I saw a man kicking a gallon of milk down the isle while throwing a big bag of cheese around complaining about the cleanliness of the store and I thought to myself

How dairy.

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A dude gets stranded on a deserted isle all alone....

Six months later, a woman walks out of the ocean in a wet suit. She's gorgeous.

She strolls up and says, "Want a scotch on ice?"

The guy is dumbfounded and nods yes.

She unzips the wet suit a little and pulls out a flask, ice and a glass. She makes a Walker over ice.

She ...

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Did you know that on the Canary Islands there is not one Canary? And on the Virgin Isles same thing.

There is not one canary there either.

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A bible thumping granny gets on a cross town bus sitting across the isle from two Cajun’s talking quietly

So of course she starts to listen. The older of the two gentlemen was saying, “First, Emma came, den I cum, then us and us again, together! And then I cum again.”
The lady stands up and says “you should be ashamed of yourself for talking like that about anyone and things like that should not be...

My wife and I.

My soon to be wife and I are looking at wedding dresses for her.

I said to her I dont care what she wears down the isle. I said best case, you go down the isle wearing a track suit.

She says why... I want something that will look better than that.

I said it would be perfect be...

I've mastered a way to pick up dates at the supermarket

It's super simple, just head down over to the dried fruits isle

A man walks into a grocery store with a gunshot wound.

The grocer asks him if he needs a doctor.

The man says he just wants to know where the spice isle is.

Confused the grocer asks why and the man replies “Because thyme heals all wounds.”

What would you eat if you were stranded on a completely barren deserted isle?

The sand which is on the ground.

A female flight attendant walks down the isle and offers a man some headphones.

“Would you like some headphones?” She asks.

The man smiles a large grin.

“Why certainly!” He says, “And how did you know my name was Phones?”

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What British sporting event celebrates man boobs?

Isle of Man Titty

Dalai Lama walks in to a Garden Centre and calmly wanders* around.

After some time an employee notices him placing something in to a small container of soil. Confused as to what he's just seen he approaches The Dalai Lama and asks him "Can I help you with anything, what exactly are you looking for?". The Dalai Lama replies enthusiastically "Peace on earth!". "Ah, I...

Why are there so many French orphans in the fruit isle of the grocery store?

Because they are all looking for their père

Let me introduce the little known tale of Curtis Remond.

Curtis was born in the small town of New York, the only child of a rich and famous banking family. Curtis’ father was a banker. Curtis’ grandfather was a banker. The banking linage runs as far back in the family as time can remember, ever since Gerald Redmond had emigrated from Killarney back in the...

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A young American man moves to the Shetland Isles

Unbeknownst to him, the Shetland peoples are quite reserved, and no-one visits him for three months.

One stormy night, there's a loud knock at the door. He opens the door to the sight of a huge, fiery-haired man with a thick beard. With an accent equally as thick, the visitor says, "I've come...

Extra large condoms

A beautiful woman approaches a pharmacist and asks, “Do you have extra large condoms?” The pharmacist replies, “Yes, aisle 11.” The blonde goes to the isle. But about 30 minutes later she is still looking at the condoms. The pharmacist calls over to her, “Do you need some help?” The woman replies, “...

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A pilot is flying a jumbo jet, he comes on the intercom and says, this is your pilot, we’re flying at 30,000 feet, traveling at over 500 miles an hour and will be at our destination in about an hour, he hangs up the mic but doesn’t turn it off and says to the co-pilot,...

Ya’know, I think I’m going to smoke a cigarette and then see if I can get a little pussy off that new stewardess! Well she hears this and comes running from the back of the plane to tell him that his mic is still on and trips over an old lady’s purse and falls into the isle! The old lady then says t...

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It's discrimination!

I see kids bouncing balls and riding bikes down isles at Walmart, but does anyone stop them, heck no! They can play with anything they want to!

But for some reason *I've* been banned from the ladies underwear department.

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The Legend of Dirty Dan

My grandad used to make me laugh with this!



The lights went out, and the show began, down the isle strolled dirty dan. He pissed and shit all over the floor......then wiped his ass with a 2x4.

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An old one from good will hunting. (Slightly NSFW)

I love this movie. If you haven’t seen it, go watch it on Netflix.

