UPJOKE
sibilantspeech disorderarticulateenunciatepronouncesayenounceemacsorthographycobolfortranassemblersyllabaryv7syntax

Lisp Jokes

A dwarf with a lisp goes to visit a stud farm.

"I'd like to buy a horth"

He says to the owner of the farm.

"What sort of horse?"

Said the owner.

"A female horth"

The dwarf replies.

So the owner shows him a lovely mare.

"Nithe horth."

Says the dwarf,

"Can I thee her eyeth?"

So ...

Imagine the Titanic with a Lisp

It's unthinkable

Why do you not make fun of a fat girl with a lisp?

Because she is thick and tired of it.

Almost made a joke about an amphetamine addict with a lisp...

But that’s methed up.

The government denied tax exemption for my church that believes Jesus spoke with a lisp

It was a real slap in the faith

The owner of the local strip club has a lisp.

I tried to go last night, but they were clothed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a horny mathematician with a lisp do on his spare time?

Math debate.

A gospel choir leader with a lisp embezzled tens of thousands of dollars from his church.

But eventually he got caught and had to faith the music.

Did you hear about the junky with a lisp?

Said he was methed up.

What's the name of a dating site for people with lisp?

FAITHBOOK

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

[𝑭𝑼𝑵𝑵𝒀 𝑪𝑶𝑵𝑻𝑬𝑵𝑻 𝑫𝑬𝑳𝑬𝑻𝑬𝑫 𝑫𝑼𝑬 𝑻𝑶 𝑹𝑬𝑫𝑫𝑰𝑻 𝑩𝑬𝑰𝑵𝑮 𝑨𝑵 𝑨𝑺𝑺]

A cute little girl walks into a pet store and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees...

Why did the guy with a lisp hit on the girl with the flu?

Because she was thicc

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a lisp went on a blind date to a heavy metal concert

Paul had been ridiculed all his life for having a lisp. As a kid, he was bullied in school. As an adult, he caught coworkers making fun of him when they thought he couldn't hear. He would even notice cashiers trying to stifle their laughter. No woman would ever go out with him, and he felt resigned ...

What do you call a nuclear scientist with a bad lisp?

An unclear scientist.

I was recently dumped by a girl that has a lisp.

I've just received a text from her saying: "Was thinking of you when I bought some highly alcoholic green liquid."

Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.

When a man with a lisp says 'bithneth'...

You know he means business.

Guy with a lisp turns up to a dinner party carrying a selection of cheeses and a couple of ducks under his arm

The host says, "thanks for bringing the cheese, but why the ducks?"

The guest replies, "can't have cheese without cwackers"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the sadistic lifeguard with a lisp say to the genius who couldn't swim?

I like the way you think!

Today, my math teacher from Boston made fun of me for having a lisp.

What a mathole!!!

What do you call a cat with a lisp?

A cat.

There's no s in cat, numpty.

What do you call someone with a lisp who murders angels and ghosts?

Ethereal killer

What does a fireplace and a dead guy with a lisp have in common?

Both are in a hearth.

My friend with a lisp has a strong opinion on the Titanic II

As he put it, they're doing the unsinkable!

I asked my friend with a lisp if he saddle stitches leather under his kitchen faucet.

He said “I sink sew”

What do Einstein and an iceberg with a lisp have in common?

They both tried to think the unthinkable.

What do you call a sad junkie with a lisp?

Metherable

A man with a lisp is arrested on drug charges

When his family asks what happened he responds:

"I gueth I really methed up"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kid goes to the local pet store...

A 10 tear old boy with a bad lisp goes to the local pet store and asks "Ethuse mne, thir, do you haff any birth sneed?"

The shop keeper says "Go away kid, I'm busy."

The boy leaves and comes back a couple of days later and says "Ethuse mne, thir, do you haff any birth sneed?"

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) A horse jocky with a lisp, is going to buy a horse

After being shown around and finding the horse he wants. He asks the man,

"Let me thee its mane."

The man picks him up, and he pets the mane. He sets him back down and he says,

"Ok, ok. Let me thee it's tail."

The man picks him up, and the jocky pets his tail. The man se...

I'm starting a social media website for religious people with a lisp

Faithbook

What does a teenager with a lisp and a nun have in common?

Faith book

What kinda snake has a lisp?

A Mike Python

I knew a guy with a lisp I didn’t take seriously. But when he said binith

I knew he meant business

I went to the doctors the other day because I had developed a lisp and get agitated when people don’t share

Turns out it’s just a shellfish allergy

A salesman with a bad lisp...

came to my front door today. He was giving away a coupon for either free cologne or a free abortion. When I confronted him about it, he simply explained "Eidah way, you're gonna clear tha womb."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My buddy with a lisp just blew my mind and gut with this joke; we were at the gym and he walks up and asks nonchalantly: “Is your butt thore?”

