They say that 1 out of every 3 people in a serious relationship will be unfaithful at some point.

Now I've just got to figure out if it’s my wife or my girlfriend.

What do you call an unfaithful pirate?

A swashcuckler.

Husband and wife are having marriage trouble. Husband is often unfaithful. One day the wife died an early death and arrives at Heavens Gate met by a past loved one.

It was her grandmother.

Wife: grandmother what must I do to get through Heavens gate?

Grandmother: it's easy honey, all you have to do is spell one word.

Wife: what is it?

Grandmother: Love

After many years and multiple wives later the husband dies and arrives at ...

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A man is leaving for a business trip and is worried his wife might be unfaithful, so he stops by a sex shop.

He explains his situation to the owner of the store and the owner smiles widely, "I have just the thing for you." From behind the counter she pulls out an old wooden box with strange writing scratched all over it. "I will let you rent this," she says. She opens the box and inside is a large, smooth ...

The unfaithful wife

A couple are sitting around one evening and the man says to his wife, "Marsha, we are about to celebrate our 40th wedding anniversary. We've had a wonderful life together, full of contentment and blessings. But there's something I've always wondered about. Tell me the truth. Have you ever been unfai...

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

A politicain wanted to confirm that his son was really his son or had his wife been unfaithful.

He creates a setup. He places a $1000 bill, a glass of whiskey and a gun on a table. He then calls his son in. His son barges in "Hey Dad"

He shows his son the setup and tells him to choose.

The son without a second thought picks up the bill, puts it in his pocket. Without further ado,...

My partner was afraid that I was cheating, which I wasn’t.

She came to me one evening, very serious. I knew something was going on. She asked, in that tone that instantly puts a lump in your throat, “I suspect you’ve been unfaithful. Do you have a sec to talk?”

I wanted her to know she has my full attention, so I replied, “I have a lot of secs!”
<...

A man is on his deathbed, and he asks his wife...

“Martha, soon I will be gone forever, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years of marriage, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for...

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Why you shouldn't be unfaithful.

A guy notices a hot chick giving him the eye in the supermarket. 'Do i know you?' he asks. She says 'Aren't you the dad of one of my kids?' He thinks back to the only time he's ever been unfaithful & says 'Were you the hooker I banged over the pool table at my buddy's party while your friend spa...

BALLS FOR SALE (not mine)

This woman is cleaning out her attic, when she comes across a small shoebox she hasn't seen before. She opens it. Inside: 3 golf balls, and $50 in cash. There's only one golfer in the house, so she asks him when he gets home form work.

he breaks down completely. "Every time I was unfaithful t...

A couple had been married for 50 years. The man had a large cardboard box under the bed.

His wife had noticed this box but never thought much of it. One day, however, curiosity got the better of her, and she opened it. She found 2 empty beer cans and a bag with some dollar bills and coins.

That night, she asked her husband what this was about.

"Well," he replied. "If y...

I don't know if a lion would be unfaithful in a relationship

But a Tiger Wood.

I have been wondering for a long time, what unfaithful women eat.

Food for thot.

A man and his wife are saying their goodbyes as he is nearing death.

"my love" he says "I have to confess to you before I die. I've been unfaithful. We've been married for nearly fifty years and and once, only once, after we had been married for several years, I strayed. Please forgive me!"

The wife moves from his side and goes to the hope chest at the end of ...

Three men ascend to heaven and they meet St Peter at the pearly gates.



St. Peter makes it clear to the men that they can only come in if they’ve never drunk, never smoked and never been unfaithful to their wife. The first man steps up and says: “Hiya Pete, I’ve never smoked, never drunk and never been unfaithful to my wife.”

The first man gets the nod o...

I've been thinking recently that unfaithful women are condemned way beyond proportion.

Begone, thought.

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A man was at the grocery store

when he suddenly notices an attractive woman waving at him.



She smiles and says hello.

The man is puzzled and can't recall where he knows her from.

He says, "Do you know me?"

The woman replies, "You’re the father of one of my kids."

The man's mind is racing...

Why did the unfaithful chicken cross the road?

To get to his other side chick.

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Jean Jacques discovers that his wife has been unfaithful to him.

So he does what so many betrayed frenchmen have done before him, he swears off women and joins the French Foreign Legion. He completes the basic training and is posted to a mission in north Africa. His detachment are stationed out in the desert, hunting Islamist insurgents.
After a month, he i...

What did Miss Piggy's boyfriend do after he found out she was unfaithful?

Kermit suicide.

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A man goes to the therapist and says...

"Doctor, you got to help me. My wife is unfaithful to me. Every night, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up a man. She sleeps with anybody who asks her. I can't take this anymore!"
The therapist says: "Relax. Take a deep breath, sit down, and tell me exactly: where's Larry's bar?"