So Will tells this joke during therapy:

A pilot is flying a commercial Airline plane. He says his whole “we’ll be cruising at 30K feet” thing, but when he finishes, he forgets to turn the mic off.
He turns to the co...

A husband and a wife are shopping

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in the cart. “What do you think you’re doing?” says the wife. “There on sale, 24 cans for $10” says the husband. “Put it back we can’t afford it” demands the wife. They continue shopping. A few isles later, the woman picks up a $20 face cream and ...

What's the opposite of a sausage fest?

The isle of Naarth

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Golf pro returns home

Back in the sixties an Irish golfer makes it big in the USA and becomes a millionaire. Wanting to celebrate his success he arranges for a trip back to his lovely green Isle and since he's also a bit of a braggard, he pays to have his very flashy Buick convertible sent back with him on a ship.
...

In the 70's my friend was a high class call girl

Her 'pimp' was movie star Michael Caine, he got her the highest profile jobs in the industry and she got to 'work' with a lot of famous people.

This particular time she was at the Isle of Wight music festival and had to go and 'service' some musicians, well she gets back stage and there they...

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My Brother The Cripple.

My oldest brother was born with little use of his legs resulting in him using crutches. For his whole life we went through vigorous treatments and therapy. When he was about 14 we moved to a new town. The local kids made fun him daily calling him names and just being overall assholes. He was so fe...

There was this homeless man named Arty

There was this homeless man named Arty, always down on his luck, would do anything for a dollar.



One day a rich man came up to Arty and said he needed his business partner killed and would pay Arty a dollar for the trouble. He informed Arty that this business partner always shopped at...

The Murder at Walmart

There was a married man who was coming to poor terms with his wife and he decided a divorce was too troublesome so he was going to have to kill her. He also decided to get a large life insurance plan that would give him $500,000 after she was killed. However he didn’t want to do it himself, so he as...

I went to the store with my wife!

While passing the beer cooler I picked up a case and put it in the cart.

She asked what was I doing and I said "10 dollars is cheap for a case of beer."

She replied, "We can't afford it, put it back."

So I put it back, and a few more Isles down, she picked up a 20 dollar jar of...

The Job Interview

\- Name?

\- Angus MacTavish.

\- Age?

\- 43.

\- Place of birth?

\- Isle Of Rum.

\- Slow down, we'll get to your hobbies later.

Why did the Navy captain have a hard time keeping up his insults of the island people?

He had a wrecked isle diss function.

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Do you have any broccoli?

A lady walks into a grocery store and goes to the produce isle. She frantically looks around for broccoli, but to no avail. She finds a stock employee, and goes to him and asks, "Do you have any broccoli? " the employee replies "sorry ma'am, I don't believe we do right now."

she accepts this...

What's Arnold Schwarzenegger's favourite island?

Isle Be Back

Mile high club

A couple traveling to Dallas on a plane want to join the mile high club. They can’t figure out how to do it without drawing attention.

Finally the woman sits on mans lap and has him fully inserted. She leans forward to the person in front of them and says “are you going to Dallas” they say y...

Irish Jokes Megathread

Post all of your Irish, St. Patrick's Day, or good ol' Emerald Isle jokes for the day here! I'd like to share some with coworkers.

I work in a grocery store...

One day while taking inventory in the breakfast isle, I asked my coworker

"Could you read me the serial number on the box there?"

He replied "Zero zero zero, zero zero.....zero zero."

"Damnit Mark! Those are Froot Loops!"

Hawaii got nervous but...

It missed isle

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An old general store owner needs some help in sales...

So he hires a young farm hand, and explains to him on his first day- "Ya gotta understand the up sell kid"
The kid shakes his head, listening intently.

"The next customer that comes in, I'll demonstrate how it's done okay?"
again the kid nods.

Just then, a customer walks in, ...

How do you spot a meth - head in Wal-Mart...

In the light - bulb isle with their cart turned upside down, fixing a squeaky wheel.

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3 guys on a plane

3 guys on a plane who had never met, found themselves sitting next to each other on row of seats on a flight to Pittsburgh. After they had all sat down and got a chance to look at each other, something was strangely coincidental ... they each had a black eye.

The guy sitting in the isle seat ...

