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A boy returns home from running an errand for his quarantined grandfather.

He says, "Grandpa, I got all the groceries you wanted! All together, it came to $47.22. Here's your change."

Grandpa says, "My goodness, the world is expensive nowadays. When I was a boy your age, I could get five pounds of potatoes, three loaves of bread, two pounds of beef, a jug of milk, a...

The warden only allowed boys who did a good deed that day to eat supper in the hostel dining room.



During their induction she taught them what were considered good deeds - running an errand for someone, helping an old lady cross the road, teaching other students things they don't understand and the like are examples of good deeds and should be rewarded, she explained.

The young bo...

St. Peter was guarding the Pearly Gates, waiting for new souls coming to heaven.

He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. “Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?”

“Sure,” replied Jesus. “What do I have to do?”

“Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve ...

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A man that couldn't speak properly goes to run some errands [long]

His first stop, the bakery. The man fronts up to the counter, and asks the owner, "may I have a bum, please."
Perplexed, the owner asks, "a bum, sir? Sorry, we don't sell those, but we do have buns."
"Yes, that is what I meant, sorry."

After completing his first transaction, the man wal...

A farmer was walking into town to do some errands

He picked up the pail he'd left at the blacksmith for repairs, a brick he needed to repair a wall, and two chickens and a duck he'd ordered to increase his stock. Carrying all this, as he was walking home, he encountered the schoolmistress, a thin, plain middle-aged lady. "Sir," she said. "I need to...

While visiting a distant relative I hadn't visited in years, I asked my mom's cousin George for his Wi-Fi password. He said, "Start with an uppercase S, then 123."

As soon as George had left to do an errand, I tried to log onto his Wi-Fi. But every time I typed S123, it wouldn't work. After two hours of failure, George came back.

I told him, "I used the password you told me to use, but it never worked! can you log onto the Wi-Fi for me?" George typed th...

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A man with a speech impediment has some errands to run,

He walks in the grocery store and asks the clerk, "Where are your butts?"

Clerk: "My what?"

Man: "You know, the things you put hot dogs in?"

Clerk: "Oh you mean buns! They're over here."

Next the man heads to the hardware store. He walks up to the clerk and says, "Where c...

A man walking sees a farming trying to push his pig up in a tree

He shakes his head at the strange sight and continues his walk to town and finishes his errands and begins his walk home.
On his way back he spots the same farmer still struggling to get that same pig up a tree.

After watching this strange behavior for a few minutes, he calls out to the fa...

During a family roadtrip through Kansas a young man went to run an errand alone...

As he was driving he became very lost. He couldn't find his way back to his family back at the motel they we're staying at. He decided to call his father and ask for directions back. As he was talking to his father he spot large vultures in a circle eating something on the ground. He asked "Dad, wha...

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A man tells his wife to run an errand

He says to his wife "Go to the store and pick up some broccoli."
So she heads to the local super market in search of the broccoli.

When she gets there she asks a man at the front desk

"Excuse me sir, where is the broccoli?"

He says "I'm sorry ma'am were out of broccoli."
...

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The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.

After the owner taught him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand.

'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks.

'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.'

So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving you...

The pharoah woke up in the middle of the night kicking and screaming. Concerned for his saftey, two guards burst in! After making sure the room was safe, one guard immediately ran off to fetch the soothsayer, always close at hand.

The soothsayer quickly calmed down the pharoah and began to ask him what had him clearly so distraught.

"Oh, it was terrible!" The pharoah recounted, "The mountains shook and ungodly scream sound across the world, as though the gods themselves were yelling in torment!" A moment to steady hi...

Since y'all liked the monk joke, I modified a joke told by my high school math teacher.

Once there was a king and he attended that monk's temple. One day the monk was late. The king asked him why he was late. And he replied that he had to help his wife with an errand.

"You are so revered monk and yet, you fear your wife!", the king exclaimed.
" Well, everyone fears his wife",...

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The Male Anatomy

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.


Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out befo...

