I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”

I said, “No. Is that still required?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Interviewer: "In your CV, you wrote that you can perform under pressure. Can you give an example?"

Interviewee: "Sure. Mmm num ba de, dum bum ba be, doo buh dum ba beh beh, pressure pushing down on me..."

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you're extremely fast at calculations. What is 25 x 14?

Candidate : 39!

Interviewer: What? That's not even close!

Candidate : Yeah, but it was quick!

Conversation between an interviewer and an alcoholic

Interviewer: Do you drink every day?

Man: Yes.

Interviewer: How much a day?

Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.

Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?

Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.

Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?

...

Interviewer: How would you describe yourself in five words?

Me: Lazy

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An interviewer goes to an old town.

She stops an old man to ask some questions.




They ask some "how are you''s and all and she starts to interview.




Woman: So, Mister Irons, what is your favourite memory of this town?




Old Man : One time, a woman in our town got lost. Every p...

A blonde is being interviewed for a job. The interviewer says "In our company, any employee may be selected at random for a drug test."

The blonde asks "Do you have to study a lot for them?"

Job interviewer: “And where do you see yourself in five years’ time Mr. Jeffries?"

Me: "Personally I believe my biggest weakness is in listening."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Interviewer: Any experience of operating heavy machinery?

Guy: Does your mother count?
Interviewer: fuck! you're hired.

Interviewer asked me to name my most positive quality

Turns out HIV won’t get you a job

An interviewer was interviewing a farmer about his livestock when he noticed two cows.

Interviewer: how much milk do those cows produce?

Farmer: oh the brown one can produce about 6 gallons a day.

Interviewer: and the other one?

Farmer: oh the black one produces the same.

Interviewer: okay and what do you feed them?

Farmer: I feed the brown one grass...

After R Kelly gets out of prison, he decides to go apply for a job at McDonald’s because it’s his favorite. The interviewer asked what separates him apart from others who applied?

He said, I believe I can fryyyyyy

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Interviewer: What's your greatest strength?

Interviewer: What's your greatest strength? Potential employee: Shape shifting. Interviewer: Really? Interviewer: Yes. Interviewer: Shit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"So," began the interviewer, "it states on your CV that you let other people do all the work for you."

I said, "Does it?! My dad's a wanker for writing that."

Interviewer: How do you explain the five-year gap on your resume?

Me: Oh, that was when I went to Yale.

Interviwer: Amazing! You're hired.

Me: Yay, I got a yob!

Interviewer : what is your father's name?

He: his name is laughing.

Interviewer: what? And your mother's name?

He: My mother's name is smiling.

Interviewer: are you kidding?

He: No, he's my brother.
I am JOKING.

Interviewer: How do you see yourself in 2 years?

Me: I don't know; I'm afraid I don't have 2020 vision.

At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little

“Nervous.” Asked the interviewer.

“No, I always give 110%”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy sits down for an important job interview.

After several opening questions, the interviewer asks, “What is your biggest weakness?”

Job candidate: “I would say honesty.”

Interviewer: “ I don’t really think that honesty is a weakness.”

Candidate: “ Shut up ass wipe, I don’t care WHAT you think.”

Job Interviewer: It says on your resume that you went to Harvard University

Me: Yeah. I was visiting my friend.

"Give me an example of when you've gone the extra mile for someone?" asked the job interviewer.

"Well," I said. "One time a prostitute refused to walk down the block to my car."

INTERVIEWER: "According to your resume you can't read."

ME: "Thanks, what else does it say?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The job interviewer asked, "whats your full name?"

"It's Peter Fucking Bastard Piss Flaps Smith."

The interviewer asked me, "do you suffer from tourettes Peter?"

"No" I replied, "but the priest at my baptism did."

Interviewer: "What did you learn from your previous job?"

Me: "That I need a new job."

Interviewer: Why are you leaving your current organization?

Candidate: I have major religious differences at work!

​

​

Interviewer: What are those differences? Candidate:

My manager thinks he is God, I don't!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Job Interviewer: In the event of a fire, which steps would you take?

Interviewee: Fucking big ones

The job interviewer asked...

