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A crusty old man walks into a bank...

A crusty old man walks into a bank & says to the teller, "I want to open a fucking checking account."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."

The woman leaves the window & goes over to the bank manager to infor...

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student, "Sir, do you really understand everything about this subject?"

Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you ...

A crusty, old pirate walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender notices a giant ship's wheel protruding from his belt buckle.

As the bartender sets down the drink, his curiosity gets the better of him, so he says, "Hey, forgive me for staring, but I couldn't help but notice that giant ship's wheel on your crotch. What's that all about?"

To which the pirate replies, "Aye matey, 'tis no real mystery you see, but it's ...

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When I was in elementary school, we had this old crusty WWII fighter pilot vet come speak to my school…

He was telling us about a dog fight he was in. “So there I was in my Mustang, I had three f***ers to my right, two f***ers to my left, and one f***er right in front of me.” My teacher got red with embarrassment and jutted in, “Boys and girls, the Fokker was a kind of plane used by Germany in World W...

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What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs?

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean!

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An old and crusty retired Army Master Sergeant was sitting by himself at a bar [mildly NSFW]

...when a beautiful blonde bombshell comes in the room. She noticed the old Master Sergeant right away. She finds him rugged and handsome, and sits down next to him.

"May I buy you a drink?" she asks him. He obliges.

She's obviously interested in him. The blonde says to him "So t...

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A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major...

... found himself at the Snowball last year. There was no shortage of hot idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached him for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?" "Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."...

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A crusty old sergeant major walks into a brothel in Korea...

He walks up to the receptionist and says, "I'm a sergeant major, I've seen combat in every major conflict for the last 35 years, and I want the best goddamn hooker you've got in this place!"

The receptionist nods and leads him to one of the back rooms. Waiting there is a stunningly beautiful ...

What's the difference is between a lobster with breast implants and a filthy bus depot?

One is a busty crustacean and the other is a crusty bus-station!
*edited because I screwed up my original punchline...

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A crusty old biker out on a long summer ride in the country pulls up to a tavern in the middle of nowhere...

...parks his bike and walks inside.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he sees a sign hanging over the
bar:
COLD BEER :
2.00
HAMBURGER :
2.25
CHEESEBURGER :
2.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH :
3.50
HAND JOB :
50.00


Checking his wallet ...

My girlfriend said I have crusty feet.

I blame my socks.

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Going to Hell [Long]

The evil man arrived in Hell and was immediately greeted by his Eternal Assignment Demon. They walked down a dank hallway until they came upon a door. “This is your first option of three for you to serve your eternal damnation. Behold.” The EAD slides the hatch on the door and the evil man (let’s ca...

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A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.

He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:

Hamburger - 2.99

Cheeseburger - 3.99

Chicken Sandwich - 4.99

Hand Jobs - 19.99

The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at th...

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The Pillsbury Dough Boy has died...

It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news:

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly.

He was 71.

Doughb...

[Long and semi not safe] The butler and the wife

There was a butler named James who worked for an old decrepit Billionaire that had a smoking hot 25 year old wife. James was infatuated with her and knew she wasn’t being satisfied by ole crusty.

He was caught staring at her longingly more than once and she seemed flattered more than offende...

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A burnt out advertising executive decides he has had enough of the rat race & buys a property way out west

No electricity, no phones - no company. He has read everything he can &, after a few weeks is getting a bit bored. One afternoon he seens the dust coming up way in the distance coming towards him, a while later a crusty old bushie gets out of a battered holden ute and puts out his hand. "Hello m...

There was a water shortage in town and and an order came down from the commanding general,

“No liberty until the water situation improves.” All of the units on the base complied except a small contingent of navy Seabees led by a crusty old warrant officer. Come Friday night all of the troops on base were confined to base except the Seabees. They were turned loose in the town and proceede...

One Sunday a military chaplain was giving a sermon on service members misuse of the word “hell” in every day life.

With fire and brimstone vigor he expostulated on the absurdity of expressions such as: “What the hell do you want?” “Get the hell over here!” “Where the hell have you been?!” and many others.

As always he greeted his parishioners as they exited the chapel and sure enough, a crusty old Mari...

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In the Navy.

The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name, sailor?"

"John," the new seaman replied.

"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his firs...

Bob the Sailor & Ollie the Octopus walk into a bar...

Bob the sailor walks into a bar carrying a large octopus. He announces to the bar that this octopus can not only talk, but he has a very unique talent which he will share with the crowd for $50 a turn.

Bartender says "There's no way that octopus can talk."

"Sure he can. Ollie, tell the...

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A man walks into a bar...

and sits down next to a crusty old sailor, whose head is the size of an orange but otherwise looks and acts normal. After quite a few beers, the man can't help himself and asks the sailor why his head is so small. The sailor laughs good naturedly, and begins to tell his tale.

Decades ago h...

What's the difference between a dirty area where people wait for buses and a crab with breast implants

One is a crusty bus station and the other is a freak of nature able to somehow talk to humans about such matters

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