I’m from Pittsburgh, originally — and just hang out with my mom for a little bit, you know?

Wanted to go home and hang out with her for a little bit, you know, help her out, cheer her up. But all my mom cares about now is the lottery and me running errands for her. Like, every day. Every day, it’s, “Anthony, go play my numbers. Go play my numbers, please. I don’t want to miss out today.” F...

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A rich man threw a mansion party

It was of extravagant proportions. Hundreds of guests filled his enormous abode to mingle and drink with glee. During the festivities the rich man gathered everyone to the backyard.

“Come! I have something to show you all! As well as a challenge!”

His curious (also drunk) flock followe...

What do you call a marathon of people named Aaron?

Running Errands

a guy thing..

My three year old son had a lot of problems with potty training; and I
was
on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch
in
between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I
smelled something funny, so of course, I che...

A husband buys a car for his wife...

So she can run some errands while hes at work. He gets home from work and sees the car parked a couple houses down. He ask the wife:

Husband: Why is the car parked their?

Wife: I went to the grocery store and on the way back, it just stopped. Can you fix it?

Husband: What d...

Once in a small town lived a guy, who dreamt of having a car

He was fascinated by their speed and beauty, yet his parents wouldn't agree to fulfil his dream and buy it for him. So he changed various jobs, worked part-time and ran errands, anything just to get a bit closer to saving up for that final trophy. But as time came by his bank account didn't seem to ...

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Diary of an Englishman after he moves to South Africa....

**August 1**: Just got transferred with work from London, UK to our new home in Phalaborwa, Limpopo, South Africa. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I’ve finally fo...

Mother in law

A lady had 3 son in laws and she wanted to know who is the sincerest of them so she thought of trying them out one by one.

One day she asked the eldest one to come and help her in some errands. On the way back home she deliberately jumped into a water well and starts to drown. The eldest with...

An expecting father

John was always a loving husband. For years he was constantly on beck and call. He never strayed from his wife Marla and Marla adored John. For years and years John and Marla attempted to have children. They went to fertility clinics, they sought guidance from multiple specialists, and even tried al...

A lady was expecting the plumber. He was scheduled to come at 10 A.M. Ten o’clock came and went with no plumber.

She concluded he wasn’t coming, and went out to do some errands. While she was out, the plumber arrived. He knocked on the door; the lady’s parrot, who was at home in a cage by the door, said, “Who is it?”



He replied, “It’s the plumber.”



He thought it was the lady who’d...

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An amish girl and her mom are riding home in a horse drawn carriage

Daughter: "Mom, my hands are so cold."

Mother: "Stick your hands between your legs and your body heat will keep them warm."

So the daughter does this and she is amazed how warm her hands got. So the next night she is with her boyfriend running errands:

Boyfriend: "Wow, it is col...

Way To Heaven

John dies and goes to Heaven. He meets St. Peter at the gate and asks him,
"How do I get into Heaven?"
St Pete: Spell "Love".
John: L - O - V - E
Pete: That's right, you may enter.
John: Boy, that was easy, are you sure that's all there is to it?
St Pete: Yup...by the way, I h...

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Lost In Translation

Jannik had just arrived to america and could only speaker German, but he was staying with a friend who was teaching him English. After a few days his friend feels he has learned enough and sends Jannik on some errands to test out his English. First Jannik goes to the bakery down the street and order...

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A guy starts his first day on the job at a sex shop...

when the manager says "I know it is your first day and I'm really sorry, but I have to run out and do some errands. Do you think you'll be ok?"

The guy says it is fine and it isn't long before he has his first customer, a white woman.

"Do you have any dildos?" she asked

"Yes ma...

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At the sex shop.

A young lad starts his new job in the local sex shop. After a few days his boss has to go on an errand and will be back shortly. So he leaves the young lad to watch the shop. After a little while, a black woman walks in and asks for the price of the dildoes. The young lad replies "£40".

"I'll...

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My brother told me a good joke, and I’m pretty it’s from something, not sure what.

