in pain.

Larry calls 911 and says, "Help me! My best friend in the whole world just got bitten by a s...

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Two guys are camping

Two guys are camping. Guy 1 has to shit so he goes out in the woods to do his stuff. While crouched over, a poisonous snake comes up & bites him on his dick. Guy 1 calls out & asks his buddy what to do.
Guy 2 pulls out his smart phone & Googles 'snake bite'.
Online he reads that i...

This joke has been in my family for quite a while. Translated to the best of my abilities.

A Fijian farmer loses an arm from a venomous snake bite. His entire livelihood crumbles as he can no longer provide for himself nor his hot wife who ends up leaving him. He decides to end the misery by jumping off a cliff. On his way, he spots a man with no arms jumping around with an overjoyed expr...

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Butch, Jimmy, and Joe go on a camping trip.

Butch and Jimmy are collecting firewood when out of nowhere, a venomous snake bites Jimmy on the tip of his penis.

Jimmy: "I'm bit! It got my penis - oh my god, what do I do?!"

Butch: "Joe will know what to do! I'll go ask him!"

Butch rushes back to their campsite and finds Joe...

I have never seen my all time favorite joke here, so I will submit relatively original content, enjoy!

There was a newspaper in a very small Midwestern farming town, comes out once a week with local news like the new library books, or the preachers sermon, and school fundraisers. One day the editor calls the reporter in and says, "I don't know what to do about the next issue. There isn't a damn thin...

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A man is in the hospital recovering from a heart attack.

The wife excuses herself to go and talk to the Dr.. She sits down with the Dr. and asks what life after the heart attack is going to be like.

The doctor tells her "Ma'am, your husband's heart is weak, it needs to be cared for."

The wife responds "Sir, I already work full time so he ca...

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Slave and Master

A slave is working out on the cotton plantation one hot day and the master approached him.

"Say, Toby, I'm gonna use the outhouse, so I expect to see at least another barrel filled with cotton befo' I get back,"the master said.

"Yessuh, massa," Toby replied.

So the master went...

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