“Because I’ll be your Ass-guardian.”

What did the Star Wars fan with a lisp say?

May the Fourth be with you.

Does anyone know of any actors that can help cure my lisp?

I’m pretty sure Anne Hathaway, but I’m going to ask Colin Firth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctor about a lisp.

He says, “Doc I feel fine, it’th juth that I can’t thpeak clearly. I have thith lithp that I can’t theem to get rid of.”

The doctor replies, “Ok, let me have a look then.” and proceeds to examine the man. “Ahh, I see the problem here. Your penis is so long that it’s weight is pulling on your ...

What does an ill person with a lisp and someone with generous thighs have in common?

They’re thick

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Daffynitions

Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

Ne...

What's a moth pit?

It's where you find all the heavy metal rockers with lisps.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a nazi with a speech impediment?

Schindler’s lisp

Old joke from my missionary grandpa.

Two guys go to a preacher to be healed. One guy, Danny, has a lisp. The other, Mr. Smith, is paralyzed from the waist down and cannot walk. The preacher tells them, however, not to worry.

"The Lord is going to heal you. Are you ready?"

"Yes," says Mr. Smith,. "Yeth", says Danny....

A heartbroken guy walks into his bar and orders a strong drink.

"You theem pretty upthet", the barman says, with a strong lisp, "I'm a good lithener if you wanna talk about it?"

The man swigs his beverage and tells the barman about how his wife has fallen out of love with him. He explains that he's decided to give her some room in hope that the time apar...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rabbit walks into a pharmacy

“Carrots, have you got carrots?”, he asks.

The pharmacist replies: “No, this is a pharmacy. If you want carrots you should check out the grocery store.”

On the next day the rabbit comes back and asks: “Carrots, have you got carrots?”

The pharmacist replies: “No, I told you yeste...

Have you heard the saying "Raining Cats & Frogs"?

Don't make fun of my lisp.

Who decided to make Dyslexia such a hard word to spell?

Same person who thought it'd be fun to add an "s" to lisp

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Read the punchline out loud. I first heard this in high school, not sure how well it translates to print.

Poor Tom.

When he was seven, he lost his left eye in a tragic accident. Being from a poor family, the only replacement they could afford was a wooden eye.

When he was seventeen, three weeks before the prom, he was still dateless. He decided to work up the courage to ask someone, but ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Loki decided to surprise Thor at his birthday party with a lady...

He introduces them, and Thor realizes the girl has a severe lisp. He tells Loki he just can't do it, and Loki assures him that despite her lisp, it will be the best night of his life.

Without another word between the two, the girl and Thor head off to his bedroom, and have an amazing night o...

I tried to start a religious social media page called Faithbook...

...but it was deemed offensive by the American Lisp Association.

What movie was based on the life of Othkar Thindler?

Schindler's Lisp

TIFU by getting my girlfriend a fake leather couch.

I should have known she wanted me to "pleasure" her.

Damn her and her lisp

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

\*Insert lisp\*
Because 7 was a math murderer

If a deaf person is missing a finger...

...do they speak with a lisp?

What did the person with a speech impediment say to the person who is deaf.

Read my lisp

Do you know what the hardest job in the world is?

Being a straight guy with lisp trying to sell peanuts.

What super hero does Mike Tyson most feel like after a long fight?

Thor

At a programming job interview, I was surprised to see the interviewing manager was a snake...

Nevertheless, I decided to roll with it, presenting myself as any other interviewee would. However, at the end, I couldn't help but ask:

"So, how did a snake end up working here?"

The snake smirked and replied "Ith really quith thimple. I goth my thart in the IT department and worked m...

Everybody is all about "May the fourth be with you" because of Star Wars.

Meanwhile people with a lisp are complaining, "you bathtardth, we've been thayin it the thame way for yearth and nobody hath ever done thit for uth!!!!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ever have sex with a girl only to realize they're completely insane?

For example, last week I hooked up with this cute red-head . She was smart, sexy, bit of a lisp. Everything seemed normal, but the second we got finished she started going on about how she was the Norse god of thunder.

Endowed girl goes to the doctor

Endowed girl goes to the doctor.

Doctor says, 'I'm Doctor Wessler, what's your name.'

She says with a lisp, 'My name's Thuzy Thmith."

The doctor says, "Let's start by checking your heart." He places his stethoscope on her chest. "Ok big breaths.

"I know, and I'm only th...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.