Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Me: “Listening. I would say listening is my biggest weakness.”

The interview

Interviewer: What do you make at your current job?

Me: Mostly mistakes and inappropriate comments.

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Shapeshifting

INTERVIEWER: What's your greatest strength?

ME: Shapeshifting

INTERVIEWER: Is that so?

INTERVIEWER: Yes

INTERVIEWER: Holy shit..

Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?

Me: That's when I went to Yale.

Interviewer: Thats pretty impressive. You're hired.

Me: Thank you, I really need this Yob.

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Interviewer: are you smart? Bob: I'm not smart, but I am clever. Interviewer: How so? Bob: in class, I sat next to the dumbest and second dumbest person in class, I'm the third dumbest, but by peeking at their tests, I got the highest score in the class.



Interviewer: how's that possible? Bob: by process of elimination. None of our answers could be correct.

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Interviewer: What is your greatest weakness? Me: I speak my mind Interviewer: I don’t see that as a weakness

Me: I don’t give a fuck what you think

I was at a job interview and the interviewer asked me about punctuality

I went on about how it was good to speak clearly and politely, and it was nice to use proper grammar in speech and writing.

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Job Interview

A guy goes into the US postal service to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

Th...

2 interviewers are interviewing a candidate for a programming job.

Interviewer 1: Well are you ready for some DP now?

Candidate: Stands up and begins to pull down pants.

Interviewer 2: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Candidate: You asked if I was ready for Double Penetration.(DP)

Both Interviewers: We meant Dynamic Programming!!!

Interviewer: Why you want to work on Customer Service?

Me: Well, I am very good at apologising for things that are not my fault.

Interviewer: Did you acquire that experience on your previous job?

Me: No, my relationship.

Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player?

**Me:** once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married.

**Interviewer:** and you?

**Me:** distracted her husband with an interview

I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”

I said, “No. Is that still required?”

Job interviewer: "What would you say is your greatest weakness?"

Me: Interpreting semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics.

Interviewer: Could you give an example?

Me: Yes, I could.

At the end of a job interview, the interviewer asks a young engineer from MIT, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

Engineer: Around $150,000 a year, depending on the benefits package

Interviewer: Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Cor...

Interviewer: What drives you? Candidate: The bus mostly.

Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?

Candidate: Missing the bus!

“How would you describe yourself?” Asked the interviewer.

“Usually with words” I said, “but I’ve also been working on my mime skills if you’d prefer.”

interviewer: what was your last job

me: health angel

interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa

me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Job seeker: Because the company moved.

Interviewer: Where did it move to?

Job seeker: They didn't tell me.

Me: “Squirting isn’t real, right? It’s just urine, right?”

Interviewer: “I meant any questions about the job.”

So the interviewer asked the applicant if he had any experience as a conductor.

He responded, "Yeah, I've done a bit of training"

Interviewer: "What is your spirit animal?"

"My spirit animal is not having one because I'm not Native American and I haven't been on a spirit journey.
What you mean is 'what is your fursona?'."

In a job interview, the interviewer said: It says here you can calculate large numbers quickly.

Applicant: That's right.

Interviewer: What's 250 times 467?

Applicant: 546320

Interviewer: That's wrong.

Applicant: How about that speed though?

Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Sorry, but that’s the most insulting question someone ever asked me since I’ve gone blind five years ago.

Interviewer:”Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: “ Well, I would say “good at following directions”.

Interviewer - Okay, describe yourself in 3 words

Lazy

Interviewer: So, why do you want to be a pilot

Me: Because I have a fear that I will die alone

A man gets accepted for a job interview at a shipyard

A man gets accepted for a job interview at a ship yard

Interviewer: do you have an experience tying up boats to keep them from floating away

Interveiwee: no

Interviewer: well let me show you the ropes

interviewer: yeah, you're not getting this job.

me: what? why?

interviewer: your resume just says "caught all 151 original pokemon"

me: ...and?

interviewer: that's ridiculous... -_- ...there's no way you caught Mew.

Job interview

A man is applying for a job and he has a very good resume

Interviewer: You have the qualities we are looking for and your resume looks great and we want to hire you. However, there is a 5 year gap in your resume. Can you tell us what you were doing during that time?

Employee: I went to...

Interviewing a farmer

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: Black one

Farmer: A couple litres per day

Interviewer: And the brown one

Farmer: A couple litres per day

Interviewer (naturally a bit flummoxed):...

