Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Me: “Listening. I would say listening is my biggest weakness.”

I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”

I said, “No. Is that still required?”

In a job interview, the interviewer said: It says here you can calculate large numbers quickly.

Applicant: That's right.

Interviewer: What's 250 times 467?

Applicant: 546320

Interviewer: That's wrong.

Applicant: How about that speed though?

Interviewer:”Describe yourself in three words.”

Me: “ Well, I would say “good at following directions”.

Interviewer: are you smart? Bob: I'm not smart, but I am clever. Interviewer: How so? Bob: in class, I sat next to the dumbest and second dumbest person in class, I'm the third dumbest, but by peeking at their tests, I got the highest score in the class.

Interviewer: how's that possible?
Bob: by process of elimination. None of our answers could be correct.

Interviewer: What drives you?

Candidate: The bus mostly.
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
Candidate: Missing the bus!

Interviewer: How do you explain that five-year gap on your resume?

Me: Oh, that's when I went to Yale.

Interviwer: Amazing! You're hired.

Me: Yay, I got a yob!

Job interviewer: It said in your cv your quick at mathematics

Me: yeah





Job interviewer: so whats 17×36



Me : 96




Job interviewer: thats not even close





Me : yeah.....but it was quick

Interviewer: Do you travel to Louisiana often?

Me: Only on a Cajun.

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A man goes for a job interview

Interviewer: so, what's your biggest weakness?

The man thinks for a few seconds then replies "I'm too honest".

The interviewer looks a bit shocked and says "well, I don't think honesty is a weakness at all!"

To which the man replied, "I don't give a fuck what you think"

Interviewer- why do you think we should hire you as a reverse psychologist?

Me: you shouldn't.

Interviewer: So, why do you want to be a pilot

Me: Because I have a fear that I will die alone

interviewer: yeah, you're not getting this job.

me: what? why?

interviewer: your resume just says "caught all 151 original pokemon"

me: ...and?

interviewer: that's ridiculous... -_- ...there's no way you caught Mew.

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Interviewer: "In your CV, you wrote that you can perform under pressure. Can you give an example?"

Interviewee: "Sure. Mmm num ba de, dum bum ba be, doo buh dum ba beh beh, pressure pushing down on me..."

Interviewer: "Do you like rock 'n' roll"

Sisyphus: "Not even a bit."

An interviewer’s taxi stops in front of a prison...

The interviewer asks: “could you wait for me here?” Then the taxi driver says: “no, forget it! The last time someone asked me that he came out 21 years later!”

“One last question,” said the job interviewer.

“What would you say your biggest weakness is?”

The interviewee thinks for a moment, smiles confidently, and says “I never know when to quit, sir.”

The interviewer chuckles. “Well, I must say, I’m very impressed with your resume and skillset. I’m happy to welcome you aboard!”

...

Job Interviewers like their jobs because

they have a hire purpose.

Interviewer: what inspired your theory on gravity?

Newton: well, I fell off the toil—...............
Agent [leans into the mic]: an apple fell on his head...

Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you're extremely fast at calculations. What is 25 x 14?

Candidate : 39!

Interviewer: What? That's not even close!

Candidate : Yeah, but it was quick!

Interview

Interviewer: What's your biggest strength?

Me: I'm a fast learner.

Interviewer: What's 11 x 11?

Me: 65.

Interviewer: Not even close. It's 121.

Me: It's 121.

A Lumberjack went for a job, interviewer said tell me your previous employment, he said I cut down all the trees in the Sahara, interviewer, but the Sahara is a dessert.

Lumberjack says yeah it is now.

Hilarious Job Interview Answer

**Interviewer :** Why did you leave your last job ..?
**Guy :** The company shifted the office and didn't tell me where it is....

Conversation between an interviewer and an alcoholic

Interviewer: Do you drink every day?

Man: Yes.

Interviewer: How much a day?

Man: Around 3 six-packs starting at noon.

Interviewer: How much does a 6-pack cost?

Man: Roughly $10.00 at a deli.

Interviewer: And how long have you been drinking like that?

...

After R Kelly gets out of prison, he decides to go apply for a job at McDonald’s because it’s his favorite. The interviewer asked what separates him apart from others who applied?

He said, I believe I can fryyyyyy

Interviewer asked me to name my most positive quality

Turns out HIV won’t get you a job

An interviewer was interviewing a farmer about his livestock when he noticed two cows.

Interviewer: how much milk do those cows produce?