Did you hear about the unfaithful hippie?

She was stoned to death.

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An old fisherman suspected his wife of cheating, so he hired a private investigator...

This is a long one, so bear with me.

The fisherman and his wife lived in Saint John’s, Newfoundland and he made his living by going out into the ocean to net cod under the watchful eye of his captain.

In those days, the best fishing was to be found far out on the banks very far from...

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An old man dies and gets to heaven....

At the gates, St. Peter tells him "you did well, but you were unfaithful to your wife on many different occasions."

The man new this was true and said "I'm sorry and I'll accept any consequences given to me."

St. Peter said "for this, you'll be given a smokey old Ford to ride, in heave...

Faithful

After having died, a couple souls flied to the heaven gate, St.Pierre opened the door and informed that for one time of unfaithfulness to each other in their life they will be prod by a needle.
After being prod 5 times, the wife turned to St.Pierre and asked:
“Where is my husband?”
“He i...

Unfaithful Husband

A wife was beginning to suspect that her husband had become unfaithful, coming home at odd hours of the night with the excuse that he was out playing cards with friends.


One night the couple had plans for a masquerade party, but as the husband was getting ready the wife mentioned that she...

Final words

A man is holding his wife's hand as shes lying on her death-bed.
"Jerry , I have something to tell you before I pass on," she whispers."
"No, no, dear," says Jerry. "Everything is forgiven now. All is well."
"No Jerry" she mumbles." I've been carrying this load for years now, and I mu...

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an unfaithful man

what does an unfaithful man say to his wife after having sex?

I'll be home in half an hour.

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Little Suzy sees her mother in bed with the mailman

Innocent but curious, she tells her father the very next day.

"Ok, Suzy" replies her father, "Our relatives are coming over for dinner later. I think you ought to tell them what you saw too."

At dinnertime, Suzy is waiting for everyone to sit down. As soon as Uncle Billy Bob takes his ...

In the family

A husband confesses to his wife that he was unfaithful 21years ago, and as a result has a son. The wife forgives him. 9month later the wife is heavily pregnant and the husband wants to introduce his son to his wife.
The wife agrees and a date is set. On the morning arranged and as the father and ...

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Box under the bed

When Eamonn and Ruth first got married Eamonn said, *“I am a sex addict and I’m putting a box under the bed to help control my addiction. You must promise never to look in it.”*

In all their 30 years of marriage, Ruth never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosit...

A joke about heaven

A woman died and arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter said “Yes?”
“I want to come in please”.....”Name?”......”Smith.”....”Know anyone here who will vouch for you”? .... “Mmmm, my husband maybe”? “Have you any idea how many men named Smith we have up here, is there any way to help identi...

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Father of one of my children

A guy is in line at the local Wal-Mart when he notices that a rather hot blond behind him has just smiled and said "Hello" to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be talking to him and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from.

So he says, "I'm sor...

Golden Wedding Secret

A husband and wife were coming up on their 50th wedding anniversary, and the wife had grown curious about a box under their bed. It had a lock on it, and had been present ever since she married him. On the night of their golden wedding anniversary, the wife decided it was time she found out what was...

Cheating husband dies and makes it to the pearly gates.

St Peter looks at him and says "You were unfaithful to your wife 28 times. Don't worry, you'll be accepted in -- only you won't get a brand new car like those who were more loyal in their marriage"

Confused the man asks "I get a car though?"

St Peter replies "Of course. Everyone needs ...

A wife was dying.

A wife was dying. She called her husband and said, "Gary, I've been unfaithful."

Gary answered, "I know. That's why I poisoned you."

The Husband Store

So a new store opened up in town where women can go and find the love of their lives. There are some rules though:

1. You can only shop once. Ever.
2. The quality of the 'merchandise' increases as you go up a floor (there are 6 floors total)
3. You can choose any product from any floor,...

I caught my husband going to a brothel and I'm not sure what to do now.

On the one hand he is unfaithful, but on the other hand it was nice that he visited me at work.

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(LONG) A woman marries a sex addict:

A young woman marries a sex addict.

For the first few weeks everything was fine until she found a box under the bed, curious, she asked the man about it, he said" that's my secret and you must not open it", "I understand" she replied.

A few months pass and the womens curiosity gets t...

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Magic Dildo

Disclaimer: Yes, I know this is a repost. I haven't seen it on here in a while and it's my favorite joke so just enjoy it.

A husband had to leave his wife for 3 months while he attended business in Africa. To prevent her loneliness and to lower the temptations of her being unfaithful he went...

