President Trump begrudgingly updates his conditions by simply Tweeting:

Coughfefe

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A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom. The wife can't orgasm because it's too damn hot.

They See A Sex Therapist, And He Recommends That They Have A Constant Supply Of Cool Air In The Bedroom, So The Man Asks His Best Friend To Waft A Towel While He And His Wife Make Love.

Begrudgingly, The Friend Submits And Says Yes.


After 20 Minutes Of Lovemaking, The Woman Is No C...

On a tiny island between Italy and Greece,

Maria and Nico were young, in love, and engaged to be married. On the night before they were to be wed, Maria’s mother sat her down to have “The Talk”. Knowing Nico’s Greek heritage, she counseled her daughter:

“Maria, mia bella figlia, if Nico ever asks you to turn over, you must say NO! Nic...

So a doctor starts up a practice

### So a doctor starts up a practice and decides to challenge himself, so he puts out a sign: "I'll cure any sickness for only $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $500!"

A lawyer sees the sign out front and decides this would be some easy fast cash so he goes in to see the doctor.


"Do...

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A gambler dies and goes to Heaven...

A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on t...

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Little johnny wakes up one night hearing noises from his parents bedroom

He opens the door to his parents room and sees mom, handcuffed to the bed's headboard, dad ramming her from behind. Johnny screams. Dad turns to looks at him, laughs and gives mom a slap on the bum for good measure. Johnny runs away, screaming. Once dad has finished mom off, he uncuffs her. She imme...

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(Slightly NSFW) Man says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."

Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do toget...

The Horse Challenge (LONG)

Every year, during fair season, a local farmer takes his horse and sets up a booth at various fairs. The rules are simple and the reward is great; make his horse nod yes and then shake his head no- doing this earns a $500 prize.

As it so happens fair season is in full swing, and the farmer...

Priest and the Camera

Twice a week the local parish priest liked to go up on the roof of the rectory and crank one out. He had decided that this was probably the most discreet and secure place he could be and not be discovered. One day a tourist on a nearby tower was taking pictures of the city landscape and noticed the ...

My father may have been abusive and a drunk, but there's one good piece of advice he gave me that I wont forget.

When I was younger I asked him how to make a good impression at an interview. I was gonna ask my mum but she wasn't feeling well after she had another "accident" as he put it. He begrudgingly told me to "dress for the job you want, then once you have that job, don't start slacking. It's just as impo...

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A man walks into a bar...

...he approaches the barman and asks for a whiskey and coke.

"Take this apple."

"I don't want an apple. I want a JD and coke."

"Trust me, try the apple."

The man takes a bite, and exclaims "Christ! This tastes like Jack Daniels!"

"Yup. Turn it around."

"Wow!...

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A guy gets on a bus... [long]

A guy gets on a bus—

The only available seat is next to a nun.
I HATE nuns, he thinks. It’s the only available seat, so he begrudgingly sits down next to her.
After a few minutes, she runs her head ever so slightly and he can see her face.
She’s the most beautiful woman he’s ever ...

A close shave

A man dressed impeccably, in the finest Italian suit, a silk tie and matching leather shoes walked into a shabby barbershop and enquired apprehensively.
"I have a very important meet in an hour and I need the closest shave possible, I do not want a hint of growth anywhere. Do you think you can d...

A boy stays home from school one day and catches his mother having a steamy affair...

He is playing in his parents bedroom when he hears his mother lead her lover up the stairs. The boy hides away in the closet. Before things get heated, however, his father comes home early. “Quick, into the closet!,” she yells, and the lover hides inside.

“It’s dark in here, isn’t it?,” asks ...

There was a 6 year old boy named Little Johnny

Johnny loved baseball and always had his ball and glove with him, but today he is hiding in his parents closet. From his vantage point, he could see his mother rolling around on her bed with the strange man who came over when his dad went to work.

Suddenly, he heard the front door open and hi...

