My wife teases me with ice cream bc she knows I’m lactose intolerant.

She really milks it too.

Did you hear about the guy who went to the doctor bc he had a headache?

The doctor examined his ear and found money. The doctor kept pulling and pulling it out and found a total of $1,999. Then the doctor said, "no wonder you're not feeling two grand!"

The only cow in a small town in USA stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow from BC Canada for 1,000 dollars, or one from Alberta Canada for 800 dollars. Being poor, they bought the cow from Alberta. The cow was wonderful.

It produced lots of milk all the time, and the people were amazed and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it. Then they would never have to worry about the milk supply again.

They bought a bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved...

A Bear walks into a bar

A Bear walks into a bar in Barnaby BC. Asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender replied " sorry we can't serve bears in Barnaby bc". The bear replied if you don't serve me I will eat the woman at the end of the bar.
The bartender replied sorry.... And the bear ate her... then he wan...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dick measuring contest

Kind of long


3 men, 1 white, 1 Mexican, and 1 black were standing on a 15 story building.

Mexican: hey let’s measure our dicks. Just throw yours down, and whoever’s makes it the most stories wins.

They all agree, and the white guy goes first. He unzips, throws his dick do...

BC now stands for "Before Coronavirus"

and AD is now "After Distancing"

>!Welcome to the new dark ages!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An alcoholic having marital problems bc of his drinking..

Goes to the bar and gets so drunk he pukes all over himself. Lamenting that his wife will leave him bc of this, a guy at the bar says "just say someone else puked on you, and that they put a $20 in your shirt pocket to cover the cleaning". Oh what a great idea!

So the drunk returns home, an...

Now I know what BC and AC stands for

Before COVID and After COVID

An ancient "your mom" joke, from Ancient Rome, between 63 BC to 14 AD .

"The Emperor Augustus was touring the Empire, when he noticed a man in the crowd who bore a striking resemblance to himself.

"Intrigued he asked: 'Was your mother at one time in service at the Palace?'

"'No your Highness,' he replied, 'but my father was.'"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children...

"You all have obsessions," he
observed.

To the first mother, from Toronto, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom, from Montreal, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's...

My wife is mad at me.

She said if I don't get off the computer she will smash my head into the keyboard. I think it might just be a joke thobfufjebwhhwhf8djfnrk727gdbd eu27y d bc uuehwjw 7 8j

In 100,000 BC, a man woke up, passed a joint to his wife

...and thus started the stone age!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend and I broke up bc I couldn’t handle that she likes her sex like she likes her burgers....

5 Guys

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In 450 BC a Greek and a Roman are sitting around, discussing who has more reason to be proud of their heritage

Roman: We are clearly the superior society, after all, we invented aqueducts so cities and fields alike could grow

Greek: Perhaps, but we invented the water mill for grinding abundant grain, so that it could be stored and feed the people. Plus, we developed cartography, mapping out the world....

Triple Filter

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly: "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like y...

Only 50,000 BC kids will get this

Ugga: Ung bung uhh mang Bunga tankun ung

Bunga: Nanga uhh ung tangung uhh...unganun

Ugga: Inga Bunga langa ung ugg Ugga?

Bunga: Ung bunga uhh tangung angu OOK OOOOOK

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife & I got into a big fight bc she says I'm always exaggerating.

I was so mad I stormed off & tripped over my dick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bear walks into a bar in BC

And orders a beer, the bartender says," We don't serve beers to bears in bars in BC". Before he can respond an old lady in the back of the bar says, " Get that filthy bear out of here!", Bear looks over at her, looks back the bartender and says, " I want a beer now." Bartender says,"Sorry we don't ...

The world's oldest recorded joke in history.

I'm a long-time fan of this sub-reddit and frequent up-voter, but I seldomly have anything funny to post, so here is the oldest joke in recorded history, dating back to 1900 BC (almost 4 thousand years ago from ancient Sumeria):

Q: What is something that has never before occurred since time i...

Why does the physicist call everyone when they're stressed?

Bc with a series connection, the voltage is divided.

Why do dragons never finish anything on time?

bc they like to drag on and on.

In 218 BC Hannibal crossed the Alps with elephants.

He got a mountain range that never forgets.

I called the library and asked if they could tell me when the Mesozoic Era started.

She said, "About 250 million years ago."

I said, "Could you be more specific? It's for homework."

She said, "Hang on a minute."

She came back and said, "It started September 17, two-hundred and fifty-one million years BC."

