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Bill Gates Jokes

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Bill Gates in an airport lounge

I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. Whilst in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac.

I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approac...

Breaking News: Bill Gates has agreed to pay for Trump's wall

On the condition he gets to install windows.

It's obvious Bill Gates didn't create COVID

none of his other products are able to release new versions this frequently

Bill Gates met Arnold Schwarzenegger at a party.

He asked him if he had upgraded to Windows 10 yet. Big Arnie replied:

Ah still love Vista baby...

What did Bill Gates wife say to him on their wedding night?

So that's why you call it "Microsoft".

Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven,

where Saint Peter gives him a nice, modern six-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife.

One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine tailored suit.

"That's really nice," says Bill. "Where ...

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Bill Gates woke up in the morning and found that his Mexican housekeepers were gone.

He asked his wife Melinda where they went, who replied that Steve Jobs showed up earlier and offered them the same work at his mansion for double their previous wage.
Bill became furious. "Fucking Jobs, coming here and taking our immigrants!"

Hi. My name is Bill Gates and today, I will be teaching you how to count to ten:

1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10

Bill Gates: "Why don't you tell me why Bing failed"

Bill gates: So why don't you tell me why Bing failed.

Board: We feel there was a public nescience towards Bing.

Bill gates: Nescience? Let me Goog- Oh I see what you mean.

Bill Gates and Elon Musk should team-up and make a medicine to treat erectile dysfunction,

and name it ElonGates.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Elon Musk and Bill Gates combined their enormous wealth and power to develop the most effective penis enlargement pill ever created.

They're calling it Elongates.

Elon Musk and Bill Gates had two children

One was Elon Gates, who became the tallest man alive. The other was Bill Musk and he smelled like money.

When Bill Gates donates 30% of his net worth

He is praised as a generous hero, But when I do it people tell me they don't accept donations under a dollar.

Did you hear about the Bill Gates Divorce?

Melinda kept the house and Bill kept all the windows.

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Bill Gates wakes up one morning...

...goes downstairs and is shocked to see his two polish housekeepers are nowhere to be seen.

He yells for his wife "Honey, where the hell have the maids gone?"

"Oh, Steve Jobs knocked on the door this morning" Replied his wife. "He offered both the house keepers twice what you're payin...

Bill Gates Goes Fishing

Bill Gates goes fishing. Suddenly his fishing pole starts to jiggle, he quickly pulls it and see a gold fish hanging on it's edge.

"WAIT! PLEASE DON'T EAT ME!" the fish screams.

Bill answers: "oh wow, a talking fish! That's amazing! There you go little guy, I was going to release you a...

I told my son, “You will marry the girl I choose.”

He said, “NO!”

I told him, “She is Bill Gates’ daughter.”

He said, “OK.”

I called Bill Gates and said, “I want your daughter to marry my son.”

Bill Gates said, “NO.”

I told Bill Gates, My son is the CEO of World Bank.”

Bill Gates said, “OK.”

I called ...

Bill Gates walks into a bar and everyone inside becomes a millionaire

...on average.

Bill Gates is hanging out with GM's Chairman...

Gates is in a taunting mood. "If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds a...

My girlfriend's nickname for me is Bill Gates...

She said it's because I've got a micro soft too.

Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you.
This will be your home for all eternity.
You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life.
Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked u...

Donald Trump, Bill Gates, the Pope, and a kid on an airplane...

Donald Trump, Bill Gates, the Pope and a schoolboy are on a crashing airplane. There are only 3 parachutes.
"Well," says Bill Gates, "I am the most important businessman in the world and I need to continue running my company." He takes the first parachute and jumps out.
"Well," says Trump, "I...

Young Bill Gates asks wife for advice

Bill: Hey honey, what do you think I should call my new company? I need something that really reflects who I am.

His wife: I don't know sweety, what about Microsoft?

I have absolute proof the Covid vaccine isn’t Bill Gates’ way to control us.

My husband had the vaccination yesterday and he still hates Microsoft Teams.

Bill Gates and Donald Trump are alone in the Oval Office

Trump remarks,"Bill, together you and I are worth $80 billion."

Bill Gates says,"But I'm worth 90 billion."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Gates was invited to Jeffrey Epstein’s private island.

After arrival Bill Gates was shown to a room with a rather young looking masseuse. The girl instructed Bill Gates to disrobe for a massage and one thing lead to another and they ended up having sex. Afterwards the masseuse said “I always wondered why you called your company Microsoft but now I know”

World peace or all of Bill Gates' money?