Farmer: oh the brown one can produce about 6 gallons a day.

Interviewer: and the other one?

Farmer: oh the black one produces the same.

Interviewer: okay and what do you feed them?

Farmer: I feed the brown one grass...

A blonde is being interviewed for a job. The interviewer says "In our company, any employee may be selected at random for a drug test."

The blonde asks "Do you have to study a lot for them?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An interviewer goes to an old town.

She stops an old man to ask some questions.




They ask some "how are you''s and all and she starts to interview.




Woman: So, Mister Irons, what is your favourite memory of this town?




Old Man : One time, a woman in our town got lost. Every p...

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Interviewer:"What is the first thing that you do in the morning which,according to you,has made you so successful?"

Famous person:"The snooze button"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Interviewer: What's your greatest strength?

Interviewer: What's your greatest strength? Potential employee: Shape shifting. Interviewer: Really? Interviewer: Yes. Interviewer: Shit.

At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little

“Nervous.” Asked the interviewer.

“No, I always give 110%”

Interviewer: How do you see yourself in 2 years?

Me: I don't know; I'm afraid I don't have 2020 vision.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Give me an example of when you've gone the extra mile for someone?" asked the job interviewer.

"Well," I said. "One time a prostitute refused to walk down the block to my car."

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"So," began the interviewer, "it states on your CV that you let other people do all the work for you."

I said, "Does it?! My dad's a wanker for writing that."

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?

Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?

Interviewer: Brown one.

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer: And the black one?

Farmer: A couple of litres per day.

Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?

Fa...

Interviewer : what is your father's name?

He: his name is laughing.

Interviewer: what? And your mother's name?

He: My mother's name is smiling.

Interviewer: are you kidding?

He: No, he's my brother.
I am JOKING.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The job interviewer asked, "whats your full name?"

"It's Peter Fucking Bastard Piss Flaps Smith."

The interviewer asked me, "do you suffer from tourettes Peter?"

"No" I replied, "but the priest at my baptism did."

"What is your biggest weakness?" asked the interviewer.

I said, "Spiders."

He said, "Professional ones?"

I said, "I don't know, I've never seen one in a suit before."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Job Interviewer: In the event of a fire, which steps would you take?

Interviewee: Fucking big ones

INTERVIEWER: "According to your resume you can't read."

ME: "Thanks, what else does it say?"

During an interview, the interviewer told me to describe myself using 3 adjectives. My response was...

"Lazy."

Interviewer: "What did you learn from your previous job?"

Me: "That I need a new job."

The interviewer asked me to show him an example of leadership skills.

"OK," I replied. "I'm hired."

Interviewer to Pelè: Do you think Barzil's 1970 team can beat today's Argentina?

Pelè: Yes.

Interviewer: By how much?

Pelè: 1:0

Interviewer: That's it?

Pelè: Well, most of us are over 75 now...

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.

Me: I'd rather not... I kinda want this job.

Interviewer: What's your greatest weakness?

Me: Answering the semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics

Interviewer: Could you give me an example?

Me: Yes I could

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A guy goes to the post office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”

He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee.”

“Have you ever served in the military?”

“Yes.” he says. “I was in Iraq for two years.”

The interviewer says, “That will give you five extra points towards employment.” Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”

The guy ...

Interviewer: "Under skills, you listed "great dad" ."

Job applicant: "The best !"

Interviewer: "i haven't seen you in years. i'm not hiring you."

Job applicant: "Please, i need the money, son."

*During an interview* Interviewer: 'So how long were you employed in your last job?'

Candidate: 'I'd say my biggest weakness is my listening skills.'

Interviewer: Why are you leaving your current organization?

Candidate: I have major religious differences at work!





Interviewer: What are those differences? Candidate:

My manager thinks he is God, I don't!

Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?

Me: I am very determined.

Interviewer: That is the number one strength to have in our company. We'll get in touch with you when we make our decision.

Me: Great! I'll just wait here then!

Job interviewer: What two words best describe you?

Me: Functioning Alcoholic

Interviewer: "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

Me: "A lot of things went wrong at my last job and everyone said I was responsible. "

A lumberjack applies for a job and gets called for an interview. The interviewer asks him, “So, what experience do you have?” The lumberjack replies, “Well, I used to work in the Sahara Forest.”

The interviewer is a little taken aback and asks, “The Sahara Forest? Don’t you mean the Sahara Desert?”

The lumberjack says, “Yeah, that’s what they call it now.”

Interviewer: What would u say is your biggest weakness?