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My dad's favorite joke that he created

Warning: this joke is not good in any way

Three men go on a walkabout vacation in the outback of Australia. They have never been to the continent, and unknowingly tresspassed on aboriginal grounds.

Towards dusk, they are ambushed and kidnapped by aborigines. They are taken back to thie...

Three friends go snowboarding

Three friends go skiing at a ski resort and have a great time.
However, when night descends upon them, they seek shelter at the resort.
They stay up for a little bit telling jokes and talking, then decide to hit the sack.
But once they enter the room that they will be sharing, they realize ...

A man walks into a bar with his dog.

He walks over to his seat and says, "I can bet $100 to each of you that my dog can talk!"

Everybody agrees to the bet. The guy says, "Spot, speak!" The dog is silent.

"Spot, speak," the guy repeats. The noble dog still doesn't react. Fuming, the guy begrudgingly pays each of the bettor...

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So a Russian man shows up for a job interview.

He sits in a chair across from the interviewer on the top floor of a large corporate building. The interviewer, plainly unimpressed by the man sitting before him, decides to ask some loaded interview questions in order to quickly dispose of the Russian.

"Welcome," says the interviewer. "For y...

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A man walks into a bar, orders a beer and chips, and receives an apple

"What is this?!" He says

"Take a bite" the bartender replies

He begrudgingly obliges and bites the apple

"Wow!" He exclaims "This takes just like a cold beer!"

The bartender nods and says "Turn it around"

The man does, and when he takes a bite he exclaims "This tas...

Bills to pay

Frank and Gary are getting off work on Friday evening, and Gary says, "Hey Frank, I'm going drinking with a buddy. You should join us!'

Frank hesitates a moment, and says, "don't think I should. I've got bills to pay."

Next Friday rolls around and Gary says to Frank, "Hey Frank, you sh...

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A man comes home from work in a bad mood

As soon as he settles down on his couch he hears a knock on the door. He begrudgingly gets up to answer the door but no one is there.
He slams it shut again and stomps back to the couch and right as he’s comfortable, he hears another knock. Furious, he opens the door only to see no one there onc...

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An artist is commissioned to paint a mural in the newly built city hall.

The city council has decided the mural must be an important scene from American history. The artist accepts the deal with one condition.

No one can see the piece before it is completed.

Begrudgingly, the town council accepts, a contract is signed, and the artist begins work behind a m...

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Billy really wanted to ask Suzy to the prom but he was so nervous he waited until the day before to ask her...

He walks up to Suzy in the hall and says "Suzy, I know it's the day before, but... Would you go to the prom with me?"
Suzy is surprised, and a little taken back, "I didn't think you were going to ask me. Yes, I would love to go with you!"
"Really?! Oh boy, ok!" And our hero Billy runs off to...

3 sailors crash their boat while sailing close to the shore of an unexplored island.

After moving inland, they are captured by members of an indigenous tribe. The tribesmen take the sailors to their chief. The chief, in very broken English, speaks to them,

"You trespass here, now I have test for you. Go deep into forest. Pick for me 3 fruits, and return to me. The test begins...

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A man goes on a date with a girl and has bad gas...

So the guy is on the date and has to fart really bad. He gets through the date and the car ride without farting. And he let's his date out of the car and he says, "I did it." The girl comes back and asks him to come in to meet her dad. He begrudgingly agrees, and meets her father. So the dad is talk...

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Voodoo dick

A married couple is very happy in their life, but the husband took a new very lucrative job that is going to keep him away from home for weeks and possibly months at a time. He loves his wife and understands that she will have certain... needs while he's away, so he tells her, "Take the credit card,...

White Elephant

An old farmer is tending his crop one day when he spies a white elephant trampling the edge of his field. He knows that there are four different types of elephants in his area: red elephants, blue elephants, purple elephants, and white elephants.

To kill a blue elephant you use a blue elep...

I found a recipe for a fruit curry that I wanted to try out.

I made a list of all the ingredients that I needed and headed to the shop. I picked up some rice, some mango chutney, some curry powder and some raisins.