If you had a choice between world peace or Bill Gates' money, what color would your Lamborghini be?

So Bill Gates sends Melinda a Hotmail after the divorce.

"Let’s get married again” he writes.

“What do you mean?” she replies on MSN. “We just got divorced! You said the marriage wasn’t working! Why would you want to start everything up again?”

“That’s always worked before” he says.

Why did Bill Gates' and Jeff Bezos’ marriages both end in divorce?

Because they realized they were in a union.

What do Bill Gates and Elon Musk have in common?

They broke windows live on stage.

What shirt size does Bill Gates wear?

Excel.

One Bill Gates' divorce

According to Melinda Gates, Bill just didn't Excel at his marriage. Apparently he had no Power Points while arguing, but he always had to have the last Word. And now that he no longer had Access to her heart, the Outlook was not looking good for them. They couldn’t work together as Teams. On the Sur...

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Breaking News: Elon Musk & Bill Gates have joined hands

to make a Penis Enhancer.....They will call it
ELONGATES

Bill Gates dies and reaches the Pearly Gates....[Long]

Meets Saint Peter at the gates and he tells Bill, “because you brought computers, technology and helped humanity, we have decided to let you tour hell and after the tour, you get to decide if you want to stay there, or come into heaven”

“I get to choose?” Asked Bill

“Yes... But just re...

Imagine if Elon Musk got married to Bill Gates and took his name...

Yeah no, you're right... 'Elon Gates' is a stretch.

Did you hear that Bill Gates lost a dance contest to Al Gore?

He didn’t have the Al Gore Rhythm

Bill Gates recently split up with Melinda Gates, who will take half of his belongings, including Microsoft office.

But she will only get Microsoft Excel and Powerpoint, because he always keeps his Word.



shoutout u/Duttywood

What did Microsoft employees say to Bill Gates after his motivational speech?

Word.

If Bill Gates eats American food and Ghandi eats Indian food, what food does Usain Bolt eat?

fast food

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Bill gates dies

He dies and meets God. God tells him, “Now, Bill, you lived an extraordinary life. The products you made helped many people. However, there were also some debacles like Windows 95. I’m unsure whether to send you to Heaven and Hell. This is why, I’ve decided that for the first time in eternity, I am ...

What did Bill Gates wife tell to him after their honeymoon

Now I know what microsoft stands for

Bill Gates suddenly dies...

...and finds himself face to face with God.
God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused
on this one. It's a tough decision; I'm not sure whether to send
you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously
by putting a computer in almost every home in A...

Elon Musk and Bill Gates have decided to partner in a joint venture to invent a medication to overcome erectile dysfunction.

They have decided to name the new drug 'Elongates'.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Gates is at the beach when he discovers a bottle in the surf.

He pulls out the cork and a Genie appears.

The Genie says, “I have been trapped for 100 years. As a reward you can make a wish.”

Gates thinks about it as he carries the bottle back to his beach cottage. Once there, he goes to a bookshelf, pulls out an atlas and turns to a map of the Mi...

BILL GATES IN HELL

Bill Gates goes to purgatory.


St. Peter says, "Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".


First, St. Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Pet...

I was going to make a joke about Bill Gates divorce but decided not to...

It’s not PC

Why does Bill Gates make for a terrible medical expert?

Because he can't get rid of viruses in Microsoft either.

My girlfriend is getting the covid vaccine and was worried about bill gates tracking us.

I said don't worry he's already been watching us for years through the windows.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Gates: "So today I farted in an apple store and everybody was pissed...

hey, its not my fault they dont have windows!"

Bill Gates dies and goes to to the Pearly Gates.

Once there, St Peter looks throught his huge book, and finds Bills name.

"Im sorry" St Peter says. "It says here that you havent been particularly good, but, not bad either."

"It seems actually that all your good and bad deeds weight eachother out, so, there is nothing telling me if yo...

Bill Gates’s father is the man behind Windows

I mean Gates

We should all thank Bill Gates during Covid-19...

Imagine how boring quarantine would be if he hadn't invented Windows.

I thought Bill Gates would cave and release the new Microsoft Office early.

But he kept his Word.

Bill Gates now richer than Jeff Bezos

Now he can look down on Amazon from his Windows

Mr. Bill Gates, why was 6 afraid of 7?

"Because 7 8 10"

Bill Gates is pulled over by a police officer one night after his car is seen swerving on the highway

The police officer asks, "Have you had anything to drink tonight, sir?"

Bill says, "Absolutely not, officer."

The cop says, "Can you please count backwards from 10 for me?"

• ⁠


Bill replies, "10, 8, 7, Vista, XP, ME, 2000, NT, 98, 95, 3, 2, 1."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Bill Gates hires a prostitute...

After the Hugh Grant incident that made the papers, Bill Gates called up Hugh Grant.

Bill asked him "was it really worth $50 to almost ruin your career?" Hugh replied "Bill, actually it was worth a million".

So Bill called up Hughes' favorite prostitute, but since she became so famou...

What does Bill Gates call the crumbs at the bottom of your bag of Doritos?

Microchips

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girl friend calls me bill gates when we have sex

Because I'm micro-soft.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a secretary say to Bill Gates when she sees his dick ?

A secretary walked into Bill Gates office . She chats with him and manages to seduce him . She convinces him to have sex and he agrees . When he whips his dick out what does she say ?


Micro-soft

Steve jobs and Bill Gates colonize Mars. What do they call the planet?

Planet of the Apps.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Gates is having lunch in a restaurant when a young man comes over.

He says "Excuse me Mr Gates, I know this is presumptious but if I can have thirty seconds of your time: I read your amazing book about your early career and, basically, I'm now at the point you were at when you were just starting out. I'm entertaining a couple of business sponsors to lunch and it wo...

Bill Gates: "You owe me one!"

Jeff Bezos: "What do you want?"

BG: "I don't care how you pull it off but I want my title back. I need to be the world's richest man again."

JB: "I got an idea. Be right back."

Bill Gates has often claimed how hard it is to give away 100 billion dollars.

Then he discovered divorce.

I make more money than Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerburg combined

And all I do is work at the U.S. Mint

Bill Gates is having a conversation with Paul Allen.

Bill: "How come Bing failed?"

Paul: "Well, let me Goo..."

Bill: "Never mind."

Why Bill Gates should lead the team to find the Corona Virus cure?

He has been dealing with viruses since Windows 3.0

Why did Steve Jobs hate arguments with Bill Gates?

He could never WinThose

If Bill Gates makes a COVID-19 vaccine what will it be called?

COVID-19 Defender XP.

Bill Gates wanted to make a new friend.

He logged into his computer and found some strangers who seemed nice, so he sent them some funny pictures and told him a little about himself. For days, his posts went nowhere. He was never getting any responses, so he decided to send some videos instead, thinking people just didn't believe it was h...

Bill Gates dies and goes to see St Peter

St Peter reviews his life and says to him: "Welcome Mr Gates; you've lived an extraordinary life so we would actually like to offer you the choice between Heaven and Hell"

Bill replies: "What are my options?"

St Peter takes him to two computers. The first is Hell. It's a deserted sandy...

Bill Gates created the Coronavirus so people would start using Microsoft Teams

dont know if this belongs here but I posted this in r/conspiracy and r/showerthoughts but everyone thought it was serious

Bill Gates said the pandemic won’t be over until the end of 2021

And he has a lot of Intel

God called on the Pope, Donald Trump, and Bill Gates, and told them,

"I called you together to let you know that I am tired of all the bickering, hate and violence in the world. You have 30 days to get things in order, then I am going to end the world. "

The Pope woke his staff and said, "I have some good news and some good news. The good news is that we were ...

Bill gates teaching a kindergarten class

"Let's count" says Gates

The children start counting as he told them to.

1,2,3.x,95,98,2000,ME,XP,7,8,8.1,9,10, 10 anniversary edition

If you could have Bill Gates' wealth or cure all the suffering in Africa...

What colour Ferrari would you get?

Bill Gates in a car

A software engineer, a hardware designer and Bill Gates are driving in car on the freeway. Suddenly the car breaks down, the engines stops.
The software engineer says: “I think that car ran out if gas. Let’s walk to the nearest gas station and get some gas, put it in the car and then it will st...

Bill Gates is walking on his private beach of his villa...

...and finds an old bottle in the sand. He opens it and a genie appears. The genie euphorically says: "Thanks for the rescue, Master, you have one wish."
Gates does not think long and says: "Here is a map with all the crisis areas of the earth. There should be peace everywhere." The ghost takes t...

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