Me: I get weirdly confrontational when people ask me follow-up questions

Interviewer: How so?

Me: \[ripping my shirt off\] do u wanna take this outside?!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told the job interviewer I had premature ejaculation

Apparently that's not what he meant by 'shortcomings'

Interviewer : "Just imagine you're in the 20th floor of a building and it's on fire. How will you escape?"

"It's simple.. I will just stop my imagination."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Interview

INTERVIEWER: What's your greatest strength?

ME: Shapeshifting

INTERVIEWER: Is that so?

INTERVIEWER: Yes

INTERVIEWER: Holy shit

EDIT:
Source: @AndyAsAdjective on Twitter

NASA officials were interviewing three prospective astronauts to sent to Mars on a dangerous one-way trip

Only one of the three would go, and that candidate would never return to Earth. The interviewer asked the first candidate, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid to go.

"One million dollars," replied the engineer, "and I want it donated to my alma mater, Rice University."

The inter...

Whenever a job interviewer asks what my strongest trait is, I tell them I’m responsible.

Because at my old job whenever something bad happened my coworkers would always say, “Eric is responsible.”

I went for a job interview today, when the interviewer asked, "Can you tell me about your previous work experience, in a nutshell?"

I responded, "I've never worked in a nutshell."

I was confused as to why my interviewer gave me a blank stare when I told her my best quality was my flexibility..

I guess she's never seen a man put both his legs behind his head before.

Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?

Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.

When interviewer asks you what you make at your current job

Apparently they don't expect you to say stupid mistakes and inappropriate comments.

Another interview joke

During a job interview, the interviewer asks, “I noticed a 6 year gap in your resume. How do you account for this period of time?”

The applicant responds, “I went to Yale.”

Excited, the interviewer says, “Yale?!? You’re hired!”

The applicant replies, “Yay! I got a yob!”

Interviewer: What are your thoughts about nepotism in a workplace environment?

Candidate: Well, that’s a really good question, Dad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Interviewer: Describe yourself in one word.

Interviewer: Describe yourself in one word.

Me: Hired.

Interviewer: (under breath) holy shit can he do that?

Interviewer: Do you have any weaknesses?

Me: yea, I like to point out other people’s mistakes. By the way, that’s a stupid interview question.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Interviewer: So Japan, I hear that you're the least obese country in the world. How did you achieve this?

Japan: Ah. So did I ever tell you what happened the last time we had a Fat Man in Japan?

Interviewer: It says here you're skilled at saying unexpected things?

Me: Yes, I am.
Interviewer: Hmm, I thought you were going to say something unexpec-- oh, you're good.

Interviewer: How did you become a Bitcoin millionare

Bitcoin Millionare: ...bit by bit...

"Do you think you are suitable for the role?" asked the job interviewer."

"Yes," I said. "I promise you that no person would be better
for the job."

"Well," he said. "I guess I won't hire anybody then."

Interviewer: Tell me something about yourself

Me: I'm a man of few words

Interviewer: Name one of your accomplishments

Applicant:Well I discovered aliens, outside my house and managed to learn their language.
Interviewer:That seems rather complicated...
Applicant:Well Spanish isn't hard to learn sir.

Interviewer: What's your strength?

Candidate: I fall in love easily.
Interviewer: What's your weakness?
Candidate: Those blue eyes of yours.

Interviewer: so what can you bring to the company?

Interviewee: my biggest weakness is probably not being able to listen properly.

Interviewer: You said you are quick in mathematics, could you tell me what is a two hundred and fifty times eighty whole divided by sixty nine?

Man: Six thousand eight hundred and fourty five.

Interviewer: Hm... that's not the right answer...

Man: But i'm quick.

An interviewer goes to find out about the number of people living in a house. He start the interview by asking to the man of the house.

Name?: Adam
Name of your wife?:Eva
Wow!!!!! And the snake also lives here?: Yes, the mother in law...

INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your last job?

ME: Because of something my boss said.

I: It says here you were fired.

ME: That's the thing he said.

Interviewer: Where were you born?

Me: Missouri.

I: What state are you in now?

M: Apathy.

I: That's not what I meant.

M: I don't care.

Interviewer:Do you have time for a question?

A: Yes...but...do...you...have...time...for...my...answer?

I had an interviewer at a company called Transparency, but I didn't get the job.

Apparently I didn't speak clearly enough.

An interviewer asked how I do under pressure.

I told him I'm like a rock: given enough time and pressure, I fold.

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