Am I people?

Baby chick: Mummy, Mummy, am I people?

Mother hen: No dear, you are chicken.

BC: Mummy, Mummy, was I born?

MH: No dear, you were laid.

BC: Mummy, Mummy, do people get laid?

MH: Some do, and some are chicken.

If an apple and an emo kid fall off a tree what hits the ground first?

The apple bc the rope caught the emo kid

Call Me Biodegradable

Bc I break down really easily


2020 amirite

4000 YEARS of MEDICINE

2000 BC : Here, eat this root.

1000 AD : That root is heathen! Here, say this prayer.

1865 AD : That prayer is superstition! Here, drink this potion.


1935 AD : That potion is snake oil! Here, swallow this pill.


1975 AD : That pill is ineffective! Here take this a...

An attractive girl looked at me

probably bc I farted but it was the best 4 seconds of my life

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Justice is best served cold...

...bcs if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

credit to u/elhermanobrother for the joke.

Am i gravity?

Bc im letting everyone down.

Why can’t orphans play baseball?

Bc they don’t know where home is

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My boyfriend and I had sex in a paleolithic museum

Unfortunately, we're both positive for hepatitis BC, now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are walking through the desert and stumble across a big rock

- Hey, what a weird rock!

- Yes, it looks like a pyramid!

They both dig and discover a huge pyramid.

- Shit! It's a giant pyramid!

- What do we do with this?

- We should notify the American archaeological team. These people are professional and I'm sure they'l...

The CIA, The Mossad and The KGB.

A mummy was found in Egypt, and to determine its age and whatnot, three best forensic teams of the world decided to start a competition.

The CIA went first. They studied the mummy for a year, and then came up with a result: the person lived around 1000 years BC, plus or minus 200 years.
...

Why cant a bicycle stand on his own?

Bc he’s two tired

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Alerts to Threats in Europe

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 194...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, I named my penis Buddha

Bc often when I rub it, it brings me happiness,peace and mental wealth.

A very Canadian joke

It's Grey Cup weekend in Vancouver... the Stampeders are playing the Argonauts at BC Place, and fans are flying in from all over the country to watch the game and join in the festivities.

It's kind of chaotic at the domestic arrivals terminal at YVR. Air Canada and WestJet flights are arrivin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

THERE IS A VIRUS GOING AROUND REDDIT W THE LINK "CO-EDS.AVI" THAT MAKES YOU TYPE IN ALL CAPS

I DIDNT CLICK ON IT BC I DONT WATCH PORN BUT BE ON THE LOOK OUT..

Why does the Mexican Air Force stress out Donald Trump?

Bc he can’t stand the sound of twenty Juan pilots.

Why are Puerto Ricans & Mexicans discouraged from marrying each other?

Bc their kids will be too lazy to steal.

Girl, am I a loan offered to ppl with impeccable credit and a long history of timely payments?

Bc I have 0 interest

The first human migrants to America are about to cross the land bridge between Eastern Russia and Alaska. The navigator seems a bit lost.

The year is 13,000 BC. The first human migrants to America are about to cross the land bridge between Eastern Russia and Alaska. The navigator seems a bit lost.

"You alright?" They ask him, waiting eagerly at the shore with a distant view of the new lands that awaited them.

"Yeah, I th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can your dick touch your asshole?

There’s a grandpa and he has a cigarette. His grandson asks if he can try it and the grandpa asks “can your dick touch your asshole?” The grandson says no. The grandpa says “no, you can’t try it.” The grandpa also has a cup of beer, and the grandson asks if he can try it. The grandpa asks again, “ca...

People say that using your pet name as password is very bad idea...

but my bcQr#1f!e is just so adorable!

Little Johnny's First Day Back to School...

On the first day of a new school year, the teacher asks the class "what did you all do during the summer?"

Little Johnny chimes in "I went to see my grandma in Saskatchewan."

Teacher says "Saskatchewan sounds like a nice place, can you spell Saskatchewan?"

To which Little Johnny...

Blondes and a Mummy

Two blondes are looking at an Egyptian mummy.

Blonde 1 : look so many bandages ! Must have been a car accident.

Blonde 2 : yeah ! They have give the license plate number as well , BC 1760

What did Victoria say to Vancouver?

I'll BC-ing you later.

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff

[Ba dum tssshhh](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bcYppAs6ZdI)

What would you call a Russian invasion of Alaska?

Ice [Krim](http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/%D0%9A%D1%80%D1%8B%D0%BC)

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