A woman wants to test her boyfriend

She thinks he may be unfaithful, so she asks her sister to help her with something.

As the boyfriend pulls up to the house and enters to find a trail of roses leading up to a closed door. He opens the door to find his girlfriends sister, laying on the bed.

"So, do you fancy it? You kn...

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It's Bill and Hillary Clinton's fiftieth anniversary...

As they sat over a candle lit dinner, Hillary made a confession. "Bill," she says. "You know that box in the basement you told me never to open?"
"Yes" says Bill.
"It had been bothering me for years and finally curiosity won over. I opened it."
Bill sighed in disappointment. Hillary asked...

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Three men are standing at the pearly gates...

St. Peter tells them, "As you all know God has a sense of humor and his latest idea is to put the Kingdom of Heaven several hundred miles from the Pearly Gates."
"How is that supposed to be funny?" one guy asks.
"Well, God had the novel idea of allowing those admitted into Heaven a vehicle to...

Eggs

A couple were married for 25yrs. One day while cleaning their room, she finds a box hidden inside his closet and decides to open it with the thought that her husband is keeping a secret to her. In the box she finds 3 eggs and 10 grand.
This seems very strange so she went to him and asks:
"Why...

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There once was an old king and queen (LONG)

There was once a King and Queen who lived happily together in their kingdom -- but every time the king would go off to fight in a war the Queen would cheat on him with the Royal Guards.

The King went to his Royal Wizard and asked "Wizard, I think that the Queen has been unfaithful. How will I...

A woman is cleaning out her husband's bedside table...

...and when she gets to the bottom drawer she finds 3 eggs and $3,458.

Confused, she asks her husband about it. He sighs, then says sadly, "You'd better sit down."

She sits, looking anxious. "We've been married for over 30 years", he starts, "and in that time, I've... well I've been un...

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A man sitting in a bar has a revelation.

After a few drinks a man in a bar begins to think that his wife is cheating on him. He rushes home to his second story apartment and finds his wife in a sexy robe. Conviced that he caught her he starts searching throughout the apartment but cannot find anyone.
All of a sudden he hears a cry of h...

Three men arrive at a checkpoint near the gates of heaven

The first man walks up to god, who is reading the summary of his deeds before deciding which vehicle he is to use to drive to heavens gates with.

"I see you were quite unfaithful with your wife, cheating on her a total of three times." The man looks down in shame. "You are to drive up to heav...

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Heaven was running out of spots for new souls

So St. Peter was instructed by God to only let in people, who, apart from having lived honorable lives, had also suffered a terribly traumatic last moment, and needed consolation for that.

The next day, St. Peter went to his place at the front gates of Heaven, and three men were there, waitin...

A missionary has spent the last few months bringing the joys of Christ to a primitive forest tribe.

He has become a friend of the people, and has taught them much. One day, one of the chieftain's many wives gives birth to an albino child. The chieftain has never seen such such a thing, and immediately assumes that his wife has been unfaithful and has been intimate with the only white man in the fo...

A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary

A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, privately, at home with a couple of bottles of champagne.

A bit tipsy and feeling very intimate the husband turns to his wife and asks, "Tell me truthfully, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

"Well," she replied, "since...

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These two guys , Scott and Steve die in a horrible plane crash

As they approach the pearly gates they come upon an able bodied administrator who goes by the name of Peter. This saintly individual welcomes them and says, we are a bit backed up today so we can offer you a visit with some of your fallen comrades while you wait if this pleases you. They quickly ...

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A joke my dad used to tell my brother and me. Long but worth it IMO.

Three men die and find themselves in a waiting room outside the gates of heaven.

An angel enters the room and says, "hey guys. We've had a really busy day. A lot of good people died today and we are almost at capacity for the day. However, if you explain how you died, maybe I can make some r...

Side effects of sleeping in church.

A lady dozed off while the pastor was preaching. When she woke up, she heard the pastor saying, “Stand up!”. To look attentive, she stood up and the pastor said, “Thank you young lady and God bless you! Please remain standing.” The pastor continued, “Anyone else who has been unfaithful to her husban...

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There were 3 men...

There were 3 men and they all died in a car crash and went to hell. When they got there the devil asked them all in turn a question.To he first he said “what was your biggest sin on earth?” and the man replied “Oh man I just love alcohol and being drunk man” so the devil showed the man to a room ful...

"The child returned to the sun"

Around 1250, a merchant leaves France for a 2 years trip to the middle-east. When he comes back, his unfaithful wife had a son with a handsome young man of the city. Upon coming back home, the merchant sees the baby, who is obviously too young to be his own. He asks his wife: "My dear wife, please t...