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Stewardess

Two days ago I was on a plane from Edmonton to Vegas. And unlucky me got the middle seat. To my right is a man who has already passed out against the window and to my left beside the isle is a nice old lady. 20 minutes into our flight the captain keys open the mic to inform us we have reached our cr...

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A Peg-Legged, Hook-Handed, One-Eyed Pirate...

After thirteen months of sailing the seven seas, a battle-worn schooner filled to the brim with booty and booze makes port in the rag-tag pirate isle of Tortuga.

The captain - a buccaneer known the world over for his utter lack of mercy, his terrible greed, and his hearty girth - lumbers off ...

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A man tells his wife to run an errand

He says to his wife "Go to the store and pick up some broccoli."
So she heads to the local super market in search of the broccoli.

When she gets there she asks a man at the front desk

"Excuse me sir, where is the broccoli?"

He says "I'm sorry ma'am were out of broccoli."
...

Another penguin joke

This was my grandpa's favorite joke, I had to share it here.

A penguin was driving down a desert freeway during a very hot summer. The penguin didn't mind the heat outside, because it had fantastic air conditioning in its car.

...until its car broke down. Luckily, there was a pay...

Daedalus and the Labyrinth

Daedalus, the famous Greek architect and inventor, was relaxing in his home in the Blessed Isles of the Underworld when Hades, the Lord of Death himself, came to him with a favor.

"Listen, Daedalus," Hades began. "You know how the population of the dead here increase every year? The Underworl...

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A man goes shopping at the market..

He pulls into the frozen food section and looks around, grabbing a few hungry man frozen dinners along with a bag of tater-tots and a few burritos. Next he rolled down the chip isle making sure to grab an original, bbq, and sour cream and onion variety of Lays. Next up: hot dogs, spaghetti, and some...

The U.S. congress has passed a massive budget to salvage a sunken vessel last year, today they announced their result

The U.S. navy believes it may have discovered the wreckage of the nation’s military submarine, Squalus, which disappeared a century ago off the coast of Isles of Shoals.

A navy mine hunter reportedly made a “contact of interest” while conducting an underwater search for Squalus. The contact w...

A woman walks onto a bus

A woman walks onto a bus holding her child in her arms, the bus driver stops her and says, I'm sorry ma'am, no animals on the bus. The woman says, how dare you, this is my child! The woman walks down the Isle and takes a seat next to a man and says, can you believe that bus driver? He made fun of my...

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Roll your Own

A man walks into a store and asks the clerk where he can find the tampons, so he can pick some up for his wife. He is directed to the appropriate "nasty women stuff" isle. He returns a few minutes later with a bag of cotton balls and a roll of kite string. The clerk hesitantly asks, " I know it's no...

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Nearing the end of a long flight,

the pilot starts talking on the intercom announcing that the final approach coming up. Unknowingly, he then lays down the mic, mistakenly leaving it on. The pilot says to the co-pilot, "Man I could sure use a cup of coffee right about now." The co-pilot chuckles and says "Better yet, I could use a ...

My favorite joke as a kid

A duck walks into a hardware store, goes up to the man attending the counter, and asks "Excuse me sir, do you sell any duck food here?" The man simply nods no and the duck leaves.

The next day, the duck returns to the same store. The same guy is behind the counter and once again, the duck ask...

Whats brown and comes out of Cowes backwards?

The Isle of Wight ferry.

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Dad told me this one

This guy went Christmas shopping for his daughter. She said she wanted a Barbie. Typical right? Well he went to the toy store and went looking for a couple Barbies. He grabbed the Malibu Barbie, Katniss Barbie and the holland Barbie. As he was leaving the isle he saw a divorce Barbie. It had a $299 ...

An Olympic swimmer...

...is on a cruise ship, when it hits a reef and sinks. Bobbing in the waves, he spies an island in the distance, makes for it, and barely gets ashore. All he finds on the isle are fruit trees, a female sheep and a big dog. The fruit trees provide sustenance, but he starts to feel lonely. The sheep h...

A man and his wife go to the grocery store..,

A man and his wife are walking down the cosmetic isle in the grocery store,

The wife says, "I am going to get this bottle of cream to make me look beautiful it is only $19.95"

The man replies,"You don't need that honey, just put it back."

The man and his wife walk past the beer...

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