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Interviewer: "In your CV, you wrote that you can perform under pressure. Can you give an example?"

Interviewee: "Sure. Mmm num ba de, dum bum ba be, doo buh dum ba beh beh, pressure pushing down on me..."

Interviewer: Do you travel to Louisiana often?

Me: Only on a Cajun.

Job interviewer: It said in your cv your quick at mathematics

Me: yeah





Job interviewer: so whats 17×36



Me : 96




Job interviewer: thats not even close





Me : yeah.....but it was quick

A man was at an interview for a tree-cutting job...

And the interviewer asked if he had any past experience.

"Yes, I have a lot of experience," the man said, "I cut down all the trees in the Sahara Desert."

The interviewer replied, "But the Sahara Desert doesn't have any trees."

"Yes, not anymore."

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A guy graduated from college and was interviewing for a job...

The interviewer asked ...


What do you think is your worst quality?

Honesty responded the guy


Well I don’t really think that honesty is such a bad quality responded the interviewer...


Well, i don’t really give a fuck what you think

Interviewer- why do you think we should hire you as a reverse psychologist?

Me: you shouldn't.

Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math"

Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am"

Interviewer: "Whats 14x27"

Me: "49"

Interviewer: "that's not even close"

me: "yeah, but it was fast"

Job interview

A company has a new role available so they start interviewing people. At some point one of the candidates is asked by the interviewers:
I: “Which is your biggest disadvantage?”
C: “I’m too honest.”
I: “Well, I think honesty it’s not really a disadvantage.”
C: “Well, I don’t rea...

A Lumberjack went for a job, interviewer said tell me your previous employment, he said I cut down all the trees in the Sahara, interviewer, but the Sahara is a dessert.

Lumberjack says yeah it is now.

“One last question,” said the job interviewer.

“What would you say your biggest weakness is?”

The interviewee thinks for a moment, smiles confidently, and says “I never know when to quit, sir.”

The interviewer chuckles. “Well, I must say, I’m very impressed with your resume and skillset. I’m happy to welcome you aboard!”

...

Interviewer: "Do you like rock 'n' roll"

Sisyphus: "Not even a bit."

An interviewer’s taxi stops in front of a prison...

The interviewer asks: “could you wait for me here?” Then the taxi driver says: “no, forget it! The last time someone asked me that he came out 21 years later!”

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The job interviewer asked, "whats your full name?"

"It's Peter Fucking Bastard Piss Flaps Smith."

The interviewer asked me, "do you suffer from tourettes Peter?"

"No" I replied, "but the priest at my baptism did."

There’s a car race announcer in an interview

Interviewer: Do you think that your job has affected your life in other aspects?
Announcer: Noooooom

Thank you, thank you...

A man applies for a job interview.

Interviewer: So, tell me, what was your previous job?

Man: I was an Alien Hunter.

Interviewer: but Aliens don’t exist!

Man: you’re goddamn welcome.

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LPT: When going into an interview, immediately tell the interviewers to suck your dick. If they laugh, you're in.

If they don't laugh, you blew it. Either way, something is getting blown!

Conversation between an interviewer and an alcoholic

Interviewer: Do you drink every day?

Man: Yes.

Interviewer: How much a day?

Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.

Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?

Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.

Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?

...

Interviewer asked me to name my most positive quality

Turns out HIV won’t get you a job

Interviewer: what inspired your theory on gravity?

Newton: well, I fell off the toil—...............
Agent [leans into the mic]: an apple fell on his head...

Job Interviewers like their jobs because

they have a hire purpose.

"What is your biggest weakness?" asked the interviewer.

I said, "Spiders."

He said, "Professional ones?"

I said, "I don't know, I've never seen one in a suit before."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An interviewer was interviewing a farmer about his livestock when he noticed two cows.

Interviewer: how much milk do those cows produce?

Farmer: oh the brown one can produce about 6 gallons a day.

Interviewer: and the other one?

Farmer: oh the black one produces the same.

Interviewer: okay and what do you feed them?

Farmer: I feed the brown one grass...

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Job Interviewer: In the event of a fire, which steps would you take?

Interviewee: Fucking big ones

Interviewer : Why Should We Hire you ?

Me : Because you are Hiring ......

A blonde is being interviewed for a job. The interviewer says "In our company, any employee may be selected at random for a drug test."

The blonde asks "Do you have to study a lot for them?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Interviewer:"What is the first thing that you do in the morning which,according to you,has made you so successful?"

Famous person:"The snooze button"

A bespectacled man heads in for a job interview

The interview is going very well, as he is nailing all the questions.

The interviewer eventually asks him "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

The man, very prepared for this common question says: "Well, I see myself still working at this company having received a number of promoti...

An interview with a vampire

An interview with a vampire.

Interviewer: Voad, You have been living for the last 5000 years, in almost every country on the planet. You have seen rulers come and go, empires rise and fall. Please, tell me what you have done to occupy yourself during this time.

Voad: Well, I have tak...

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An interviewer goes to an old town.

She stops an old man to ask some questions.




They ask some "how are you''s and all and she starts to interview.




Woman: So, Mister Irons, what is your favourite memory of this town?




Old Man : One time, a woman in our town got lost. Every p...

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.

Me: I'd rather not... I kinda want this job.

A man goes to a job interview

A man goes to a job interview and presents himself well. The interviewers are really impressed by how professional he is."Wow! You have an amazing resume and you present yourself fantastically but you seem to be missing 5 years on this part of your resume, what happened there?" Asked an interviewer....

Me at interview

Interviewer: Where do you se yourself in 32 days

Me: I dont know I dont have 2020 vision

Interviewer: How do you see yourself in 2 years?

Me: I don't know; I'm afraid I don't have 2020 vision.

The interviewer asked me to show him an example of leadership skills.

"OK," I replied. "I'm hired."

During an interview, the interviewer told me to describe myself using 3 adjectives. My response was...

"Lazy."

Interviewer : what is your father's name?

He: his name is laughing.

Interviewer: what? And your mother's name?

He: My mother's name is smiling.

Interviewer: are you kidding?

He: No, he's my brother.
I am JOKING.

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So I had a job interview the other day...

I sat down in front of the interviewer, and immediately grabbed the pitcher of water. Slightly shaking, I poured the water to the brim of the glass...but then overfilled it, spilling a good portion of the liquid across the surface of the desk.

Smiling, the interviewer said: "Nervous?"

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"So," began the interviewer, "it states on your CV that you let other people do all the work for you."

I said, "Does it?! My dad's a wanker for writing that."

*During an interview* Interviewer: 'So how long were you employed in your last job?'

Candidate: 'I'd say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.'

Interviewer to Pelè: Do you think Barzil's 1970 team can beat today's Argentina?

Pelè: Yes.

Interviewer: By how much?

Pelè: 1:0

Interviewer: That's it?

Pelè: Well, most of us are over 75 now...

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"Give me an example of when you've gone the extra mile for someone?" asked the job interviewer.

"Well," I said. "One time a prostitute refused to walk down the block to my car."

Interviewer: "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

Me: "A lot of things went wrong at my last job and everyone said I was responsible. "

A lumberjack applies for a job and gets called for an interview. The interviewer asks him, “So, what experience do you have?” The lumberjack replies, “Well, I used to work in the Sahara Forest.”

The interviewer is a little taken aback and asks, “The Sahara Forest? Don’t you mean the Sahara Desert?”

The lumberjack says, “Yeah, that’s what they call it now.”

A person goes for a job interview

The interviewer says: "your resume lists just a single employer?"

The person says: "yes, I was a switchman for the railroad. I got fired when I forgot to switch the tracks and two passenger trains collided."

The interviewer says: "OMG, you had *one* job!"

The person says: "yes, ...

INTERVIEWER: "According to your resume you can't read."

ME: "Thanks, what else does it say?"

I went to a job interview today...

The interviewer had pictures of himself holding up dead alligators, Nascar posters, and a picture of himself wearing a confederate flag shirt on his wall. I left the interview after only a minute. Too many red flags.

Interviewer: "What did you learn from your previous job?"

Me: "That I need a new job."

I went in for a job interview at IKEA

The interviewer said, come on in, make a seat

Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?

Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.

Interviewer : "Just imagine you're in the 20th floor of a building and it's on fire. How will you escape?"

"It's simple.. I will just stop my imagination."

Job interviewer: What two words best describe you?

Me: Functioning Alcoholic

Interviewer: Why are you leaving your current organization?

Candidate: I have major religious differences at work!





Interviewer: What are those differences? Candidate:

My manager thinks he is God, I don't!

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