The job interviewer asked: "What's your biggest weakness?"

Me: "I don't know when to quit..."

Interviewer: "You're hired!"

Me: "I quit."

"What is your biggest weakness?" asked the interviewer.

I said, "Spiders."

He said, "Professional ones?"

I said, "I don't know, I've never seen one in a suit before."

Interviewer: "Under skills, you listed "great dad" ."

Job applicant: "The best !"

Interviewer: "i haven't seen you in years. i'm not hiring you."

Job applicant: "Please, i need the money, son."

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: Brown one.

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?

Fa...

Interviewer to Pelè: Do you think Barzil's 1970 team can beat today's Argentina?

Pelè: Yes.

Interviewer: By how much?

Pelè: 1:0

Interviewer: That's it?

Pelè: Well, most of us are over 75 now...

During an interview, the interviewer told me to describe myself using 3 adjectives. My response was...

"Lazy."

Interviewer: What would u say is your biggest weakness?

Me: I get weirdly confrontational when people ask me follow-up questions

Interviewer: How so?

Me: \[ripping my shirt off\] do u wanna take this outside?!!!

The interviewer asked me to show him an example of leadership skills.

"OK," I replied. "I'm hired."

Job interviewer: What two words best describe you?

Me: Functioning Alcoholic

A lumberjack applies for a job and gets called for an interview. The interviewer asks him, “So, what experience do you have?” The lumberjack replies, “Well, I used to work in the Sahara Forest.”

The interviewer is a little taken aback and asks, “The Sahara Forest? Don’t you mean the Sahara Desert?”

The lumberjack says, “Yeah, that’s what they call it now.”

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?

Me: I am very determined.

Interviewer: That is the number one strength to have in our company. We'll get in touch with you when we make our decision.

Me: Great! I'll just wait here then!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy goes to the post office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

“Have you ever served in the military?”

“Yes.” he says. “I was in Iraq for two years.”

The interviewer says, “That will give you five extra points towards employment.” Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”

The guy ...

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.

Me: I'd rather not... I kinda want this job.

Interviewer: what is your biggest strength?

Me: I’m a fast learner
Interviewer: what 11 x 11?
Me: 72
Interviewer: no, it’s 121
Me: it’s 121

Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?

Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.

Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness?

Me: Answering the semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics

Interviewer: Could you give me an example?

Me: Yes I could

*During an interview* Interviewer: 'So how long were you employed in your last job?'

Candidate: 'I'd say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I told the job interviewer I had premature ejaculation

Apparently that's not what he meant by 'shortcomings'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Interviewer: What is your favorite sex phrase?

Pastor: Are you ready kids!

Interviewer: "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

Me: "A lot of things went wrong at my last job and everyone said I was responsible. "

NASA officials were interviewing three prospective astronauts to sent to Mars on a dangerous one-way trip

Only one of the three would go, and that candidate would never return to Earth. The interviewer asked the first candidate, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid to go.

"One million dollars," replied the engineer, "and I want it donated to my alma mater, Rice University."

The inter...

Interviewer : "Just imagine you're in the 20th floor of a building and it's on fire. How will you escape?"

"It's simple.. I will just stop my imagination."

Whenever a job interviewer asks what my strongest trait is, I tell them I’m responsible.

Because at my old job whenever something bad happened my coworkers would always say, “Eric is responsible.”

Interviewer: What are your thoughts about nepotism in a workplace environment?

Candidate: Well, that’s a really good question, Dad.

I went for a job interview today, when the interviewer asked, "Can you tell me about your previous work experience, in a nutshell?"

I responded, "I've never worked in a nutshell."

When interviewer asks you what you make at your current job

Apparently they don't expect you to say stupid mistakes and inappropriate comments.

I was confused as to why my interviewer gave me a blank stare when I told her my best quality was my flexibility..

I guess she's never seen a man put both his legs behind his head before.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Interview

INTERVIEWER: What's your greatest strength?

ME: Shapeshifting

INTERVIEWER: Is that so?

