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Baguette Jokes

Why was the dog shaped like a baguette?

Because it was bread that way.

Jesus, waving around a baguette at The Last Supper

"You wanna piece of me!?"

So I just put a baguette in my microwave

Guess you could say that I witnessed a French Revolution.

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What do you call it when you sit on a French baguette?

A pain in the ass.

To kill a French Vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart.

Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

I just killed a vampire with a baguette

the process was painstaking.

Why don't Indians eat baguette?

Because there's naan there.

I was trying to eat a stale baguette

Safe to say, it was a pain

What did the German Kaiser roll say to the French baguette?

*Gluten tag*

I went to a zoo and there was a baguette in a cage

The keeper said it was bread in captivity.

My dad won a baguette in the raffle

He was our family's breadwinner

Why was the baguette excited for his audition?

He heard he might be playing a big roll

Did you hear about the French gym where you have to bring them a baguette or else they won’t let you in?

They have “No le pain, no gain” policy.

How does a baguette fight end?

With a lot of pain.

In Paris, a man was beaten to death with a baguette.

The French police raids several apartments: ”We are looking for Le Pain Killer”

What did the Frenchman say when he got beat with baguette?

I’m in pain.

A baker bakes 73,247 baguettes in a year and sells each for $2.73. What does he make?

Bread.

I hit Napolean with a baguette.

He felt the *pain*.

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Ever put baguettes up your butthole?

Le pain in the ass

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The Baguette Joke

A man that works for a large insurance company was sent to see the company's therapist. The therapist asked the man why he was sent to see her.
"I am told I have a speech impediment, but I think the really reason I was sent down here is because I hate baguettes," said the man in a crisp and flui...

A baker was smacked lightly with a baguette by his coworker.

He felt a small pain.

I went to the store to purchase some bread and the grocery store clerk asked me if I wanted paper or plastic?

I said, "I don't care, just baguette."

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Two cockroaches run into each other in a week old baguette

One says to the other, 'Hey, I thought I was the only roach from around these parts. Where you from?'

The other responds, 'Who, me? I was born in bread right here.'

A man sat on a baguette pointy end up.

He claimed it was "a pain in the ass".

I asked an MRA what he thinks about baguettes.

He said

"What about them? Bags have it way worse".

I have the head of a watermelon, the arms of two French baguettes, the chest of two pillows. What am I?

Banned from the supermarket.

My friend has a weird talent:

He stands on a loaf of bread and when he throws a dart, he can hit the bullseye every time. He did it at a local talent competition once, and the judges were so impressed, they moved him up to an official talent league.

For the competition, however, he stepped it up. He stacked three baguette...

What is a female " Douchebag" in France called??

A douche-baguette

I went to the store to buy a french loaf and the clerk asked me, "how do you want this to be put away?"

I told him "baguette"

What's the Indian way of saying 'Bread of Heaven'?

Is it:

A) Holy Loaf

B) Sacred Baguette

Or C) Naan of the above

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What do you call it when someone puts a baguette in their anus?

A pain in the arse.

Javert's Market is having a sale on baguettes.

Naturally, they're two for €6.01.

French dad joke.

Do You know how to call a person who loves to eat an french baguette?

painkiller

I once asked an affluent French baker how he'd managed to make so much money making bread. His answer:

Success baguettes success.

How do the French get bread home?

They baguette

What did the French guy say to the cashier when he was buying bread?

Baguette.

People in France have such bad pronunciation

They called me a bigot I'm pretty sure they meant baguette.

A guy walks into a bakery

He buys bread, and the baker asks if he'd like his bread bagged in paper or plastic. The guy replies, "Baguette however you want".

A tourist from France visits the US

He goes to his hotel's restaurant and orders a salad and a hot dog

The waiter first comes back with an enormous bowl. With a smile on his face, he tells the tourist "In America, everything is giant!"

The tourist manages to finish the salad. The waiter comes back again with the hot dog....

Some people were swordfighting with long pieces of bread. Then, pretty soon, everyone was swordfighting with long pieces of bread

because violence baguettes violence.

I want to have a cheese salad roll with bacon and olives before I die..

It's on my baguette list....

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Typical, I go to buy sexy underwear for a ghost.

And all they have is baguettes.

My husband and daughter start using French bread as swords

I say, “You shouldn’t do that! Violence baguettes violence.”

An American, a Frenchman, and a Canadian are all in a boat...

An American, a Frenchman, and a Canadian are all in a boat. The boat is sinking.

The Frenchman throws a baguette off of the boat, saying "We have too many of these in our country."

The American throws a computer off of the boat, saying "We have too many of these in our country."
...

1980s European leaders Mitterrand, Brezhnev and Thatcher were flying around Europe in a helicopter, trying to recognize cities without seeing them.

Thatcher went first. She stuck her ear out the window and stated: "I can hear Big Ben chime. This is London!"

Next was Mitterrand. He stuck his nose out and stated: "I can smell fresh baguette. This is Paris!"

Last was Brezhnev. He stuck his hand out and yelped: "What... hey! Somebody ...

A French internet cafe had to cancel a CS:GO tournament it was supposed to host, after someone stole all the baked goods.

The gamers said the baguette loss was intolerable.

Mother Superior was curious as why all the nuns were suddenly eager to visit the village bakery.

So she decided to journey from the convent and into town to find out for herself.

When she entered the bakery, the baker greeted her with a big smile.

“Greetings Sister! What can I get for you today?”

“What do you suggest?” She asked.

“Well, this new recipe of mine has ...

A german, a french and a turkish man on a plane

The plane is about to crash unless the passengers drop some weight. The pilot tells the three guys to drop something which they have enough of in their country.

The french man throws a baguette out of the window.

The turkish man throws a kebap out of the window.

The german thro...

Day at the Races

It is the finals for a multi terrain cat racing competition. The final event was to swim across a river.

There were three cats in the finals.

- A French cat named *Un Deux Trois*.
- An English cat named *Four Three Two*.
- A German cat named *Eins Zwei*.

During the rac...

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Me (to a sentient piece of human shit): "Hey, what were you before you were shit?" Shit: "Well, before I was consumed, masticated, and digested, I was a beautiful French baguette." "Does it disappoint you, that you were once so beautiful but are now a piece of shit?

"Are you kidding? I was bread for this."

In the City of Loafington, there lived a superhero named Wonderbread.

Wonderbread was, predictably, a superhero with bread-themed powers. He could beat up a gang with a baguette, trap someone in a giant pita, or cushion someone's fall with swiftly-rising dough. He was beloved by all in the city, for his escapades had the lovely side-effect of feeding the entire city f...

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So there's this duck...

...and one day he's walkin down the street when he gets a huge craving for some donuts. So he goes to the bakery and walks in and says to the baker "hey man can i get a dozen donuts, half glazed and half boston creme?" And the baker's like "No, you can't. We don't serve ducks here." And the duck's a...

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