So I once worked at a dildo store. One day the manager had to go out to run an errand, and left me in charge.

The first woman comes in and says “Can I get the black one?”. She buys it, she leaves.

A second woman comes in and says “Ooo can I get that blue one?”. She buys it, she leave...

A man ordered for a voice automated robot car

A man ordered for a voice automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.

He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.

One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car t...

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The creation of a pussy, improved version.

Each man was a master-of-craft at his trade,


Now by God in his wisdom a task they'd been laid.


See them gathered together, by calling divine


to fashion a vulva of peerless design.


The first man, a butcher of eminent skill


took a hold of his bla...

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A rare German Joke, behold!

Requirements: Knowledge that Freudenhaus (brothel) literally translates 'House of Joy' (TYL)

Small Fritzl and his dad are shopping in the city when they pass the Red light of a Freudenhaus. The Son asks 'Dad what are the selling there?' sheepishly the Father answers 'This is a Freudenhaus, a ...

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Janitor standin at the confession box

Father Paul had had a rather long day, listening to confessions from the members of his parish, and suddenly needed a break, and stepped out from the confession box and asked the janitor who was washing the floor.

"Hey Carl, could you make a standin for me, just ten min, I really need to go ...

An old man goes in to town...

An old man decides to go into town one day to run some errands. On the way back, his wife calls his cell phone.

"Look out honey, I just saw on the news that there's a car driving the wrong way on the interstate."

"Not just one car, they all are!"

A little boy wanted to go see Santa...

So he asked him mother to take him. His mom told him "Honey, I have business to take care of but if you behave yourself after my errands I'll take you to see Santa."

So the little boy manages to behave all day, and as promised his mom takes him to see Santa. He is fidgeting and squirming aro...

Cup of tea for Daddy

One day, when I was about 4 years old, my Daddy stayed at home to watch me while my mom ran some errands.

I had just gotten a new tea set and was playing with it. My father was watching TV and I took him a cup of tea.

He drank the tea and told me how good it was. What a wonderful tea ...

Some people just shouldn't smoke!

You will not believe what just happened. I was running some last minute errands before my trip, earlier this evening, and I stopped at Shell to get a drink. I noticed two police officers watching a woman who was smoking while pumping gas. I saw her and thought, "Is she stupid"?! I went in and got my...

Both of 'em?

Brad went over to Jack's house. While there Jack asked him to grab his slippers from upstairs, because he had back problems and couldn't really walk too well.

Reluctantly, because he was a guest so he thought he shouldn't be Jack's errand boy, Brad made his way upstairs.

While looking ...

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Fancy Women's Restroom

A man is out running errands when he feels a sudden pressure in his gut and urgently needs to find a restroom to vacate his bowels. As he runs to the nearest restrooms, and he finds the men's room is in use and he can't wait any longer. Reluctantly, he finds the women's restroom to be available and ...

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So Bob is having some issues in the bedroom...

Him and his wife and tired of it, it's really starting to hurt their marriage.
Bob decides to take the second half of his day off work and head to the doctor searching for a solution. "Well Dick, it's just happening to fast and I can't seem to get it under control, any ideas?" "Well Bob, a trick...

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The Shoemaker

When my grandma lost mobility, I would drop by more and more frequently to run errands and do chores for her. Drop off the dry cleaning, rake the front lawn, that kind of stuff. Well, I was cleaning out her attic for her one day and I found this old army uniform and took it down, I said hey grandma,...

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these are my cookies.

So a boy is staying at his grandfathers house.

He is eating lunch with his granfather and the grandfather says, "son, could you go pour me a glass of scotch?" The boy said yes and went into the house and came back out with a glass of scotch. He then said to his grandfather "could I have a si...

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The tale of the pickle slicer

John came home from his job at the pickle factory one day looking troubled. His wife asked him what was the matter.

"I been thinking about putting my penis in the pickle slicer."

"Oh my god! You need to get help! That's crazy!", she exclaimed as he hung his head.

He d...

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