Upon returning I checked my list again to make sure that I had gotten everything that I needed. To my dismay, the recipe had called for sul...

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George arrived at work looking haggard and tired every day.

His buddy, Earl, asked him why, and he said, “I wake up like this! My wife and I start the day with the fight we were having the night before. It’s awful!”
Earl quietly nodded, and said, “I think I have just the thing for you.”
The next morning, Earl brought in a beautiful hand-carved wooden ...

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A Story About Joe

There was this man, let's call him Joe. Joe was a religious man, he was the CEO of a multi-million dollar company, and he had a very nice house. One day, as he was heading to work, he heard a voice boom down from the heavens.

"JOE," the voice proclaimed.

"God? Is that you?" Joe aske...

Knock Knock

A man is sitting at home watching TV when he hears a knock at the door. Begrudgingly, he hits pause on the remote and makes his way to the door. Once at the door, he hears a woman's voice from outside.
Woman: Knock knock!
Man: Who's there?
Woman: Cliffhanger.
Man: Cliffhanger who...

I Can See Clearly Now!

There once was a kid named David and he was dating this gal in his history class named Lorraine. The two dated for a couple months, but as time went on he slowly lost his feelings for Lorraine. David begrudgingly continued the relationship with Lorraine, but he started seeing this girl named Clearly...

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One of my Grandpa's favorites: The Nazi POW Camp

In the middle of WWII, some British soldiers were captured by the Germans and taken to a POW camp. They were to be put to work on either the day shift or the night shift, round the clock so the work would never cease.

"Ve vill count off by twos," said the camp warden, "but you British pig-do...

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A Redneck is on his honeymoon....

As they step into the bedroom, she disrobes.

He says, "First, woman, make me a drink".

She slips off her panties and says, "Only if you put these on".

He begrudgingly obliges and puts his feet through the holes of her lacy thong.

At his thighs, the thong won't stretch ...

A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm...

...he announces to everyone in the bar that his dog can talk and he will make a $1000 bet with anyone who doesn't believe him. The bartender saw this as a great opportunity so he took the man up on the wager.

The man looks at the dog and says, "What is the top of a house called?" The dog sa...

A lawyer well known for his stinginess dies and goes to heaven

He is greeted at the pearly gates by St. Peter.

St. Peter looks through the giant book of life, which detailed all the lawyer did, looks at the lawyer and says “Yup, sorry, don’t think you’ve lived your life doing enough good to get into heaven. The lift to the underworld is that end.”
...

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Three men shipwreck on an island known for cannibals.

As they wander the jungle they are captured by these cannibals and put in a cage. The biggest and ugliest cannibal approaches the cage and says
"Now we're fun loving cannibals and we like to play games. We'll give you a chance to escape for our amusement, with one item of your choice. If you...

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A man comes home and tells his wife "Honey, we're going hunting!"

She says "No, I hate hunting!"

He says "either we're going hunting, or I'm fucking you in the ass AND you're giving me a blowjob"

The wife replies "Alright listen, I'm not going hunting, and I'm not gonna let you fuck me in the ass, but I'll give you a blowjob" He begrudgingly agrees....

An elderly couple live next to a highway...

One night they wake up to hear a knock at the door. The husband, grumbling about the late hour, gets up, heads downstairs and opens the door to see a stranger.

The stranger says, "Terribly sorry to wake you but I was wondering if you could give me a push?"

The elderly man replies tha...

It was the night before Christmas

Three colleagues were stumbling their way home after having several drinks after work, at the local pub. Unfortunately on their way home, they were struck by a car and all died instantly.

Moments later, they all found themselves in front of the pearly gates of heaven, Saint Nicolas was waiti...

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The Penguin Collector

So, there's this guy. This guy collects penguins. He doesn't collect penguin statues or toys or anything, he collects real, living penguins. Penguins of all sorts, Emperor Penguins, King Penguins, Little Penguins, African Penguins, all the penguins.

Now, these penguins live all over his hous...

How much paint?

John is just about to sit down to dinner when a knock comes on the door. He answers begrudgingly to a young man.

"Hello." Says the man. "I've just moved in next door and was wondering how much paint you bought to paint your living room?"

"Oh, I got thirty litres." Says John.

The...

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The Great White Hunter

A wealthy American man has retired and is entering old age. Fearing that he hasn't lived his life to the fullest, he decides that the first thing he will do with his funds will be to fulfill a childhood dream of his: to go hunting in Africa and take down a gorilla.

He promptly arranges a flig...

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A Bear and A Rabbit (Inspired by Eddie Murphy)(Long and Dirty)

A Bear and A Rabbit are walking through the woods, when they come across a magic lamp in a clearing. Upon further investigation, and only 1 attempt to eat it, they release the genie inside who graciously grants them each 3 wishes.

Bear, who lives in the moment quickly says:

"I wish th...

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A joke to tell your friends.

Hey guys, I'm not sure if this is the correct place to post this, or the right format, but I've got an amazing joke for you all that will almost definitely draw everyone you are with in, as long as they do not know it is a joke.

Firstly, you need to turn the conversation towards hitchhiking,...

A hotel is holding a convention for chess aficionados...

During the daytime, the chess fans can play each other in the ballroom, watch panels that discuss optimal tactics and long-term strategies, or watch videos of famous chess matches. In the night, many of them gather in the hotel lobby to discuss the game and what they've seen today.

The hotel ...

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Medical Students

A group of first year medicals students are attending their first class. An eccentric looking lecturer walk in and says: "An important thing in medicine, is not to be fazed by what seems disgusting to the general public. Allow me to demonstrate" The lecturer brings a cadaver into the lecture theatre...

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The cheap prostitute

So a man looks around to find the cheapest prostitute he can that is willing to fuck him. Eventually he came across this hooker who was rather ugly, but she was willing to fuck for a mere $15.


Well he thought to himself "pussy is pussy", turns out the lights and goes to town.


...

Even pigs have standards

A Rabbi, a Hindu holy man, and a Philadelphia Eagles fan are in a car together. the car breaks down near a house with a barn. The owner says, "Well, I only have room for two of ya, so one's gonna have to sleep in the barn." The Hindu holy man volunteers. Five minutes later, he explains, "I cannot sl...

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A man has glaucoma of the ass

A man is just wrapped up in his blankets in bed without a care in the world when the phone by his bed starts ringing. Begrudgingly he answers it.
"Hello?"

"Yeah hi, hello! This is your boss and you're seriously late for work. When the hell are you gonna come in?"

"I'm sorry boss but...

Two men are walking down a dark alley

Suddenly, a mugger approaches them with a gun and demands them to give him all of their money.

The two guys look at each other, and begrudgingly take out their wallets. The first guy turns to the second and says "oh yeah, here's the $10 I owe you."

Needed a new paint job

My house needed a new paint job on the outside so I called up a painter and he came and a did a couple hours of work.

Knowing how expensive painters usually are I begrudgingly asked

"So how much is this gonna bankrupt me"

He replied

"Nothing it's on the house!"

A man and his wife

A man and his wife are shopping at the local grocery store. The man picks up a 12 pack of beer and carries it up to his wife.


His wife turns to him and says "how much does that 12 pack of beer cost?"

The man says " $15.99"


"$15.99!?" the woman exclaims
"that is way...

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Jewish woman marries wealthy Arab man

She explains to her mom that he is a wonderful man and she can live with her at his palace. She begrudgingly accepts the fact and moves into the palace.

Six months later, the daughter interrupts her mother's daily morning massage and spa treatment and tells her, "I'm not happy in the marriage...

On a plane ride to South Africa.

A flight going from Cairo to Johannesburg was about half-way through their trip. Out of the blue, the captain made a startling announcement,

"Folks, it seems as though we are having some engine troubles. Now please remain calm, and we'll have an update in 15 minutes."

Obviously everyon...

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