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There was a string of murders recently in Madrid

Every week, on a Sunday, a body of a prostitute would be found disemboweled in an alley way. After a few weeks, the local investigators determined it was indeed a serial murder. Further investigation showed that each murder occurred exactly a kilometer away from a seedy inn, known for having an abra...

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A man goes shopping...

...to the supermarket. At the cashier, there is a pretty long queue. In the queue next to him, a hot blonde smiles at him. The dude says:

"Hmm, do we know each other?"

"I'm not sure, but I think you might just be the father of one of my kids!"

The guy thinks about the only time ...

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.

The Lord spoke unto them saying, "I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....Hell is waiting for you.

To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times did you cheat on your wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a good hus...

Looking for hubby at The Pearly Gates

Mary Smith, a devout lady, passes and is transported toward heaven. She asks St Peter if he can re-unite her with her husband for eternity? Sure, that's what we do here. What is his name?
Smith. First name? John. Mary, we have a lot of those. Do you remember his last words, that's how we file peo...

Three guys die and go to Heaven

Three guys die and go to Heaven, but at the pearly gate's they're greeted by St. Peter, he tells the first guy "You have been unfaithful to your wife 10 times, so you shall drive an old rustic car around Heaven for eternity"

The second guys goes up and St. Peter says "You have only been unfai...

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My girlfriend did a lie detector test.

"According to the results," said the conductor, "your girlfriend has been unfaithful."

I paused for a moment, then said, "Just how reliable are these results?"

"Extremely," he replied. "She gave me a blowjob in the car park earlier."

An old couple is celebrating their 40 year anniversary

While the wife is cleaning and getting the house ready she finds 3 beer bottles and $50,000 in loose bills under the bed. At dinner she was going to confront him.

At dinner she does just that.

Wife: honey I love you and I want no secrets between us. When cleaning today I found 3 beer...

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A man went shopping

A man went shopping for some supplies in one of those overpriced stores. He got what he came for, and went to stand in line to check out. A young, attractive woman was waving to him, and he wondered why she would notice an old geezer like himself. He made his way over to her, and asked, "why did you...

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Magic Dildo

A husband had to leave his wife for 3 months while he attended business in Africa. To prevent her loneliness and to lower the temptations of her being unfaithful he gave his wife a magic dildo before he left. The reason it was called a magic dildo was because no matter where the wife was all she w...

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Three men stand at the Pearly Gates

God tells the three men that Heaven is near it's quota for the day and only one man will be allowed in.

All three men have lived good lives, so God decides he will choose who gets in to Heaven based on how they died. Whoever had the worst luck will get in to Heaven.

So the first man t...

A guy is grocery shopping when he sees a beautiful blonde, who smiles and waves at him.

She stops to talk to him, and he can't remember who she is. Instead of faking it, he fesses up and says, "Hi - you look really familiar, but I don't remember how I know you."

She responds, "My name is Taylor, and I think you're the father of one of my children."

The guy's mind reels w...

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New Priest

A priest is just about to retire when he meets the priest replacing him, the new priests asks what he should do when taking confessions, as this will be his first day. The former priest gives him a handbook and tells him to use this for the first month or so.

The new priest enters the confess...

There was an elderly couple aged 65 years old

Who had been married for 45 years. They shared a bed and like most couples had one side each, on her side was a bedside table with make up, hair curlers magazines etc, on his bedside table there was a small wooden box.

The husband went away to work one day and his wife was cleaning the house,...

Me elderly couple joke

An elderly couple are sitting out on their porch. Norman says to his lovely wife, "Ethel, I have to come clean with you. In all the years we were married, I was unfaithful to you one time. I'm sorry my dear, I love you forever, can you forgive me?"

Ethel goes into the house and quickly comes ...

The coach discovers he is going to die in a week

He tells his wife: I want to clear my conscience. I have been unfaithful to you, only once, with your sister.
She says: That's okay. I too have been unfaithful to you, only once, with the football team.

Juno and Jupiter Sitting in Space

Jupiter's moons were named after the Roman god's mistresses and this week NASA sent a spacecraft named after his wife, Juno, to observe the planet. If they find evidence that Jupiter has been unfaithful, the next thing NASA will be sending is a Death Star.

A man becomes suspicious that his wife is cheating on him

So he confronts her and she admits that there have been three points of time that she has been unfaithful.

He asks her what the first time was, and she says, "remember when you had your heart attack but couldn't figure out how we paid the doctor?"

He says, "I guess you saved my life, I...

Stop me if you've heard this one before.

Jim was suspicious that his wife had been cheating on him. He took off from work early to see if he could catch her in the act. Driving up to his apartment Jim caught a glimpse through an open window of a strange man walking around in his dining room. Now convinced his wife has been unfaithful, J...

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