INTERVIEWER: Yes

INTERVIEWER: Holy shit

EDIT:
Source: @AndyAsAdjective on Twitter

Another interview joke

During a job interview, the interviewer asks, “I noticed a 6 year gap in your resume. How do you account for this period of time?”

The applicant responds, “I went to Yale.”

Excited, the interviewer says, “Yale?!? You’re hired!”

The applicant replies, “Yay! I got a yob!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Interviewer: So Japan, I hear that you're the least obese country in the world. How did you achieve this?

Japan: Ah. So did I ever tell you what happened the last time we had a Fat Man in Japan?

Interviewer: How did you become a Bitcoin millionare

Bitcoin Millionare: ...bit by bit...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Interviewer: Describe yourself in one word.

Interviewer: Describe yourself in one word.

Me: Hired.

Interviewer: (under breath) holy shit can he do that?

Interviewer: Tell me something about yourself

Me: I'm a man of few words

Interviewer: so what can you bring to the company?

Interviewee: my biggest weakness is probably not being able to listen properly.

Interviewer: Do you have any weaknesses?

Me: yea, I like to point out other people’s mistakes. By the way, that’s a stupid interview question.

INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your last job?

ME: Because of something my boss said.

I: It says here you were fired.

ME: That's the thing he said.

The interviewer asked me, "What's your biggest strength?"

I took a piece of paper out of my pocket and read from it, "My biggest strength is that I'm always prepared."

Interviewer: It says here you're skilled at saying unexpected things?

Me: Yes, I am.
Interviewer: Hmm, I thought you were going to say something unexpec-- oh, you're good.

"Do you think you are suitable for the role?" asked the job interviewer."

"Yes," I said. "I promise you that no person would be better
for the job."

"Well," he said. "I guess I won't hire anybody then."

Interviewer: What's your strength?

Candidate: I fall in love easily.
Interviewer: What's your weakness?
Candidate: Those blue eyes of yours.

Interviewer: You said you are quick in mathematics, could you tell me what is a two hundred and fifty times eighty whole divided by sixty nine?

Man: Six thousand eight hundred and fourty five.

Interviewer: Hm... that's not the right answer...

Man: But i'm quick.

Interviewer: Why should we hire you as a reverse psychologist?

Me: You shouldn't.

I had an interviewer at a company called Transparency, but I didn't get the job.

Apparently I didn't speak clearly enough.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The interviewer asked me, "What's your worst quality?"

I said, "I tend to speak my mind."

He said, "I don't think that's necessarily a bad thing..."

I said, "I don't give a fuck what you think."

Interviewer: Name one of your accomplishments

Applicant:Well I discovered aliens, outside my house and managed to learn their language.
Interviewer:That seems rather complicated...
Applicant:Well Spanish isn't hard to learn sir.

Interviewer: Where were you born?

Me: Missouri.

I: What state are you in now?

M: Apathy.

I: That's not what I meant.

M: I don't care.

Interviewer:Do you have time for a question?

A: Yes...but...do...you...have...time...for...my...answer?

INTERVIEWER: Roger Federer, why do you like Switzerland so much?

RODGER FEDERER: Well the flag is a big plus.

Enter job interview . Interviewer asks infamous question "what is your greatest weakness in the workplace?" Pause for 10 to 15 seconds then say "I'm bad with awkward silences "

If the don't laugh then pause again and say "sometimes my jokes aren't well received " problem solved

An interviewer asked how I do under pressure.

I told him I'm like a rock: given enough time and pressure, I fold.

The interviewer said to me...

The interviewer said to me, "On your resume, it says you're a man of mystery."

"That's correct."

"Would you like to elaborate?"

(Long pause) "No."

The job interviewer asked me to define turnover.

I said, "That's what I do before I go to sleep."

The interviewer asked, "Where do you see yourself in five years?"

The job candidate responded, " I don't know, I don't have 2020 vision."

Use it while you can, people!

I had a job interview...

...the interviewer slid his laptop across the table and said "sell this to me."

I closed the screen, unplugged it, and left.

I ignored his calls for about three hours. When I did answer, he said "Where is my laptop?!"

"You wanna buy it?"

Reaching the end of a job interview..

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer ...