I was fishing on vacation in Florida, when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to swallow a frog and knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket...

Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A litt...

"I've found that I'd scream the exact same way If a piece of seaweed touches my leg or if a shark were trying to bite me."

- Kevin James

the ol' razzle dazzle

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I have seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won't happen. I am so sure it won't I will give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You...

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I hate Halloween

Zombies are stupid, vampires suck, werewolves can bite me, and succubi? Fuck em.

You would think that I would eventually learn

That not everyone is grateful when you try to help them. I was driving the other day and saw an old guy trying to cross the road. I pulled over, turned on my blinkers and went to assist the fellow. This guy turned around, and came after me, and tried to bite me. Snapping turtles are a hell of a lot ...

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Who knew that by setting a mosquito free, that one day..

..it would come back and bite me in the ass.

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Friend of mine pointed to a dog lickiin on his own balls and says to me: “Dont you wish you could do that!”

I says yeah! But I’d be afraid he might bite me.

I invented a boomerang with teeth...

That ones gonna come back to bite me in the ass

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I picked a fight with some guy.

He punched me in the face and I swallowed a tooth.

That sure came back to bite me in the ass.

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I found a snake in my house and flushed him down the toilet...

I hope that doesn't come back to bite me in the ass.

A man walking on the beach stumbled on a bottle.

He picked it up and pulled the cork and a genie jumped out.

Genie: Thank you for freeing me. I will grant you one wish.

Man: I've heard this one, whatever I wish for will come back and bite me.

Genie: Nah man I won't do that. In fact if that happens I'll give you unlimited wishe...

Man and his wife are taking a walk...

... when they come to a house with a big vicious dog in the yard. Man calls out to kid on the porch “Hey, will your dog bite me if I walk by?”, “No sir!” Man and wife walk on by and dog runs toward the couple and bites each of them. “What the hell!? You said your dog wouldn’t bite us!!” “That’s not ...

Two guys walking down the street saw a dog licking his balls.

One guy asks the other "Don't you wish you could do that?" The other guy says "Yea, but I'm afraid he'd bite me."

What is Ernie's favorite kind of ice cream

Orange Sherbert!

Yes I know it's spelled sherbet - bite me!

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On my recent trip to Australia, I made the mistake of buying a boomerang with teeth.

Sure enough, it came back to bite me in the ass.

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My life is a lot like a piranha attached to a boomerang.

No matter what I do, it always comes back to bite me in the ass.

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I got a good laugh out of my dentist this morning...

I cracked a tooth and I told my dentist:

"I didn't find the piece that came off, so I'm assuming I swallowed it. I'm really hoping it doesn't come back to bite me in the ass."

He started explaining how I shouldn't worry about it, paused, and then started laughing.

Two Irishmen are walking along the beach and they see a dog turned around licking himself.

One of the Irishmen says, “Don’t ya wish you could do that?”

And the other says, “Sure, but I’d be afraid he’d bite me!”

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[NSFW][Long] Little Johnny grew up afraid of women

His mother told him from an early age that women were dangerous, and that if he went anywhere near their private parts he would get hurt, because there were teeth in there, and they would bite him.

So years and years of Johnny avoiding women went by until one day, he was with a nice girl that...

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I dated a girl once who turned out to be a cannibal.

That really came back to bite me in the ass.

What's the thing u don't tell a vampire?

Bite me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dental [Long][NSFW]

A father stops to talk to his son before leaving the house forever. He says, "Son, I'm going to give you some advice that will serve you well throughout your life. Stay away from women. They are nothing but trouble.... Also, they have a hole between there legs with teeth. If you put anything in that...

Two rednecks stumble out of a bar and see a dog, licking his nuts

The first redneck says,
"DAYUM! Doncha wish ya could do that, Earl?!"
The second redneck says,
"Yeah, but that dog would bite me sure as hell!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fortune 500 company opened a brand new sales territory deep in the heart of China. This area was so remote that few foreigners had ever been there before.

The company decided to send it's
best salespeople there one at a time, for one
month each. The idea being to aquaint them with
the people and customs of the region.
Well, the first salesman spent a month there and
then it was another salesman's turn. The two of
them meet at a rem...

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